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ExP trying to control me or should I acquiesce?

(83 Posts)
drasticpark Sat 23-Feb-13 18:01:35

Every time xp has ds age 12 for the weekend he seems to forget something vital and demands that I drive over to his flat to hand deliver it. Last time it was shin pads, the time before that it was school shoes, today it is full school uniform. I was out this morning and I am working a 12 hour shift tonight and again tomorrow night so it is inconvenient for me to do his fetching and carrying. Tomorrow, xp has to pass the end of my road to take ds to football. I have text xp and said he is welcome to come and collect anything ds needs from the house at any time - ds has a key - or he can bring him home at 8am on Monday to get changed for school and I will do the school run. I think I am being reasonable but xp is insisting I hand deliver ds' uniform tomorrow.

It's all so petty and I can't be bothered with the aggro but on the other hand I don't want to feel or be controlled by xp any more. Also, he has these tantrums in front of ds who I know will be very anxious about not having his uniform and even more upset by the continued conflict.

I could be the bigger person and just do it but it happens every single weekend when he has ds. I think he is trying to hang on to a modicum of control and in doing so is teaching ds that women are there to fetch and carry when the man snaps his fingers. If he could say please or thank you or would you mind awfully, then he would get a much better result.

He left us over two years ago for ow and I completely and utterly fell apart but I have worked really hard and got myself a new life, a new job and a new man. I run the family home single-handedly and I've got my pride back. I am happier than I have been for many years. I treat xp politely but just get hostility in return. What shall I do?

drasticpark Sat 23-Feb-13 18:03:06

It sounds so petty, all for a school uniform but it's the underlying control issue I want to tackle.

Lueji Sat 23-Feb-13 18:06:51

It would be petty if it was a one off.

As it is, it's controlling behaviour, or at least a big degree of twatiness.

I'd, in future, make sure that DS doesn't forget anything, not to give him a reason for these stunts.
Make a list and tick the items every time if you must.

As for this time, if you think your DS will be very affected, I think I'd take it.
If not, then tell him to get it himself, or buy a new one.

MrsTomHardy Sat 23-Feb-13 18:12:07

Sorry but I wouldn't be playing these games.
Your DS is old enough to sort his own stuff out that he needs IMO, so really nothing should be left behind. I would be double checking to make sure he has everything and I would also tell DS that if anything gets forgotten then its tough basically..

You can't keep running backwards and forwards to xp's tune

tribpot Sat 23-Feb-13 18:13:58

It seems a bit weird to have sent ds off without his uniform if he's going straight from school from your ex's - you're playing into his hands. Even though I fully agree he is doing it to be controlling and you are right not to want to go along with it.

As Lueji says I would stop giving him obvious targets to hit, and then I'd be tempted to talk to your ds about how best to manage contact whilst he's at his dad. He's old enough to have his own phone to contact you about stuff like this, and arrange with his dad to call in on his way to football when/if he's forgotten his own uniform.

You're caught between a rock and a hard place because you can't do what you want, which is to say 'here are the options, pick one, I will NOT be bringing stuff to your house', as the only person who suffers is your ds.

FastidiaBlueberry Sat 23-Feb-13 18:14:51

Your DS is old enough to organise his own stuff tbh.

I'd second the suggestion that he does a list (you can sit down and help him do it) and you can add bits to it as and when he needs to - PE Kit stuff on x weekend, xyz on another weekend, etc.

It is a good opportunity to give your DS some control in the situation. Doing the list and being in charge of it, maybe ticking off stuff each week, will be an empowering thing for him and it will cut the crap from your ex.

FastidiaBlueberry Sat 23-Feb-13 18:16:09

Sorry, cross-posted

drasticpark Sat 23-Feb-13 18:18:49

Ds packs his own stuff and has some things at his dad's flat. It's difficult to keep track of things like shin pads. He asked me for his pe kit and school coat so I wrongly assumed he'd packed the rest of his uniform. Things get forgotten, we're all human. I'd help anyone but xp's attitude towards me is awful.

drasticpark Sat 23-Feb-13 18:19:41

Yes, tick list is the way to go.

tribpot Sat 23-Feb-13 18:24:41

Oh, and also (with ds' knowledge beforehand and double-checking of packing) I would go away for the weekend. Ideally every single time but often enough that you fetching and carrying is physically impossible. Maybe have a friend on standby so that if ds is getting really stressed by something that's been forgotten, someone can 'happen' to drop it round.

DameFanny Sat 23-Feb-13 18:27:09

For now, put the bag in a taxi and tell the driver your x will pay at the other end?

drasticpark Sat 23-Feb-13 18:31:29

I was away one weekend. He hit the roof. I was pronounced guilty of neglect. I never bother him on his ds free weekend. I never bother him for anything. Therein lies the problem I think.

I will do the tick list. I will ask ds to show his dad the list before they drive off. And after that I will ignore.

MrsTomHardy Sat 23-Feb-13 18:33:14

Yes definitely ignore

drasticpark Sat 23-Feb-13 18:33:15

Haha DameFanny. The taxi would be sent straight back here though. He's such a nob.

ImperialBlether Sat 23-Feb-13 18:50:35

Don't do it. Just don't. How dare he dictate what you do on the days when you don't have your son when he left you for another woman! Absolute bloody nerve.

Just reiterate what you said and leave it at that.

tribpot Sat 23-Feb-13 18:58:36

Whether he thinks you are guilty of neglect for going away on your weekend when you don't have ds is irrelevant. Go anyway. And keep going. How can you be tied to your house when you don't have ds? It's illogical.

Bossybritches22 Sat 23-Feb-13 18:59:15

Tick list & stand there in front of him and DS & go through it so he knows you /DS has full kit.

"To save us both the hassle of getting stuff to you" <smile sweetly, head tilt>

If he says he won't wait,be firm and say you want to make sure as you're trying to get DS to be more repsonsible and he has done a good job with packing so its a good habit to encourage him.

Good luck- you are right it IS controlling and has to stop.

drasticpark Sat 23-Feb-13 19:02:04

Oh don't worry - I don't give a flying fig what he thinks or says. Just wish he wouldn't involve ds all the time. It's the only weapon he has left. And he knows I'll want ds to be ok so he brandishes it at any opportunity.

tribpot Sat 23-Feb-13 19:03:47

But what would he do to ds if you just weren't there?

Bossybritches22 Sat 23-Feb-13 19:07:03

Gawd I have the same with mine, luckily they are older now & can sort their own clothes & he's only round the corner so they can hoof it back if they've left something(as they inevitably do)

But my ex refuses to buy clothes for them to wear at his so everything has to schlep there for a w/e & end up staying there so I have to demand it all comes back as I can't afford 2 wardrobes.

Why can't they see it's only the kids who suffer trying to keep the peace?!

FastidiaBlueberry Sat 23-Feb-13 19:10:00

They can see that it's the kids who suffer.

They don't care.

It's worth it to inconvenience the women they no longer fully control.

That's worth more to them than their kid's welfare.


DioneTheDiabolist Sat 23-Feb-13 19:12:21

OP, you say that your ExH is teaching your DS that women are there to fetch and carry when the man snaps his fingers.

He's not the only one. Every time you go over with what has been forgotten you are reinforcing this belief.

drasticpark Sat 23-Feb-13 19:15:26

Dione, I know. I'm between a rock and a hard place. Well, I'm not but that's how it feels.

drasticpark Sat 23-Feb-13 19:16:03

He is a shocking role model to ds.

AnyFucker Sat 23-Feb-13 19:18:58

I wouldn't do it

I wouldn't do any of it

If he is a fit enough father to parent his ds for the weekend, he must take full responsibility for everything

maybe your ds has to see some healthy examples of women refusing to pander to idiotic men

stop doing it

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