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DH unfaithful cliche, but minded to tell him to shove it. Too hasty?

(62 Posts)
DHtotalnob Fri 01-Mar-13 23:36:26

Hi - I've trawled these threads and realise that my story is almost exactly the same as everyone else's: DH, nice bloke and all, decides to express his unhappiness with reality by boning a colleague. Totally found out and now wants to start again. I have read so much good advice and feel at least that I'm thinking clearly.

However, there's one area of advice that I just can't get my head round but want to see if I'm missing the point. The gist seems to be that you make him break contact with OW and check he has done it and even tell OW DH to make doubly sure you've scuppered the relationship, then keep him on a short leash around texting and emails etc.

This doesn't sit right with me - I want him to stop what he's doing because he wants to, to be with his family, and not because I've forced him. My thinking at the moment is that he's been irresponsible enough and if he chooses to carry on he can fuck off, frankly.

Another however - I only found out about this last weekend and I am also aware that I probably don't know what I'm feeling at the moment.

Any insight or advice very much appreciated. xx

PS: DD1 is 4, DD2 is 14 mo. DH is 39 and a massive baby.

pinkypig Sun 03-Mar-13 10:53:32

Good luck today. I found out last Monday that mine had been having an affair for 15 months. We have 4 kids 6, 4, 2 and 10 months.

I told him to leave while I think about what I want. I have zero desire to have him living under my roof. He is staying in a hostel as we have very little money (he lost his well-paid job last year as a result of the inter-office affair) so he is staying in a hostel. A huge come-down! He seems destroyed and says he wants to make amends, to make the marriage work. I think after this kind of situation, both parties need space to work out what they feel without the huge emotions around.
I don't know if I even like my husband anymore as the lying, cheating, grumpy man of the last 15 months was awful to live with (I put it down to the loss of job - sill me!)
Good luck you are not alone.

kalidanger Sun 03-Mar-13 10:57:00

Good luck OP I second all those you said you're brill and know what you're doing thanks

meditrina Sun 03-Mar-13 11:08:14

I don't think the advice about telling OW's DH is necessarily motivated by a wish to prevent further contact between them. It's about treating that DH like an adult and giving him information (which he may or may not already know) about the state of his relationship, thus enabling him to make decisions about his future based on his marriage as it actually is.

I think it's true that for as long as he has contact with OW, the affair cannot be over. That begs the question of whether forced severance will hasten realisation that, when bubble burst, he wants you not her. Or if it will just lead to over-romanticised thinking that she is the one who got away (corrosive in the longer term)?

But if you leave it up to him, how long are you prepared to put control of the timetable in his hands?

muddyboots Sun 03-Mar-13 21:05:23

Oh, pinkypig that is really shit. Well done for giving yourself space. I wish I'd done that and stuck with it. What do you think you'll do next?

I've been thinking about you DHtotalnob I hope you're ok and your 'meeting' with your 'D'H has been useful in clarifying stuff.

cjel Sun 03-Mar-13 21:48:56

I would agree that you tell him you are finished and let him realise he has no option. If he wants you it will happen in time, Making him cut contact and 'being honest' etc is a lot of effort and he'll still think its all part of a game.Go for seperation and take it slowly.

DHtotalnob Mon 04-Mar-13 22:47:26

Okay, we met and it quickly became obvious that me and him were nowhere near at the same point in our thinking. He was all, 'yes, I want to cut down on my drinking and get more involved' , but hadn't thought at all about the 'how' part. He said he wasn't going to have therapy because he didn't need to and could make that changes himself. (Wtf????? So it's so easy, but you just couldn't be arsed before???).

Anyway, he was very far from crawling on broken glass ( TheNorthWitch ) and even said "what do you want me to say?" and "I'm not going to go over everything that's happened since 2003" etc and just making things worse.

We decided to talk practicalities about the kids, which we managed, and I said he needs to move out properly and before I know it we're agreeing to see what happens and take stock at the end of April. We then talked about telling DD1 (which I'd googled to death, and he'd done nothing) and that was sad. Then we bought some stuff for the kids and had a bit of a cry and then, as we were walking back to the tube I found myself saying "you are going to break contact with her aren't you" and he said yes he'd meet with her today and tell her blah blah blah.

Then, a few minutes later, it just hit me that I'd turned into exactly what I'm not, and doing exactly what I didn't want, and what all you generous souls have been supporting me against. Agreeing to 'see how it goes', asking for reassurance that he wouldn't see her again. Jesus - what happened to my head?? I stopped dead and just said no, sorry, I was getting mixed up between sorting kid stuff out and sorting us out, and please ignore what I'd previously said.

We left it at that, I came home and read the new posts and was absolutely clear in my thinking. He came up with nowhere near enough and I cannot afford to get involved in some stupid romantic drama and all the self-doubt etc etc that involves. I have 2 lovely children, and they need me 100%.

He came round yesterday and we told DD1 and that was so awful I just thought if he can let things get to that stage and still not want to change things then he really is disgusting. He put them to bed, then I very calmly told him that nothing he'd said had even come close to making things better and that it was over and I was going to move on from now. I felt fine - not on adrenaline but just calm.

Today has not been so good as I've been very teary (for the first time) and I think it's because telling DD1 just broke my heart (she didn't seem too bothered, but I know it's early days).

Sorry this is a bit of a ramble. But a heartfelt thank you to each one of you. I'm still amazed at the number of people out there who are clever and articulate and so very very generous with their time. xxxxx

cjel Mon 04-Mar-13 22:51:02

Bless you. It is hard to sway from peace to tears isn't it? I hope you can get real life support to have contact to call on when teary days are hard.xx

DHtotalnob Mon 04-Mar-13 22:51:12

and pinkypig, I really admire you for being strong with 4 little ones and all the rest of it. I can't imagine. I really hope we get what we deserve. xx

muddyboots Mon 04-Mar-13 23:19:51

So he hadn't told her it was over yet! Was he just hedging his bets to see what you would say first? I think that the 'see how it goes' approach would have been understandable if he had shown some willingness to change or understand your feelings but it doesn't seem like that was what he was offering.

Well done for keeping a straight head despite all the emotions. You are brilliant.

Ledkr Tue 05-Mar-13 07:43:01

Well fine op!! You sound exactly how I was.
I think in the initial shock of it all you disparately want everything to be normal again but like you I quickly realised that "normal" was gone Nd I didn't much care for the alternative.
Mine was saying all the wrong things too so I hedged my bets and booted him out.
It's been great!
He was fuming. Booked a holiday for us to "talk"
I changed his name to my sisters and had a lovely break on him.
We are better than needing to stay with a cheater.

pinkypig Wed 27-Mar-13 10:02:46

How are things going now OP?

onefewernow Wed 27-Mar-13 10:53:33

OP you are one admirable clear thinking self respecting intelligent woman.

Your hotel coup is a classic of genius proportions. You will get over this, and I hope the next man in your life realises how lucky he is.

DHtotalnob Fri 29-Mar-13 10:24:18

Thank you onefewer - I might copy your post to my phone for an instant boost in the down times. And I must admit I still laugh at the old hotel room switcheroo - cheeky sod!! You know when things are so awful, but you suddenly get a window of totally detached and objective thinking? With me it's usually something I can laugh at and a little goes a long way.

And pinkypig, I hope things are going at least in the right direction for you. I've come across a couple of recent posts from you in other threads and see you're making progress. Good for you! Although how you manage to even shower with 4 is amazing- I must admit I'm slightly less fragrant than I used to be.

So, an update......

A week later he came round to mind the children and we talked when I got back. He totally changed his tune, said he needed help to sort himself out (as in professional help) and was sobbing and sounding very much on the edge of a breakdown. He actually said some revealing things and had obviously been thinking (like he has realised he doesn't envisage the future and can't remember any emotions from the past - I'm sure that rings some psychotherapy bells). Then he said he was just going to concentrate on getting a flat and a job (did I mention he resigned just before I found out? Fully supported by muggins) and seeing DC etc. Didn't want divorce to proceed but knew I did etc etc. me still calm and I ended up giving him a hug and said to call if he feels really on the edge. OW - hadn't seen her and no intention to, although still with the 'can't think of that right now' qualifier.

So, ffwd a week and I'm just starting to agree to hold off on divorce, when suprise suprise!!!!..... I recover some deleted files and found they hooked up in the hotel the week after he left. Resolve instantly Regalvanised!!!!! Thank you very much!!

(oh, and he's so self absorbed that he probably didn't cross his mind that I investigate fraud in a global company for a job and might just know a forensic technique or two, the tit.)

Anyway, I left the file open and waited for him to get back (he has left, but was working from my home that day to do the school run). Waited out of sight. Heard a very satisfying "oh no! Oh no!" when he saw the file open (he thought I was out).

Then it all got a bit Reservoir Dogs in that I was calm as anything, he was shaking and daren't move, and I casually sat down and took my time and talked and asked him stuff and he replied to everything. I even managed to eat a satsuma in a menacing manner!!!! I was on fire, even if I say so myself.

So, he's a bigger cliché than I ever thought. He's actually made it much easier for me. He's sorted in a flat close by and he can see that he has no sustainable hold over me emotionally. And actually, it's like he's been gone for ages and that's okay.

One thing he did say is that I don't hate him as much as he hates himself. I replied something like "I'm getting there", but actually he's right, I don't. I'm still furious and all the rest of it, but I'm moving slowly slowly towards indifference, and that's why I'll be okay.

(he has taken the DCs to his mum's today (difficult to wave them off and had a little cry), and I've gone back to bed! And I'm not even tired! Woo hoo!!!!)


Branleuse Fri 29-Mar-13 10:31:22

you are inspirational.

Im sorry youve had to go through this and been betrayed, but your attitude and strength is a breath of fresh air to read x

onefewernow Fri 29-Mar-13 10:33:50

Feel free!

I am sort of pleased that given he was still bullshitting you, you discovered so early. I have been caught on that sort of " I have changed" approach too. The earlier the better, if its going to happen.

Why on earth they assume we are stupid, I just don't know.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Fri 29-Mar-13 10:35:45

Yeah to 'eating a satsuma in a menacing manner' grin

You rock!!

Shame it took him being a total nob for you to see how awesome you are flowers

Keep on keeping on.

tallwivglasses Fri 29-Mar-13 10:46:52

<practises eating a satsuma in a menacing manner>

Truly you are an inspiration OP.

ImperialBlether Fri 29-Mar-13 10:55:37

OP, you need to have a sticky post in OTBT now that you've told us: "I investigate fraud in a global company for a job."

You would be an amazing resource here.

something2say Fri 29-Mar-13 10:59:05

Yes you sound like a wonderful woman op and I feel sure you will go on to much happier times, and more peaceful xx. Your husband sounds like a man who perhaps wasn't good enough for you and you found out in the fullness of time.

dondon33 Fri 29-Mar-13 11:27:13

What a strong inspirational woman you are - you kick ass, I'm in awe.

Your H didn't and doesn't deserve you and while I'm sad you had to find more evidence confirming what a complete lying, cheating bastard he is, I'm glad that you did.

I even managed to eat a satsuma in a menacing manner!!!!

smile smile smile
Thank you! for making me laugh (it's not easy at the moment)
Even made me nose splurt my coffee smile

I wish you and your DC the very very best for the future xx

ArabellaBeaumaris Fri 29-Mar-13 11:50:58

I'm sorry that you are in this position, but bloody hell, you OWN it, don't you?! Mucho respect.

Lovingfreedom Fri 29-Mar-13 12:05:16

Like your style...I love the satsuma detail. Genius. The citrusy sweet smell of fear.

getthegirladrink Fri 29-Mar-13 13:00:50

Do you think we could petition for <eats satsuma in menacing manner> emoticon? smile

Fluffydeville Fri 29-Mar-13 16:44:06

I never post on these threads but just wanted to say you are f**king brill.

I would be so proud of you if you were my friend.

Next step is he totally falls apart and begs and begs to come home, and he will, to be honest, you sound like you are out of his league anyway, stick to your guns. It all just get's better from here (with some wobbly day's thrown in).

Thisisaeuphemism Fri 29-Mar-13 17:07:51

Sorry to hear he did this to you but yes, you are genius! Well done for siding him out.
Hearing his oh no, oh no, must indeed have been v satisfying!

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