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Please help: What would you do?

(128 Posts)
babyhammock Fri 22-Feb-13 10:36:47

What would you do if you had an ex partner like this, who had virtually no relationship with your child and you had been court ordered to present your child for direct unsupervsed contact.

Verbally abusive such as screaming in your face that you're a f****g c**t and that he's sick of hearing about the f****g baby while you're carrying that child.

Emotionally abusive...threatening you if you see any friends family anyone etc etc etc

Physically threatening (over and over) ..standing over you screaming, with his fists clenched that he's going to put you in hospital, put your head through the f****g window, kill you while you're curled up in a ball crying

Sexually abusive ..while you're still crying and curled up in a ball forces you to have sex

Who also pays nothing in child support despite being court ordered to do so.

Would you break the order and risk enforcement?

Flisspaps Fri 22-Feb-13 10:44:04

I would seek legal advice, but ultimately yes - I wouldn't give my children to that.

babyhammock Fri 22-Feb-13 11:40:04

Thanks Fliss thanks
I have and I've appealed but it was refused. My old solicitor's unofficial advice is to not comply as they feel I have no choice.

I don't know what will ultimately happen though and its terrifying and I guess my recourse then would be the European Court of Human rights.

I just wondered what others would do really.

CaptChaos Fri 22-Feb-13 11:44:22

On what basis was he granted unsupervised access?

Surely if you raised all these points in court Cafcass would have recommended supervised access to start with?

Personally, I wouldn't comply, but be ready for the fallout.

pollyblue Fri 22-Feb-13 11:49:55

agree with Capt, I would not comply and don a tin hat for the fallout.

Out of interest, how old is your child? Once they reach a certain age I believe they are able to state if they want to have contact, and their wishes have to be taken into account.

Also do you have any police logs of incidents of violence against you, or any witnesses to this?

babyhammock Fri 22-Feb-13 11:51:09

Ex refused supervised. He said in court numerous times that he would rather never see DS again than see him in a contact centre and smirked that 'that would just have to be the way it was'.

So the twat of a judge, sorry but that's how I feel, ordered unsupervised.

MrsTomHardy Fri 22-Feb-13 11:56:50

No advice but want to offer support....

What a twat that judge sounds. I have to say I wouldn't hand my child over to a moron like your ex either. But not sure what the fallout would be as ever been in that situation....

How old is DS?

jayho Fri 22-Feb-13 11:57:57

Appeal again and refuse contact while you go through the process, stall stall stall.

When is contact due to take place and for how long?

babyhammock Fri 22-Feb-13 11:58:29

Sorry polly I crossed posted, he's 4.5.

I have my eldely neighbour who used to hear him and found it so distressing that she used to go to the shed at the end of the garden to get away from it. She wrote a statement to that effect and also a second one that he had gone round to intimidate her into withdrawing it. The court disregarded this reason

Also my friend witnessed him threatening to kill me. They called the police 6 times between the initial call and the time the police arrived and the transcript of those calls was read in court and my friend was clearly. The judge refused to allow their statement as they did not want their address made public..pretty understandable and a previous judge had said that was fine and had disclosed it to the court. In the appeal the judge said previous judge made a mistake but 'wasn't to know' confused

I could go on and on..there was so much evidence against him..

babyhammock Fri 22-Feb-13 12:01:31

Sorry my last post wasn't very clear
My friend was clearly terrified and they didn't want ex to have access to their address but they had given it to the court separately. It just wasn't on the statement.

babyhammock Fri 22-Feb-13 12:03:04

MrsTom and Jayho thankyou.

MrsTomHardy Fri 22-Feb-13 12:05:16

How often is he supposed to have contact and is it overnight?

babyhammock Fri 22-Feb-13 12:09:37

Every other weekend, over night friday and saturday. DS barely knows who he is and hasn't seen him for nearly 2 years.

Lueji Fri 22-Feb-13 12:10:39

I'd take fresh legal advice on this.
The solicitor may feel obliged to tell you to comply, but you can ask what would happen if you didn't comply with the court ordered access.

One stance is that you are frightened of him, so don't want to go anywhere near him.
Nor your friends and family.
So, how would the handovers happen?

What has happened to him for not paying child maintenance?

(something I may need to consider later in the year, if twat ex is granted unsupervised access too)

fuzzywuzzy Fri 22-Feb-13 12:15:07

I wouldn't either.

Was there an actual contact hearing? Has there been CAFCASS officers involved?

You must be terrified.

MrsTomHardy Fri 22-Feb-13 12:16:13

Can you go to Csa over maintenance?
He should be supporting his DS financially.

Why the hell did the judge order overnights if DS hasn't seen his dad for 2 years...that's madness!

postmanpatscat Fri 22-Feb-13 12:21:54

It is mad...DP didn't see his DD for three months with no issues other than her getting back at him for meeting me (which happened long after their relationship was over), and even then he was not granted immediate overnight stays with DD who was 2.5 at the time. He used to give her back at 6pm Sat and pick her up again Sun morning.

I would refuse to hand him over, I know it's against the law but someone has to stand up for this child and the court clearly aren't doing that.

izzyizin Fri 22-Feb-13 12:26:38

If you haven't done so already, give Rights of Women a call on 0207 251 6577 - the advice line is open until 2pm today.

babyhammock Fri 22-Feb-13 12:34:02

Lueji my old solicitor has 'unofficially' told me not to comply. She's been brilliant and basically told me to lie low. She thinks ex is dangerous and that we've been horribly let down by the system. But ex is pursuing me aggressively and I'm really really scared.

Nothing has happened to him for not paying. He was court ordered to pay as he pays no income tax (hence why I couldn't go through CSA). The court are aware he earns and pays no tax and that he's broken the order to pay child support but they are not interested.

Yes there was hearing and judge disregarded virtually all the evidence and also ex's behaviour in court which was horrendous. It sounds stupid but it was like being abused all over again.

The original order was initially for 2 saturday daytimes then going into the overnights

Lueji Fri 22-Feb-13 12:45:03

It doesn't sound stupid at all.

Any possibility that your DC will have a fever at next supposed handover?

Imogencodpiece Fri 22-Feb-13 12:47:42

I would not give my child to that man regardless of the court order. You need to appeal the decision.

Surely nobody could blame you for keeping him away from his father.

Seek legal advice asap OP about appealing and stalling as much as you can.

When is supposed to be handover day? Can you be elsewhere with friends/family so that he cannot come round to the house and try and force you?

Lueji Fri 22-Feb-13 12:53:37

The last time ex wanted to take DS on holiday with him (huge risk of child abduction to another country) and was threaning all sorts, I just reported all the threats to the police, then kept DS away (he was already on holiday with GPs) and myself too.

Personally, I'd find all possible reasons for handover not to occur.

babyhammock Fri 22-Feb-13 12:56:18

The original order was made in August and I appealed straight away but it was refused. Since then I have been stalling and stalling and basically not going to the enforcement hearings that have taken place. This is what my old solicitor told me unofficially to do. She's worried if I go to court they will slap an enforcement order on me, so she said to basically lie low

Ex isn't allowed to know where we live and that's an order form the high court although the lower court keeps threatening that if I don't go to court they will disclose it to him.. but I'm really hoping they wouldn't be that stupid.

My friends think I should go to the paper with our story sad

fuzzywuzzy Fri 22-Feb-13 12:56:34

Call women's aid for advice and also the number further down for rights of women.

Does he have a police record for domestic violence?

I'd refuse contact on grounds you are not willing to place yourself at risk by meeting your ex for handover as your in fear for your life.

Can you ring social services ask them if there's anything they can do? Although in my experience they won't touch a case which has gone thro courts with a barge pole.

babyhammock Fri 22-Feb-13 13:04:50

His ex had reported him for punching her daughter in the face and I got hold of that official court statement outlining what had happened. My barrister told me it was an open document or something (can't remember the terminology) and could therefore be used as eividence but the judge disallowed it. No reason.

I actually told the high court judge that I was too scared to do handovers and he said that was 'entirely understandable' but still refused the application.

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