I've got four young dc's (6, 4, 2 and 5 months) and parents who live 10 minutes away, are retired, but have busy social lives, and although they are willing to help out from time to time, they aren't exactly involved with their grandchildren. I've come to terms with this over the years - to begin with I felt so cheated when I'd see other grandparents with carseats in their cars, loving spending time with their grandchildren - wanting to see them more etc. I've tried my best to just focus on our family, and to try to make things different for them (i.e. when they are grown up and have children of their own, we'll want to be involved etc). I had postnatal depression after my second, and saw a counsellor, and talked about the relationship I have particularly with my Mum. That was quite helpful, and I realise I've got to stop seeking 'approval' from her, and just get on with my life.
All fine and good, but then a few months ago my sister (10 years younger than me) announced her pregnancy. I've always had a good relationship with her, and am so happy that I'm going to be an auntie, and really want to help her in any way I can. What I'm finding difficult is that my parents have thrown themselves into her pregnancy with gusto, ringing every couple of days (she lives some distance away), visiting, buying things for them (e.g. cot, pram, car seat). Its not about the money, but it does rankle that they didn't contribute to anything for any of our children. They have also paid of my sister's overdraft and I can see they perceive my sister to need financial help. The thing between her and her partner they earn twice what dh and I do, have half the mortgage, and we have a family of six to look after. I can hardly say this to my parents without seeming bitter/ungrateful/begrudging, but its how I'm beginning to feel. Its mainly not the money though, that's a by-product if you like of how involved they are already, and the baby isn't even here yet.
I predict that they will visit even more, and may volunteer to look after their baby to enable my sister to go back to work, something they wouldn't entertain for us, hence I now share childcare with my dh, and our income has reduced considerably as a result.
My Mum is out shopping now for the new baby, even though she has a 5 month grand-daughter here...
I don't want my relationship with my sister to suffer because of this, and I can't see how I can tackle these issues with my parents. I feel incredibly resentful, hurt, emotional etc about it all - but don't want to blurt out like an angry teenager that 'its not fair'. Could anyone offer any ideas about how to deal with this myself. I'm not sure saying anything to my parents will have any affect. They tend to brush things off as 'being silly' and won't actually listen, so its really how can I learn to live with the situation myself so that I can move on without feeling so negative, and comparing my sister's pregnancy to my first (and subsequent ones).
I won't start on my brother. He is three years younger than me and recently my parents have been 'supporting him' because he and his partner's dog and to be put down. They don't have children themselves, and had a life very much dictated by the routine/requirements of the very challenging dog. I resented said dog because it absolutely terrified my children, and bit several people... I thought it was dangerous, and refused to have the dog in my house. My parents have been travelling down to spend time with them while they get through their bereavement, and while not meaning to belittle their experience, I can't help wonder whether it is a bit out of proportion? When I asked for help on my health visitor's insistence when I was diagnosed with PND, they laughed it off and said I didn't seem depressed. This may sound a little one-sided, and I'm editing the story down for the sake of brevity, but basically, they seem to emotionally support my brother and sister but are very 'at arms length' with me, and the financial thing bugs me. They are paying for brother and his partner to go to America this September to give them something to focus on.
Dh and I go out on average once a year. We work solidly day and night (as parents do) but get no support. My parents make it so obvious they are looking forward to seeing my siblings/spending time with them etc, but will only 'pop' to see us e.g. for half an hour on a Sunday... Outwardly all is cordial with them, its certainly not that I'm really difficult/awful to them! I just can't understand the apparent blatant favouritism. There is no doubt that my siblings are more 'fun' to be with. Up until my sister's pregnancy they all liked to go out for a drink etc, whereas I've been pregnant for 3 of the last 6 years, and have had to sit things out. We try - but we're tired, worn down with all the stuff we have to do, and just can't fit in with them and their plans...
I'm worried I'm coming across as very needy. I'm aware that I'm a grown adult, and don't need handouts from them (wouldn't want them anyway - we pay for our own things and save for what we can't...) but the fairness aspect gets to me. Why should we be 'punished' for our careful planning and money management? We're on a very tight budget, and have always bought things second hand/E-bay etc for the children, so it is particularly galling that ds is getting lovely new stuff for her baby, and has just started NCT classes which we could never afford.
So much for brevity!! Anyway - any thoughts will be very gratefully received!
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How to deal with parents who treat siblings differently?
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happynappies · 28/02/2013 15:39
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