Help stop me wavering

[ivegotaniphone]

I have poted before under a different name about H. This is my old thread here

I eventually showed him that thread and we had a chat about possibly splitting up. Then 2 things happened which forced the issue in my mind. One evening I was a bit upset about feeling an old friend had moved on from me. He had had a rare evening out and a drink and wanted to go to sleep. Launched into a bit of a tirade about how he never saw his friends since he got married (was are a military family and move a lot) and what's more, he would have got much further in his career if it wasn't for me and DS holding him back (he has actually done really well in his career anyway). I was a bit shocked, left it at that, broached subject a couple of days later. To start with he said, well it's all true, what's your problem? Then changed his explanation to I was "blubbing on" and he wanted to go to sleep, so said something unpleasant to shut me up and let him do that.

Secondly a few days during another chat he said he had noticed that he can't be nice to DS and I at the same time. He is either pissed off with me and being nice and doing things with DS, or getting on with me and then constantly on DS back about minor things. Shout shout shout.

I really need to go don't I? A couple of days ago we talked again, I said it's really not going to work. He accepted this but i think he thought everything will still be ok. He was going to change, control his temper etc. That lasted 48 hours as he lost it last night and shouted in front of DS about how we were going to split and sell the house as soon as I move. DS knew nothing of all this and I want him to be told properly. DS and I are suposed to be moving in 3 months to the dream family house. We will have to sell it now anyway as I can't afford to live there on my own.

He is mooching around today looking sad and I am feeling guilty and coming up wth reasons in my head not to go. Pease tell me not to change my mind.

[ivegotaniphone]

A few weeks ago during a mild disagreement about what to watch on the TV he got up and shouted that he was fed up with it and cut the plug off the TV and said no one could watch it then. That's not normal is it?! I have reached the stage where I can't always see what is. I think DS has too.

[Squeegle]

That really isn't normal. My dad was like that. I really used to hope my mum would leave him, but sadly she never did.
Think hard about how you want things to be a year/ 5 years from now.

[codswallopandchips]

Sorry to hear you're going through this - you know in your heart what you want and need to do, for yourself and your son. What your husband is doing isn't normal (cutting the plug off the TV wtf????) and it's not right. Stay strong, and look to the future you want to have.

I'm sure other people will have good advice for you, I just want to say good luck and ((hugs)).

[Lueji]

No dream house is worth this.

[Flojobunny]

Bricks n mortar are not worth putting yourself and your DS through this. A dream house is a place which contains your loved ones, a place where you and DS feel safe and secure.
It will be hard to sell up and start over but in 12 months from now your life will be so much better and DS will be much more relaxed and happy.

[ivegotaniphone]

Thanks. I worry about the upheaval for DS. He has looked forward for so long to moving into our own home this year instead of army houses, and now I will have to tell him we will have to move again

[BerylStreep]

No, not normal.

Have to go but will read your previous thread later.

[ivegotaniphone]

Thanks Beryl

[Charbon]

You've now got clear evidence that it isn't the upheaval of splitting up that will damage your son, it will be staying together. You are in an abusive relationship and you need to get you and your son out of it. No more threads asking whether this is normal or worth saving. It's not. You need to end this now.

[ivegotaniphone]

That's the sort of kick up the arse I need

[LittleEdie]

It's perfectly normal to waver when you're leaving a bad relationship. But you have to take the long term view. I found the whole thing got loads easier once I had actually made a decision and started taking steps to move out.

[ivegotaniphone]

I think the problem is I am stuck on this army house until our tenants move out of our house in a couple of months. And then because it is an entirely new geographical location I will have to find z job etc, but feel am stuck in limbo a bit at the moment

[SolidGoldBrass]

You will be better off when you are rid of this man. Honestly, an abusive man in the house makes life so much harder than it needs to be. There's loads of help out there via Women's Aid , Citizen's Advice etc, and your DS will not have to put up with a bully harassing him any longer.

[BerylStreep]

Oh he sounds horrible.

Cutting the plug off the TV is extreme and bizarre - how could you ever relax around someone as volatile as that?

What he said to your DS was cruel and unforgivable. I'm not sure what age your DS is, but for him it will probably feel like his world is about to collapse after what your H said to him.

Have I read this right? - you own a house which is currently rented out to tenants, and when they move out in a few months you had originally planned to move back in, but now if doing it on your own, you couldn't afford to and will need to sell?

If you are never going to be able to settle in your owned house, why wait for the tenants to move out? Why not just find somewhere for you and DS to rent, as soon as possible? Leave your H in the army house - his problem. Is there any particular location which you are tied to?

[meditrina]

OK, you're in limbo - but you know for how long. Having the timeline is a help. You need coping strategies until you move out and move on, and you can make the house you are going to a dream home too. You just need a different dream. You can start that now.

[meditrina]

And if your tenants are due to move out in less than 90 days, can you ask H to declare himself officially separated now so he can move into the mess?

[LittleEdie]

I'd second the idea of not moving into the other house if it means you'll have to move out again quickly. Would it be possible to bypass that stage?

[ivegotaniphone]

The problem is the house is in the location I have always planned on settling in. I absolutely do not want to settle where we live now. I work and study PT here, need to get job in new location. Current plan is DS and I will move into house, then I can get him settled in school and look for a job and new house while we sell current house. I cannot afford to house Ds and I on current salary and presume I will not get HB or any other benefits as I own a house? H will pay mortgage etc until house sold. There is a reasonable amount of equity

[ivegotaniphone]

He didn't say that to DS, he said it to me. Not that that is any better :-) DS seems to be bimbling along and has not noticed any extra arguments the last few weeks. I honestly think he would be fine with me and not miss H that much at all.

[Charbon]

You're back-pedalling to convince yourself that staying in this relationship isn't going to harm your son. You said upthread:

he lost it last night and shouted in front of DS about how we were going to split and sell the house as soon as I move. DS knew nothing of all this and I want him to be told properly.

This is an escalation so you need to move quickly to protect your son from any further outbursts.

[ivegotaniphone]

Sorry, I was talking about the wrong thing - I meant the bit about DS and I holding him back. He did say the other stuff to me when DS was in the room with me. He was watching TV, he has said nothing about it but I really don't know whether he took it in or not. He is 7.

I can ask H to move into the mess for my last couple of months here

[BerylStreep]

Good. That's a start. It will give you time to gather your thoughts and make some plans.

[ivegotaniphone]

Just thought I would let you all know I have left him. DS ad I move out at the end of April into our own house, and H is moving into the mess.

When I told him a week ago I was ending it he cried on and off for days and seemed to behave as though it had finally sunk in what he has been like. He has going to the army welfare service and asked for counselling, told them he has abused his wife and son, is even reading Lundy Bancrufts book which I had got for myself. He has told his family and told them it is his fault. However this week I can see the snippets of temper flaring about the same old stuff, but that is making me feel less guilty. Do they ever change? Although it would be too late for us even if he could. I felt so guilty last week, but can see the change in DS already and the relief is rapidly overtaking the guilt.

I would have been a lot less clear on all this if it wasn't for all the things I have read on here :-)

[Snazzynewyear]

Sounds like you have done the right thing. Even if he is regretting some of his past actions now, that doesn't mean you should have stayed. If your DS is feeling the benefit, that justifies going in itself. Maybe with counselling your H will become someone that you and DS can have a pleasant and amicable relationship with, without being a couple. That may be more realistic than imagining he has the capacity to become a completely different person.