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Why are so many men so selfish and entitled in bed?

(194 Posts)
Frizzbonce Thu 28-Feb-13 12:28:49

I don't mean rape or assault or any kind of sex where abuse is involved.

What I mean is the kind of really rubbish sex where you lie there afterwards feeling twitchy and resentful I've been thinking back over all the bad sex I've had. Sadly a lot of it was because I didn't think I was entitled to expect good sex and even when I did start understanding what I wanted and tried to gently encourage, I still encountered men who would

Go straight from a brief tongue jab to nipple twiddle followed by a quick check down there to see if I was 'ready'.
Twiddle my nips in bored fashion as though trying to locate Latvian Radio
Fiddle with my ladyparts in manner of Doing Me a Favour or trying to remove a stain from blazer

The absolute worst sex ever was when I was briefly dating a doctor. I should have guessed at his manners when he wandered out of the restaurant and peed up against the side of the wall while howling like a wolf. I was only twenty - that's my excuse. He also possessed an extensive collection of 'video nasties' and in his bedroom was a very well thumbed copy of the Marquis de Sade's Forth Days of Sodom. There was no foreplay and he kept his socks on. It really hurt me because I wasn't ready at all and I asked him to stop. He said: 'Are you a virgin - is that why you're so dry?' Something snapped and I got out of bed got dressed and went home.

Now I've been with DP for several years and I could tell he was going to be fabulous from the moment we kissed and he was and he still is. It's because my pleasure is his pleasure too. It's really not that difficult. Like women and take some time to turn them on. Why, with all the information out there are some men still so entitled and selfish in bed?

flurp Thu 28-Feb-13 12:54:59

That doctor sounds vile!!
My DP is brilliant too but I have had my fair share of horror stories in the past (like the one who quite literally did press ups on me with his eyes tightly shut and if I made a noise he said "shhh!").
I have come to the conclusion that men are like this out of laziness or ignorance (or both)
I have never seen the point of faking it but so many women do and I think this adds to the problem that these useless men think that they are great in bed because "XXX liked it"

meditrina Thu 28-Feb-13 13:04:58

"peed up against the side of the wall while howling like a wolf" shock grin

More seriously, it sounds like a problem of the absence of basic kindness and consideration. Add to that insecurity (of youth, for first encounters, or of wider nerves if older) overlaid with ever more pervasive laddishness, and it's a murky picture.

Early training in consideration and empathy in every part of life and messages which counterbalance the laddishness (and misogyny) of sectors of the media might help. And also teaching girls to demand better.

Frizzbonce Thu 28-Feb-13 13:16:08

flurp 'The one who quite literally did press ups on me with his eyes tightly shut and if I made a noise he said "shhh!" shock

Wise words meditrina "Early training in consideration and empathy in every part of life and messages which counterbalance the laddishness (and misogyny) of sectors of the media might help. And also teaching girls to demand better."

Yes! Demand better. But I still think we teach girls about sex in terms of 'being careful' and protecting themselves and not enough about the pleasure of sex, that masturbation is normal etc. I mean we live in a culture where menstrual blood is blue in ads and feminine hygeine products carry the pervasive message of being unclean. Can you imagine scented boxer liners for men? Men! Keep your Gonads Lemon Fresh!

No me neither.

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 28-Feb-13 13:19:10

Men! Keep your Gonads Lemon Fresh!

Has just made my day. I've splurted my drink EVERYWHERE. Dear god, someone needs to make these!

TheUndesireable Thu 28-Feb-13 13:21:34

My dp is pretty useless. I've been thinking about it a lot lately so this thread caught my eye. I've been thinking about how I haven't had oral sex in over a year sad I still give him oral occasionally, not sure why. I guess because I enjoy giving him pleasure.

Theres Not much foreplay, a quick fiddle and then just basically bangs away until he's done. In the beginning he was more adventurous, but it's become a boring routine now. I used to love sex, now I don't bother initiating because there's nothing in it for me.

I've raising it with him lots and showed him what I like, written him a letter, talked about it. It will change for a couple of weeks but then always reverts back. Thing is I don't enjoy it when it changed because I know it's only because I've said something, not because he wants to please me.

I know he will never change. I'm 28 years old and feel very depressed that this will be my sex life sad

TheUndesireable Thu 28-Feb-13 13:23:53

To add I never fake it. He must know I don't orgasm, because when I do on the odd occasion (when I've basically done all the work) he will say 'wow you haven't come in ages' yeah I wonder why hmm

Frizzbonce Thu 28-Feb-13 13:38:25

TheUndesirable - well good for you for not faking. But the fact that this doesn't seem to bother him speaks volumes.

'I'm 28 years old and feel very depressed that this will be my sex life.'

Only if you choose to stay with him.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 28-Feb-13 13:38:59

Reading that - I have never had sex that bad, ever.

The worst was purely due to anatomy, or lack of it, but that had nothing to do with technique or sexual etiquette.

Have I been lucky? I don't know, I've had plenty of different partners so I am not viewing this from a small sample size grin

Dahlen Thu 28-Feb-13 13:39:22

TheUndesirable, it doesn't have to be your sex life for the rest of your life.

You've made it clear. Any normal, caring person who loves their partner would listen to what you're saying and make permanent changes. He's basically just paying you lip-service, which says a lot about his level of respect and care for you. sad I bet his lack of consideration shows in other ways as well.

Inexperience/ineptitude is excusable. But having been shown what is good/wanted, there really is no excuse to continue being crap.

maras2 Thu 28-Feb-13 16:28:05

I've only ever had sex with DH and him with me.We were a bit crap to start with 45 years ago but with practise and a sense of humor we got it right eventually.He's a great lover who has changed techniques to suit my body changes over the years.I'm not too bad myself.Don't know how either of us would perform with other partners though.Hope we'll never have to find out.The tales on here about some blokes rubbish techniques have made me laugh as I recognise some of them from when we first started .... especially the analagy with getting a stain out of a blazer .... as I said, we got better < thank God >smile

StitchAteMySleep Thu 28-Feb-13 16:40:56

I think the prevailing porn culture doesn't help.

From watching porn some men learn that women are no more than inflatable dolls with orifices who make overly appreciative noises, far from the truth about real women.

A lot of women buy into this too hence the whole brazilian wax, barely there hair down there trend.

We need to learn to love ourselves as we are and then demand the respect we deserve from our lovers. Low self-esteem and peer pressure are a big part of it.

I feel so sad when I think back to my early sexual history and so very glad that I have now in my DH a loving partner.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 28-Feb-13 16:59:36

Well, it's only really in the last 100 years or so that it's been remotely acceptable for women to enjoy sex. It used to be the case that a woman who liked sex was percieved as wicked or mentally ill. So there is a great deal of cultural weight to the idea that sex is something women 'let' men have on their bodies, and that the man's orgasm is what matters.

Also, girls are still quite often taught about sex in terms of disease, danger, pregnancy rather than enjoyment; it's all about controlling the man's access to your body etc.

cronullansw Thu 28-Feb-13 19:30:51

I just knew porn would be to blame..... smile

Obv it couldn't possibly be lack of education, to both genders, about how sex is fun, and enjoyable. Young people should be taught that sex is fun - instead there are terrifying mental hurdles being built up about pregnancy and sti's, hmm, sounds like heaps of fun to me.

And I honestly don't think one gender or the other is at fault here, so picking on men isn't entirely necessary - or are the majority of women sexually brilliant straight from the get go?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Thu 28-Feb-13 19:52:32

That poster didn't blame porn, she merely said it doesn't help.

And if a man has an orgasm but doesnt take the trouble to give a woman one, then it's the man at fault isn't it.

How many sexual encounters do you here about where the woman has an orgasm and then it's all over, never mind if the man has one or not

MomaP Thu 28-Feb-13 20:00:20

I agree with flurp - ive been with DH for 7 years and he has never, ever give me an orgasm through intercourse.
My fault entirely, I've always faked it because I thought the problem was me and only I could solve it. I was naive, because I was just 15.
7 years on, I still fake it. sad sad sad

ParsleyTheLioness Thu 28-Feb-13 20:03:18

But porn DOES mainly show women not needing anything but penetration to have enjoyable sex, that is assuming that it is enjoyable for them at all angry
I think schools now, certainly in my 15yr dd's case, is doing a more balanced sex ed, indicating it should be fun, as well as responsible.
It may just be my unfortunate experience, but often it seems to me that men are SCARED of women who really enjoy sex. Don't know if they just have many issues with women, find it a bit scary, the old good women they marry, bad women they don't thing...

Beograde Thu 28-Feb-13 20:22:28

I'm going to be slightly controversial and turn the question around - why are so many women crap at communicating what they like and don't like? Having spoken to many friends about this over the years, I often wonder why so many women don't lead more and say "I really like it when you ..."

ParsleyTheLioness Thu 28-Feb-13 20:23:56

Beo whenever I have, it hasn't gone well, so not the problem in my case. I have always given the best chance of good sex.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Thu 28-Feb-13 20:24:44

Women, please don't fake it!!!

Honestly, how are we ever expected to get better.

Tell us, show us........... wink

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Thu 28-Feb-13 20:38:43

Excellent post Beograde - i've always believed in the school of thought "theres no such thing as bad sex, just two individuals who aren't communicating properly"

I've tactfully broached this subject a few times and the sex DID improve.

Uppatreecuppatea Thu 28-Feb-13 20:59:41

My ExH was not that great. When I tried to (very) gently direct him, he accused me of being like a drill sergeant. Cue lots of faking, then avoiding sex, then a non-existence of sex. Oh, and divorce.

My now DH is the best and we have great sex almost every day. I have to laugh at my ExH calling me frigid. Au contraire, my dear! grin.

Uppatreecuppatea Thu 28-Feb-13 21:03:43

To add: my DD is 10 and they are watching a series of health education videos at school (which were screened to us parents first).

After watching the first video, which taught them all about their bodies and puberty, she wanted to come home and have a look at her vagina in the mirror with me! She also insisted we buy panty-liners on the way home from school and proclaimed that she hadn't yet felt any pleasure from touching herself 'like the video said'. She also knows that sex is not only to make babies but something that feels good between two loving people (whatever their flavour).

I think this a positive thing and I will always encourage an open dialogue with her. They are clearly being taught a healthy view of puberty and sex.

ParsleyTheLioness Thu 28-Feb-13 21:12:33

Uppatrea I got told the same from exh...I think it was "Yes miss", but pretty much the same! So you can tell them, and they don't take any notice. Ergo, telling them what you like is not always the answer...

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Thu 28-Feb-13 21:31:20

Is it wrong that although I don't think my dh is brilliant in bed, I don't really care?

I've never had much of a sex drive and we rarely have penetrative sex. We tend do just do lots of other things. I have never had an orgasm through penetration, it just doesn't work for me, but dh can make me orgasm lots of other ways.

When we do have sex however I just don't enjoy it. He doesn't hurt me or anything and he really does try hard to please me, but it just does absolutely nothing for me. I would like to think that I did have a fulfilling sex life with proper penetration but I just don't get anything out of it. He's not bothered himself, as long as we are intimate and something happens he's happy.

I don't think I ever want to tell him that I think our sex is rubbish. I couldn't bear to hurt his feelings and as I'm not that bothered anyway I don't see any point in telling him. On the odd occasion that he actually wants penetration I don't think it's a big sacrifice to go along with it and be encouraging.

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