I think I am going crazy.

[MissAliceBand]

That's it really.

I am going mad, I am so unhappy, so very fucking unhappy. I wish I could go to sleep and just never wake up

But I can't sleep. Ever - it's so damn frustrating. All I can do is cry and cry and cry.

Which isn't really going to get me anywhere.

And I think my relationship with DH is fucked. He doesn't like me very much at all. Which is probably fair enough because I don't like me either.

I am so completely useless.

Fuck.

I also probably swear too much

[Sunnywithshowers]

Hi Alice

I didn't want to leave your post unanswered. It sounds like you're feeling really shit at the moment.

Big hugs to you xxx

[alittletime2]

Are you really useless? This seems unlikely, given that you are a woman. If it's any consolation, I don't like me much either. Apparently this is due to my 'life experiences', nothing personal, ha. What has happened to lead to your crying tonight?

[izzyizin]

Oh dear, have a and tell us all about it.

[Socrates91]

You sound severely depressed. If you can't stop crying you are having a mental crisis. Re-evalute your life and identify what is making you feel this way and deal with it. Take it from someone who was suicidal, it does get better if you let it. Don't let depression defeat you, this is your personal struggle and once you overcome it you will feel AMAZING. You'll even become a better person, someone you would admire today. Get help from a mental health professional and real friends and family. I BELIEVE you can beat this, you really can.

P.S. Leave him if he is such a drag and makes you feel horrid. If he doesn't even like you then why bother?

[MissAliceBand]

I just don't have the strength. Part of me knows whst I have to do, what is wrong but I am just so tired.

And it is affecting DC, I can see it. And I know I have to get her out of here but I just can't find it in me to do it.

God I feel so sorry for myself. I'm sorry.

[Socrates91]

Don't feel ashamed, many people have gone through what you have and gotten out better. You are not a failure. You can move mountains if you want to, stop defining what limitations you have. None of us have limits unless we put them there. Find some strength and make your life better for yourself and children. Start small by improving your life today by changing your present mindset (feel more optimistic) and that'll lead to big changes in the future. Do you have a job? Do you feel financially trapped? Tell us more, please.

[alittletime2]

When you stop crying you will find your strength. If you can't stop crying, then get yourself to the doctors, they will help.
What is stopping you leaving? Can you get away for a night or two with a friend/family member and take it from there?
When did you last sleep?
I've been there too, the constant crying. Mumsnet helps.

[izzyizin]

There's a lot to be said for a good old-fashioned wallow in self-pity and it's often the case that, once you've cried yourself out, new ways of thinking, or solutions that previously eluded, present themselves.

If tireness is contributing to your current meltdown, you're best advised to get a good night's sleep and review the situation tomorrow when, hopefully, it won't seem quite a bleak as it does now in the early hours.

[MissAliceBand]

I do have a job, I am very lucky as it is PT and well paid. My sleep issues affect me though as I am often really tired during the day. I try and nap in the mornings for an hour or two.

DH is just cross with me because I rarely take DC to school. I do get up and get all bags ready and make lunch box and read school book and etc.

He says I am lazy, which I probably am, and crap with money, which I definitely am - I buy too many books, I have a compulsion to own books. They make me feel safer.

I did try and say that I know I could do the morning school run more often, I do it once/twice a week. But that he could then make lunches, do bed-time stories, make dinner, do reading etc more often too. It just descended into a rant about how annoying I am in general. Which is fair enough but I am so tired and I just cpuldn't take it tonight.

Tomorrow will probably be OK and I will get over myself.

Sorry again.

[izzyizin]

I'm a bookaholic, I've got thousands of the things but I've resolved to severely restrict my purchase of dust gatherers and indulge myself in buying ebooks.

Book an appointment with your GP to discuss your tiredness issues. A simple blood test may reveal you're deficient in essential elements such as iron but until the results come back, a short course of sleeping tablets should enable you to get a good night's sleep at the appropriate times rather than staying up half the night and knackered the next day.

[Socrates91]

Don't feel sorry, that's what mumsnet is for. I mean most of the relationship section is about people complaining about how horrid their lives are, right or not.
I don't think your husband is being fair calling you lazy, you seem to do a bloody lot with making lunches and reading to kids and all. Perhaps he should take the kids to school.

Best wishes and if you want to tell us more certainly do, and don't feel you can't.

[kickassangel]

It is NOT fair enough for him to rant about how annoying you are.

Get to a doctor and tell them all this. I once spent an HOUR crying to a doctor for similar reasons. You can get this sorted out, but you will need help, so ask or it. Ask your doctor for the right prescriptions and referrals, ask friends/family for support, and ask your partner to get over himself.

[alittletime2]

Stop being sorry for a start : )
He's ranting at you, that's awful, you shouldn't have to take it ever. Even if you are annoying, which I doubt.
Sleep issues: have you been checked out at the doctors'? I'm usually anaemic, which makes me endlessly tired. When massively stressed I get insomnia too and can't switch off at night, but can nap in the day - the napping is bad, makes it harder to sleep at night. Best advice is to try to not nap, get to bed really early (obviously that's going great tonight for me hmmm) and I take piriton (took valium for a bit, piriton recommended by docs as less addictive, less destructive) to sleep. But I'm also not a morning person, even with lots of sleep. Doesn't make me lazy though dh would agree with your dh
Why the books for safety? Do you lack a feeling of safety?

[izzyizin]

Books on their own can't make you safe, Alice. If anything, owning tons of them could be said to be a fire hazard.

What do books represent to you that makes you feel safe? Knowledge is power? A means to escape the humdrum by burying your nose in one?

Once you've worked out why they make you feel safe, you should be able to find a less expensive substitute or see them for what they are, which is mainly paper.

[alittletime2]

Izzy, books are not mainly paper! As a massive book lover, they are definitely mainly words.

[Contradictionincarnate]

go see a doctor asap sounds like you have depression but your stuck under the cloud you can't see it! symptoms are no sleep ... you can feel good about yourself again but you need help!

[izzyizin]

Tell me about, alittle... I'm in love with words but they have just as much meaning when used verbally or written here on virtual paper as they do in their printed form which is mainly confined to a by-product of wood pulp.

Books clearly hold a particular signifance for Alice and if she sees safety in 'words' rather the tomes themselves, it may be that can wean herself onto a super large dictionary or a few volumes thereof rather than buying and hoarding them.

[MissAliceBand]

The books thing is a hang up from childhood. Books were my friends, my escape. An inspiration to BE more than I was.

I am not more than I was. I have put myself in a very similar situation. Only now there is no future to look forward to. This is my life, my adult life. I could kick myself I really could.

And DH hates the books (and the kindle and the library books) when he's pissed of with me he threatens to burn them or throw them out Which makes me cry

I have seen GP before, had sleeping pills but loathe to take them long-term. Had councelling but am apparently not very good at it I am too inclined to 'make light of things abd to put myself down before someone else does'

I just think if I really thought about it, I would curl up in a ball and never uncurl. Which would be no help to anyone.

[Socrates91]

Why don't you go to a library instead? You can read all the books you want and it won't cost you a penny! Mind you, you'll have to return them back.

Personally, I would much rather my wife be spending money on books (which he can enjoy too) then on something superficial like extra shoes and clothes. (looking at some of you ladies). Smart is the new sexy.

[Contradictionincarnate]

go back to gp get a sexing opinion those sleep pills definitely haven't worked!

[Contradictionincarnate]

*second not sexing ... my phone grrr

[alittletime2]

Fair enough izzy! A compulsion to own lots of books could easily get out of hand. I have a compulsion to read lots of books, happily fuelled by oxfam and since most books go back there, no probs with the hoarding though my bookcase is groaning
Alice, about the safety thing, is it the words, or the presence of the books that gives you the sense of safety? Or is it the buying of the books?

[alittletime2]

Massive cross post, sorry!

[Socrates91]

Read your post and your husband sounds rather obtuse not to mention abusive. The problem isn't the extra books but him I'm afraid. Ditch the drag and maybe you can still become what you aspired to be as a child.

[MissAliceBand]

I do go to the library - problem is I'm a re-reader (word? Probably not) so if I find a book I love I end up buying it - sometimes on kindle! - so I can read it again... and again.

He is of course welcome to read them whenever he likes, as long as he doesn't turn the corners over

Luckily for himself I am crap at clothes and shoes Though I reckon he'd argue I still have too many.

My other issue is too (he says) expensive food - which as the fussiest eater of all time he doesn't get either.

I think we need to learm to communicate better but he thinks I am too emotional and weepy which winds him up, makes him shouty and aggressive, which makes me more weepy.