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Old boyfriend wants to try again

(48 Posts)
SpeckledBird Wed 27-Feb-13 16:59:08

NCer for this thread smile

I bumped into an old boyfriend a few months and we've been spending time together as friends before any of you get any ideas. We still get on really well, and there's definitely a spark between us. ExB gets on really well with DS and it's been really nice having him around again.

The problem is, ExB wants us to try again. I would love to, but it ended really badly last time around (nothing nasty, just lots of heartache on both sides) and I don't want to risk that. Also, if we were to split up, I'd be losing him as a friend, and he's just too important for me to lose him from my life now he's back in it.

ExH (very amicable split 5 years ago, I've not been involved with anyone since) has met ExB, likes him and has told me he thinks I should take a chance, telling me that he knows ExB was the great love of my life.

Should I risk it? Would we be trying to recreate something that ended years ago?

SpeckledBird Sun 03-Mar-13 21:25:53

Without going into the details Quint, it was members of my highly dysfunctional and toxic family who spoke to him all those years ago. And in the best traditions of manipulative bastards, they told him lies with enough truth thrown in to make it sound plausible. That doesn't excuse what he did of course, I've told him he was a tosser many times and he fully accepts that. We have talked about it a lot - in fact the first time we bumped into each other ended with me shouting at him and telling him to fuck off in front of a lot of people blush But he didn't, because he wanted to apologise and try to put things right between us.

We are going to take things very, very slowly, not just for me to feel sure but also because of DS who is the most important person in all of this.

OverlyYappy Sun 03-Mar-13 13:33:59

Thanks! grin I've been quite good since December, woke up in a proper stop today feeling sorry for self, MN never the best place to go when you feel like that.

PureQuintessence Sun 03-Mar-13 12:06:28

Thats ok, I do it all the time! grin

OverlyYappy Sun 03-Mar-13 12:04:00

No, reading back I agree they should talk over him leaving her a bit more thb.

Hopefully that will come. I am genuinely sorry at how I came across, must learn to wake fully before opening laptop screen smile

PureQuintessence Sun 03-Mar-13 12:00:52

The ops story came out in drips and drabs, and only towards the end did she say WHAT he did. I think that was quite significant, it was not just a childish and immature young and silly breakup. It was a man who walked out, after hearing people badmouthing his partner, and rather than standing up for her, or asking her what happened, he walked out and refused to talk. I dont think this was a silly youth thing at all! Especially not past teenage years!

PureQuintessence Sun 03-Mar-13 11:58:31

and I told her to be careful and talk to him about what happened then. Not sure why that should have been censored.

Anyway. smile

OverlyYappy Sun 03-Mar-13 11:17:45

No memo Quint, the OP has told him she is going to try again.

That is all I was saying, another way would have been:

It's a bit late now, she has told him and they are going out again today after their date last night.

Sorry I may be a bit snippy today but didn't mean to be rude to you.

PureQuintessence Sun 03-Mar-13 09:22:28

You dont have to be snippy overly, nor rude. I did not know you had decided opinions were no longer sought, I must have missed that memo!

crushedintherush Sun 03-Mar-13 09:21:30

Aw, just found this postsmile

Hope it works out for you this time around, speckled. I think somebody somewhere mentioned taking it slowly? I agree.

Let us know how it pans outthanks

OverlyYappy Sun 03-Mar-13 09:16:15

Sorry Quint I didn't realise you knew the OP and her situation so well and she was to wait on your advice, then follow it, sorry.

It looks like she had a lovely time anyway. Glad it went well OP

PureQuintessence Sun 03-Mar-13 09:06:13

Just be careful. "he was early twenties"
That was not really very young. He behaved appallingly. Walking out on you when you were living together, believing rumors rather than you, and then refusing to let you explain. Stonewalling you?

To be honest, you need to talk about him about what happened then. And get reassurance that this wont happen again. I personally think this is quite a biggie, and I would not try again. I would not touch with a bargepole! But too late for that as you have let the romantic notions of strangers on the internet sway you, even if they dont know the full story....

Chigley1 Sun 03-Mar-13 08:59:12

How lovely, that's great news!

Exactly the same happened to me, been married 10 years now! smile

SpeckledBird Sun 03-Mar-13 07:58:21


Err, ok, well... We had a lovely evening at nice foodie pub, despite me sweating lots and burbling on about nothing for most of the evening. When it was time to leave I still hadn't said anything and was mentally facepalming myself for it. So he walked me home, I asked him in for a drink and dragged the conversation round to our previous relationship in a 'Do you remember the time when...?' type stylee... And we chatted about that for a bit...

And then he said how much he'd missed me. I said I'd missed him too, but maybe we didn't need to miss each other so much in the future? And he totally didn't understand what I was saying at all so that went well. I had to leave the room to refresh our glasses and give myself a stern talking to and when I came back in I just blurted out in the most direct and unromantic manner that yes, we should try again.

His face! God, I want to replay the moment when he realised what I was saying for ever and ever and ever and ever... We snogged lots, and cuddled on the sofa and then fell asleep. Luckily I woke up first, so I was able to go to the loo and wipe the crusty dribble off my chin (saliva, I know how your minds work) before I woke him up. He's just left, but we're going to go for a walk in the countryside this afternoon before lovely exH brings DS back.

I love you Mumsnetters. I bloody love you. thanks

elfycat Sat 02-Mar-13 22:31:14

<refreshes between crochet rows>

looks like I need to live vicariously huh?

BOF Sat 02-Mar-13 21:50:14

<clicks Watch> grin

SpeckledBird Sat 02-Mar-13 21:47:28

He's gone to the loo now. Still not talked. But lots of loveliness. And yes, BOF, exH is vair lovely - thoroughly decent chap, brilliant dad, just not the man for me, he has happily remarried. Right, I WILL DO THIS. I WILL. And I promise to update!

thegreylady Sat 02-Mar-13 21:34:45

This one sounds right you know smile

PeppaFuckingPig Sat 02-Mar-13 21:31:57

Ooooh, so glad i checked in here, being a nosy bitch and all.
Hope all goes well tonight!

(...and be sure to update wink)

rubyrubyruby Sat 02-Mar-13 21:14:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BOF Sat 02-Mar-13 21:13:07

(And your ex-husband sounds like a nice chap!)

BOF Sat 02-Mar-13 21:12:27

Good luck!

SpeckledBird Sat 02-Mar-13 21:09:44

I am in the toilets of nice foodie pub. He is being lovely. I am taking a breather to get my head together and introduce the idea of us trying again. Really bloody nervous! WAHHH!

SpeckledBird Fri 01-Mar-13 22:39:56

Crikey Overly. I think you should try it though wink

Walkacross I think maybe it's because the old flame reminds you of who you once were, before children, before adulthood. And although you can't go back, it's like a wake up call - you were once a person in your own right, not just an extension of your kids. That's how I feel, anyway. It's like he knows the real me, from way back, but also me as I am now, and he likes both parts.

Waah! Going out for dinner with ExB tomorrow night. I'm not sure what will happen, but thankyouthankyouthankyou for telling me what I should have known.

OverlyYappy Fri 01-Mar-13 09:59:52

I had one re-appeared via me stalking on facebook It was strange, it was 20 years ago for us too, he looked very old. grin It was nice to see him again though. Too many problems for us, we both have stalking ex's he has died once, and re-learnt how to walk/talk/eat etc I have been in abusive relationship and have PTSD and we have 5 Dc between us, so it's too messy, I may look him up again in another few years though.

Best of luck OP.

Walkacrossthesand Fri 01-Mar-13 02:16:12

IME (observed, not personal), relationships that ran aground when the protagonists were young, seem very often to be successful when there's an opportunity to try again years down the line. As a longterm singleton post-divorce, I only wish I had an old flame to re-appear like everyone else I exaggerate seems to - sigh!

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