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Dh and fb swooping

(131 Posts)
Cuddlemedolly Fri 22-Feb-13 12:42:11

Silly question really, probably over analysing!

Dh rents houses to students. We have recently signed up students for the next uni year in a house of 3 girls and 1 boy. He has met them a few times and signed contracts etc. He said they were nice and was happy for them to rent off us.

This was a few weeks ago, but I found on his fb that he has searched for their profile pages. Now normally i suppose he would just be checking them out prior to signing them up to see if they seemed like responsible tenants. However, we signed them weeks ago and it is only now he is searching for them. He also only searched for the girls who are young and pretty and not the boy.

He may have searched for them online too, but no way of knowing!

Silly I know, but am I just being paranoid! Why is he fb spying on them?

Diagonally Tue 26-Feb-13 23:05:34

I hope you are OK OP.

You sound so weary of his behaviour.

Hopefully you have been able to use his absence to think about your options. It's no life waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time.

When you give someone lots of chances to "do right" and they reward you with "doing worse", its time to bail, imo.

LittleEdie Tue 26-Feb-13 23:16:54

I just don't think that looking at pics on Facebook of people you fancy is that bad a thing. Honestly!

AnyFucker Tue 26-Feb-13 23:22:07

An equal playing field, I would agree with you, Edie

But that isn't the case here, is it?

Op's H is

1) in a position of authority over the girls
2) substantially older than the girls
3) married to the OP
4) has form for dodginess

he can do what he likes, it's not against the law. But I wouldn't want to be married to him. Would you ?

BIWI Tue 26-Feb-13 23:24:41

How would you feel if it was your child, LittleEdie?

Someone who is in charge of them?
Someone who is taking money from them?

There is something inherently creepy about this, do you not think?

And if you don't think this, why not? How do you justify this?

How do you think I should feel about this, as a parent of one of the children?

BIWI Tue 26-Feb-13 23:25:30

NB I have no idea if I am one of the parents - I should make that clear. But I am in - potentially - a similar situation to the parents of the tenants of the OP's house. 1 boy and 3 girls.

LittleEdie Tue 26-Feb-13 23:30:26

It's as if people are suprised that middle aged men find 18 year olds attractive! He's guilty of a thought crime - no more!

That said, if you're not happy and want to leave him then do so. But you did ask 'am I blowing it out of proportion?' And I honestly think so.

Zaphiro Tue 26-Feb-13 23:34:02

BIWI they're not children, they're over 18. They're adults who put photographs of themselves in the public sphere and happen to have a financial agreement with the OP's husband. My DP has done music tuition for girls in their late teens before (as well as boys) and I wouldn't be upset by him looking them up on Facebook. I've done the same, and had a look at people's profiles. Facebook doesn't solely exist as a wank-bank.

The problem is in the OP's insecurities and her husband's reassurances not comforting her, because she doesn't trust him.

BIWI Tue 26-Feb-13 23:36:30



Why else would you be looking them up? To find out what music they like?

Southeastdweller Tue 26-Feb-13 23:38:39

zaph Why would you want to look them up!?

AnyFucker Tue 26-Feb-13 23:41:09

Good people really spend their time looking up teenagers on FB ?

Whatever for ?

I don't even look ex boyfriends up on FB and i thought that was what it mostly for

If I caught my H looking up 18yo girls on FB, I would think he had undergone a frontal lobotomy in his lunch hour

LittleEdie Tue 26-Feb-13 23:42:50

No I don't, but I wouldn't think much of it. Curiosity, nosiness etc. normal human stuff.

AnyFucker Tue 26-Feb-13 23:44:57

this bloke wasn't "nosy" about the male student

funny, that

BIWI Tue 26-Feb-13 23:47:56

Thank fuck for that, AnyFucker - clearly my son is 'safe'. But what if I was the parent of one of the girls?

I think some of you are seriously deluded about what is going on here, and I can only assume that you don't have children, you only have very young children, or you are also men doing this kind of thing.

LittleEdie Tue 26-Feb-13 23:58:01

I think the girls are safe. What do you think is going to happen?

Zaphiro Tue 26-Feb-13 23:59:56

I think it's more a generational thing, in the politest possible way... I have used Facebook since my late teens and it's quite normal to look people up when you meet them. That's the case whether they're young, old, male or female. For instance I've looked up a lot of people I've met through work. And 'whatever for?' - well, I guess the same reason people use MN. Time wasting.

If I found out that my landlord had looked at my photos, I'd assume he'd be looking to see if I was regularly tagged at house parties/throwing up/doing anything disreputable. I'd also assume he wanted to see if the house was in any of the photos so he could see it in a non-house-inspection state.

If he wanted to wank over the girl students, would it not be more likely that he'd look up the one he fancied and not bother with the rest? Or look through their friends at anyone with a bikini profile picture?

FWIW I'm not saying, in the OP's situation, that she's being stupid to be upset. OP and her husband clearly have issues and she needs support. But the act itself is far from horrific imo and it'd be a mistake to blame the current upset on the act rather than the underlying problems.

AnyFucker Wed 27-Feb-13 00:08:18

Zaph, perhaps there is a "generational" thing here in recognising that this act and current upset are parts of a pattern of behaviour that don't instil much trust in a partner (said in the politest possible way, of course)

and the two protagonists here are presumably around the same age (old enough to be the parents of these girls ?), so there should be no "generational" divergence between them, which is really the crux of the issue

BIWI Wed 27-Feb-13 00:15:09

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

BIWI Wed 27-Feb-13 00:16:48

LittleEdie - why do you think the girls are safe?

Why do you not think it's worrying that the landlord is checking them out?

What do you think might happen the next time he visits them in their house? When he has learnt more about them from their FB pages?

How do you know they are safe?

AnyFucker Wed 27-Feb-13 00:17:34

...and why would he wait until after they have moved in to check if they are "trustworthy" ?

LittleEdie Wed 27-Feb-13 00:24:10

Look, I'm not really saying that he doesn't fancy them. He probably does. That doesn't render these girls unsafe. Why would it?

Zaphiro Wed 27-Feb-13 00:26:23

No need to get upset! Are you friends with many students in rented accommodation on Facebook? As I said in my previous post he might have been looking for the house in their tagged photos for signs of big parties, mess, damage, additional people living there, pets, candles - anything dangerous or that may break the conditions of their tenancy.

BIWI Wed 27-Feb-13 00:26:49

Really? Are you for real?

He is their landlord. It means he gets to go round there and visit them whenever he wants.

Wouldn't you feel that would be a bit creepy?

Zaphiro Wed 27-Feb-13 00:28:49

No, it means he gets to go round there after 48hrs notice provided to all tenants, in most contracts. I'm pretty sure the OP hasn't implied her husband is a predatory rapist.

BIWI Wed 27-Feb-13 00:29:15

If so, Zaphiro, why is he not checking out the boy?

AnyFucker Wed 27-Feb-13 00:31:05

I don't have an opinion on if he "fancies" them. Men fancy women all the time, and vice versa

What I think is dodgy though, is he is choosing to connect fantasy (because these girls would never be sexually interested in him) and reality by specifically targeting these girls online that are in a vulnerable position in relation to him

I can see I am unable to convince you though, Edie, and thank you for not being quite as condescendingly ageist as your fellow supporter of his right to perve over teenage girls, so I shall wish you a good night smile

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