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(59 Posts)
xxdriftwoodxx Wed 27-Feb-13 13:56:45

I have been married for 18 years, I would say the world thinks my husband is a lovely caring man who will do anything for anyone including myself and our children.
5 years ago I thought something was odd after I heard from my son that his dad had a new mobile phone which he only brought out while I was at work and when I asked my hubby about it he denied it until I caught him pulling out from his sock one day. He assured me it was harmless and with doubt and no proof I plodded on.
A month later I found out after he had a motor bike holiday "alone" he had actual been away with a lady and another couple , as friends. Again I had no proof, we did split up for short periods but I couldn't get my head round his denials and him bring this nice bloke made things more difficult to make the break properly though my heart lived in Limbo.
A friend told me that on one of our separations my husband approached her on , I felt I couldn't say anything as we had broken up then. After then I regularly checked the history of our PC and came up a few times until 2 years ago I found proof he had joined claiming he was single at the same time I found old blogs he had written on a forum discussing the motor bike holiday he went on with "friends" describing the person he went with 5 years ago as his girlfriend.
Here I was faced with 2 things, hubby had joined a dating site and I had also stumbled on old posts he had written a few years before describing his girlfriend to the world when he was married and sleeping with me,,,,,, at the same time as I stumbled over these two different betrayals of trust I was waiting to have a Byopsy on a tumour. I wrote my hubby a letter after I got the all clear telling him what I knew and he came up with all sorts of excuses, it was an old account, the forum blogs were jokes, I didn't know what to believe.
Last year came up in an old joint email , he joined again but no activity to go by, that was Aug 12.
Today I am mixed up, I tend not to stew over what happened but I just can't trust him and u find I can't move on properly with my life and because its all in the past I feel I have no right to be so selfish feeling betrayed and not trusting my hubby,, he lies about money too and after u pay off his overdraft if £1,500 he builds it up in no time at all and if u mention it I look like the nagging wife..... Are there other women in the same boat , how did you cope and what did you do??
Am I just holding on to the past betrayals or am I right not to trust him after so many betrayal ?

xxdriftwoodxx Tue 05-Mar-13 08:28:57

The deed of trust was drawn up when my now husband and I bought our first house together , sorry but what dies DC stand for .
My other thought is my H pays into a pension which he will draw in 15 years, how is my share if we divorce calculated, at the amount invested now or calculated by the monthly pension expected at retirement? The solicitor I visited told me the monthly pension amount is multiplied by average 10 yrs, divided by half and that half is my entitlement and can be offset against his share of the house? Has anyone else offset their husbands pension and how did it work out? Xx

izzyizin Mon 04-Mar-13 22:13:18

The deed of trust you've mentoned will, of course, be taken into account in any divorce proceedings.

If it was drawn up before you had dc or you had additional dc after, I'm reasonably confident that you will have claim on his 25% of the net proceeds.

If you have reason to believe you may be entitled to legal aid, DON'T DELAY - book an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law ASAP as this entitlement will no longer be available after the end of this month.

Many solicitors offer a free half an hour initial consultation which should be more than enough to give you an idea of what you can confidently expect by way of financial settlement/child support etc.

If you can't source recommendations from friends/family, locate your nearest Women's Aid branch here and give them a call during usual office hours to ask them to recommend solicitors in your area.

cjel Mon 04-Mar-13 21:55:01

I'm afraid I don't have an answer but would urge you to get solicitor who does 1st consult free to check it over, if you are considering these things its time to at least know what your options are.

xxdriftwoodxx Mon 04-Mar-13 11:34:53

I would like to know if a deed of trust drawn up at the time we purchased our house has any value when getting divorced ? The deed of trust was set up in my favour as 75% of net proceeds go to me and 25% go to H, as our first home was bought with Money from the sale of My home I shared with my late husband and the remainder by joint mortgage?
I was wondering if it still stands in divorce, I am guessing not knowing my luck as this would make a difference to wether I am stuck here or not!!

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 01-Mar-13 22:44:57

Have a look at this link:

Diagonally Fri 01-Mar-13 21:23:41

You would probably be entitled to some benefits then...have you considered looking into that?

And if you are thinking about the idea of separating, take no notice of any stupid threats your H makes regarding money, maintenance, pensions etc.

Many solicitors offer free half hour appointments where you could get a rough idea of where you would stand if you were to divorce.

cjel Fri 01-Mar-13 21:21:13

IMO finance is not a good enough reason to stay. You are worth a load more than this man. He might want to make it difficult for you but thats all it would be, difficult, he couldn't change the legalities of it. You will have a tough time sorting it all out, but it soundslike you are having a tough time now any way?

xxdriftwoodxx Fri 01-Mar-13 20:46:56

Hi, if we split the house 50/50 noir won't buy a house or anything . Yes I do work nights but not enough to pay rent and bills x

Diagonally Fri 01-Mar-13 18:37:43

Oh and you have every right to end a relationship at any time you like.

NO-ONE who has read your posts below would judge you unreasonable for ending this marriage right now. No-one.

Diagonally Fri 01-Mar-13 18:33:20

It's interesting you have said to him that you think he is looking for your replacement.

I don't think he's looking for that at all. He doesn't want to leave you, he just wants to have other women on the side, which I suspect he has done and will continue to do for the entirety of your relationship.

That's why he's nice to you - he wants you because you come in the package with the big house, home comforts, you enable his spending habits, etc, and he also wants his dates and dalliances with girlfriends and hook-ups as well.

Driftwood, if you split the equity in your home 50/50, could you afford to buy your own place? Not sure if you said whether you work?

His debts and the fact that he spends his free cash on alcohol are frankly not your problem. I would say he gave away all rights to your financial committment to him when he decided not to be physically or emotionally committed to you.

xxdriftwoodxx Fri 01-Mar-13 17:30:31

All credit cards still maxed out and two loans , he has £17000 of debt in his name only. He pays the mortgage too I pay other bills.
He has so much debt he only has £ 200 left out of his salary which he spends on wine each night, meaning he can't afford to move any where either, that's why he would make it difficult for me and especially since I have left it a while and act all nice to him, he will think I am being totally unreasonable !!

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 01-Mar-13 17:16:13

He is the one who is destroying his marriage - not you.

He made the choice to cheat and to lie - not you.

You deserve far more than this.

Abitwobblynow Fri 01-Mar-13 17:00:29

Are all those debts and maxed out cards paid off now?

Where does his salary go? Who pays the mortgage?

Lueji Fri 01-Mar-13 16:14:47

And you don't have to be lonely forever.

Lots of divorced women remarry, or move on to better relationships.

Not that you need a man to be happy. wink

Lueji Fri 01-Mar-13 16:12:40

* living a lonely life on my own while he lives happily ever after*

You know it doesn't have to be like that and it's not likely to.

On average, non-married women are happier and live longer than married women, whilst non-married men perform worse than married men.

Chances are your worst fears will actually be in reverse. smile

(I know I'm much better than with ex, even though I am living alone with one DS)

bluebell8782 Fri 01-Mar-13 16:11:56

You're not pathetic - your self-worth and confidence is rock bottom. It is easy for us to say what you should be doing but totally different on the other side, however, do consider the age-old 'what advise would you give your son, best-friend, sister etc if they relayed this information about their partner?' The 'nice guy', in my opinion, is not real.

What he does if you break up is not your concern. Where he lives, his job, his family - all his problem. He wasn't worried about you, your feelings or reactions when he cheated. You need to be concerned with yourself and your son. What about benefits? Friends or family that can help you? You have to get the picture out of your head that he'll swan off enjoying life - he may act that way but he almost certainly will not be happy. He is a good actor.

You have to make the decision for yourself. What do you get out of this relationship that is fullfilling and satisfying? Are you really happy being with someone who pretends to be nice? Really stop and think about you as an individual, if you are not happy with your life and the one person who is supposed to understand and be a rock is the one that is causing the anxiety, upset etc, it is time for something to change.

cjel Fri 01-Mar-13 16:08:51

Not pathetic , just EA and your fear of the unknown holds you back. It may be a good plan to get legal advice about what you will and will not have so at least the threats he is making about your financial position will be just threats. As for his family, I was once told that I should not be afraid of peoples scorn, if the truth is different. My Ex told his OW that it had been hard for him living with my depression and moods, she told him I was Bi polar. He omitted to tell her it was the rape, violence and EA that made me depressed. I hold my head up knowing the truth, If anyone believes him thats their problem, people who care for me and I care about know the truth. They matter.Don't let those sort of thought cloud your choices.The truth comes out and how I've blossomed since I left and hes a mess says it all.

xxdriftwoodxx Fri 01-Mar-13 15:37:33

I am scared to make the wrong decision which is why I came on here .
When we broke up after he went in holiday with the lady, his family were all up in arms about how unreasonable I was being throwing him out, we'll he chose to leave. His teenage kids couldn't visit as he didn't have spare room, he nearly lost his job because he was so upset and in the end he became suicidal. You see they all only saw the nice guy, no one new why we separated and they all thought I was mean and cruel. U believe he did tell his mum that he had met someone but it only lasted a few weeks , she thought I was unreasonable to destroy my marriage over a women he had only known for a couple of weeks.
When we split last time, he told me he would leave me with nothing and make himself unemployed so he could keep a big part if the house, I would have no claim on his pension and basically be homeless, yes the nasty guy did show his face when we broke.
I broke , I saw no way our and I took him back and my skin crawled with shame at the same time.
Since then I taught myself to see what other people see as he is an easy bloke to get on with but I find myself looking at him wondering and feeling trapped and scared that I will be the one doing the right thing but ending up homeless while he swans off enjoying life, I feel I am on a mo win situation! Pathetic I know ?? X

AnyFucker Fri 01-Mar-13 13:41:23

So, it is clear he is a serial philanderer who likes the thrill of the chase

So tell him you now have an open relationship. Put yourself on a dating website. See other men, go on holiday with other men. Fuck other men

What's good for him....why not make this equally open to you ?

He cannot object, surely ?

xxdriftwoodxx Fri 01-Mar-13 13:39:53

I really don't know, obviously I wanted my life with him, the nice person that he is on a daily basis But I can't live with the secret side of him......... That's why I am so torn, I know he won't change .......think you are right, I am scared of the consequences, living a lonely life on my own while he lives happily ever after....................if I could , I would leave but I know I cannot financially even afford to live on my own by that I mean rent and basic bills.x

cjel Fri 01-Mar-13 11:48:04

If he really is as nice as you say and makes you feel like only woman on the planet can you live with what hes done as if its a bad habit like snoring? I am not saying you should!! My mother in law lived for over 40 yrs knowing her (D?)H had long term affairs and even another child, she decided she liked what she had too much to give it up!
I couldn't do it and know that I'd be better off alone than living like that but as I say there was something in your posts that made me think you don't want your relationship to break. I'm not sure you could because otherwise you wouldn't have posted but just wanted to ask you .x

bluebell8782 Fri 01-Mar-13 10:56:20

Do you know what - I'd not be at all surprised if you are - it would almost be expected! YOU know he's lied/lying - HE knows he's lied/lying.

You've got yourself caught up in a mental round-about and he's driving. You are in this situation because of him. Yes, perhaps you could have handled things differently but ultimately he is the one who has done these things and you BOTH know he has. He thinks he is superior in your relationship and he thinks he can throw you some crumbs of support and love to keep you satisfied.

I know it's not always easy logistically and emotionally but honestly love, HE is ultimately the one that has caused this and is still not accepting any responsibility for it. This is not how a good loving relationship should be - I would say you would be far better off emotionally and mentally on your own than with him - no matter how hard the practicalities.

xxdriftwoodxx Fri 01-Mar-13 10:07:56

That's what I am trying to work out Bluebell, am I wollowing in self pity, that's what my H thinks, and I feel that's what I am doing, yet deep down I know he will be on a dating site again as so far he has been on every year for the past 5 years that I know of.
I feel I am living in the past but the other side of me expects him to be up to something.
It's true we all have different expectations of happiness, am I just will owing in self pity???

bluebell8782 Fri 01-Mar-13 09:48:06

My love, you could be 30 years down the line and only just discover he had joined a dating site years previously - you would still be in your perfect rights to get rid. Just because time has passed doesn't erase what he had done/is doing. He hasn't apologised and he hasn't accepted anything.

We all have different expectations of love, but this is not love. Even if he does have valid reasons for everything, the fact is you are unhappy - that is good enough reason to get yourself out of this and get happy again. We only have one life.

sweetfluffybunnies Fri 01-Mar-13 09:27:39

OP you seem to be constantly questioning whether you are right to feel the way you feel. But of course you are right, your feelings are completely valid and you shouldn't feel guilty. You either trust your husband or you don't, it's not a matter of choice. And you don't trust him because he has shown himself to be untrustworthy.

It doesn't matter that these things happened years ago. It is only now that you are starting to find that you can't forgive and forget. If he truly loved you and valued your relationship he would be grovelling on his knees, trying to make things right. Instead he is belittling your feelings and abusing you financially.

I have no advice as such, just an observation that your marriage is not making you happy, and this is not likely to change. Surely you are worth more than this?

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