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Partner admitted to sex with transexuals

(68 Posts)
Needhelpfast Sat 02-Mar-13 08:20:56

Please, please, please help. I feel distraught, I don't know what to do.

My partner of 12 years just admitted he has been having sex with transexuals, no a one off, every now and then. I feel disgusted that he has been lying to me all this time. I need serious help, because all I want to do is kill myself.

I knew he enjoyed watching the transexual porn, but accepted he had this addiction. He has taken it a step further with acting out his fantasy. I kept telling him he should give me a real shot at love if he can't be faithful (he has cheated before) but he kept insisting he loved me and wanted to be a family (we have four kids).

I know he will continue to live out his fantasy, because when I asked him he said he didn't know if he could live without this in his life.

I am happy he has felt he could be honest, but devastated by his reality. He has been living a whole different life. I think he has been using me has his cover to say he has a happy family.

He treats me like crap most of the time, but is a good, not great, father to our children.

I will never be intimate with him again because of his dishonesty, but I want out of the relationship. This is way too much for me to deal with. Too many secrets and lies.

I am pregnant now and would have to sacrifice everything I worked hard for. He has destroyed my life. Suicide is an option, butt would hurt my kids too much.

Please help someone, I am very fragile right now. Am crying as I type, so sorry if there are any grammatical errors.

kalidanger Sat 02-Mar-13 09:53:14

I'm in East London too and I'm sending you live out over this mild grey day.

Please breathe, OP. This is a big deal and you absolutely need help. Don't get confused about being brave/coping and also panicking. Call a friend to talk to x

kalidanger Sat 02-Mar-13 09:56:25

The last time he knocked me out was a month ago, yes I called the police. They arrested him and then released him without even telling me and he came straight back to the house.

I strongly agree with calling 101 again. Explain, tell them you want him to leave and ask for their help. Get a friend to be with you! Don't be ashamed. If you've been keeping all this secret then yes, your friend or DSis or whoever will be very shocked but the will hold your hand very tightly Please get help x

Needhelpfast Sat 02-Mar-13 10:08:57

DS just wole up and got me thinking abit more rational and gave me the most wonderful hug as he normally does. To think I had lost all perspective and only thought about me and my feelings now.

itwillgetbettersoon Sat 02-Mar-13 10:28:07

Needhelpfast - hugs from your children are priceless. Stay strong you can do this - you are already being strong. X take little steps. X

scottishmummy Sat 02-Mar-13 10:39:19

The immediate priority is you, your welfare your physical/mental health
I see your pg contact the hosp,meet with the mw
If your mh is deteriorating and/or feeling suicidal go to a&e ask for psychiatric team
Call gpget immediate gp apt discuss what's going on,and your anxieties
I see youve said dh may be violent,you don't need to take women aid

So sorry for your troubles
What real life support you have?
Any good pals to help out

Sunshinewithshowers Sat 02-Mar-13 10:44:00

This was me 5 weeks ago. My 'D'P of 9 years had been living another life with 8 other women.

The stories that he had told them, made me sick.
He told one of them he had cancer treatment.

Im 32 weeks pregnant. We were buying our first home, just needed to sign.

The night I found out, I drove off in the middle of the night, wheel spinning in anger, driving like a madwomen. I walked around tesco for an hour, I couldn't breathe properly. I wanted to end it all.

Yesterday I went to Tesco & chose new things for my new place that I'm moving into.

I know that sounds silly, but already I feel better.
I no longer walk on eggshells.

Please believe me, It will be better xxxxxxx

kittybiscuits Sat 02-Mar-13 10:46:06

So glad you had a lovely hug. I echo advice to call the police on 101. You're pregnant and he knocked you out a month ago. There's nothing to consider. You will need help to handle this and you can tell as much or as little as you like. Keep looking at your DC, they love and need you. Please make yourself a cup of tea with two sugars. You'll get there. You really will x

kittybiscuits Sat 02-Mar-13 10:48:08

Strength to you sunshine - you are amazing.

nannyof3 Sat 02-Mar-13 10:50:29

Suicide is not a option!!!!

U have 4 children.. U must think of them

scottishmummy Sat 02-Mar-13 10:50:55

Do report to police,get cad number they log details with
Book a lawyer, try keep dates,sequence of events.mention he hit you last month
Is your accommodation secure?will you be ok with him about
If need be contact local council re accommodation for family

milkymocha Sat 02-Mar-13 10:56:56

Iam East London too and sending you big hugs!

You need to get out but, you know that already! You need to protect your children OP, they are relying on you!

Sailormercury Sat 02-Mar-13 11:11:54

The sooner you get him out the better flowers

EternalRose Sat 02-Mar-13 11:37:08

NeedHelpFast please dont hurt yourself, this is not your fault. Keep posting here so the wonderful women of mumsnet can support you.

UnlikelyAmazonian Sat 02-Mar-13 13:33:29

What are you doing now needhelp? We are concerned about you lovely. This relationship cannot and must not go on, but your personal safety is paramount right now.

What are you doing and where is your partner?

Breathe, focus, breathe, focus. Stay with us. Do not let this excuse of a man ruin your life any longer.

He has form for violence so you need to call a couple of authority figures to ask for help. Calling your Midwife or the crisis team at your local hospital are good starting points?

I could PM you my landline number and you can talk to me? You need to get through hour by hour. Am glad your DS gave you a big hug. You are his world and your baby-on-way also needs you. Dig up every mental and emotional strength you can muster.

I am so angry also that police allowed him to return home last time without informing you. Fgs. <<<>>>

Needhelpfast Sat 02-Mar-13 13:49:02

He is out now. He didn't say anything or do anything other than leave. I feel even more sick now, I don't know what the future holds.

UnlikelyAmazonian and Sunshinewithshowers I am sorry to hear of your situations.

I am in pieces. I can't really see a happy future.

I am looking forward to the birth of my child (not the labour).

A few horrible days and nights ahead.

UnlikelyAmazonian Sat 02-Mar-13 13:56:46

Ok well that sounds very good.

Did you ask him to leave and do you know where he has gone?

Of course you feel sick. Of course you are afraid. And no doubt you will have difficult days and nights to get through.,

But you have been amazing. Just today. So the next few days you need to get more help - from any resource you can. Family/friends/professionals.

When is your baby due? (congratulations for this - I never had another child after ExH and I would have so loved one/five!)

I am still worried for you however. On what 'terms' has he left and can you make sure he cannot return to the house and get back in?

What family do you have? My family were next to useless and so were H's - no support whatsoever so I had to muster all sorts of help from embarassing sources. Everyone came to my rescue. You must do this. <<>>

Needhelpfast Sat 02-Mar-13 14:50:04

I can talk to my sister, but not going to go into detail.

I think he wanted out but didn't want to be the one to leave because he didn't say anything. He will not be back. There is that little part of me that wanted him to beg me back and say how sorry he was, but he seemed very happy.

When we have split in the past, I have been the fool to say come back, the kids miss you. He would then make me have sex with him to prove he could still have me. I always hated having sex with him because he wanted me to do things I didn't feel comfortable with. I now to think where that thing has been I feel really sick. I said to my sis that my time with him has been a total waste, she disagreed and said it is an experience that you will learn from. 12 years of being lied to and abused. I am spoilt goods. I can't see myself moving past this. If I were to be with another man I will only think of this experience, so I doubt I will be intimate ever again.

Lueji Sat 02-Mar-13 15:05:10

Firstly, you are not "goods".

You will get over it in time. Just let it do it work.

You have 4+1 children to show for those 12 years. You cannot negate them.
I bet they are wonderful. smile

And think how fantastic your life will be without his presence.

Take one day at a time. You'll get there.

Big hug.

KnitFastDieWarm Sat 02-Mar-13 16:02:11

You are not 'spoilt goods', you are a strong woman, a mother, and a human being with a life ahead of you - which now won't be hampered by a lying, violent, abusive, disrespectful scumbag.
Don't let him win. Don't let his treatment of you make you feel unworthy. HE is the one with the problem, HE is the liar, the cheat, the thug.
Be strong, be angry, be free! We are all rooting for you.

Sunshinewithshowers Sat 02-Mar-13 17:59:47

Yes, we are all here for you. The pain is raw at the moment, you will grieve for the routine, the everyday life you had.

Then its like a weight lifting, the sun shining outside is another day for you to be happy, everything starts slotting into place.

My god, I could write over 100 scenarios now where he humilitated me, I never saw It at the time.

I said to myself for every second Im sad & crying, not eating, & being sick is a second for him to be feeling happy.

And theres no way Im letting that happen, so as cruel as I sound Im hoping every second I feel happy & look forward that he is feeling like shit.

Its the only way I have managed every day.

Its only just happened to you, so the shock is sickening, So please keep posting, your children need you, you sound amazing xxxx

scottishmummy Sat 02-Mar-13 19:01:57

No person is merely goods,you're the sum of all you've experienced and achieved
The experiences,good and bad,shape you. You're in no way spoilt.
Get good advice, see the gp and mw.and take care

Needhelpfast Sat 02-Mar-13 19:24:18

Thank you all for being there for me. I was contemplating calling him and asking him if he knows how much he has hurt me, but I know that he wouldn't actually care because if he did then he would not have been doing this. Still feel sick. If you heard the whaling I have been doing.

Yes it still feels very raw. He has ruined my life, I used to be so independent. I am now in debt thanks to him, coupled with my stupidity. I have stopped crying for now, but know there is more to come. How could he afford this? What the hell was he thinking? The computer history showed he was looking at this filth everyday, even at 5.30 in the morning. He is sick.

I know where I went wrong, it was thinking he would change. Leopards never change their spots; very true saying.

Sunshinewithshowers Sat 02-Mar-13 19:37:15

I said to my friend 'he has ruined my life'

She said 'No, he made it hell, your life/future begins now'

And like me, you thought he would change.
They don't see the need to change, because they see no wrong in being a cruel horrible person.

You keep going OP, hour by hour xxxxx

UnlikelyAmazonian Sat 02-Mar-13 22:13:10

Who is helping you op? Someone is hopefully helping you through.

ArtVandelay Sat 02-Mar-13 22:51:55

Hope everything is okay. Well, as okay as it can be right now. People will help, I'm pretty sure, just reach out.

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