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Advice for a friend please: DV

(13 Posts)
skidd Wed 27-Feb-13 21:39:37


I don't know what to do for the best to help/support a friend and her DC. Her H is becoming increasingly volatile and aggressive since she has told him she wants to leave. He has a history of controlling behaviour and anger problems although afaik he hasn't hit her or her DC (he has spat in her face in front of the DC). Over the last couple of weeks, he has been shouting at her and pushing her in public (DC's school). He also stalks her and rings her at work up to 50 times a day or more (usually abusive),

Things have escalated recently as she has told him its over and tonight he is staying at a friend's house. I am worried about what might happen next. So my question is what should/can I do? A mutual friend has suggested I talk to SS or to the school. This feels like a real betrayal going behind her back (she definitely wouldn't want me to do this) but of course the safety of the children is the most important thing.

Can anyone give me some advice? Thank you.

BonaDrag Wed 27-Feb-13 21:48:30

No direct experience of this but giving you a bump

Lueji Wed 27-Feb-13 21:48:47

If you have witnessed

Lueji Wed 27-Feb-13 21:53:03


If you have witnessed the violent behaviour, you could report it to the police.

She should really leave or make sure he does.
It might take going to the police or asking for a judicial order.

Personally, I wouln't try to be nice to him. I'd make the cut quick and definitive.

Leaving is always the most dangerous time.

You could try to point her to dv advice, or even this place.

Fleecyslippers Wed 27-Feb-13 21:53:43

Lots of useful info there. I would hesitate to speak to any statutory bodies behind her back at this moment in time. She will already be feeling incredibly vulnerable and needs to be able to trust you 100%. Have you actually talked to her about getting some help ? Are you assuming she won't want help ? She may be crying out for you without actually being able to say the words.

izzyizin Wed 27-Feb-13 21:58:45

What exactly does your 'mutual' friend think SS or the dcs' school can do in this situation?

Now that he's out of her home albeit for only 1 night, your friend needs to move quickly to make sure he stays out of it and to this end she should make contact with Women's Aid - she can locate her nearest branch here: and give them a call in the morning or ring the 24/7 helpline.

If he kicks off at any time in public or in private, your friend is best advised to call 999 and let the police deal with him. With regard to his stalking and harassment, it would be prudent for your friend to make contact with the police on the non-emergency number 101 and ask to be put through to her regional police authority's Domestic Vioence Unit.

skidd Wed 27-Feb-13 22:03:13

Thanks everyone,

Fleecy, yes I talk to her a lot about it, try and listen and understand why she is not ready to leave (in the past), have read on the WA website how to support a friend experiencing DV etc, and I agree it is important that she can trust me, but I also know that she MASSIVELY minimises what is happening and the impact it is having on the DC

Lueji - I have witnessed the pushing but nothing else but don't think I'd be comfortable reporting to the police. I think a big obstacle to her leaving is that she feels guilty about hurting him and tries to understand why he behaves the way he does, taking his responsibilities on so that she feels unable to take action.

skidd Wed 27-Feb-13 22:06:07

Thanks Izzy, The mutual friend works for SS and I guess she reckons they will do an assessment of whether the children are safe?

Totally agree with your advice about her leaving tonight and calling the police about stalking etc but at the moment I don't think she is ready to do this - and there's not much I can do about this

skidd Thu 28-Feb-13 20:40:48


CharlotteCollinsislost Thu 28-Feb-13 21:37:49

I minimise baaadly about my EA marriage. You could gently remind her what you see as so bad? I really struggle to see things from a 'normal' perspective as my view is rather distorted by being in it. If you said to her that she could report to the police what he's done, then it reminds her how bad it is. But it's great that you're listening and not telling her what to do and not pressuring her.

Hope she is ok tonight.

jjgirl Fri 01-Mar-13 06:20:42

By telling him she wants to leave she is stoking the fire so to speak. The best thing to do before leaving if you don't feel able to leave right away is get as much legal advice and counselling as you can and just keep quiet about it. Women's aid have something about this on their website somewhere. Don't give a violent man fuel.

cestlavielife Fri 01-Mar-13 15:40:22

so long as he stays away children are safe right? she needs to be told to call police if he comes banging on door etc.

but then tehre is issue of contact between him and dc. she needs to have reported something to police. as a record.

skidd Fri 01-Mar-13 21:12:39

Thanks all, things seem to have calmed down thankfully. He has left (staying in a different city), has said he accepts it's over and she says she feels safe. She has also told her DC it's over which is obviously a massive step. I'm just keeping in regular contact and hoping things stay calm. She has arranged for him to see DC tomorrow though so I guess that is potentially dangerous - will see if I can go over while he's there.
Thanks again for all the helpful advice.

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