Concerned for my friend

[sarahjaye]

I'm new to MN, so apologies for my first lengthy post, but I'm desperate for some advice on how to best help my friend.

I am writing out of concern for my oldest and dearest friend, whom I am deeply worried about. She has been in a relationship with her partner for thirteen years and together they have four children. She discovered her partner was having an affair with one of his work colleagues last summer - much to her complete shock, as she truly believed he was completely faithful and apart from the usual trials and tribulations of everyday life, things were pretty ok. She doesn't work at the moment, having given up her career to bring up their children and lives in relative isolation in a rural area some miles from the city where her partner is a medical professional.

Once the affair was discovered (she virtually caught them red handed when making a surprise visit home from their holiday home), he assured her it was over. Not so, as she repeatedly found subsequent text messages on his phone and the other woman even called her, describing their home and specifically the bedroom in detail. Since then, it has been a repeated cycle of denying the affair is continuing and finding more intimate texts and obvious evidence at his place of work (draw full of condoms, bottles of champagne, viagra, etc.) which state quite plainly the affair is still going strong.

Despite my misgivings about him when they first met, I get on with him quite well... well enough to speak to him about the affair and have come to the conclusion he may be a sociopath - he showed no remorse to me in a full and frank exchange, hinted that he would like her to leave without the children - his solution to their care was to hire a housekeeper, and when I challenged him that this wasn't the first time, merely the first time he'd been caught, he laughed and said I wasn't just a pretty face after all! He doesn't seem to care at all about how much he has hurt her or do anything to alleviate the suffering he is causing her.

Over the last few months my friend has called me on an almost daily basis and has gone from being distraught and crushed to complete self delusion, fluctuating between new evidence of his continued dalliances and coming up with ever increasing fantastical excuses to explain his behaviour - 'he says he doesn't know who this text is from, and I believe him" - and blaming the stress of his work to explain all this and his excessive drinking. She even blames herself for his behaviour for not being 'a good enough wife'.

I live nearly 300 miles from her and only get to see her three or four times a year, so most of our contact is via telephone, through which I have tried to be supportive and offer advice. Her self esteem is shot to pieces and I think she is terrified to kick him out as her confidence to cope alone with four young children is badly diminished and the thought of consulting a lawyer to establish her legal standing as I've pleaded with her to do so, seems an insurmountable hurdle. She has admitted that if it wasn't for the children, she would have left - but surely the days of 'sticking together for the kids' are proven to cause misery and more pain in the future?

I can't bear to see my funny, feisty and strong mate reduced to emotional rubble like this.

I know I can only listen and offer my opinion as much as I am capable, but I would appreciate your thoughts.