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at my wits end trying to co-parent with a manipulative abusive arse

(89 Posts)
sarahseashell Thu 21-Feb-13 17:30:44

just that really... doesn't matter HOW fucking reasonable/decent/mature I try to be, as I have consistently over the years since he left, it makes not a jot of difference because he just behaves like an arse and I have to suck it up so that dcs don't get caught in the middle
SO HARD sometimes angry
I know there are some on here who will get it, just wanted to share with the sisterhood
rant over

Wereonourway Mon 25-Feb-13 20:54:44

Mines still cuntychops, he suits cuntychops!

freddiemisagreatshag Mon 25-Feb-13 20:47:22

SGB- I too would like to say that is a superb post. My ex shall now be known as the whanger in my head grin

Wereonourway Mon 25-Feb-13 20:43:00

Solid I always thank posters for their responses but I'd like to really really thank you for that one.
The first part of your post perfectly analyses and concludes how I feel and describes ex(and myself) to a t.
I will keep referring to that in the hope I reach the end of your post sooner rather than later.
Thank you again

SolidGoldBrass Mon 25-Feb-13 20:28:01

When you've lived with an abusive whanger for a long time, and you once loved him, it's hard to let go of the idea that he has superpowers and will always 'win', and that if you are not obeying and indulging him then you are in the wrong. Even though it's bullshit and he's an inadequate, silly little man who other people undoubtedly find ludicrous and unappealing.
Talk to a solicitor, have this man forced to back off and behave himself (as you have every legal right to do) and give yourself time. While he may continue trying to upset you, at least until he finds some other poor woman to torment, it will bother you less and less and eventually you will regard everything he does with mildly amused contempt. Best of luck.

Wereonourway Sun 24-Feb-13 21:58:41

Thank you solid, it's quite scary how he turns me into a withering bloody mess.
I do now ignore, I don't engage but I want to scream at him all the things I wrote. Don't know how lucky I am!? How hard it is for him.
No maintenance again this week etc.
he makes me angry but most of all sad that he can't see what's actually going on.
I have accepted he won't change his attitude or opinions but how someone can be so off with their reasoning and understanding is shocking to me, even now, having lived with him for years.
I'm gonna instruct my solicitor to go all out for him to leave me alone and to suggest he sticks to, and makes the most of, his time with ds.
I absolutely hate being in this situation, I am so much better at not engaging, I really am. I never let him know he is getting to me but he does and I've no idea how to stop that conpletely

SolidGoldBrass Sun 24-Feb-13 21:51:13

You can ignore his texts, put the phone down on him, shut the door in his face, ignore everything except emails. He has no right to any kind of contact with you if you don't want any. If he keeps sending you texts asking for sex you can get a solicitor's letter sent to him and take things further if necessary.
The thing with arsehole men is not to waste time or energy trying to work out a way to make them behave reasonably: they won't. So it's a matter of disengaging, keeping everything to email and only about contact, and just laughing at them, really.

Wereonourway Sun 24-Feb-13 21:48:47

But I shall also ask her to write to him to ask "please refrain from offering sexual intercourse to our client, she does not wish to partake cos your tail is small

Wereonourway Sun 24-Feb-13 21:47:25

Oh I've got a MN old phone full of texts and a journal which I update weekly. As well as all texts in current phone.
Once I'm over the anxiety he causes me I think "what's in ds"s best interests", that's what outsiders will look at?
And I genuinely believe ds being with me the majority of the time having stories read and having baths together and going for walks and swimming etc IS best for him.
I'm going to keep that thought and hope solicitor agrees.
She will offer to write letter I'm sure, telling him to leave ne alone outside of handovers, telling him I'm not flexible on times or days and that he has not kept to these on x number of occasions.
I'm scare ld of pissing him off with a letter, I really am. But it has to be done cos I can't keep going like this

freddiemisagreatshag Sun 24-Feb-13 21:41:17

FGS don't delete any of the texts and keep a journal.

Ask the solicitor about access.

Wereonourway Sun 24-Feb-13 21:40:06

Ah Freddie that has made me smile, he has the power to make ne feel utterly utterly anxious and scared and nervous.
It's as if he wants more contact, when he hasn't stuck to what he has got.
I'm speaking to my solicitor tomorrow and I need to bring this all up. It's verging in harassment now(and that's without the electric sex texts--barf--)
Surely, surely if this goes to mediation and/or court he won't get more access will he?
That's what I'm really scared of, it already absolutely kills me to be away from ds for the times set now. I honestly couldn't handle more.
I've done everything for ds, ex doesn't even brush his teeth or bloody bath him!
Pls tell me he wouldn't get more access

freddiemisagreatshag Sun 24-Feb-13 21:35:59

Repeat after me

Fuck off cunty chops

He's an arse.

have wine and chocolate.

Wereonourway Sun 24-Feb-13 21:34:31

Bloody hell! Really want to scream!!!
All was well at handovers today, he then sent me a txt asking for sex, saying how electric it would be( ignored).
Then I get a text at 9pm telling me I don't know how lucky I am to have ds "all the time" and in my heart I must know how hard it is for him to only have him for "a few hrs a week".
For the record he has 2 overnights, from 4pm til 8.45am and then 6 hours every Sunday. That's if he doesn't cancel or cut short.
Why won't he leave me the fuck alone!?!
This is from someone who couldn't be arsed to care for ds when we were together, someone who has cancelled overnights four times in past 6 weeks and someone who has paid £40 child support since mid December!
Why does he do this to me? Why can't he see what's glaringly obvious?? That you get out what you put in?
I do "realise how lucky I am" actually, which is why I never cancel on my child, why I provide for him and spend time doing things with him and for him, it's why I've put him first before absolutely anything- none of which ex has ever ever done.
I hate how he makes me feel

freddiemisagreatshag Sun 24-Feb-13 15:08:00

Oh and Rob. I have reported your post as you use a disablist term which, generally, is against the talk guidelines on MN, so you might wish to rethink some of your terminology.

kittybiscuits Sun 24-Feb-13 15:06:25

...or a long walk off a short pier? grin

freddiemisagreatshag Sun 24-Feb-13 14:54:02

Rob you sound awfully angry and very upset, have you considered counselling?

RobDile197 Sun 24-Feb-13 14:49:08

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

cpots Sun 24-Feb-13 11:11:31

Glad rob message deleted ... Obviously not experienced what we all appear to be dealing with. Can only say mine is the same although have had some success stopping the ranty emails after sending a letter via solicitor about harassment.
My dc are old enough to contact him themselves although he never swaps when he can't have them ... Just can't have them - no discussion and I 'have to deal with it because they are my children and I have to out them first not myself' ,,,, err wtf I do that 90% of the time - pot and kettle - he is a true twunt!

Don't you have a Linedance or Monster Truck Festival to attend this evening Rob?

Quiet night in the trailer park?

Wereonourway Sat 23-Feb-13 21:53:36

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

TeaMakesItAllPossible Sat 23-Feb-13 21:51:41

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Shodan Sat 23-Feb-13 21:41:33

<blows raspberry at RobDile>

Some boys will always stay boys, sweetie. That's why women leave them, because they won't grow up.

These women frequently go on to marry men and live happy, fulfilled lives.

freddiemisagreatshag Sat 23-Feb-13 21:38:05

I would love to post what I really think of your post RobDile but that would get me deleted. And you aren't worth that.

RobDile197 Sat 23-Feb-13 21:33:11

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

MrsTomHardy Sat 23-Feb-13 12:10:27

Exactly Tea smile

I had a chat with DS this morning and said he needs to stand up for himself but I know it's going to be hard as XP is a moody, aggressive knob!!!

As he got DS to stay I bet they sat there saying how its all me telling DS not to stay, how DS didn't put up a fight so it's obv all my doing, I'm the bitch blah blah blah....all coming from someone who hasn't paid maintenance this year for his 2 dc's as he has his new family to think about now!

TeaMakesItAllPossible Sat 23-Feb-13 11:49:48

<squeezes *MrsTom>

And that's the thing isn't it - there is an age when you have to let the children deal with alone - I hope my genetics I've passed on, the behaviour I exhibit and the environment I've created will give my DS the strength to detach as he needs to and to fight the battles he wants to.

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