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Dh and fb swooping

(131 Posts)
Cuddlemedolly Fri 22-Feb-13 12:42:11

Silly question really, probably over analysing!

Dh rents houses to students. We have recently signed up students for the next uni year in a house of 3 girls and 1 boy. He has met them a few times and signed contracts etc. He said they were nice and was happy for them to rent off us.

This was a few weeks ago, but I found on his fb that he has searched for their profile pages. Now normally i suppose he would just be checking them out prior to signing them up to see if they seemed like responsible tenants. However, we signed them weeks ago and it is only now he is searching for them. He also only searched for the girls who are young and pretty and not the boy.

He may have searched for them online too, but no way of knowing!

Silly I know, but am I just being paranoid! Why is he fb spying on them?

Zaphiro Wed 27-Feb-13 16:14:30

I think you're over- egging it. You're asking him not to do anything that may or may not upset you. From the sounds of his reaction, he didn't realise this would upset you. So it's unenforceable and open to misunderstanding.

Are you asking him to never look up girls in bikinis or anyone female on Facebook? That's enforceable, but really controlling. Imagine if a woman posted saying her DP was so jealous that she wasn't allowed to use Facebook, even with no history of cheating or inappropriate messaging - there'd be a chorus of "leave the bastard," wouldn't there?

Cuddlemedolly Wed 27-Feb-13 16:35:18

God I know I sound controlling. We have been together 20 years after meeting at college. We have only slept with each other and so yes I do find it difficult if he finds other women attractive. I don't have a problem if I know about it, it's more if he does it in secret.

I hate him looking at porn, especially when he says he doesn't and I then find out he's surfing the web for semi naked women just weeks after the birth of dd would make most women feel rubbish?

I was unsure if him looking at the profile pages of young women we know was linked to this. It's not nice to think of your dh flicking through photos of 18 year old girls even if there was no lusty intention.

He has a habit of promising to be one person and then doing something different in private to save my feelings be it money or porn. So it is difficult to recognise the truth as his lies sound the same as his truth. This is his pattern of behaviour.

I probably sound bonkers, I need to trust him and he needs to make me feel secure he is telling the truth. Bloody hell marriage is hard!

Littleturkish Wed 27-Feb-13 16:51:11

I don't think you sound controlling- I think you sound honest. I talked your situation over with my DP and both of us agreed that we would feel uncomfortable with the other behaving like that.

You've made it clear where your boundaries are- and he's crossed them, again and again and again. It's easy to do the 'surprised and upset' act. Much easier to do that then actually change your behaviour.

Escalating to perving over REAL women, young girls, that is just creepy.

I think you've done the right thing. I would do the same. I'm not saying leave him, but having the time apart allows you to think and decide how you feel. There is nothing wrong with that.

slhilly Wed 27-Feb-13 17:14:34

"We have only slept with each other and so yes I do find it difficult if he finds other women attractive. I don't have a problem if I know about it, it's more if he does it in secret."

I'm afraid I simply don't think this is healthy, for two reasons:
- I've never heard of someone who only finds their partner attractive. I think you are setting yourself up for dismay if you want him not to find other people attractive.
- You've said it's difficult for you to contemplate him finding another woman attractive and you've also said you want him to tell you when he does. Why would he deliberately tell you he finds someone else attractive and hurt you and start a difficult conversation unless that attraction was something really serious? Especially as he may well see people every day that he thinks are somewhat attractive.

I think if you want him to be more open with you, you're going to have to work on your feelings of insecurity to create an environment in which he doesn't feel guilty about what is going on in his head, which he quite likely dismisses to himself as nothing meaningful anyway.

differentnameforthis Fri 01-Mar-13 04:43:40


There is absolutely NO way that you can tell who has looked at your profile. No application will ever be allowed that information & fb themselves have not programmed a way of telling you who has looked at your profile. When you come up on lists, it is usually a friends list & of course you have looked at their profile, they are your friend!

The apps that say they can do it just choose random names from your friends list!

lottieandmia Fri 01-Mar-13 19:15:49

There aren't any apps that accurately let you see who looked at your profile on FB, but I have my suspicions that facebook send you people who have looked at your profile in your 'people you may know' on the right side of your profile. There is no way to prove or disprove it.

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