How can I support dp with mil's anger towards us?

[honeytea]

I have posted before about mil, she has some strange ideas about the things we should be doing with ds (10 weeks old) the issues have been things such as she gets very upset if I burp ds on my knee, she came to visit when ds was 4 days old and I had just woken from a nap, I sat quietly bf ds because tgey speak another language, I do understand the language but I was tired and emotional, mil interpreted me not chatting as me having an attitude. Mil wanted ds to sleep in bed with her and files when he was 8 weeks old. All these things we just ignored.

Ds was very ill with rs virus when he was 5 weeks old, we had to stay in hospital for nearly a week. The paediatriction advise us to take extra precautions with ds as he is more likely to become asthmatic and if he caught rs virus again he could get very ill again. We were advised not to go to the UK because there is likely to be a different strain of rs virus there, I was told to keep him away from other babies for 3-4 weeks (because he could be contagious) we were told that smokers shouldn't be allowed to hold him because tge smoke on their clothes could irritate his lungs (this advice was till he is 18 months)

We have followed tge guidelines, we cancelled our trip to tge UK, I stayed at home with him for a month, I move if someone lights up at a bus stop.

Mil is a smoker and coming to visit for the 2nd time (first time was when he was a newborn) she is staying with sil. Dp told her over tge telephone today tgat we had been advised to not allow ds around smokers but we know it is important to her to see her grandson so we would like to bring him round first thing just after she has showered and put clean clothes on (so there would be no smoke on her) mil smokes 5 cigarettes a day so there would be plenty of time between her shower and the need for a 2nd cigarette.

Mil is very angry about us asking her to hold ds only after she has showered. She said to dp today that she didn't want to see ds till he was 18 and then he can decide if he wants a grandma. Dp is very upset, he said to mil "smoking is more important than your grandma's health"

How can I support dp? Should we maybe disregard tge guidelines just for mil? I really don't want to do that but I don't want dp to have a bad relationship with his mum. dp thinks his mother is being selfish and unreasonable, he explained tgat my family are flying over to meet ds next month because we had to cancel our UK trip and I didn't go out for a month asking her to shower is not the only thing we are doing we are not picking on her.

I feel so sad when I look at little ds and know mil must love dp the same as I love my ds, I really don't know how to support dp at this time :(

[Whocansay]

Your Paediatrician has said these things for a reason. Why you would think of going against him for this selfish, self centred old bag is beyond me. Your ds is still very young. Listen to medical advice and tell MIL to wind her neck in. She does not know better than a specialist.

[cuttingpicassostoenails]

Whocansay said it very well. Take notice of what the doctor said.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You support your DP also by not going against medical advice given for good reason. Your primary loyalty is to him and your child, not his mother. He is right; his mother is being totally unreasonable here and has been all along to boot.

Your DP and his mother's relationship is likely to be now beyond repair and frankly I feel pity for him having a dysfunctional mother like his. It is indeed to his credit that he seems emotionally balanced. You need to be aware that "normal" ways of dealing with family relations go out the window when it comes to such dysfunctional people.

You likely come from a thankfully emotionally healthy family and so have not seen this type of toxic dysfunction present in his mother before now. It is neither his fault or yuors that she is like this; her own birth family did that particular lot of damage to her. Do not pander to her. If she cannot put her grandson's health and wellbeing before her need to have a cigarette then I would also argue that she is not worth having in your lives. She will continue to cause trouble for you all.

[Flibbertyjibbet]

So you cancelled a trip back to the uk for baby to meet your family. The other grandparents have never even met baby but your mil thinks you're being unreasonable asking her not to put her grandson in contact with her cigarette smoke?

My ds2 was in hospital with a virus at 5 weeks, he had a lumbar puncture, chest xray, was on a drip for 4 days and then very ill for a while after. My own mil never once offered to help with ds1 as DP is self employed and had to take time off. So I feel your pain!!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I feel so sad when I look at little ds and know mil must love dp the same as I love my ds, I really don't know how to support dp at this"

You cannot readily assume the above as you are not his mother. His mother likes power and control. Apart from anything else such fundamentally selfish and self absorbed people like his mother often only love their own selves and regard others as of secondary importance.

[DontmindifIdo]

"I feel so sad when I look at little ds and know mil must love dp the same as I love my ds, I really don't know how to support dp at this"

OK, think about you being MIL then. Your DS has grown up, met a lovely woman and fabulously had a son of his own. You are so happy for him. But, his beautiful DS has been dangerously ill. His health is compromised and he's at a hgh risk of developing illnesses that can effect the rest of his life. Your DIL has cancelled taking your DGC to see her family to avoid risking your DGS's health - obviously a big sacrifice from there side. Your DS wants you to spend time with your DGS, but your DGS can't be around smokers, they can compromise if you come round after having a shower in the morning. That's all you're being asked.

Would you, as someone who loves your DS think this is too much for him to ask? Would you think this slight inconvience about the timing of your visit would be more important than your DGS's health and therefore your DS's happiness? Do you think you would realise that this is a difficult time for your DS and try to help and support him as much as you could, or would you cause a fuss and be another problem he has to deal with? As a loving mother, what would you reaction be to your DS having to deal with a sick child? What would your reaction be to your DS needing you to slightly alter your plans in order to take a massive amount of fear and stress out of his life?

Basically, you have to accept she doesn't feel the way about her DS as you think about yours, you'd do anything for your DS, she won't even time her visits to be just after a shower to keep him happy.

[honeytea]

It is really sad to think that mil is just toxic :( She does like to be in controll, she has 3 dd and 1 ds (my dp) she has 11 grandkids and I think she has been very involved with all the others, they have moved 1000km away from all their family now so she naturally doesn't see ds as much as she saw her other grandkids.

MIL has said that we are keeping her grandchild away from her, it's just not true. I think she sees DS as her grandson and forgets that we are his parents.

It is right what Atila and don'tmindifido say, she must not feel the same about her ds as i do about my ds I can't expect everyone feels the same. I would never cut my ds out of my life for any reason nevermind a fairly rational request.

MIL has said to me before that she loved one of her grandsons (one that tragically died) more than she ever loved he own children, I think she tends to overstep the mark with her grandkids but her dds have let her do it with all the previous grandchildren.

[DontmindifIdo]

support him in holding the line - if she really loves her grandson that much, she would hate the idea she could do anything to harm him, not kick off that she's not got to see him at the best time for her.

She's just using the DGCs as a way of control. It doesn't sound like she'll be a good influence on DS anyway.

[BerylStreep]

Having had a very poorly DS when he was a similar age, I would be following the paediatrician's advice to the letter. I hope you are both holding up ok.

Strangely, I had cause to meet my Dsis' extremely narcissistic smoker MIL last week. She leant over me to speak to me about something, and I had to spend the whole time trying not to be sick from the smell of smoke. Honestly, smokers just don't realise how bad they smell. And I say that as someone who smoked 20 years ago .