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open relationship

(102 Posts)
pinkpaws Mon 25-Feb-13 19:53:34

Hi just a thought so much drama we all seem to have about being faithful if we could keep are feeling about loving and spending are life with someone and the need to have sex with someone else apart how much less drama would we all have. let me know if anyone agrees.

cronullansw Thu 28-Feb-13 18:43:44

Hey nooka, yes, there has been more than one occasion when I've thought,'thats new! Wonder where that came from....'

And you are right about the same page thing, as I've said before, currently, I'm not playing away from home, nor have I for a few years, but I suspect dp might be..... I'm lucky in that this doesn't bother me unduly, although I can see why it might bother others. As I also said before - no emotional attachments permitted, it's sport sex only. smile

nooka Thu 28-Feb-13 03:38:34

Thanks for the reply nsw, I can quite see how that might happen.

I have a slightly weird plus point of having extra-marital/monogamous sex. My dh had an affair, and obviously that was very shit, but there was one unexpected benefit, he became a much better lover (his OW was a great deal more demanding than me/knew what she liked). So I can see that variations might improve your techniques.

I still think that it's a very risky set up, simply because the chances of being completely on the same page as your partner all the time seem unlikely. But I guess the same thing could be said about any relationship, it just seems less risky with the traditional set up because it's so mainstream.

cronullansw Wed 27-Feb-13 23:46:51

@nooka - I have no idea smile It just kind of became our code phrase. It wasn't planned, we didn't sit down and work out a preferred phrase from a list of possibles.....

And I'd like to add that neither of us have ever brought home an unexpected guest in the form of an STI. Obv thats just down to sheer good luck ;)

HappyTitChick Wed 27-Feb-13 20:09:55

There is such a wide spectrum of human experience with regard to relationships; what it all boils down to is connection, being connected, being understood, being free to be yourself.

HappyTitChick Wed 27-Feb-13 19:57:00

Indeed, AnAirOfHope, I understand your position. But sexuality I believe is a fluid thing and may, or may not, change with time and with circumstance.

I am 18 years into my relationship, 15 years married and for the first time ever feel the need to have sex with someone else. The deep connection I have with DH allows him to have the love and trust to give me the freedom to do so.

AnAirOfHope Wed 27-Feb-13 18:43:02

Im in a monogamist relationship of 8 years and counting, married for 6. So far I have not felt the need to have sex with anyone else but dh.

I understand the missing feeling of new love and the butterflies of having sex with someone new - I had that with my dh, but in the long time I have been with dh my love has grown deeper and I have found that old love is the best, warmedt most satifying type of love for me and the sex is great because I trust my dh and feel safe to explore my sexuality fully with him blush

I feel great about making the commitment to my husband and our sex life. Im happy flirting and fantasing -mostly about my husband.

I dont think I could get the depth of feeling/being with dh if I was having sex with other people. I think insurcuraty and uncertanty would block the path of truly knowing each other. I like to fouce all my energy into the one partnership but its ok with me if people chose to be different than me.

AnyFucker Wed 27-Feb-13 18:09:56

I am a (serial...but the last one has lasted quite a long time) monogamist and I am about the furthest from a "romantic idiot" it is possible to be smile

AnAirOfHope Wed 27-Feb-13 17:04:55

Im a 'romantic idiot' blush

I just like the freedom of choice and maybe in the future marrage may be open for more than just two people in the same way same sex marrage is now ok in law?

In the USA there is thought to be 20k people that pratice poligamy/mormons. Unforntantly its one man with lots of wives, maybe if it was legal it would be more balanced with women with lots of husbands?

TobyLerone Wed 27-Feb-13 16:39:21

To be fair, SGB's 'romantic idiots' could just as easily be polyamorous as monogamous. She didn't specify. So her post is only disrespectful to romantic idiots.

AnAirOfHope Wed 27-Feb-13 16:29:12

Or the people who are polgamist but in fact cheating or think love/comdoms stop STI's.

There is no right or wrong SGB your post can be reversed and is disrespectful.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 27-Feb-13 15:20:10

Actually, Best, the sort of people who catch and spread STIs are more often the romantic idiots who believe that Being In Love is a protection against germs. That and those who are officially monogamous but in fact cheating.

And as TobyL said, most people who have made a conscious choice to avoid monogamy tend to be careful of their own sexual health and that of their partners.

bestsonever Wed 27-Feb-13 12:13:02

They will tell you the more new partners you have the higher the risk, that's just logic. Btw, I'm fine about other moral reasons, i don't have a problem in principle with it if it suits ones way of life, I just think it could be a public health issue.
As long as people accept the risks and do what they can to reduce it, it's their choice to take. I have an issue with denial that there are increased risks at all though.

DadOnIce Wed 27-Feb-13 12:11:27

Aren't some people going to use "monogamy doesn't work for me" as an excuse for having an affair or shagging around? I can imagine a hmm and "well, it seemed to work pretty well for you for the last 15 years" being the reaction.

Dahlen Wed 27-Feb-13 11:56:15

Quite a few STIs can be spread even using a condom. And unless you have a full health screening after every single instance of sex, you won't be completely guaranteed to be disease free.

Obviously you can minimise the risks significantly, but the only true safe sex is solo.

TobyLerone Wed 27-Feb-13 11:55:14

So sexual health clinics can provide statistics to prove the assertion that people in open relationships are responsible for a rise in STIs?

No, thought not.

bestsonever Wed 27-Feb-13 11:52:42

Not an anecdote, ask any sexual health clinic. But people close their eyes if it suits their way not to. It's good to be vigilant, not everyone is

HappyTitChick Wed 27-Feb-13 11:15:31

"My issue with monogamy is the way it is pushed as the only way to live: the insistence that people practice monogamy when it simply doesn't work for a lot of us is actually very damaging." Yes how true, SGB.

TobyLerone Wed 27-Feb-13 10:31:48

Sensible people, monogamous or not, will always make sure that any new partner has regular sexual health checks.

AnAirOfHope Wed 27-Feb-13 10:29:12

Do people really ask the other person for a medical before they have sex? grin

TobyLerone Wed 27-Feb-13 10:22:25

The STIs thing may be a red herring (unless someone can back it up with something better than anecdote). Every poly person I know is fanatical about their own sexual health and that of their partner.

bestsonever Wed 27-Feb-13 10:21:19

'catch a bug and spread' that is.

bestsonever Wed 27-Feb-13 10:20:11

The ideal -'live and let live'. Whatever works. The reality, taking away emotion and being purely practical -an increase in STI's. So you would have to take into account that there is an added health risk to yourself and your beloved.
Condoms not being 100% and how many people really use dental dams without fail in these instances? More than one way to spread a bug and spread a bug. So its a respect yourself, your partner and the rest of the population issue in the end regardless of any other moral right or wrong?

AnAirOfHope Wed 27-Feb-13 10:14:32

But in some cultures having one partner is not the norm only in the west is it the "norm".

There are loads of pros and cons for both none is right or wrong.

But people need to consider the unexpected such as the feelings of the person you are having sex with. I dont see the point of having sex if feelings were not invloved hmm. Unexpected pg or sti and to me having meny lovers just screams drama to me.

The long term I think its just emotionally messy. Even if you have an open relationship it doesnt stop a partner from cheating or leaving or having problems in the prime relationship. If a person is abusive the will be abusive with one ner and others.

TobyLerone Wed 27-Feb-13 10:11:30

I always agree with most of the things you say on this subject, SGB, but you personally, and poly people in general, often come across as though monogamy is a bad/outdated/stupid choice for everyone.

I know a lot of poly people, and was one myself for a fair while, and the attitude that they are more enlightened than the monogamous masses is prevalent, smug, untrue and quite irritating.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 27-Feb-13 09:39:26

I have no objection to consenting adults choosing monogamy. I have no objection to consenting adults choosing to dress up as the Tellytubbies for sexual gratification, either. My issue with monogamy is the way it is pushed as the only way to live: the insistence that people practice monogamy when it simply doesn't work for a lot of us is actually very damaging.

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