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DD dad has disowned her - she's 9

(127 Posts)
onemoredayplease Tue 26-Feb-13 09:38:46

Long story but my ex has disowned our dd (aged 9) he literally sat her down and told her he never wanted to see her again. He also told his wife that she can't have any contact with dd. dd loves her
step mum.

Have tried to support her through this but it's very hard. Step mom wants contact so dd has had contact a couple of times in secret. She saw her yesterday and returned with 2 books and a teddie he has thrown all her other toys. She also told me that step mum had told her that her dad says dd doesn't exist and is not part of his life. She has told dd this before and that ex is being horrible to step mum.

Not sure what to do. Can't change ex and have been trying to maintain contact with step mum but dd was very upset yesterday. Talking about contacting her dad to protect step mum. Feel step mum is treating dd as an adult.

squeakytoy Tue 26-Feb-13 11:21:28

I agree with SGB.

I dont think you should allow the stepmum to see your daughter until the SM has severed her relationship with your ex. It isnt fair on a 9 year old child to be a pawn in the middle of all this.

Corygal Tue 26-Feb-13 11:31:14

I agree too with SBG.

Remember that having no parent is miles better for you than having a bad parent, so deal with this horrible situation by realising it's better for DD in the long run.

What a revolting man, incidentally.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Tue 26-Feb-13 11:40:13

I suspect that this awful man is not actually going to do you all the favour of staying out of DD's life. What he wants is control, and yo-yoing between "disowning" her and playing on your and her emotional heartstrings is a brilliant tool for manipulation.

He isn't gone from her life for good, I don't think. More's the pity.

You and she need to have firm boundaries in place: how much contact, and what kind of things ex can say or do to your DD. And when he oversteps those boundaries, all she can do is remove herself from the situation.

So tough for a 9 year old. She really needs to know that she is a fantastic and lovable person, and that her dad is not very nice to her because he is just like that.

StephaniePowers Tue 26-Feb-13 11:40:20

Oh the poor wee mite sad

I agree that it's a shame for the step mum that she's in such a shitty relationship, but it just might not be the best thing to let your dd be involved in that whole scenario. She needs stability more than ever right at the moment and it sounds quite likely that the drama will be very destabilising if she's involved in any way in the breakdown of the stepmum's life.

Totally agree with what SGB has said. I have just realised after god knows how many years that I have a parent who cannot be a parent and it is really liberating. I wish I had had that mantra drummed into me!!

OxfordBags Tue 26-Feb-13 11:52:58

Agree with SGB, as always. Also, Fastidia made an importnat point about the SM not understanding the correct boundaries between adult and child - she is clearly leaningon her too much and also, she should NOT have told her those more hurtful things that her father sperm donor told the SM. She did not need to hear about him saying she does not exist, etc. SM sounds like she's getting too deep into the drama of it all to identify appropriate emotional boundaries.

My heart goes out to your DD, who I'm sure would be the pride and joy of any normal, decent man. I really do think she will need some counselling, ASAP, as this is something that could adversely affect her whole life. Kids need counselling when a parent dies, and this is on a par with that, IMO.

You sound like a great mum; at least she is lucky enough to have one lovely parent.

OxfordBags Tue 26-Feb-13 11:53:41

Sorry, meant Fireside re:discussing boundaries.

Snuppeline Tue 26-Feb-13 11:53:43

I stronlgy agree with the posters who have said to cut contact with SM until she has freed herself from your X. One poster said the dad would most likely try to get back in your dd'sl life again. I therefore think it will be important to have some official record of this incident and the effect it's having on your dd (e.g. Counselling/GP records) to prevent him legally obtaining contact again. If you have any formal contact arrangements in place you should see how you can go about changing them. That way he won't have the opportunity to threaten legal actions should you refuse contact in a years time. Until your dd is old enough to tell him to piss off herself!

Obviously counselling is a good idea anyway for your dd. And perhaps for you also? You must have been through a 'fun' time with this man. Some support for you will also help you support your dd.

Build your dd up with reinforcing the message that her dad is the one with the problem and let her know that she is worth loving just as she is.

Could you try to get some positive experiences in place for your dd? Can you two go away somewhere for Easter? Do something nice with other positive adults/family? Getting your dd away from the toxic relationships she has had to deal with needs to be a priority going forward I think.

I wish you both all the best.

ArbitraryUsername Tue 26-Feb-13 12:03:47

I agree that some kind of 'evidence' of this abusive behaviour (and it is absolutely emotional abuse of your DD) would be useful so that you can ensure your ex gets no further opportunities should he ever claim to have a change of heart.

ThreeTomatoes Tue 26-Feb-13 13:03:50

sheesh. Forget cutting off stepmum 'for a while', if this was my dd she would not be going near either of them ever again angry. I would be showering my dd with love and hugs and telling her that it's her dad's loss and his rejecting her is nothing to do with her.

fergoose Tue 26-Feb-13 13:38:10

Your poor daughter. I agree with maybe keeping her away from stepmum for a while. She will be a constant reminder to your daughter of her feckless father too.

My daughter has been disowned by her own father too. Utterly heartbreaking and cruel doesn't even cover it. All you can do is support her and love her - I tell mine I love her enough for 2 people - also I agree with other posters, his behaviour is all about him and not about the child.

My daughter is 15 so able to rationalise it all a little better maybe. She does say that her father has huge problems, but at low times blames herself for his rejection. I am scared in 5 or 10 years time the damage he has caused will manifest itself. I hope it doesn't. The only silver lining I can see is that my ex is so damaged and such a controlling, abusive bully maybe he is doing us a favour by keeping away from us. Every day my daughter's pain recedes and now she is quite ambivalent towards her father. She can't be bothered to care about him anymore and kind of wants to forget him and get on with her own happy life.

PirateHat Tue 26-Feb-13 13:38:51

Contact Women's Aid as they do counselling/play therapy for children who are part of abusive relationships. They may also be able to advise you about ways to support her.

BruthasTortoise Tue 26-Feb-13 14:08:21

By all means OP remove your DD from all contact with her SM. On a side note its interesting that if an abused woman is a SM she is apparently not afforded the same level of sympathy on Mumsnet as other women. I've never seen it recommended before that all contact with much loved family members should be cut because a woman is in an abusive relationship.

FryOneFatManic Tue 26-Feb-13 14:12:04

I don't see that people are recommending that the DD cuts contact because the lady is the step mum, but rather because she has blurred boundaries and is laying a large burden on the shoulders of the child with the things she is saying to her.

onemoredayplease Tue 26-Feb-13 14:14:05

I'm not worrying because she is a step mum I'm worried because contact with her upsets my dd. she has no contact with her dad but through step mum now knows what horrible things he has been saying. I've tried all I can to support step mum. I have even offered her a bed!

SolidGoldBrass Tue 26-Feb-13 14:14:45

The OP needs to put her DD first, ahead of the SM's needs, that's all.

BruthasTortoise Tue 26-Feb-13 14:15:32

So would a conversation with the SM about appropriate topics not be the first step before cutting contact? The fact that the SM is willing to risk her personal safety to maintain a relationship with her SD would lead me to believe they have a bond.

onemoredayplease Tue 26-Feb-13 14:21:02

Have tried talking to stepmom and asking her to keep things positive around dd. she agrees then doesn't stick to it. I would suspect she has no one else to talk to about it- he monitors her friends and free time.

BruthasTortoise Tue 26-Feb-13 14:29:06

Onemoredayplease, I apologise for the tone of my first post. It's a crappy situation, your ex is a first class prick and of course you should do whatever you feel is necessary to protect your child from any further harm'. I just feel a great deal of sympathy for the SM who is obviously trapped with this abusive man and hope that one day she frees herself and is able to have a relationship with you and your daughter. All the best and I hope your wee girl is ok.

ArbitraryUsername Tue 26-Feb-13 14:30:24

If the stepmom can't interact with your DD (who is only 9) within appropriate boundaries, then she shouldn't have contact with her. That's not being unsympathetic to the stepmum's situation; it's just looking after a child.

The OP can't make the stepmum LTB! Only the stepmum can do that.

Good call onemoreday
Taking a break from the whole situation via no contact sounds good to me.
You can always review things after all.
As can she (SM)
Hopefully she may think again about why she is with Ex.
But this is about DD really, and what is in her best interests x

I agree with the suggestion above that you document what has happened now including what the SM has told your DD. It may be useful to have a record in the future if your ex decides he suddenly likes the idea of having a DD again.

He really is an apology for a human being.

Seems like misogyny starts young regarding your Ex's targets sad

Can't believe anyone would say this to their 9 year old daughter.

Apparently she doesn't share his interests shock angry sad

onemoredayplease Tue 26-Feb-13 18:37:25

I have followed my instincts and told step mum that there will be no face to face contact for a while. I have to email her so no response as yet. I've also had a good talk with dd- she is so much better off without him.

Good decision onemore - I hope we've all helped a bit ? Glad you've had a good talk with DD smile

onemoredayplease Wed 27-Feb-13 14:18:06

Yes lots of help thanks. Have heard from step mum today. She says dd was asking questions she felt she had to answer honestly hence dd got a lot of info. Feel a bit guilty now.

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