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at my wits end trying to co-parent with a manipulative abusive arse

(89 Posts)
sarahseashell Thu 21-Feb-13 17:30:44

just that really... doesn't matter HOW fucking reasonable/decent/mature I try to be, as I have consistently over the years since he left, it makes not a jot of difference because he just behaves like an arse and I have to suck it up so that dcs don't get caught in the middle
SO HARD sometimes angry
I know there are some on here who will get it, just wanted to share with the sisterhood
rant over

freddiemisagreatshag Sat 23-Feb-13 09:48:18

Lueji - I know, smile but he's an hour away and DD needs picked up and she'll be the one it impacts on, not him. which is how he gets me every time.

TeaMakesItAllPossible Sat 23-Feb-13 09:48:39

But he is the most important person on the planet. Along with my DS's father.

Detach. Smile and wave.

I have a much better weekend than anticipated. My DS has decided not to do his normal activity so I do not have to see or listen to smug snide shite <enjoys extra cup of tea>

TeaMakesItAllPossible Sat 23-Feb-13 09:52:30

Freddie do it this time but tell him about plans next weekend and don't help.

I found once I stepped out of this stage I got a social life and he managed and DS appreciates what I do because he doesn't always get it.

Wereonourway Sat 23-Feb-13 09:57:03

Well I've got a rant of my own now!!!
Ex has ds from ten until four every sunday(despite him binge drinking and being so hungover he just takes him to his grandmas)
So I've just had a text saying "what's ds doing today? I will take him out somewhere if he isn't doing much"
Erm no you won't! Today is Saturday, I am free to plan what I want and even if we are "doing nothing" I should be left in peace to do so.
Should I reply and if so what do I say?
I don't think I should, I have tried for weeks to spell it out to him that his times are his and mine are mine and that they shouldn't cross over etc.
Then he sends that!
I know people will say oh ds will enjoy himself so let him go BUT
He has had every Sunday for 3 months and has not once taken him to park, swimming, anywhere so why ask on my day? And also if u say yea once I make a rid for my own back?
Any suitable replies or just ignore ignore ignore

Lueji Sat 23-Feb-13 10:00:36

How would you have done it If he had been ill today?

If he makes her wait I'd still pick her up and let him go there for nothing.

Seriously, he should not be treating you like this.
And if it impacts the children they'll know who's responsible.

Standard answer: I can't, not possible, sorry.

Lueji Sat 23-Feb-13 10:04:39

I'd reply if he wants to swap Saturdays for Sundays, otherwise just say you have it covered, thank you.

Wereonourway Sat 23-Feb-13 10:09:43

Lueji he has tried to swap his overnights 7 times since mid January, I don't want to swap days as if I do it once he will think its free reign.
He has a seasons ticket at local club and surprise surprise they are playing away today and for once he isn't going.
He has only asked because he has nothing on, with a normal reasonable person I might be able to say "yeah ok, ds would love that".
Ex isn't like this. If I allow this now he will expect to be able to swap weekly, I'd done it once so have no reason not to.
I've set days and times up(his choice of days, around football fixtures) and just want them to be stuck to, that we we all, but most of all ds, know where we are. And also I ld like to enjoy my time with ds without feeling sick when I see the abusive twunts name pop up on my screen.
I wish flexibility was ok, it will all be on his terms I'm afraid and I don't think that will change

Lueji Sat 23-Feb-13 10:21:23

I meant permanently. As Sundays don't seem that good for him or your DC.
Unless you have a reason not to.

Wereonourway Sat 23-Feb-13 10:36:00

Ah I see, Saturdays would only work for ex between June and August as no football fixtures.
I'm fairly sure he will want to permanently swap for this months but I really do not want to work around the premier league fixture list.
I take ds swimming in a Friday and every week he moans that he can't take him swimming ever. I point out he has 6 hours every Sunday to do whatever he pleases.
When we first split he had him two different nights which we agreed to change because of football so the days he has now never clash with fixtures.
So really he has chosen these times, I also offered very other weekend and one night mid week, he refused this as he would have to give up his season ticket.
But I can well imagine he will say he is entitled to this come June when the season is over.
He just wants to do what suits him, he doesn't think about ds(who is only 2) or that a routine is important. He thinks I'm a fanny for thinking so.
It's also about my routine too. If like to be able to plan things weeks ahead and if I play by his rules I would constantly be seeking his permission.
I was in an abusive relationship with him for five yrs where every aspect of my life was controlled by him, he was never a father when we were together either to be honest.
Can count nappy changes on one hand. And he has never ever bathed ds alone, he maybe helped me three times in 18 months.
It's difficult but I've worked out sticking to my guns is only way I'm ever gonna have relative peace.
I have an appointment with my solicitor on no day to discuss his constant requests to change, the grief he gives me via text when I refuse and the fact that this grief is having an impact on me.
If he stuck to his times(which he is able to, it's possible) and left me alone after handovers all would be fine.
He also gets arsey at handovers, tried to discuss things in front of ds. I also refuse this.
I'm trying to remain calm and allow ds to benefit from having two happy parents who aren't at war. I'm certainly not at war with him, happy to not speak unless it involves ds etc but ex isn't like this.
He bombarded me with begging a cpl of weeks ago, to get back together with him. He left flowers on my doorstep etc. I got grief when I refused and ignored then too.
He asked me for casual sex(asked in front of ds) 2 weeks ago and then got stroppy when I said no thank you. Told me I must be getting elsewhere and if he found out he would go mental etc.
I'm off to build more camps with ds to cheer myself up!

thixotropic Sat 23-Feb-13 10:36:06

I'm not dealing with this Shit thank Fuck, but I am a grade A Obstructive Bastard if I do say so myself.

wereOn my advice would be one word, two letters.


Don't engage.

Good luck and stay strong (hugs)

TeaMakesItAllPossible Sat 23-Feb-13 11:04:59

Wereon in my experience the things you refer to about his relationship with you will get better - not least because he will one day he find himself a new victim partner. It is really hard but it will pass, as you say sticking to your boundaries is the key.

You're only six - 18 months into the journey. I had to say "I don't want to discuss this with you", "I am not your wife any more so I don't have to listen to this" and "No" so many times in the first eighteen months. Every now and again, even though he has a new wife, I still have to say to him "I'm not going to be spoken to like that" or "this is not a conversation I am prepared to have in front of DS, send me an email" and closed the door or walked off.

The issues with the football session won't go away - he will try it on each season/off season but one day you'll find it funny because you will be able to predict which date in the year it comes up.

Wereonourway Sat 23-Feb-13 11:26:39

Thank you tea.
In my heart I know I'm being reasonable, as defined by"normal" people
I've never withheld contact, ds is always ready for contact and I provide all his clothes etc so a bag is packed.
It's hard when every week I have to listen to how selfis I am, how unreasonable, how I'm preventing us getting on, he just wants peace(!), evrryyone thinks I'm a "nutter" for not swapping.
This week he had to work late on his contact night so he asked to swap.
This is the second time his swap requests have been work related. Out if seven. That was my reason for saying no.
That ds needs a routine, and so do I actually. I've repeated and repeated.
He told me this week that if look stupid in front of a solicitor(he hasn't got one, never bothered to consult one) and that I was doing my upmost to prevent him having a relationship with his son.
This is deposited me never being the one to cancel or rearrange, I'm sticking to terms we agreed (and that I had put in writing by way of solicitors letter).
He said he would go to mediation, I really don't know what he wants anymore. He has nights and the day which doesn't clash with anything, he has shown he struggles to keep to them but expects more!?
He's a knob, I know he's a knob and I know I'm doing right by myself and by ds BUT I really worry what courts view would be should it go that far.
Having never been in this situation(and absolutely hate "battling" over my gorgeous boy) I dread to think what will happen if it gets that far

MrsTomHardy Sat 23-Feb-13 11:44:16

I'm 10 years down the line and still get all the same game playing shite that all of you have written about on'd think XP would be bored of it by now but no sad

My DS is 11 next month and has decided on his own that this year he doesn't want to spend EOW sitting in his dads house with 7 other kids doing sod all so he told his dad on the phone that he only wanted to go for tea on Fridays if ok but not sleep there, XP agrees.....BUT when DS goes there for tea on Friday both XP and step-bitch give him a lecture on spending time with his dad blah blah blah so DS agrees to stay EOW Friday and come home sat evening!!!!
This wkend XP phones and says as step-bitch is going in to be induced sat morning does DS want to just go for tea on Friday or stay the night but come home early sat morning (lives 3 mins away), DS says just stay for tea......
When XP picks DS up DS comes back into house red faced and looking like he wanted to cry and says "dad says I'm staying the night"
It makes me so angry

DS has to learn to stand up to his dad, it's no good me getting involved as they already think its me telling DS....but I hate DS being bullied by his own dad....I've had 10 years of emotional abuse and twattery to deal with but he's not listening to his own son......
XP never communicates with me anyway and hasn't for 3 years since he's been with the latest wife!!!!

I wish they would just bugger off and leave us alone..

TeaMakesItAllPossible Sat 23-Feb-13 11:45:42

The thing is you have to get to the point where you think "why would I care what this knob thinks?" I still get emails telling I'm rude, unreasonable, selfish, providing me with an overview of what "friends" say about everything concerning his son's life. He says it as if his received opinion carries more weight in matters concerning my son than my own! And in his head that is true because he believes me to be stupid and unreasonable and it be my fault that he abused me. The alternative though is for him is to face up to the fact he is an abuser and he's a knob so he won't.

So I just smirk and rant at my friends. As a result his friends and family think I'm a knob, mine think his is a knob. I don't care about everyone recognising the abuse I suffered any more. I am just thankful it has been greatly reduced to the 10 minutes a week when I need to interact with him. I'm glad it is now just EA rather than the other stuff.

So what I think I'm saying is if it goes to court worry about it, but don't worry about something that hasn't happened yet. And as I understand it, as long as you are meeting the terms you both agreed - so you never prevent it happening on the agreed day or time - then you've up-held your side of the agreement.

If you do go to mediation with him I would recommend getting some specific advice about how to brief your advocates, the mediator and how to protect yourself. I never went there because I felt I'd heard enough about my failings to last a life time.

TeaMakesItAllPossible Sat 23-Feb-13 11:49:48

<squeezes *MrsTom>

And that's the thing isn't it - there is an age when you have to let the children deal with alone - I hope my genetics I've passed on, the behaviour I exhibit and the environment I've created will give my DS the strength to detach as he needs to and to fight the battles he wants to.

MrsTomHardy Sat 23-Feb-13 12:10:27

Exactly Tea smile

I had a chat with DS this morning and said he needs to stand up for himself but I know it's going to be hard as XP is a moody, aggressive knob!!!

As he got DS to stay I bet they sat there saying how its all me telling DS not to stay, how DS didn't put up a fight so it's obv all my doing, I'm the bitch blah blah blah....all coming from someone who hasn't paid maintenance this year for his 2 dc's as he has his new family to think about now!

RobDile197 Sat 23-Feb-13 21:33:11

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

freddiemisagreatshag Sat 23-Feb-13 21:38:05

I would love to post what I really think of your post RobDile but that would get me deleted. And you aren't worth that.

Shodan Sat 23-Feb-13 21:41:33

<blows raspberry at RobDile>

Some boys will always stay boys, sweetie. That's why women leave them, because they won't grow up.

These women frequently go on to marry men and live happy, fulfilled lives.

TeaMakesItAllPossible Sat 23-Feb-13 21:51:41

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Wereonourway Sat 23-Feb-13 21:53:36

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Don't you have a Linedance or Monster Truck Festival to attend this evening Rob?

Quiet night in the trailer park?

cpots Sun 24-Feb-13 11:11:31

Glad rob message deleted ... Obviously not experienced what we all appear to be dealing with. Can only say mine is the same although have had some success stopping the ranty emails after sending a letter via solicitor about harassment.
My dc are old enough to contact him themselves although he never swaps when he can't have them ... Just can't have them - no discussion and I 'have to deal with it because they are my children and I have to out them first not myself' ,,,, err wtf I do that 90% of the time - pot and kettle - he is a true twunt!

RobDile197 Sun 24-Feb-13 14:49:08

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freddiemisagreatshag Sun 24-Feb-13 14:54:02

Rob you sound awfully angry and very upset, have you considered counselling?

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