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Instant and violent dislike of my mums new boyfriend, especially around the children.

(56 Posts)
SundaysGirl Tue 26-Feb-13 10:23:36

My mum has met and moved in with someone very quickly, within six months. When she first met him I was immediately uncomfortable because of the comments she made about him being domineering, wanting things his way, making sure she was aware of his life and how she ought to fit in with it. Since she has been with him she has quickly gone from her usual self to everything being a 'unit', much as you would expect from a long standing married couple.

She has stopped coming over to the town where all her children live, cancels plans and whenever any of us ask her if she wants to do anything her first reaction is 'I need to check what partner is doing first'.

All of this is worrying in of itself and I feel he is very controlling.

However my main issue is my reaction to him around my child and my nieces and nephews. I have had a basic gut reaction of extreme aversion to him, to the point where him picking up my son and cuddling him made me want to leap over the room and hit him.

When I saw him with all the other children my reaction was the same. He spent the first time he met them all focusing almost exclusively on them, asked them all for cuddles and had them all sat on his lap. When I raised this with my mum and said I found it inappropriate to be holding them, cuddling them, resting his hand on the youngest one's bottom and generally forcing hugs on them on the first meeting she said he had raised this himself that evening and was 'worried' the children had all been so 'affectionate' to him, but that 'they came to him'.

My mum is now being pretty forceful in asking us all to visit him at his house with them both there, my sister went and said she felt uncomfortable and that it was similar behaviour.

I am basically refusing to have him anywhere near my son, I cannot explain how strongly my reaction is to him, I feel sick even thinking about him being in the same room as my son and this was my instant reaction and has only got worse and more strong.

Since obviously all his behaviour can be explained away innocently I am in the position of coming across hysterical but I cannot emphasise how strong my feelings are enough on a gut level, and also I have NEVER had this reaction to anyone before. I have been 100% fine with other men my mum has seen over the years and how they are around my son.

So I guess my question is two-fold. Have any of you ever had such a strong reaction like this and what did you do about it? And also what should I do moving forward. She is now getting divorce papers for her current marriage (my step dad) and I fear a swift engagement is on the cards.

Am I massively over reacting?

northlight Tue 26-Feb-13 22:12:26

Any sensible man would not act as he did at a first meeting with children.

On the button, magimedi. If he is a scout leader he will have attended numerous child protection courses and would know that his behaviour was exactly the same as that of an abuser at the grooming stage. Hence his remarks trying to cover this point.

At best he is a common or garden narcissist and, believe me, even if that's all he is you don't want him around your child.

I'm pretty sure your instincts are correct. Look out for your mother if you can but put your child first.

I have to point out that the Scouting Association has very stringent CP policies (because of past failures) and had them before such things were common. But as others have pointed out, abusers have to be caught first.

BeCool Wed 27-Feb-13 10:52:43

Don't mean to be inflammatory so I'm just going to stick to the facts in my experience - the convicted paedophile I was referring to in my post above, was also a Scout Leader (prior to his conviction that is).

northlight Wed 27-Feb-13 17:21:51

And the two I know of through personal contacts were a school teacher and a Sunday school teacher. They go where children are.

However, many men want to work with children in after school clubs etc for wholly laudable reasons. Don't tar them all with the same brush.

deste Wed 27-Feb-13 20:25:35

The convicted paedophile I knew was also a scout leader but he committed suicide before his court case. I am not saying you mothers partner is but it would be a concern to me.

Dromedary Wed 27-Feb-13 20:43:44

I had a BF who was sexually abused by a scout master on scouting camp. I'm afraid that his behaviour plus being a scout master rings alarm bells. I suppose to give him lots of benefit of the doubt he could just be someone who really enjoys being with chilren. Not worth risking though.

HecateWhoopass Wed 27-Feb-13 20:55:06

It is possible that he has targeted your mother in order to gain access to the young children in the family.

It is possible that his motivation is to isolate her and his interest is not in the children.

It's possible that he is just hugely inappropriate with no sinister motivations towards the children.

He may be an out and out arsehole who is abusive to women he is in relationships with.

tbh, I don't think it matters. - well, clearly it MATTERS - your poor mum has hitched her wagon to him! I am just talking about re the children. What matters in that respect is that you really really don't like him and you don't like how he behaves.

I would suggest you tell your mother that you won't be having any contact with him and neither will your sister and you will be keeping the children away because you are deeply uncomfortable with what you see.

I wonder if it would be a good or bad idea to tell her that you intend to have him checked out by the police. I can see that IF he is a danger to children, that may scare him off and he would leg it, perhaps if he has been flagged up before. OTOH, it may cause him to further isolate your mum, if that's his motivation, or he may become abusive.

I'm just thinking 'aloud' with the above. thinking of options and outcomes.

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