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moving on with dh after affair

(93 Posts)
1983mummy Sun 24-Feb-13 18:22:23

hello. I'm new to the forums. for the past year, my oh has been distant. our relationship has been great at times, awful at others. we've been together nearly 11 years.

he has been very private, not wanted sex since august and reluctant to arrange anything in the future. I always dismissed an affair as I didn't think it was my husband's kind of thing and put it down to depression.

well, I finally found out last night he's been having an affair for about a year, by working out the password for his phone. he met her through work and for many months they just talked apparently. then in the summer they slept together. they've had sex no more than 12 times.

thing is, he's admitted that she's been like a counsellor to him. he didn't ask her to move in with him, but didn't not ask her. he said he told her he loved her, but that love was an infatuation thing, rather than a real thing.

he wants to give me space and see if I can forgive him as he doesn't want to leave me.

what do I do? I love this man and even when we had a heart to heart today all I wanted was us to kiss and him to hold me etc.

I don't want to split up, I just want him back. he's truly sorry.

I'm just so shocked x x

Twattergy Mon 25-Feb-13 13:46:49

OK, I see what is happening. After a year of hideous treatment by your husband (basically him emotionally and sexually checking out of his relationship with you) you are so grateful to finally be connecting with him that your joy in that re-connection is minimising the reality of what he has done.
I do truly hope that you can together create a new and better relationship with one another. Particularly as there is a dc involved. I hope that he does want to choose you over her and is able to immediately cease all contact.
You sound lovely and caring and he is very lucky to have you.
But what many of us are warning you about is very important to keep in mind - you can not control his feelings for this other woman. Even if he tells you it is over and he wants you not her, he has still experienced a year long relationship of much depth with someone that isnt you. It was not a 'fling' but something intense and meaningful to them both - of course he won't describe it in that way to you, as he is trying to minimise what he's done.
Your love for each other can do nothing to lessen the reality of what he's done and 'moving on' means both of you coming to terms with what has happened in its full, ugly reality. Best to face up to that now than in years down the line.

Charbon Mon 25-Feb-13 13:56:48

Yes Twattergy I agree entirely withyour assessment and it happens a lot. The combination of appearing to have the 'old husband' back in the room in place of the imposter who's been there for so long, with the illusion of 'honest conversations' is horribly seductive and gets in the way of rational thought. But it's just a phase that will pass and then reality intrudes sometimes with shocking force, generating anger and depression.

I have to wonder why he is the one having child-free time and space when it is you who needs that more OP. You only have his word for it that this relationship is over. He could be telling the OW that he has moved out after all - especially since he has.

skaboy Mon 25-Feb-13 15:27:00

From a guys perspective, I'm surprised he's not begging and pleading for you to forgive him. Now its out in the open surely he will drop his fling if it means the chance of keeping his family.

From the perspective of someone going through the same thing as you, I would try not to see him for a bit and decide what you can cope with. I can't see myself trusting my wife for a long tim and have already beenb making old reaquaintances with friends for a support network if it all goes tits up, buying clothes, exercising more and doing things for me and me only. Even if we get back together I think I'll be in a stronger position mentally.

Its hard being the person who has to forgive, particularly if you're not sure if the other person is actually sorry or not. I guess to sum it up you really need to look out for yourself and your kids

Possiblyoutedled Mon 25-Feb-13 19:07:58

Looking back I think there was a time soon after that I felt desperate to stay together as the alternative was too painful. As time went by though I realised that the marriage I was so desperate to save was not what I'd thought it was anyway and that going it alone would be ultimately less painful in the long run.
I didn't want a future of mistrust and self doubt and trying to be attractive enough to keep him from straying.
It was just easier to call time.
In your case though if you want to stay with him I think you need to remind him if the consequences if his actions.
He needs to sweat a bit and as the guy above said he should literally be on his knees.

Chihuahuas Mon 25-Feb-13 19:52:42

If it helps. I stayed with my husband. But on the understanding that nothing was ever secret and he always kept in touch. I no longer feel the need to check up on him but I can do with no issues if I wanted to check his email texts etc. we have total transparency. Counselling helped a lot. It helped him to see why i had needed to know the whole truth and how important it was for him to make me feel secure again by being transparent. As I said before. It helped him more than me. My husband had what was called an emotional affair. If he had slept with her then I'm not the outcome would've the same.

newbiefrugalgal Mon 25-Feb-13 19:53:44

OP another one here who feels your pain.
I discovered in summer last year.
Still no further along today if we will separate permanently or get back together.
We've just had a family holiday and he joined us for last few days. I had spent some time alone and realising that I just have my head in the sand about what happened and just want happy families but the reality I am angry and resentful and I don't trust him.
I think my motivation is for the sake of the DC and that's how it should never be.
But I feel guilty and I am not the one who had the two year affair!!
I've just asked him now to give me more space.
Someone here on mn wisely made me realise that my relationship was shit because he was making it that way -he checked out emotionally and sexually. My first words when I found out were 'I'm not surprised' as if it was all ok.

newbiefrugalgal Mon 25-Feb-13 19:55:27

Sorry still me.
Like others have said give yourself space and time-he has been doing this for a long time you've known two days.
You are in shock -baby distractions are useful smile

Hope your chat tonight goes well.

1983mummy Mon 25-Feb-13 21:29:52

he came round and we had a good chat for two hours. it was very awkward at first. I was very firm and he said he will fight for me. but we're both physically and mentally exhausted by what has happened over the past two days, that we need to sleep and eat.

I asked why he wanted me to have space, when he should be fighting to be with me etc and he said that he too needs space as he needs to understand clearly in his head, what made him do the things he did. x

Charbon Mon 25-Feb-13 21:34:48

Well he's only got to look after himself in this luxury of 'space' he's given himself. I don't suppose he offered to take your toddler so that you got a bit of free time to your self?

Sorry, this just sounds to me that he's choosing between the two of you and telling you both very different stories. He could have spent the last few days with her, for all you know. Even if you checked with his friend, he might lie and he certainly wouldn't hold your husband to account for all his movements.

Thisisaeuphemism Mon 25-Feb-13 21:40:28

What a rotten time you're having, 1983. You must feel exhausted.

I wonder if counselling would help? You seem so calm and forgiving of him. Do you really think you can get back to normal after what he has done/still maybe doing?

I'm not sure telling him to fight for you means anything if you are simply waiting for him to come back.

If you hadn't found out, he would still be playing happy families with his girlfriend and your daughter - how can you reconcile this with him coming home?

MrBloomsCherry Mon 25-Feb-13 21:42:42

Diddums. He wants space to think about why he did, what he did?

He's had months to think it over op!

I'm sure he's sorry.
Sorry you've found out.

I wish you the very best op and I hope he gives you what you need and want. But I really hope you're not making it easy for him.

Thisisaeuphemism Mon 25-Feb-13 21:49:01

1983, you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that he's waiting for her her to leave her husband.

It does seem odd that he wants to stay away when you want him back.

Chihuahuas Mon 25-Feb-13 22:31:19

Your the one who should be telling him you need space 1983. Toughen up honey and do it quick. He is firmly in control of this situation. He should not need space. He should be fighting tooth and nail to keep you.

You need to speak to this other woman to find out what's really going on. Find someone to mind your child and go and find her. I know your scared of what you will find out but I worry for you and what's coming.

MrBloomsCherry Wed 27-Feb-13 12:23:17

How's things op?

PureQuintessence Wed 27-Feb-13 12:32:07

What a shit he is.

You carry his baby, and he starts eyeing up other women. He seeks out a woman in his work place, and he gives himself permission to woo her, to shag her, and all the time you are at home pregnant, giving birth, recovering from pregnancy and birth, coping with new motherhood, while he is building a relationship with somebody else. He has betrayed you, he has betrayed your daughter? And now he has fucked off and is sleeping elsewhere (with his friend, yeah right) to "give you space". What an utter shit he is. sad Sorry.

I would see a divorce lawyer and take some advice. Even if you dont act on it, you will be armed with knowledge.

1983mummy Wed 27-Feb-13 14:07:16

thank you for you messages.I've had a wake up call and realised that this man is a bastard. he's said that he doesn't want her, but doesn't know what he wants and until he does he can't fight for me. he said that the fact that he isn't down on his knees means he is confused about what he wants.

he's seen me cry, but has said he wants me to get angry with him? wtf

I think it's inevitable that we'll split. but I don't know if I have the strength, I feel week and like crap.

yesterday I looked at a dating site to think about whether I could ever see myself dating again and finding love and I kind of can, but where do I find the strength to get my life straight?

and how do I sort out the practicalities of seperation?

we both own our home and we both have good jobs, although I'm part time. how do I sort money, what I'm entitled to and our mortgage etc? please help. x x

Charbon Wed 27-Feb-13 14:25:51

I expect he is telling the OW a very different story. When people say they don't know what they want, they usually do know what they want, but are afraid to state it openly and burn their boats completely.

I think you should take control now and say that you are making the decision to end the marriage. However make an appointment with a lawyer and get some legal advice about your particular circumstances and this will strengthen your position.

tessa6 Wed 27-Feb-13 14:46:17

I'm so sorry, op. yes it is likely he has plans to be with ow but has almost convinced himself that he isn't lying when he says he's not sure.

Here's what will happen. He will appreciate you getting angry because it will make him think you're strong so he can feel alright about leaving you and because it will be unpleasant for him and help him out the door. If you are sad and kind or begging he will struggle because his guilt will kick in but he'll continue the affair on the side before eventually leaving having given you false hope. The only way you will either get over him OR him back is to detach and get on with an independent life. People are motivated by loss.

There will be times when you feel he loves you again, times when you hate him, times when he begs, when he tells you the whole relationship was never good. Look at the big picture not the detail. He is trying not to hurt you while hurting you terribly. This will carry on unless stopped. He is planning to be with someone else, demand to see their latest correspondence immediately and if he refuses (there will be lots) chuck him out for good.

Please trust us, op, you can see we're familiar with it.

tessa6 Wed 27-Feb-13 14:57:11

You'll be okay. Don't worry. CAB will help, also call you mortgage provider and find out what they might do, they deal with this sort of thing all the time. If you put this sort of practical stuff to your DH he might seem to back down, faced with the reality. Don't trust it. He's just freaking out at the consequences of his own actions.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 27-Feb-13 15:17:38

I'm really sorry you are going through this.
I am relieved you have realised what an arse he is though.
CAB is the best place to start. They should be able to help you out with stuff and point you in the right direction for other things.
I've been where you are and it is tough. You do want to forgive them.
I tried but it didn't work. Him leaving was the making of me.
It was very tough for the first few months to be honest, but you slowly start to build yourself up again and your life will turn around.
You will find someone who loves you and will fight for you no matter what.
You can do this.
All the very best of luck to you and your DC.

1983mummy Wed 27-Feb-13 15:39:54

thank you for your support. I just don't know how I'm going to cope juggling work and a one year old! how will I find the energy?

I have no single friends, so who can I go out with?

will I find love and find someone willing to take on my daughter and maybe have another child.

and if he goes with this ow, or any other one, how can I come to terms with another woman being in my daughter's life?

Helltotheno Wed 27-Feb-13 15:40:48

he's seen me cry, but has said he wants me to get angry with him? wtf

Well of course he said that, he just feels guilty about treating you like shit, whereas if you lose the plot, it'll justify him treating you like that... that's the way he sees it anyway. It's just the guilt talking...

Don't get angry OP, just detach completely and get him out of the house, ie, put his stuff into bin liners and leave them in the drive. Don't engage with him at all except about the DC. Let him have all the space he needs while you get on with your life. He's just not worth it...

Helltotheno Wed 27-Feb-13 15:43:40

will I find love and find someone willing to take on my daughter and maybe have another child.

This is something I don't think should be your focus for now... also I don't think online dating is the way to go for the time being. Do you have any babysitting options? Is there anything you could join, book club etc? Is there a voluntary organisation local to you that you could help at in the evenings? It sounds like you were a bit too dependent on him anyway, or rather on your life with him. It can't hurt having a decent social life of your own...

Bluemary3000 Wed 27-Feb-13 15:47:34

Hi dh had one night stand last year and I didn't get angry. That to be honest with you worried him more as he didn't understand why not. I think it's because if I felt angry then some of the guilt would have gone from him. My dh told me about the night and for several months after I questioned him over and over again. I think to. Try and trick him.
I knew as soon as he told me that I wouldn't throw him out as well strangely it could have been so much worse and he told me and I didn't have to out I my own. Before that I would have said one night stand, affair throw the b@ggar out! I also gave my dh the choice to leave there and then, he decided to stay and put up with me dictating our marriage for a while. Things have settled down and we are back to date nights once a month to try and separate our working lives and the kids from us as a couple. I do waiver from time to time, but there is no more I track on his phone and or checking his emails etc most days.
Anyway my point is, is that you have been deceived and so as far as I am concerned you are the one in charge now and he should be doing what he needs to, to get you back and make things right.
I would be dubious as to his notions of having to get his head straight as that seems weird to me or it could be that he actually taking stock of what has done and realised that he needs to make his own mind up as to whether your marriage is worth it or whether he thinks he might do it again.
The two of you perhaps needs to leave it for a week or so and then have the frankest talk that you have ever had. A few glasses of something may help to discuss those more difficult topics. Good luck

Thisisaeuphemism Wed 27-Feb-13 15:52:19

I'm so glad you've had a wake up call and realised what kind of man he is.

Well done. Please tell your family and friends and ask for their support - this is his shame not yours.

Get a solicitor, cab, csa website, etc, find out where you stand. He is behaving like an absolute shit.

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