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Should one message this guy just for the sheer comedy value??

(49 Posts)
lookslikeacoconut Fri 22-Feb-13 15:29:09

I am never knowingly in fashion. I have been described as a cross between The Duke of Wellington and Magnum PI. I go to the gym 12 times a day (14 times on weekends). Let's face it, I'm built like a brick shithouse. I have more tattoos than Edinburgh. My motorbike has more power than Geoff Capes. I speak with a disarmingly smooth French accent. I am an animal in bed (chinchilla). I have a portfolio of property that makes Kensington look like Billingham. I believe I can fly. I can fly. I taught Cliff Richard the secret of eternal youth. I look twice before crossing the road, sometimes thrice. I brush regularly - hair, teeth, pets (where applicable). I am an ex-member of the magic circle (still know the tricks). I never judge a book by its cover ? softback, hardback, e-book, whatever. I never judge a judge by her lover. I close all gates behind me, except in airports. I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth. I make any dinner feel a banquet. I am kind to dumb animals. I am dumb before kind animals, and afterwards. I never put the cart before the horse, or the chicken before the china shop. I let the tail wag the dog, and the dog lead the blind. In the land of the one eyed blinds-salesman I am king. I am the cloud in the silver lining, and the househusband with the pile of ironing, and the boy with the last ever bottle of empty white lightning. I am ad nauseum, ad infinitum. I am your buy-one-get-one-free cheapest item. I am a beta male. I am the tortoise on wheels, the turbo-charged snail. I love my mother. I wash daily (minimum). I eat up all my greens. I leave the legs on insects. I keep my eyes above, always above, a lady's neckline unless invited lower (in writing). I help old men across the road. This is what a feminist looks like. I keep my fingernails clean. I bite my fingernails. I no longer have any fingernails. I am all ears. I am more than just ears. I cannot tell a lie. I fillet, chop, dice, and slice. I never stop. I last a lifetime. I mow the lawn. I remove unwanted facial hair. I get rid of embarrassing spots. I deliver the pizza. I lengthen, and I strengthen. I can help get rid of your gambling debts, and quit smoking. I'm a friend, and a companion. I'm the only thing you will ever need. Follow my easy assembly instructions. I never need ironing. I take weights off hips, bust, thighs, chin, midriff. I can find you a new job. I can give you minty fresh breath. I can get rid of your traveler's checks. I'm new. I'm improved. I'm old-fashioned. I never need winding. I get rid of blackheads, and the heartbreak of psoriasis. I'm effective at getting rid of household odours. I disinfect, and sanitize for your protection. I am fully guaranteed. All money back if not completely satisfied. Your statutory rights are not affected.


"The thinking woman's Clive Dunn... what's not to like?" - Heat magazine
"The most eligible bachelor since Edward VIII fell for Mrs Simspon" - Tatler
"... girls are fainting in droves for this Teesside Adonis" - Evening Gazette
"Funnier than Gary Wilmot" - The Sun
"If you like him, you should put a ring on it" - Beyonce

MrsBombastic Fri 22-Feb-13 15:30:35

Yep! grin

freddiemisagreatshag Fri 22-Feb-13 15:31:52

grin Oh Yes!

MushroomSoup Fri 22-Feb-13 15:32:21


PeppermintPasty Fri 22-Feb-13 15:34:55

Another yes. But you have to go on a date with him and you have to come back here and tell us all about it.

SaskiaRembrandtVampireHunter Fri 22-Feb-13 15:40:11


Lovingfreedom Fri 22-Feb-13 15:42:01

With a GSOH like that...definitely.

Wewereherefirst Fri 22-Feb-13 15:42:10


HDee Fri 22-Feb-13 15:44:59

He sounds like a twat. I think I'd be eternally single should I ever get divorced.

Sailormercury Fri 22-Feb-13 15:48:41

Please! And then report back.

OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly Fri 22-Feb-13 15:54:46

How about a live date thread? You could go to the bathroom a couple of times to update us.

Or have a friend strategically placed in the restaurant/coffee shop to do the necessary?

MarinaIvy Fri 22-Feb-13 16:06:03

Yes please! Ooh, what would you text, then?

MarinaIvy Fri 22-Feb-13 16:08:27

Ooh, I've just changed my mind upon re-reading.

Even though he fillet chops, slices and dices, he doesn't say he makes julienne fries.

I'm sorry, but that's my dealbreaker. grin

lookslikeacoconut Fri 22-Feb-13 18:59:25

:-) at HDee - he could be a complete twat, or a comedy genius - it could go either way.
that's the 'fun' of online dating !

Still disappointed by my 5th online date, earlier this week. If I can muster the strength, I'll message him and definitely report back.

Havent strategically placed a friend in the next booth or anything before, will def have to try that.

Cluffyfunt Fri 22-Feb-13 19:03:06

Oh yes!
I like him grin

makemineapinot Fri 22-Feb-13 19:06:50


MatureUniStudent Fri 22-Feb-13 19:11:27

omgosh - how did you ever manage to read all that? Noooo run, run fast and for the hills.

PandaNot Fri 22-Feb-13 19:12:30

Definitely yes!!

MechanicalTheatre Fri 22-Feb-13 19:14:38

He could be a laugh, at least it's a bit different.

OutsideOverThere Fri 22-Feb-13 19:17:20

He sounds like really hard work, sorry.

EllaFitzgerald Fri 22-Feb-13 19:24:22

The fact that he mows the lawn would be enough for me to message him!

Bogeyface Fri 22-Feb-13 19:25:46

Trying waaaaaaaaay too hard. Just guessing but I think that he would be all about him, not much time left for you.

Roseformeplease Fri 22-Feb-13 19:28:51

I would google this. It does not read as if written by someone who is not a professional writer. Also, spells cheque, "checks" (US spelling) so suspicious of plagiarism.

Mendi Fri 22-Feb-13 19:30:58

I've read versions of that profile about 3 times. This guy may be the original, but I doubt it. Avoid.

UnrequitedSkink Fri 22-Feb-13 19:33:24

No-one in the US has ever heard of Billingham (no-one south of York has ever heard of Billingham), I say it's genuine. Message him! Does he have a profile pic that we can go and judge?

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