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Dh and fb swooping

(131 Posts)
Cuddlemedolly Fri 22-Feb-13 12:42:11

Silly question really, probably over analysing!

Dh rents houses to students. We have recently signed up students for the next uni year in a house of 3 girls and 1 boy. He has met them a few times and signed contracts etc. He said they were nice and was happy for them to rent off us.

This was a few weeks ago, but I found on his fb that he has searched for their profile pages. Now normally i suppose he would just be checking them out prior to signing them up to see if they seemed like responsible tenants. However, we signed them weeks ago and it is only now he is searching for them. He also only searched for the girls who are young and pretty and not the boy.

He may have searched for them online too, but no way of knowing!

Silly I know, but am I just being paranoid! Why is he fb spying on them?

TrampyPants Sun 24-Feb-13 14:10:28

Yes, stay with a man who snoops on pretty young girls and has no respect for you or your feelings!

<eyeroll> 83% of statistics are bullshit.

Op, I agree with the majority, this man sounds vile.

Hissy Sun 24-Feb-13 14:17:12

"98% of healthy men enjoy it at various points in their lives?"

And then they leave their teens and find out that being a real man means satisfying and cherishing a REAL woman.

Have your balls even dropped yet Rob? Haven't you got a box of tissues to get through? Cos you sure as hell ain't doing any good here...


KnittedCharacter Sun 24-Feb-13 14:24:16

Did u ask him why he didnt look up the boy?

Cuddlemedolly Sun 24-Feb-13 15:02:54

He said he did look for the boy but couldn't find him on fb.

Should I really ask him to leave after 20 years together and 3dc because he looked at the profile pages of student tenants? It's difficult to know where the boundaries are anymore.

DopamineHit Sun 24-Feb-13 15:15:03

Robdile - possibly 98% of men do look at porn. Wouldn't surprise me. I'm a bloke and I use it occasionally. Looking at porn is not the major issue here - it's the associated lying and disrespect that's the real problem. OP has indicated that she hates her partner using porn. He responds by saying OK I won't and does anyway. That's a weak response. Either he should defend his use of porn and they discuss it or he should agree not to use it and stick to that.

There is also the other fb stuff and some indications that he might have a bad porn habit. I don't think she should boot him out and call a solicitor. That's completely OTT. But it's an issue that he needs to address honestly or it'll get worse.

Numberlock Sun 24-Feb-13 15:18:27

So how do you suggest she addresses it this time then?

Cuddlemedolly Sun 24-Feb-13 15:34:12

Dh has said that he has never looked at sex porn as he thought this was going over the boundaries of appropriate behaviour. He has looked at girls in bikinis etc online or things like the nuts website. When I have found out about this, he has always been remorseful and seemed genuine and then promises he will stop, then at some point starts it up again.
Things came to a head when I found out he had been looking at images again just a few weeks after having dd. I was hormonal, upset and felt rubbish. The thought of him looking at these images whilst I was recovering from birth and nursing his dd really knocked my confidence. He was upset at how upset it made me. He lets me check his phone etc and has tried to be more open.

The fb snooping might be entirely innocent and he may have just been checking out what they were like, but I just don't know. I don't know what to do about it for the best. It's upsetting for me. sad

bestsonever Sun 24-Feb-13 15:44:16

20 years together, not surprising that the sex life does not quite have the oomph it used to. Is that a reason to turn purvey and lurk at RL people on facebook much younger than himself ?
It's an undesirable trait that he has, I don't quite know what would be best here as if you were going to not put up with it, or try and sort his attitude then it's 20 years long due and probably a part of his character/personality.
Feeling inadequate and seeing these images as a measure against yourself is perhaps better to work at.
Maybe some scantily clad Johnny Depp pics, or whatever floats your boat laying around the house/bedroom wink, could make a point. There does seem a line has been crossed now he's looking at people he's met and in a poss position of power over?

Hissy Sun 24-Feb-13 16:36:20

I dunno Cuddle but the comment made earlier, that these girls are DDs to someone, and it makes me SHUDDER to think about someone perving over our children like that.

How would he feel if someone was looking HIS DD up , leering over her in the way he was with these girls. Long story short, if you are renting to these people, you have a deposit, an inventory and their day to day life is NONE OF ANYONE'S BUSINESS.

It sounds grubby, and it IS creepy.

Tell him to reign his dick in, or you WILL lose respect for him.

Cuddlemedolly Sun 24-Feb-13 16:47:41

If you're looking at fb profiles does that make it pervy? They're not children but 18/19 year olds. Genuine question?

He is adamant he was just being nosey and seeing what they were like. Does that make him creepy? I really don't know what is acceptable and what isn't and I truely don't know what to do about it. Any advice?

fluffyraggies Sun 24-Feb-13 16:54:14

OP - every one here can only give advice based on their own values, opinions, feelings etc.

Mine are this:
the thought of my DH looking at pictures of other women in bikinis doesn't fill me with joy - but it isn't something i would break the relationship over on it's own. I wouldn't like my DH telling me what i can or cant look at when i'm alone.

the looking up of the students on FB would have me feeling uncomfortable. I would push this. I would have a go at looking up the male student and see if you can find him easily. I would be telling my DH i'm not happy.

You need to decide how you feel OP, and forget about trying to decide how you should feel.

Hissy Sun 24-Feb-13 17:12:38

It IS creepy, given his bikini habit. His copybook IS blotted in this already.

An 18 yo's life is NOTHING to do with him.

His only interest is that they pay their rent on time.

If your DD's LL was looking up her and only FEMALE flatmates, how would YOU feel? Make sure you teach her how to be invisible on FB in good time eh?

Given his history, he has no business in snooping around a teen girl's FB. Your instincts led you to post here, remember that? You thought it was unsavoury way before you brought this to MN.

Trust your instincts.

Hissy Sun 24-Feb-13 17:14:21

I too think that the boy HAS to be on FB. Just that H is not interested in his goings-on.

LittleEdie Sun 24-Feb-13 17:31:11

He was ogling them. Only you can decide if that is acceptable to you.

Cuddlemedolly Sun 24-Feb-13 18:34:15

Dh said he had a quick look on their profiles to be nosey and see if they were responsible students. He tried to look for the lad but couldn't find find him. He says he looks at other fb profiles too even if he isn't going to friend them. Just being normal and nosey, but was not done in a pervey way. I found out by looking on his fb activity page.

His version is that he just had a quick glance of their fb pages because they are tenants. My version is he is looking at fb pages of 18 year old tenants. Dh says I am twisting it into something it wasn't.

It is not acceptable to me and I don't see how he could justify doing it, on one hand it's harmless on the other hand it is inappropriate.

I really don't know where to go with it. We have 3 young dc, I am tired.

FrameyMcFrame Sun 24-Feb-13 18:47:34

Search for the boy yourself, then you can see if he is telling the truth.

his behaviour sounds like the pattern of someone who has an online porn addiction.

catlady1 Sun 24-Feb-13 18:58:11

As others have said - search for the lad yourself. If he pops up in the first few search results as I suspect he will then your DH is lying.

Obviously my personal opinions are pretty much irrelevant on this subject since it's YOUR relationship and therefore it's how YOU feel that matters, but I think that looking at random half-naked models online is one thing (and arguably a "normal" thing that lots of men do), but looking up "real" young girls who he will be seeing and talking to in real life is quite another.

izzyizin Sun 24-Feb-13 19:05:29

Of course you're tired. Dealing with tricky dickys such as your h is extremely wearing.

Depending on how frequently he indulges himself, looking at what he claims is not much more than page 3 images on the net could be regarded as a somewhat distasteful but harmless pastime.

However, as evidenced by his 'performance' of late, I suspect he's gone way beyond page 3 but it's probable that hell will freeze over before he admits it.

As for checking out your young female tenants on FB, 'normal' people are not 'nosey' and he's very definitely crossed the line and been caught with his trousers down, so to speak.

It's down to you to decide what you can cope with/what you want to do about it, dolly, but it seems to me your h is the type of man who needs to be put through the wringer numerous a few times before any truth can be wrung out of him - and, even then, more turns of the handle are necessary to fully extract honest responses from him.

deste Sun 24-Feb-13 19:13:59

When we rented our flat in Guildford I looked up the guy on Facebook to see what kind of tenant we had. TBH he is a lot calmer and better behaved than the impression he gave on Facebook. When you have to do things over the phone and Internet it was the only way I could see who we were getting.

deste Sun 24-Feb-13 19:15:53

Pressed too soon. He is about one third of my age so i definitely didn't do it to stalk him or because I fancied him.

Cuddlemedolly Sun 24-Feb-13 19:17:18

Thanks all. Izzy you are right that I really have to squirm any information out of him. He is a genuinely good guy, but the fb thing gas got me thinking.

So you think a line has been crossed? I checked and I found the lad quite quickly. Dh said he thought he had looked and tried to find him but obviously hadn't.

My emotions are all over since the baby, which makes you feel white vulnerable so things you may normally accept become a little blurred.

What do I say to dh, where do I go from here. He is moping around at the moment apologising and saying he just didn't think how dodgy it looked and hadn't given it a second thought until I had raised it. He dad said he has tried so hard to be open and honest lately and us upset he's messed up.

Littleturkish Sun 24-Feb-13 19:30:42

How does he make you feel?

When you look at him, knowing he has looked up teenage girls he has authority over, how does that change the way you see him?

On the whole, does he make you happy? Is he fulfilling his role as husband, partner and lover for you? Do you feel like you fullfill your role as wife, partner and lover to him?

Basically- if your daughter grew up to rent a room from a man who then searched for her online AFTER renting the room to her (so nothing about approving before she moved in) AFTER meeting her, how would you feel? How would your husband feel?

izzyizin Sun 24-Feb-13 19:38:45

In that case he's going to have to try a damn sight harder than he has done, dolly.

Of course he didn't give looking up your young female tenants on FB a second thought - he was too busy following up his first thought which was to look for pix of them scantily clad or otherwise so he could perve over them, and the fact you quickly found your young male tenant gives the lie to his account.

Had he asked your tenants whether they were on facebook/other social media site and enquired whether they had any objection to him looking them up, he wouldnt have crossed the line between what is acceptable and what is a wholly unnecessary intrusion on their private lives.

The bottom line is he knows what he's doing is wrong - otherwise why would he go to such lengths to hide it?

I don't envy you having a man like him as a spouse as the truth is you'll never know for sure what the truth is.

Cuddlemedolly Sun 24-Feb-13 19:45:18

He makes me feel so wound up and annoyed Turkish that he has put me in the position where I don't know what to think. He said he wouldn't like it if a LL looked at our dd on fb, but said he didn't look on their profiles in a sleazy way.

He is adamant that he is not a perv or a sleeze, but surely looking at tenant profiles makes him one? He said just because you look at a female profile does not make you a sleaze.

God it's soo trivial, but he knows I hate the whole porn thing and I just don't know if this connected or something entirely separate.

I'm just stuck again either accepting his explanation or not. He said he never engages with women on line, would never have an affair and no longer even looks at the daily mail soft porn articles for fear of upsetting me. Am I too controlling or is he just feeding me a line..

izzyizin Sun 24-Feb-13 19:48:11

He's feeding you a line - don't bite it and don't buy it.

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