Hi - I've trawled these threads and realise that my story is almost exactly the same as everyone else's: DH, nice bloke and all, decides to express his unhappiness with reality by boning a colleague. Totally found out and now wants to start again. I have read so much good advice and feel at least that I'm thinking clearly.
However, there's one area of advice that I just can't get my head round but want to see if I'm missing the point. The gist seems to be that you make him break contact with OW and check he has done it and even tell OW DH to make doubly sure you've scuppered the relationship, then keep him on a short leash around texting and emails etc.
This doesn't sit right with me - I want him to stop what he's doing because he wants to, to be with his family, and not because I've forced him. My thinking at the moment is that he's been irresponsible enough and if he chooses to carry on he can fuck off, frankly.
Another however - I only found out about this last weekend and I am also aware that I probably don't know what I'm feeling at the moment.
Any insight or advice very much appreciated. xx
PS: DD1 is 4, DD2 is 14 mo. DH is 39 and a massive baby.
Considering your job, and your satsuma skills, STBXH really didn't appreciate you at all, did he?
You have all the qualities to be a fantastic role model for your DD. Much better than being stuck in a relationship where you're begging DH to give up the OW and continually feeling that you need to snoop on him to see if he's really being straight with you. Just think what that would teach DD.
You sound fierce. My total and utter respect for how you handled this.
I never post on these threads but just wanted to say you are f**king brill.
I would be so proud of you if you were my friend.
Next step is he totally falls apart and begs and begs to come home, and he will, to be honest, you sound like you are out of his league anyway, stick to your guns. It all just get's better from here (with some wobbly day's thrown in).
Yes you sound like a wonderful woman op and I feel sure you will go on to much happier times, and more peaceful xx. Your husband sounds like a man who perhaps wasn't good enough for you and you found out in the fullness of time.
I am sort of pleased that given he was still bullshitting you, you discovered so early. I have been caught on that sort of " I have changed" approach too. The earlier the better, if its going to happen.
Why on earth they assume we are stupid, I just don't know.
Thank you onefewer - I might copy your post to my phone for an instant boost in the down times. And I must admit I still laugh at the old hotel room switcheroo - cheeky sod!! You know when things are so awful, but you suddenly get a window of totally detached and objective thinking? With me it's usually something I can laugh at and a little goes a long way.
And pinkypig, I hope things are going at least in the right direction for you. I've come across a couple of recent posts from you in other threads and see you're making progress. Good for you! Although how you manage to even shower with 4 is amazing- I must admit I'm slightly less fragrant than I used to be.
So, an update......
A week later he came round to mind the children and we talked when I got back. He totally changed his tune, said he needed help to sort himself out (as in professional help) and was sobbing and sounding very much on the edge of a breakdown. He actually said some revealing things and had obviously been thinking (like he has realised he doesn't envisage the future and can't remember any emotions from the past - I'm sure that rings some psychotherapy bells). Then he said he was just going to concentrate on getting a flat and a job (did I mention he resigned just before I found out? Fully supported by muggins) and seeing DC etc. Didn't want divorce to proceed but knew I did etc etc. me still calm and I ended up giving him a hug and said to call if he feels really on the edge. OW - hadn't seen her and no intention to, although still with the 'can't think of that right now' qualifier.
So, ffwd a week and I'm just starting to agree to hold off on divorce, when suprise suprise!!!!..... I recover some deleted files and found they hooked up in the hotel the week after he left. Resolve instantly Regalvanised!!!!! Thank you very much!!
(oh, and he's so self absorbed that he probably didn't cross his mind that I investigate fraud in a global company for a job and might just know a forensic technique or two, the tit.)
Anyway, I left the file open and waited for him to get back (he has left, but was working from my home that day to do the school run). Waited out of sight. Heard a very satisfying "oh no! Oh no!" when he saw the file open (he thought I was out).
Then it all got a bit Reservoir Dogs in that I was calm as anything, he was shaking and daren't move, and I casually sat down and took my time and talked and asked him stuff and he replied to everything. I even managed to eat a satsuma in a menacing manner!!!! I was on fire, even if I say so myself.
So, he's a bigger cliché than I ever thought. He's actually made it much easier for me. He's sorted in a flat close by and he can see that he has no sustainable hold over me emotionally. And actually, it's like he's been gone for ages and that's okay.
One thing he did say is that I don't hate him as much as he hates himself. I replied something like "I'm getting there", but actually he's right, I don't. I'm still furious and all the rest of it, but I'm moving slowly slowly towards indifference, and that's why I'll be okay.
(he has taken the DCs to his mum's today (difficult to wave them off and had a little cry), and I've gone back to bed! And I'm not even tired! Woo hoo!!!!)