Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can anyone explain my ex to me. Is violence normal with a passive aggressive?

(40 Posts)
VictorTango Tue 26-Feb-13 14:33:41

I just can't understand him and it's so confusing. I was with him 13yrs. I shuld know him by now. But I really would live to hear what others think. Please bear with me. What I need really I guess, is advice on how to deal with him because he still gets inside my head and can instantly turn my day or even whole weekend into a disaster just by a txt or couple of phonecalls. It's not that I still love him. He just knows how to push my buttons.

This is a bit of a rambly thread, sorry, but I need to work him out so I can finally understand how things I blame myself for were not my fault. That his behaviour was unreasonable.

He had me convinced for so long. I'm not sure I even know myself any more. I feel so drained.

I have to still have contact with him because of the dc and, now we have split I can see his behaviour more clearly. But it still affects me - too much.

I think he's passive aggressive because he can't ever say how he is feeling. I am very straightforward. He knows how I am feeling because I tell him. He seems to find this impossible and would rather:

1. sulk.

2. Plays games eg if he was in a mood he would try and mess something up for me (make me late for work by not having children on time etc).

3. Agree to everything but use his tone of voice to show he doesn't want to do it (he has various ways of saying 'yes' which, after 13 years I can tell what he really trying to say) It was exhausting to live with.

4. Switch everything around. For a long time I was convinced most things that went wrong were my fault. This happens even more now we have split, absolutely everything that doesn't work out for him, is my fault.

5. He can never accept responsibility for his actions. Nothing in this world will ever be his fault and he will always be a victim. We split because he threatened my life with a knife, but this is my fault apparently.

6. He is very sly. He would lie about everything from money to my possessions. My things would go missing and he would say that I should be more careful and shout at me for being careless. But then one day, I went through the bin, thinking I had thrown my hairbrush in the bin by mistake, and I found my make up and my brush in the bin. He said the dc must have done it. He also ran up lots of debt that I knew nothing about because he wanted complete control over the finanaces (he told me I was too much of an impulse spender to be trusted with the money) and then when I found out about the debt he said it was because I took 9 months maternity leave (which I only did because he said we could afford it)

7. Will lie about everything. There is nothing he wouldn't lie about.

I am also confused by the violence, I didn't think passive aggressive people were violent. I thought it was the opposite. They avoided confrontation. But I think he feels that if he isn't getting a response to his PA behaviour (I did learn some tricks on how to deal with it over the years) he would then resort to violence. But the violence was always by fault. I provoked him.

Right you are now all wondering why I was with him. He has everyone (inc himself) convinced he is a lovely kind man. Who is just a victim. He believes one day his luck will change with no understanding why he is in the position he is in. He just feels sorry for himself.

How do I deal with him now we are split? How do I stop him getting in my head? What are the best ways in dealing with PA people?

VictorTango Tue 26-Feb-13 17:51:49

I'm not sure I threw it at him like a bomb. I asked him if he thought a contact centre would be a better long term arrangement than what we have now as the children need structure and routine.

I'm not trying to cause drama.

I'm trying to remove his influence on my life and make it as painless as possible for the dc.

kalidanger Tue 26-Feb-13 17:57:33

It was a bomb, and it will start an argument. I assume he doesn't know what a contact centre does either? It sounds pretty heavy and like a weapon. If you'd found out about it first and presented him with "Not good for DCs or me to come to house. Contact centre instead. It's here, it works like this etc" that might have not started the massive fucking row that you're so worried about.

You see what I'm saying?

foolonthehill Tue 26-Feb-13 19:34:43

Your ex is my STBX cloned.
Emotionally and verbally abusive and occasionally violent.
No boundaries around the children
and it's all about HIM...always.

you've had great advice on this thread. I stopped physical contact in the end with the children's DF and instigated Skype. This has worked OK and has given the DC the time and space they need to heal. And when he does not turn up they know exactly whose fault it is. One year on he is unhappy threatening all sorts re contact and I have instigated Divorce proceedings. I half wish they were established at a contact centre already as I think court would preserve this arrangement but not sure about my alternative solution.

I know that it is very hard to get these men out of our heads (I still mentally check his reaction to lots of things even though he left the family home 17 months ago) but I hope and pray that you can find the space and clarity to detach and live your life as well as enabling your children.

Good luck OP

VictorTango Tue 26-Feb-13 20:18:36

Kali there is no way in this world I could have stood stood in front of him and presented him with leaflets about a contact centre and then gone onto have a rational discussion with him then. I can't list the amount if ways that would of gone very wrong.

And if he doesn't know what a contact centre is, he is perfectly capable of opening up google on his smartphone and finding out.

Foolonthehill - I know exactly what you mean about mentally checking his reaction. I still do that.

kalidanger Tue 26-Feb-13 20:22:34

You could have emailed them to him... Argh, I'm sorry - I don't really understand how hard it is and Fool has made it clearer.

Good luck thanks

Lueji Tue 26-Feb-13 20:23:32

Ignore him, particularly abusive stuff, and apart from important stuff,
Avoid non-written contact.
Do not meet in private.

That's what I mostly do with my ex.

Lueji Tue 26-Feb-13 20:30:46

Do tell him it's a contact centre or he finds somewhere else.
Not your home!

It's your choice and your call. Let him kick and scream.

Only accept set days, or what you consider fair warning of changes

And no shows should be treated seriously.

I had to start being

SolidGoldBrass Tue 26-Feb-13 21:54:17

Remember that you do not need this fuckwit's permission to do anything and that his opinion of you doesn't matter. He's a silly, nasty, pathetic little man and there will come a time when both you and the children regard him with nothing more than mildly amused, mild contempt.

As far as the law is concerned, unless there is strong evidence of him being a danger to them, he will be allowed to see his DC BUT that doesn't mean he is allowed to see you, or have any contact with you at all that you do not want. You can insist that all arrangements are made by email and that you will not discuss anything else with him in these emails - and then ignore all phone calls and texts and do not open the door to him if he turns up at your house unexpectedly. You can call the police if he arrives and won't go away or causes a disturbance.
You do not ever have to let him into your house; if his current home is not suitable for the DC it is his responsibility to take them somewhere (park, softplay, cafe, museum, whatever). Contact centre is fair enough and you can, if you would prefer, get someone else to take them there and collect them so that you do not have to see this stupid man at all. The only requirement you have to fulfill is to make sure that the DC are at the contact centre at the agreed time.

If you haven't already done so, talk to a solicitor and set the CSA on him. Remember that if he doesn't like it, tough shit: it's his own fault for being an arsehole.
Best of luck, you will get through this.

VictorTango Tue 26-Feb-13 22:13:09

I tried talking to a solicitor about legal aid but they never phoned back. And I never chased. I need to sort that out don't I.

I've tried googling to find out what would happen in a divorce. But I can't seem to find anything out.

He pays for the dc each week but contributes nothing towards the mortgage. It's really hard to know what to do for the best regarding the house.

foolonthehill Tue 26-Feb-13 22:26:27

You would divorce him for unreasonable behaviour if you are married. Within the divorce you would arrange a financial settlement and contact arrangements for the children. Assuming you are married all assets would be seen as joint and divided. if you remain the main carer for the children the split is likely to be in your favour unless you have far greater earning capacity than him

your best bet is to find a good family law solicitor locally (try via if you can't get a personal recommendation. Many lawyers will give a first consultation free to give you an idea what options are open to you.

I would suggest you buy this book Which Guide to divorce and separation. It enabled me to get a lot further in my free time and probably saved me several hundreds of pounds.

legal aid stops in April so get your skates on if you think you may be eligible.

in the meantime read the Lundy Bancroft book and don't be shy of telling the people you are dealing with that he was/is emotionally/verbally and physically abusive. Don't protect him, protect yourself and your children. And above all things remember that you cannot change him but you can change your circumstances, your responses and your life...all for the better.

You can PM me if you think I can be of any help.

best wishes

VictorTango Tue 26-Feb-13 22:33:48

Thank you foolonthehill and solid for all the advice thanks

Legal Aid stops in April shock. If I register now will I still be eligible for the whole of the divorce? I can't afford a divorce!

I am barely managing as it is.

There is no equity in the house. A shortfall if anything. There is nothing but debt to divide.

The whole thing is a bloody mess.

foolonthehill Tue 26-Feb-13 22:38:58

Actually it may be easier if there is nothing there. Would he walk away do you think and sign the house over to you?

are you getting all the benefits you are entitled to ?
make sure you are on single adult council tax and apply to the council for further relief (equivalent of Housing benefit) if you are on low/no income and have less than £8,000 in the bank

look here to check your benefits.

I am better off without my STBX who, it turns out was very expensive to run. I work, look after children (all primary age).

Don't despair...get all the information then you can decide what to do.

(free up some of the head space he takes up and you'll be amazed how much more energy you have!)

VictorTango Tue 26-Feb-13 22:47:42

I don't know if he would sign the house over. Would the mortgage company let me take on the house.

Life would be a bit easier if his name wasn't on the house.

foolonthehill Wed 27-Feb-13 19:41:10

, mortgage company would most likely give you a m holiday for a few months whilst you get yourself together.
i am not saying it would be easy but they have an interest in keeping the money flowing and won;t want a loss on their books.

foolonthehill Wed 27-Feb-13 19:41:54

As to the Other half....well don;t float the idea to him until you know where you are financially and legally.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: