Why be so nasty? Just why?

[ElectricSoftParade]

I'm sorry but this is re: my relationship with MIL.

We have quite an uneasy relationship but we have both had to get on with it, as DH and I have been together 15 years. Although we live close to each other we only really see her about 6 or so times a year. She is known for her "dizziness" which means she says quite unpleasant/hurtful things followed by a laugh which means you are supposed to laugh along iyswim.

Anyway, the reason I am writing this is that this latest bout of dizziness has made my two DCs very upset. They are 6 and 8 and heard that Grandma was coming for a visit and got excited. She arrived, they answered the door and were all "Grandma!", all happy and cheerful. She responded by guiding them out of the way so she could walk forward through them and said "Oh I'm don't want to see you two, I'm hear to see my son! You are not so special you know and XXXX is always going to be my favourite". tinkly laugh She then saw me and said "Oh no, I am in trouble now, Mummy heard me then, wonder what she will tell Daddy?!". XXXX is another grandchild.

The DCs were both taken aback and well, quite upset asking her why she doesn't want to see them. She did her laugh again and told them they shouldn't question an adult. Anyway, as it was, I decided to take them out so she could see her DS without us being around. I didn't flounce but just suggested the park. I know if I had stayed I would have said something and wanted to avoid another arguement. DH says its just the way she is, which is fine but when she upsets the DCs with her comments I think it just goes to far.

So, do I just accept that it is just how she is or do I have a conversation with her re: the above? I accept that me as an adult can deal with any comments put to me but it has really upset the DCs that their Gran doesn't want to see them.

[ElectricSoftParade]

here to see my son

[Cherriesarelovely]

That is really nasty! I am aghast actually. Your poor kids. I think you should tell her how hurt they were.

[squeaver]

What does your dh have to say about this?

[Lueji]

I wouldn't have accepted it if my mother ever said that to my children.

I'd insist that DH did something about it.

[Cluffyfunt]

No way do accept it!
I would make DH tell her what a nasty cow she is and she wouldn't be speaking to dc until she understood and admitted that saying shite like that is hurtful to dc.

Aside from that, I admire you for calmly taking them to the park.
I think it was absolutely the best thing to do in the circumstances.

[UnrequitedSkink]

What a bitch. I'd be having words, but she doesn't sound like the kind of person who'd listen and change her attitude accordingly.

[Cluffyfunt]

no way do you* accept it

[Hopasholic]

What an awful thing to say. I would be very hurt as an adult if somebody spoke to me like that. I'm staggered. Give her what she wants, tell her not to darken your doorstep again. Frankly, I'm surprised you didn't tell her to turn around & F off, you would have been well within your rights to do so. But I guess you were probably in shock!

[badtime]

I would probably have said something like 'Grandma is only joking! Only an evil old witch would say something like that and mean it! Hahahaha!'
...and keep doing that every time she said something like that until she realised what she was doing.

I am a bit belligerent, and I would always choose confrontation rather than to stewing over things, but I truly despise bullies who say 'only joking!' after saying something hurtful, as if that makes it all better.

[Hullygully]

She is vile.

There is no way to think otherwise.

I think rather than force dh to agree etc I'd just say, "She said X. It was completely unacceptable and I want nothing to do with her. If you wamt to see her, fine. I don't" and have nothing to do with her yourself but without making a big deal over it iyswim

[oldwomaninashoe]

She must be aware that her brand of "humour" is not understood or appreciated by a 6 and 8 year old.
What a stupid woman. I think the Dc's need to tell their father how upset they are.
It is no good saying that it is just the way she is to young children, she needs to explain her comments to them and to tell them she doesn't really mean them, your DH should insist on this.

[Sugarice]

Is this a day visit or overnight?

[SPBInDisguise]

What an awful thing ti say. How is her relationship with her gcs? Is x her favourite?

[poozlepants]

We are having major problems with MIL massively favouring SIL's GC over ours and being less than subtle about it but even I wouldn't stand for this. I would have told her what she said was just plain wrong and that if she was going to upset the children she should just keep away. Obviously your Dh should be doing it but if he's like mine he maybe incapable of changing the way he deals with madness in the family.

[MothershipG]

Hang on, your DH thinks it's acceptable for his mother to upset his young children because "that's just the way she is"???

He thinks it's ok for her to tell 6 & 8 year olds, who obviously won't get the "joke" that she prefers their cousin???

I think you need to be having a serious conversation with him and point out to him that until his Mother agrees to be civil she can stick to seeing the grandchild she prefers and stay away from you and your children.

[pictish]

I cant believe anyone would be so outwardly hurtful!!
Shocked!!

[Astelia]

Agree with Hully. What a vile woman. She would not be seeing me again or the DCs until she had apologised and promised to be civil.

[AbigailAdams]

I am sorry but your DH is also behaving appallingly. He is saying it is OK for his children and his wife to be hurt and belittled by someone. Just not good enough.

[IAmNotAMindReader]

She doesn't see them then, simple as that.
Your children have a right to have relationships with people who love them and want to know them, they don't need to feel they are yesterdays broken toys.
She has lost all rights to expect any contact with your children after hurting them like that. Those are the type of comments that are remembered for a lifetime and shape future relationships.

[AnAirOfHope]

Sof having a row I would of stuck up for the children and tell her to answer their wuestions or fuck off.

I would be outraged. I would have told her to leave and I would send dh to see her when he felt like it.

She is toxic and a bitch and knows what she is doing - start calling her on all of it.

Also "Jokes are funny love, thats not funny"

"Ffs did you mean to be so fucking rude and insulting"

"you didnt go to charm school"

"Its ok kids gramma is old and senile we can put her in a home soon, maybe I should call the dr if she does realise how unacceptable that it?" Then laugh and smile sweetly at the cow bag.

[Sailormercury]

What a toxic old hag! I think she needs a life time ban from your house

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

No, you never accept this. She is your DHs mother and she happens to be a disordered, emotionally volatile and toxic human being. You do not have to have her within your home at all because she just happens to be DHs mother.

He is also part of the problem here because through inbuilt conditioning on her part he has never been able to stand up for himself when it comes to her. He is probably caught in FOG with regards to his mother; fear, obligation, guilt. He does not perhaps on some level want to actually accept that his mother is a toxic and dysfunctional person. People after all are programmed to love parents no matter how crap or abusive you are and he may well have divided loyalties even now. Toxic parents like his mother too more often than not become toxic grandparents as has already been too clearly seen here. This crap can too easily spill down the generations. You have to protect them from such malign influences.

I would also think she has not apologised for her actions nor even taken any real responsibility for same. This is typical toxic parent behaviour.

Do not ever let this woman into your home again. You and DH have to raise your boundaries a lot bloody higher than they have been, you do not have to accept her so called dizziness and this excuse of "this is the way she is". No.
You would not tolerate such from a friend, family particularly toxic family are no different in this regard.

DO read Toxic Inlaws written by Susan Forward.

[ElectricSoftParade]

Oh thanks for the replies! I have just got the DCs back from school so will read in a little while.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Also such toxic people cannot be readily reasoned with so a row would not clear the air at all. "Normal" rules of dealing with relations go out the window when it comes to dealing with toxic relatives.

[AgentFelix]

She's a fucking old cow!

Hell would freeze over before I let her see the DC again.