I found out from my OH's mother on Weds that he fathered twin boys 25 years ago when he was a teenager. I knew absolutely nothing about them until I walked into his Mum's house a few weeks ago to hear two strangers calling her Nan. I asked my OH about them and he said they were an ex girlfriend's kids. I asked him again a few days later outright if they were his -they look like his Dad - and again he denied it.
His mum eventually told me because she thought I had a right to know. One of the boys has just become a dad, making my OH a grandad and my 4 yr old and 1yr old aunties. I've been with OH 8 years and no-one, not even him, the father of my two girls thought to tell me till now.
I'm a reasonable, patient understanding person who can forgive mistakes but I can't forgive being lied to and even conned.
I don't know what to think or do for the best. We've been on rocky ground for the past 18months due to his lack of responsibility and preferring to smoke in his den rather than spend time with us. I feel this deceit is the final straw. I feel like I've been catapulted into someone else's life.
You may or may not want to finish the relationship over this, but, if you don't break up now I'd insist on no more lies. Telling everyone, including the girls and DS, friends, neighbours, whatever. And not another lie EVER.
The same for his lack of responsibility and spending too much time on his den. Everyone needs some time alone, but there should be boundaries, particularly if you are left in sole care of the children.
So he has a long history of lying to you about money, speeding tickets and other things. He prefers to smoke weed in a den to spending time with his children by you. He has lied to you about two human beings he created and a grandchild?
He's not improved much over the years it would seem, ignored his first 2 Ds's, now ignoring your DD's. Begs the question why he fathers children at all as he just isn't interested in being a parent. As his mother kept up the lie for 8 years, it would seem that he has deep-seated learned behaviour from her which is not likely to change. As lies go, it's a whopper! Now you know how how big they can get, just think how easy he must find many other smaller ones?
Wow, OP, you must have very little respect for this man, and therefore it would surely be impossible to carry on in the marriage. It's not like a small mistake, a little white lie, or something else that could be overlooked, but systematic lying over a lifetime. Does he show any remorse at all? Does he smoke a large amount?
If I carry on in the relationship I worry what effect it would have on my own self worth and self respect and the message this could send to my girls as they grow up.
I don't know how much he smokes only the amount of time and money he spends doing it. At its worst it was costing us £100 per week and he took money from my kids' money boxes to finance it. He manages to justify it all to himself though which is the scary thing. I'm not sure he thinks any of what he does is wrong.
Honestly? I can't see how you move forward from this. He's a liar. He doesn't like responsibility. He thinks his own wants and needs trump everyone else's. He cannot be relied upon or trusted to stick with it when the going gets tough. So I'd separate from him, and work on getting my DC and their half brothers some kind of relationship. Because their father will never be worth it, IMO.
I have a thread on here about my husband. He has two children that he never sees or told me about either. Who knew it happened in real life? There is amazing support on here,I am v grateful to the people who have been so kind & I'm sure they will support you & offer great advice.
Lying is who he is. You must know that after this it won't ever really matter what he says again- you'll never be able to look at him with love or respect or trust (not that he commanded much of that anyway by the sounds of it). He's a pig.
And you're quite right about the effect of that on your children.
Finally, now that you know what a scum of a father this man is, presumably you won't want him, still lying or not, to be a full-time influence on them. That goes for the 'grandmother' who also contributed to the deceit of you and your children.
You can all do a lot better, including his poor sons. Perhaps you could keep in touch with them independently?
'I don't know how much he smokes only the amount of time and money he spends doing it. At its worst it was costing us £100 per week and he took money from my kids' money boxes to finance it. He manages to justify it all to himself though which is the scary thing. I'm not sure he thinks any of what he does is wrong. '
He doesn't. That's why he has no trouble manipulating people with lies.
And took money for his kids money boxes to finance it?
And lied about two human beings he created, rarely saw them, didn't pay to support them, lied to you about money and speeding tickets, and takes money from his kids to smoke.
Yes, your self-worth will suffer if you stay with him, because he's a lying manipulative, selfish arse.
I don't often read posts on here and think "that would be a deal breaker for me" but wow, this is absolutely one situation where my DH would be out the door as fast as his little legs could carry him! Wow, I don't even know where to start with how many things are wrong with this situation!
Given his colossal sin by omission which others have colluded with for many years, together with the repeated lies he's told during your marriage over 'money, speeding tickets and silly things', the question now is what are you going to do in order to prove true to your word that you won't stand being lied to?
It has to be the decision you reach, obviously, but I think you need to ask yourself if you could (and perhaps even should) trust someone capable of this level of cool, ongoing deceit, over so many years and involving so very many people. Is this the relationship model you want for your daughters? And when they find out about their brothers (and one day, they will) do you want them to regard you with the same level of betrayal as you now regard your MIL and OH?
Again I am so very sorry. It's unfathomable as to why he'd do this - never mind to you, awful as that is, but to all four of his kids as well. His poor sons, how must it feel to be some sordid little secret like this?
Get out of there. You have a whole lifetime ahead of you, you don't need to be tied to this man. If he will lie about having children, he will lie (as he has done in the past) about anything. If he can deny his sons like that, he's not a decent man nor a decent father to any of his children. Dispicable git, get as far away from him as you can and move forward in your life.