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Opinions Please. Something's Not Right.

(43 Posts)
CantShakeThisFeeling Mon 25-Feb-13 21:14:23

I'm a lurker but feel like I need to get this written down and ask for some perspectives as I am really worrying at the moment. I've been with DP for eighteen months, we are both in our early thirties. I love him and we have a lot of fun together but there are a few doubts that are starting to eat away at me.

I recently found out that he has a female friend who he has been keeping a secret from me and I don't know what to think about it. DP and I were sitting on the sofa watching a DVD when he got a text; from where I was sitting I could see his phone and I saw it was from a woman, with a name I didn't recognise. It was a platonic text which basically said: 'Hi, I've spoken to xxx and xxx, they are all up for drinks again soon.' I asked who she was and after much stuttering he admitted she was an old school friend but made a point of saying, 'but I don't really know her very well.' He was very defensive about her and kept saying she was 'a good mate' one minute, to 'she's just an acquaintance.' If he had given me a straight answer then I would have been OK with that but his vague responses gave me a gut feeling that something was wrong. I kept on probing (which I know makes me sound like an insecure loon) but the more I asked, the further he seemed to dig himself into a hole. Like he said he didn't know her name yet they had been friends since the age of 11 and he said the reason he hadn't introduced me to her was, firstly, because he thought I would be suspicious of their friendship (!) and so he didn't tell me about her, then he changed his mind and said it was because she was insignificant and not a 'real friend.' He then admitted he had always thought she was attractive and fancied her then instantly backtracked when he saw my face drop and since then is insistant that I imagined him saying that.

I said I found the situation odd and rather than suggest I meet her or do something to put my mind at rest he just said he would never speak to her again and that was the end of it. Since then he has never mentioned her except for when he is drunk and he will say things like: 'I was going to take you to [name of bar] but I won't because she goes there' and 'I swear I haven't seen her recently' - completely out of the blue statements that don't make any sense. He has now started interrogating me about my male friends and male colleagues even though he has met them all and knows they are no threat to our relationship. I feel like I can't trust him. Even though I don't have any proof he's up to no good I have a sick feeling in my stomach every day but I don't know why.

He is always wanting to know about my past sex life but he refuses to tell me anything about his previous relationships. He always says he can't remember any of their names or anything about them and I don't understand why he would do that. I don't think it is fair that he has to know every aspect of my life before I met him but he won't tell me a thing, he's like a closed book. He can be very rude at times as well, for example, whenever he has met any of my friends he will always comment on their appearance. His critique of my best friend was: 'Not a looker is she?' That's all he said. One of my other friends is 'fat;' another 'isn't very pretty.' He never mentions their personality, it is always what they look like and I find that odd and hurtful.

I feel like he wants me to be kept well away from his social life; I've met all his friends and they know we're in a relationship but in public he is very different from how he is behind closed doors when it's just the two of us. When we've been out to parties or to dinner with his friends and their girlfriends he either has a face like a slapped arse for the whole night or he gets blind drunk. It's as though he likes to pretend that he doesn't give a shit about me yet behind closed doors he can be the most loving man, giving me compliments and saying nice things.

I also met his work colleagues for the first time the other day and most of them didn't have a clue he even had a girlfriend despite the fact we live together! I felt upset by this because DP always tells me that he talks about me constantly at work...clearly not. I've tried talking to him about this but he just tells me I'm too sensitive/paranoid/insecure or his current favourite is telling me that I 'imagine things.' Is he right? Is this all just a totally ridiculous figment of my imagination and our relationship is fine? Or am I shacked up with a bad apple here?! If anyone could give me their opinion I would really appreciate it. Thanks in advance.

Llareggub Mon 25-Feb-13 21:18:31

Honestly, he sounds immature and bit of a twat. But then I am recently divorced so you might get a better perspective from someone else.

Hassled Mon 25-Feb-13 21:23:50

I'd run like the wind if I were you. He may not be doing anything at all with Text Message Woman, but he wants to know that he could if he wanted to - and on some level he wants you to know that as well.

You don't come across as someone who imagines thing - your writing is very clear. Nor do you come across as sensitive or paranoid - insecure, maybe, but then I can't imagine there's a woman in the world who would feel secure faced with all this going on.

kalidanger Mon 25-Feb-13 21:42:28

Llareggub is quite right, divorced or not. She clearly recognised a bad apple, just like you have OP

Charbon Mon 25-Feb-13 21:51:45

You're shacked up with a deeply odious bad apple. The reason he doesn't talk about you or show any affection to you in public is because he wants other people to think he is single, lest he should get lucky. Yet he doesn't really like women at all. Why have you stayed with him for so long? The warning bells have been absolutely deafening!

Thisisaeuphemism Mon 25-Feb-13 21:54:17

What are you doing with this moron?

He sounds terrible. Please get rid of him.

Anna1976 Mon 25-Feb-13 21:56:39

You should listen to those alarm bells ringing very very loudly indeed, and run like the bloody wind. Move out, for a start.

He sounds like two of my exes. No public displays of affection, because each of them was shagging someone else and I turned out to be the "other woman" despite not realising and being told I was "the one". Also, their colleagues didn't know I was in a relationship with them... indeed with twat #1 the colleagues were the ones who dropped him in it, asking him about him and his girlfriend's holiday to south africa, in front of me. I thought he went there on a work field trip.

TurnipCake Mon 25-Feb-13 21:56:44

Your doubts are eating away at you for a reason - because something's not right, and deep down inside, you know it.

He really doesn't sound that nice, you know. I would be very hurt if he spoke about my friends in that way, and the fact that his colleagues seem surprised he has a girlfriend is a little telling if he supposedly talks about you the whole time.

Bottom line is that you've tried talking to him about it, and he gives you the brush off. The only way you can communicate is through your actions.

TurnipCake Mon 25-Feb-13 21:58:06

My ex referred to me (of 6 months at the time) as 'the girl I'm seeing.' Jerk.

Lueji Mon 25-Feb-13 22:02:03

Terrible apple, IMO.

I wouldn't trust him at all.

LineRunner Mon 25-Feb-13 22:06:08

I would dump him.

Diagonally Mon 25-Feb-13 22:10:17

"I have a sick feeling in my stomach every day but I don't know why"

That's your gut speaking, lovely. Listen to it, its trying to protect you smile

He's a very bad apple, and you need to leave him to rot under the tree and move on.

CantShakeThisFeeling Mon 25-Feb-13 22:21:40

Thank you for all the replies, you have all given me a massive wake up call. I am so relieved to hear that I'm not overreacting but I also now feel like a fool of epic proportions for letting someone string me along like this.

I think what really hurts is knowing that he is actively portraying himself as a single man to others while keeping me on the back burner - does that mean that he thinks he could do a lot better than me? I can't help but feel that I'm just not good enough otherwise he'd have no need to behave like this confused

I know this is absolutely nothing compared to what others are going through/have gone through so apologies if I sound weak and self pitying. Think my self esteem has taken a bit of a battering, hence feeling pretty crap about myself!

abbeynationall Mon 25-Feb-13 22:22:33

Sounds like he's saving himself for the text message woman in addition to being a slimeball

izzyizin Mon 25-Feb-13 22:25:03

When we've been out to parties or to dinner with his friends and their girlfriends he either has a face like a slapped arse for the whole night or he gets blind drunk

I could so not be doing with that or any of his other traits which reveal him to be as uncouth as he is deceitful.

You have indeed got yourself a bad apple - one that is not fit for female consumption.

Another vote here for leaving him to rot and I sincerely hope you'll do just that as soon as is practically possible.

Anna1976 Mon 25-Feb-13 22:25:20

It is absolutely NOT the case that you're not good enough. He is a complete twat. I remember feeling like that.

I subsequently discovered there are many people out there who aren't emotionally and sexually incontinent losers that blame others for their own shortcomings. If he thinks you're not good enough for him, then he doesn't understand how to have a relationship.

LineRunner Mon 25-Feb-13 22:26:01

Oh OP you are doing just fine, and you are very smart knowing to ask for advice.

He sounds, in the immortal words of MN, like a cocklodger.

Rowlers Mon 25-Feb-13 22:32:57

This does not sound like a positive relationship to me. Trust your instincts. You know it's not right.

izzyizin Mon 25-Feb-13 22:37:27

There nothing wrong with you, honey, but there's a fuck of a lot wrong with him.

Pleae don't fall into the trap of thinking you're not good enough for a tosser man who's not good enough for you.

And don't listen to any pleas, promises, and other blandishments he may make to get you to change your mind about dumping his sorry arse because he won't mean a word of them.

What will it take to disentangle yourself? Are you both named on a tenancy/mortgage agreement or is the property you share in one of your sole names?

morethanpotatoprints Mon 25-Feb-13 22:38:28

He can't remember the names of his past girlfriends
He is either lying or they didn't mean that much to him so he wasn't bothered.

He acts like you aren't together when you are out
Does he tell his colleagues, mates etc you are a friend who takes him home when he's had too many?

Text friend this is very dubious, even if innocent, he's not being honest.

MarilynValentine Mon 25-Feb-13 22:51:28

Agree with all the previous posters! He sounds dreadful, and you should get out before you waste any more time.

He's deceitful. And his responses to meeting your friends ('not a looker' etc) are unforgivable - superficial and disrespectful to the point of stupidity.

AnyFucker Mon 25-Feb-13 22:55:14

You are not this desperate for a man, are you ?

TurnipCake Mon 25-Feb-13 23:03:17

I think what really hurts is knowing that he is actively portraying himself as a single man to others while keeping me on the back burner - does that mean that he thinks he could do a lot better than me? I can't help but feel that I'm just not good enough otherwise he'd have no need to behave like this

No. No, no, no and no again. I promise it's not you. Whatever messed up stuff he can't deal with that makes him behave like a douche has nothing to do with you.

izzyizin Mon 25-Feb-13 23:06:47

I love him What's to love? His lack of respect for you? His lack of loyalty to you? His lack of social graces?

CantShakeThisFeeling Mon 25-Feb-13 23:42:14

Izzy The tenancy is in his name so it should be straightforward for me to move out.

I am most definitely going to dump his sorry arse; I've been an idiot to stay as long as I have and all of the replies on here have confirmed that. You must all think I'm a complete mug hmm Thank you again for the advice, it is much appreciated.

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