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DD dad has disowned her - she's 9

(127 Posts)
onemoredayplease Tue 26-Feb-13 09:38:46

Long story but my ex has disowned our dd (aged 9) he literally sat her down and told her he never wanted to see her again. He also told his wife that she can't have any contact with dd. dd loves her
step mum.

Have tried to support her through this but it's very hard. Step mom wants contact so dd has had contact a couple of times in secret. She saw her yesterday and returned with 2 books and a teddie he has thrown all her other toys. She also told me that step mum had told her that her dad says dd doesn't exist and is not part of his life. She has told dd this before and that ex is being horrible to step mum.

Not sure what to do. Can't change ex and have been trying to maintain contact with step mum but dd was very upset yesterday. Talking about contacting her dad to protect step mum. Feel step mum is treating dd as an adult.

NicknameTaken Fri 01-Mar-13 11:20:34

Sounds like a plan, onemore. Daughter is happy and I feel more in control is a good outcome!

onemoredayplease Thu 28-Feb-13 21:03:08

Thanks all. We have now cut face to face contact with step mum. They will keep in touch by texts and letters because my daughter loves step mum and needs to know that she hasn't walked out on her. This way I can also monitor what is being said and stop negative comments. Daughter is happy and I feel more in control. I am waiting for a friend to recommend an appropriate counsellor for daughter to talk to although daughter keeps telling me that she will talk to me. Thanks all for giving me your thoughts it has helped me find a way through which I feel comfortable with. Daughter is my priority but sometimes it's hard to see a way through.

Domjolly Thu 28-Feb-13 20:54:35

Well i dont slag off my ex i dont need to my ds(13) has made up his own mind 10 years of nothing from my ex despite his pertenal grandfather seeing him every six weeks tells him all he needs to know

I used to shout and scream at my ex to come and see his child the reason why he stopped told me i was nagging him and he should beable to just drop by as and when he has a spare 20 minutes shock

Domjolly Thu 28-Feb-13 20:50:10

She shouldnt be seeing the step mum in "secrect" you should never encourge chikdren to have secrect relationships its out in the open or not at all

Cut all contact and get ds to a councillor ASAP

Mother2many Thu 28-Feb-13 20:27:13

I didn't read everything. As it bothers me that this child is being told things by her stepmum....and some by you. No matter what kind of a guy he is, you should never involve her like she is an adult. Heck, even an adult would have a hard time hearing some of those things.

Secretly? That's just teaching her to be deceptive.

Everything just seems wrong to me.

If your X is indeed refusing to be part of her life, why subject her to the step mum?? To shove it in her face a part of his life he WANTS...but not her?

Sorry.... DD is not being thought of 1st.

She should be in counselling to talk about things. She should not be told the nasty things her father may have said...

You need to protect her. You need to be the adult here.

She will hurt a long time, and may never quite get over it...but I do not agree with what your doing. SORRY

Great post "Oxford* - and SGB smile

Sorry your DS has been let down today Lueji sad
Hope things improve for him with his Dad x

SolidGoldBrass Thu 28-Feb-13 00:31:29

A decent man who is struggling to retain contact after a difficult breakup will behave himself. He will agree to supervised contact, letter-only contact etc with a view to contact being increased later. He will pay maintenance without either having to be forced into it by the CSA or trying to place restrictions on what it is spent ono. He will remain patient if his XW slags him off, because he will be putting the children's needs first. Most of the men you find whining into their pints about 'bitch won't let me see my kids' have been removed from the family home by the police at least once, refused to agree a contact schedule because it gets in the way of football/shagging/drinking, paid little or no maintenance... etc.

I do not have any kind of couple-relationship with my DS' father. We are friendly co-parents and DS sees his dad at least twice a week. DS' father, despite the fact that he's Not My Partner, dropped everything to look after DS when I had to have hospital treatment recently. Not all men are knobs, just some of them.

Lueji Wed 27-Feb-13 21:31:13

Well, sometimes I tell people that ex doesn't contact DS without a warning, like today, when he confirmed he would but he didn't.
Despite emailing me today saying he loves DS so much and wants to take him on holiday.

What has DS (8) done to him since then?
Or even me? (I haven't replied to said emails)

I don't call him names.
I don't need to, because whoever hears about this makes up their own minds.

OxfordBags Wed 27-Feb-13 21:12:46

This is for any apologists out there, but particularly Losing:

Adults choose their behaviour. No-one else, adult or child, is responsible for what behaviour they choose or what course of action they decide upon. Whatever they say or do is 100% their responsibility, and, if it has a negative effect, they are 100% to blame.

Whatever a parent does or say to the other parent cannot force them to disown a child, to walk away from them. Nothing that anyone else in the whole wide world can make them do that. Only they CHOOSE to make that decision.

Even if a parent was pushed to the very edge of their limits by another person, to tell a child you are disowning them (and for such trivial reasons such as not sharing his interests - colossal narcissist, much?!) just destroys them and it is an entirely selfish, egotistical, despicable act that naturally disgusts any normal person. Only a deeply disturbed, terrifyingly self-obsessed cunt without an ounce of even the most basic empathy, caring and understanding could choose such behaviour.

Oh, yes, and trying to blame someone for another person's failings instantly makes your participation into any normal, rational, decent discussion null and void, because not only is it plain old nasty and wrong, it is the argument style of a small child and such a person is clearly incapable of conversing about the adult world in any meaningful way.

SconeInSixtySeconds Wed 27-Feb-13 20:33:52

Ooh, I was deleted, that's a cherry popped.

The concept that every woman makes their children avoid contact is as ludicrous as the concept that every man pays more than their csa minimum.

The best parents think of the children like the adults they are supposed to be.

Onemoreday I hope that your dd is ok, counselling seems a really worthwhile idea.

Ginebra Wed 27-Feb-13 20:31:39

My x is at fault! but I try to AVOID using language such as 'he is a bastard' etc although I do discuss with my friends that he doesn't contribute financially and other issues that would be on my mind. I'm not comfortable calling him names. His behaviour paints the picture. And, I don't want people judging us or thinking less of the children because their father isn't more involved.

pookamoo Wed 27-Feb-13 20:29:27

As Losing would say, "I rest my case" ^^ wink

i.e. the posters above all have perfectly fine relationships with their exes...

ImperialBlether Wed 27-Feb-13 20:28:41

OP, do you think your new partner will be a lifelong relationship? Are you planning to marry? Just thinking that I'd be looking at having her adopted.

pookamoo Wed 27-Feb-13 20:27:56

I have several friends who are single mums. None of them says a bad word about their ex, certainly no more than my happily married friends say about their DHs! In their cases, (teh single mums) their relationships didn't work out. Sad, but nobody especially "at fault". They co-parent their children and work together to help them grow up with stable role models.

So not "all" single mums are bashing their exes, as losing says. Far from it.

I have a feeling that Losing is not looking at a particularly wide sample of society...

OP I think those suggesting counselling definitely have a good point. You might even consider some for yourself, I don't really know how it works tbh, but it might help you with providing support for your DD now and in the future.

NicholasTeakozy Wed 27-Feb-13 20:27:32

Every single mother i know slags off their ex

My XW, the mother of my children, does not slag me off. Having seen her the other day and shared pints with her and DD2 I know this. The bloke she dumped me for slags me off, but then again she's dumped him too 'cos he's a psychopath. She doesn't slag him off either, despite the fact he regularly beat her up, stole from her, cheated on her and lied to her.

The reason she doesn't is that she's a good person. Just like I am. Just like the OP is. Just like you don't seem like.

I know I shouldn't feed the troll but I strongly disagree with this sweeping generalisation: 'Every single mother i know slags off their ex, hes a bastard, hes a twat, he never sees the kids etc etc etc.'

I have a very good co parenting relationship with my ExH. He left me for the OW 3 years ago and I go out of my my way to ensure he see's them often and I speak well of him to the DCs always.

Maybe as we get along with our ex's and therefore do not start threads in relationships about it, you think every single mother slags off their ex off. But it's not the case, we do exist!

However the relationships topic was a Godsend to me when my marriage collapsed under my old nickname and I do give advice on there still when I have time. I lurk these days but I'm afraid your comments are seriously getting to me now.

You need to stop generalising and projecting.

As for OP I'm so sorry, your poor DD. I agree with counselling suggestions sad

MatureUniStudent Wed 27-Feb-13 19:45:37

Oh and OP, having read that, in no way do I mean you are a less than perfect mother! Those that do most of the childcare, man or woman, are heroic to me!

MatureUniStudent Wed 27-Feb-13 19:44:45

As I said before the OP's ex could go to court to ensure his rights to a stable and loving relationship with his DC are not arbitrarily dismissed by the OP. But it is somewhat telling that he has cut all contact, and NOT gone to court to sort this out.

I think children need their mothers and fathers, even less then perfect mothers and fathers but when you are faced with a parent who is steadfast in his refusal to see his DC or engage with her - how on earth can you still turn and blame the other parent?

Sailormercury Wed 27-Feb-13 19:33:40

Projecting much, Losing?

ChasedByBees Wed 27-Feb-13 19:30:15

Losing - you seem to be making up an entirely different OP to respond to and you're making yourself sound like an arse. How can there be an other side of the story to:

* someone telling his child they don't want to see them
* the step mother confiding that all her toys have been thrown away and as far as her father is concerned, she no longer exists.

You're defending that? You must be seriously damaged if you think that's defendable.

StephaniePowers Wed 27-Feb-13 19:27:15

Actually quite a few men/people ARE shitheads when relationships are beginning and children are being born. It's farking obvious! (Except to the people involved at the time... sad )

Howgreenismyvalley Wed 27-Feb-13 19:26:37

You are being vile losing and I suspect that tis is a result of your own baggage. Not everyone on MN thinks thier ex is a bastard; mine is a lovely guy and a great dad, we just weren't good together. Don't dump your own baggage on someone hurt and vulnerable - she came on here for support and advice not trolling

MrsTomHardy Wed 27-Feb-13 19:25:59

Thanks Hecate smile

I feel there's no point in justifying anything to the troll so I'm not going to bother.

I will now ignore it!!

beatlegirl Wed 27-Feb-13 19:23:43

Oh, and I'm not a single mom, I'm happily married to a lovely bloke. No axe to grind.

beatlegirl Wed 27-Feb-13 19:22:13

Losing, it sounds like you've had an ex make things difficult for you. Perhaps you're an innocent party, perhaps you're an abusive wanker. I don't know.

What I do know, however, is that your attitude to women on this thread suggests to me that if you have daughters, they're probably better off without you.

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