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I've come to the end of my road with H

(14 Posts)
catkin14 Tue 19-Feb-13 22:47:23

Hi, new here and just need to know i am not alone...
Been married 26 years, H a very controlling man, sulking when doesnt get own way/not enough attention. He says i do things just to annoy him or make him angry.
We have no friends because he doesnt like entertaining, just sits in front of tv and this includes all our 3 (now nearly grownup) childrens birthday parties.

He never tells our children how well they have done something, doesnt even know where our middle son lives or what his phone number is.
He has no interest in any of them, never speaks to them unless they contact him first.
All he does is work and is obsessed by money and people that earn a lot of money and then sulks because i am taking our youngest DC out because its half term..and he feels left out..

We have moved house to the place of his dreams, I thought maybe if we had a new start things would be better for us, but because it has moved us away from what little life of my own that i had and all our youngest DC friends it has made it all a 1000 times worse. And I now see how things really are.
I do not love or respect this man, much of the time i do not even believe he is human because of the little humanity he shows to any one.
The way he has treated our children over the years has left me numb, and any suggestion to him that he could do things a little different just results in heavy silences and 'i can never do anything right, you always take their sides' rants.

So I am leaving him. Why do I feel so guilty?
Please excuse this if it all a ramble, hard to put many years of misery in a post so that it doesnt sound like wingeing..

CailinDana Tue 19-Feb-13 22:50:21

26 years is a very long time, you're bound to feel guilty and upset. But from what you say you are doing absolutely the right thing by leaving him. He has made your life miserable and you've put up with it for far too long. Leaving him will be hard, but it will be worth it.

What's your plan?

LemonDrizzled Tue 19-Feb-13 23:00:04

You feel guilty because you have seen it as your responsibility to keep him happy for so long. And you are conditioned to respond to his sulks and disapproval by jumping back into line. So taking the decision to leave is going to trigger a massive escalation of (his) bad behaviour and you are going to have to be very strong to resist the pressure.

Stick to your guns! You can do this! Have a picture in your head of the happy friendly house you and the DC can share and work towards it in some way every day.

maras2 Tue 19-Feb-13 23:03:06

Good luck,Catkin.He sounds a complete nightmare and you sound lovely.You and your children will be so much happier without him.It sounds as if he sucks the joy out of all aspects of your life.More knowledgeable wise women will be along soon to give you good and practical advice.Best wishes Mx.

catkin14 Tue 19-Feb-13 23:10:28

Thankyou! didnt expect replies so quickly!
I think some of my guilt is also because he tells me he loves me so much - but i see no evidence of it, so small acts of kindness like even getting me a cup of tea etc.
LemonDrizzled - you have hit nail on head! that is exactly it! And if he is not happy, that is my fault.

my plan is to rent a house, get some money sorted and myself sorted, I have had legal advice, and then tell him. This is scaring the cr*p out of me but once it is done I will be ok I think - although he will try to manipulate youngest DC into a guilt trip about leaving him all alone.
I can imagine my life without him, and cannot wait! I just have to do it now, I have tried 3 times before and failed but life is passing me by and this situation cannot go on.

Damash12 Wed 20-Feb-13 05:11:17

Oh I wish you every success in your new exciting life. You go for it and think about all the fab fantastic things you are going to get to do and more importantly imagine the atmosphere you'll be in.. Calm, relaxed and about living again. Good for you, he sounds a complete twat who has neglected you to the point that it has come to this so don't spare him too much sympathy, surely he knew what he was doing to you and the kids? Good luck and keep us posted x

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 20-Feb-13 07:53:24

"So I am leaving him. Why do I feel so guilty?"

Because it's always hard to admit defeat when you've invested so much emotion, time, patience and work in something that has not been reciprocated. You've spent far too long mistakenly believing you're responsible for his happiness and well-being... and that's a tough habit to break. So you'll feel bad for a while because you'll have various regrets but, because you've finally taken control of your own life and given him back responsibility for his, I think you'll adjust very quickly. A fiver says you look back a few months from now and wonder why you waited so long.

Very best of luck

Hissy Wed 20-Feb-13 08:54:09

Oh god yes! What cogito said!

Go you! I can see you in your new house, happy, relaxed and laughing. You are overdue that!

Walkacrossthesand Wed 20-Feb-13 09:00:03

You mention that you've tried to leave 3 times before, and not managed it. Is it worth looking at how you got hooked back in, those times, and making special preparation to be ready to resist? So that this can be the 'forever time'?

GloryWhole Wed 20-Feb-13 09:09:10

You are doing exactly the right thing by leaving him.
I'm excited on your behalf for the life that you're going to be able to lead without him.

Be strong. You can do this. You need to do this.

Best of luck.

ImperialBlether Wed 20-Feb-13 09:50:48

I thought my daughter would be guilt tripped into staying with her dad and it would have been the worst thing in the world for her. I told them both they had no choice, that they would stay with me and see their dad whenever they wanted. I said if they wanted to go for a week they could, or every other night, but they would live with me. No option.

Perhaps you could say that to your youngest?

Btw in the end they have spent two nights with him in the last ten years. That tells you something, doesn't it?

laptopcomputer Wed 20-Feb-13 09:54:36

OP, I am in the same place as you. Been married 10 yesra, my H sounds similar to your but not quite as bad (yet). He is on a charm offenive at the moment because he knows I am thinking I have had enough. It is making me feel guilty, even though I know he would only be nice for a few weeks if I didn't leave him. I am going to try and tell him this weekend. Good Luck!

Hesterton Wed 20-Feb-13 10:06:00

You feel guilty because you know he will go to pieces when you leave. But that's what he needs, a kick up the bum to sort himself out - he's blown his chances really hasn't he after all these years and a fresh start. In the meantime, find your new home, get on with your own life, it's 100 times less lonely being single than it is being with someone like him.

catkin14 Wed 20-Feb-13 15:50:54

I really appreciate all this support!
As has been said on many replies, he has always made it my responsibility to see that he is happy - that involves very little if any effort on his part. And so when he is unhappy it must be because of something i have said/done or the way i have dressed or seeing friends ad infinitum!

He is a very articulate intelligent executive and because of this we have a lovely house/cars/animals etc and to the outside world he is a charming man, but this is not the man we live with. It makes me question myself all the time thinking it must be me, I must have got it wrong somewhere.
But the feeling for him is long gone and i cant and dont want it back.
my last remaining worry is for my son who will be starting his gcse's in september. He is doing so well at school and i would feel very bad if us leaving would upset this. But he will going to a village where all his friends and school is, so i hope that will help him.

I went back to H approx 15 years ago after he persuaded me that it was for the best for our elder 2 children, that he would be a good dad. This lasted approx 6 months and now they are both in their 20s and have nothing much at all to do with him or contact at all.

To be able to write this all and to see that others have been through this and that i am not alone, even if in cyberspace, is very comforting. Thank you all.

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