Something terrible happened last night...

[Felix77]

Hi there,

Thought I might post as its been playing on my mind and wanted to see what others thought. We have two year old dd who is the love of our lives and she is very 'mummy demanding' at present. Im still breastfeeding her so some nights she will call out for me in the night. I'll usually go in and comfort her as my husband, although he offers is usually in a very grumpy mood and has difficulty getting up at that time - he will usually complain, swear and carry on abut her waking so I just tell him to go back to bed. Lately things have been changing. My hubby has been stressed at work - I have also (I work PT and also study and he works FT). Last night DD cried out - I waited for a little to see if she would settle and didn't so I went in - bf her and put her down but she wasnt having any of it. So I asked hubby to see if he would do it, (a very rare occasion indeed to see if she would stop fussing for me) he went in, sat down yawning and said to her "go back to sleep" in a stern voice. I poked my head around the corner and whispered "do that thing you do with her". Anyway he started swearing at me telling me to F off (in front of the child). I went in and told him to stop - DD crying and screaming for me at this point. so I told him not to worry and go back to bed. He went to the spare room and as I brought her in with me (in the back ground he was yelling out) I was so furious with him, I went to the bedroom to tell him how insensitive he was and he was still swearing at me. I had a glass with about 50 ml of water in it in my hand and so I threw it on him and told him he needed to cool down and control himself. Anyway this was a big mistake as he jumped out of bed yelling "you Bitch!" and chased me to the bedroom where DD was, he grabbed me by my clothes and shoved me forward and backward so I feel over on my back. DD was crying again crying out "mummy". I was terrified that she could see what was happening. My husband swearing and yelling at me at this point - grabbed me again and through to the hallway and I fell against the stair banister. I told him to get his hands off me and he stormed downstairs. I went back in to be with DD to calm her down - her heart and my heart was beating so fast it took me hours to get back to sleep. This morning he acknowledged that he was wrong for swearing but seemed to have a mental block for being physical. I told him that shoving me and pushing me around was wrong especially in front of dd. i also have a mark on my chest from his fingernails. He said that she only 2 so she wouldn't know - however i disagree and believe this should never happen. It has happened before a few times in our 7 years of marriage but he has never hit me. What do you think about this?

[Zaphiro]

I think you both completely over-reacted. Throwing water over someone is a physical act, if you ask me. You both need to apologise.

[imtheonlyone]

I think that's awful - sorry, would be a deal breaker for me. Totally unacceptable whether he has hit you or not - physical violence is what it is. He has hurt you physically and emotionally and in front of your dd. sorry to hear this happened

[freddiemisagreatshag]

He assaulted you. He will do it again.

Are you safe? Is he there now?

[CailinDana]

You were very violently assaulted in front of your child. Ideally you should report him to the police but at the very minimum you should get him out of the house and never let him back in

[GoodtoBetter]

I think you should ask him to leave.

[freddiemisagreatshag]

(but you really should have left him to it if you asked him to settle her - why did you go in and whisper anything?)

[CailinDana]

zaphiro i agree that throwing the water wasn't good but the husband's reaction was way out of proportion.

[PhyllisDoris]

Agree with Zaphiro.

DH and I used to have some humdingers in the middle of the night when one of the DDs woke up - we were so tired, both working full time.

Working and looking after kids at the same time is stressful - I'm sure things will improve as she starts to sleep better. I would argue that a 2 year old shouldn't need to feed in the middle of the night though.

[Mabelface]

No, you shouldn't have chucked the water on him, but this in no way at all should detract from the fact that he assaulted you very violently in front of your daughter. He will do it again. And again. He needs to go.

[chocoreturns]

I think this is domestic violence and throwing water is no excuse for physically assaulting someone in front of a child. You were silly to do that, and no doubt you know that. But no matter what, there is no excuse for someone using violence. He may consider himself provoked. But many, many people manage to have arguments without shoving, pushing or leaving fingernail scratches. I hope you are ok, I would be really shaken by what you have described and not feel safe. :(

[CailinDana]

phyllis did your dh assault you?

[N0tinmylife]

I think you need to ask him to leave. You do not want your DD to grow up thinking this is normal behaviour. At 2 she will be very aware of what she is seeing! I hope you are OK. I know it is easy for us to say he should leave, but never that simple in RL.

[practicality]

I think this is totally unacceptable behaviour and is likely to escalate. He is bullying you into doing all the childcare because you know you will get a lot of grief if you don't.

You and your child do not need to be around this behaviour. You say this sort of display has happened before. To what extent?

[Felix77]

hes not here now but at work. I did apologise and recognise I did do wrong Zaphiro. It hard to figure out what to do about this as I feel responsible for his actions/reaction.

[Zaphiro]

Both of them behaved terribly. Just because his act was the final one doesn't mean her initial actions are excused. She asked for his help, he obliged, she told him he was doing it wrong, he went back to bed, she followed him saying he was wrong, then threw water on him.

I'm not condoning his actions at all, but both of them were in the wrong. They need to have a mature, blameless conversation about how to make sure this kind of situation doesn't escalate again. It sounds like there are other stresses and problems that will have led to heightened emotions and responses from both.

[Zaphiro]

X-post.

Sorry if that came out harsh, Felix. Don't feel responsible for his actions - they're not your fault. He needs to apologise too as shoving is never acceptable, no matter what the provocation.

[practicality]

You know what, I think you went into the bedroom to check on him because you don't trust him to be calm and kind.

I think if someone was verbally abusing me I would ask them to leave my home let alone all the other stuff you have suffered. I think there are studies that indicated that very young children are aware of domestic violence and are affected by it.

You need to nip this in the bud for both the sake of your child and yourself.

[AngelinaCongleton]

That's horrible and shocking. I know night time arguments are fraught but your baby is 2 not 3 months so the worst of it should be over. I think you behaved badly with the water etc but I think your dh was totally out of order. There's one thing being a grumpy bass but totally another to make it so physical. At the very least I'd take photos of the mark on your chest, maybe show him this thread and have serious, very serious discussions about your concern for your safety and his temper. He needs a reality check at the very least. If he is not utterly sorry you have more thinking to do.

[practicality]

Zaphiro- in no way did the O.P. behave terribly. You need to reread the original post.

[TranceDaemon]

You could have thrown a bucket over his head and it wouldn't have justified his reaction. NOTHING justifies domestic violence and you need to recognise how unacceptable this is now.

[Lizzabadger]

He assaulted you. It wasn't the first time. It won't be the last time either unless you end the relationship.

[MrsBombastic]

He shoved you til you fell over, chased you and left physical marks on you... how this this normal/ok?

Your DD may not remember the actual event but she will remember the feeling of fear and that it is linked to her dad which means she will grow up wary and not totally trusting him without really knowing why.

Also, he is a dad, that means that sometimes you have to get up to your kids day or night and NOT swear about it.

You should not have thrown the water or got up and started bossing him around but that does not excuse his behaviour.

You say this has happened before so the likely hood is that it will continue, may actually escalate into something worse at a later date and your child will see it and remember it.

I think it's high time you reassessed your relationship. IME you get what you put up with and it's high time you put your foot down and set some hard boundries.

The reason he won't acknoweledge his behaviour is either a) he thinks he's done nothing wrong, b) he knows he has and feels guilty and doesn't know what to say c) he has done it before and you let him get away with it.

This guy is an asshole.

[PeppermintPasty]

What, exactly, has happened "a few times in our 7 years of marriage"? Do you mean rows, as you say he's never hit you?

Ultimately, he overreacted and was abusive. Ultimately, you are not responsible for another person choosing to assault you. Yes, you did a stupid thing with the water, but this is too much. I have a 2 yo, and it would terrify her to see this I'm sure.

I personally wouldn't recommend showing him this thread. Keep it for yourself, until you decide how to deal with this.

[GoodtoBetter]

Throwing water on him probably wasn't a great idea but it's not the point, his reaction was violent, frightening and totally disproportionate. And he's been violent before.

[NaturalBaby]

It would take me a long time to look a man in the eye who did that to me, let alone be in the same house as him.