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what if dh tells you hes wanking?

(108 Posts)
arabellaandbaby Tue 19-Feb-13 22:36:05

i dont know where to start and havent told anyone in RL as im too embarrassed and ashamed.

my dh has told me recently that hes really unhappy with our sex life. his sex drive is much higher than mine and i often turn him away as im so tired physically and mentally from working such long hours and also looking after our 3yo dd. dh also works long hours but doesnt seem fazed by it at all.

last night, he basically admitted to me that hes been 'pleasuring himself' because he doesnt get enough from me. i told him i cant do it when im so tired and stressed after a long day at work but he said he loves me, and has to resort to sorting himself out in order not to stray. he said to me he now understands why many men stray when in a relationship that does not satisfy them sexually as men are built to need sex.

i feel so unhappy that i cant satisfy his needs. he says he doesnt want to force me when clearly, my body language is telling him im not in the mood.

what do i do? hes starting to question whether i lov hin

NotSoNervous Tue 19-Feb-13 22:39:00

Does he ever make an effort to "get you in the mood"? Or how about just taking some time out to cuddle/relax together?

I think the more importance you put on "we need t o h ave sex we need to have sex" the more awkward and unwanted it will become for y ou

kalidanger Tue 19-Feb-13 22:40:32

Whys he not knackered? Does he look after DD?

krimbles Tue 19-Feb-13 22:41:19

If you are not having sex with your husband, were you surprised to find out he has been wanking? What is he supposed to do?

sausagesandwich34 Tue 19-Feb-13 22:46:05

I wouldn't be upset if he told me he was wanking although sometimes it's a bit too much information!

I would be upset if he laid in bed next to me wanking like my ex did, freak!

masturbation is perfectly normal, and reasonable response to differing sex drives

what's not nice however, is him hinting that he 'understands' why men cheat -it's almost as if he is creating and excuse, blaming you......for him possibly cheating

what's he like the rest of the time

LittleEdie Tue 19-Feb-13 23:22:39

What's wrong with him wanking?

hmc Tue 19-Feb-13 23:23:45

Masturbation - perfectly normal

DebbieLovesDallas Tue 19-Feb-13 23:27:34

I wouldn't have a problem with him wanking, perfectly normal. I would have a problem with this though, "has to resort to sorting himself out in order not to stray. he said to me he now understands why many men stray when in a relationship that does not satisfy them sexually as men are built to need sex." hmm So he's trying to make you feel guilty for not giving him enough sex, and he's apparently being such a martyr by helpfully wanking so he doesn't go out and shag someone else. hmm Maybe he should be thinking about helping you out more, so you're not so tired. And then thinking about how he can please you in bed rather than it just being about him getting his rocks off.

wannaBe Tue 19-Feb-13 23:29:08

so how often is it you do actually have sex?

Because while masturbation is entirely normal, the upset over comments about men cheating/him being unhappy with your sex life would depend IMO on the frequency (or lack thereof) of sex on your part.

If you are say, having sex once/twice a week, then he is being unreasonable to go on about why men cheat/how unhappy he is. However if it's say, only once/twice a month or less then he is being less unresonable. So while tiredness is understandable, if you are majorly rejecting your dh physically then perhaps you do need to address it.

FidgetPie Tue 19-Feb-13 23:32:11

I wouldn't and d

FidgetPie Tue 19-Feb-13 23:35:50

Stupid phone posted too soon, sorry!
I wouldn't and don't have a problems with DH wanking and neither does he have a problem with me doing so.
However, the comments about straying are a bit odd and I also think he should be doing more around the house and with your DD if he is so refreshed and you are so tired.

Tortington Tue 19-Feb-13 23:36:31

this isn't about masturbation at all

this is about manipulation

my dh can have a wank if he wants - its got nothing to do with him 'straying'

this is like saying 'have sex with me more becuase if you dont i might just fuck someone else'

which is bullshit.

THIS IS NOTHING to do with wanking

Tortington Tue 19-Feb-13 23:37:02

oh and i can masturbate too if i want -never been tempted to stray

Binfullofmaggotsonth45 Tue 19-Feb-13 23:40:44

Perfectly normal to masturbate, and I'd recommend it for you too, really helps me get into a deep sleep if I'm overtired. I don't have a problem with my dh doing it infront of me, if I'm too knackered, as long as he asks if it's okay.

As for the comments, he is being an arse to put that pressure on you. It's passive aggressive IMO. He's blaming you when he should be looking at himself.

Perhaps if he gave you some time to yourself in the evenings you might rest, relax and get in the mood a bit more.

OrangeLily Tue 19-Feb-13 23:40:51

There is nothing wrong with wanking.

There is nothing wrong with discussing your sex life (or lack of)

But he is pressurising you in the wrong way.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Feb-13 23:42:00

I wouldn't be bothered about him wanking

But I would be bothered by the emotional manipulation and implied threats that he will go off and fuck someone else if you don't put out

I would also tell him that the more he pressurised me, and tried to make me feel guilty about his "needs" the longer it would take for me to feel remotely interested in him sexually

he sounds like the sort of bloke who isn't too bothered about females enjoying sex, that they are there simply as a receptacle for spunk and to wash the dishes

a big porn-user, is he ?

hmc Tue 19-Feb-13 23:44:47

True - the implied threats are out of order. He'd do better trying to woo you into bed by respecting you more, helping you out when you are tired and frazzled and generally being caring rather than attempting to coerce you into bed

cronullansw Tue 19-Feb-13 23:53:19

Op's DH should get a gold star, not criticism.

It's not manipulation, he's politely saying, ''currently, my loving and caring partner, to whom I feel so tightly emotionally connected I can discuss this most intimate of things, we aren't doing it enough, so until things change for the better, I'll be over here having a quiet rub and tug. Let me know when you want to get back on board. Oh, and by the way, I can see now why some OTHER men feel the need to stray.'

Op - if he were planning on covertly heading on out to get his dick wet - do you honestly think he'd warn you about it first?'

In the meantime, get a key logger on his computer, find all his email passwords and PIN numbers, get a tracker on his car, read all his SMS's and emails while he's in the shower and appoint a really vicious solicitor - you know, just in case.....

Binfullofmaggotsonth45 Wed 20-Feb-13 00:04:37

He may not be covertly planning it, but he could be trying to stir up the worry in his wife's mind that if she does fail to put out then he would only be doing what a lot of other men are "forced" do.

So to me he sounds like he is making pre warning suggestions, and making her feel guilty.

Why did he even need to proudly tell her he was wanking anyway? Was he expecting a reward chart for it and a star for every time he cracked one out and didn't pester her??

How about a little understanding about why she doesn't feel the energy to reciprocate and a little help to get her energy levels back up?

LittleEdie Wed 20-Feb-13 00:07:13

Yeah, to TBH I don't like his tone. But then you seem genuinely bothered that he's wanking. It seems odd that you feel that reflects on you, it doesn't.

MrsMushroom Wed 20-Feb-13 00:12:57

Cronull....adults don't get gold stars for good behaviour. The OPs DH has admitted to "resorting" to wanking as though wanking is's not. It's normal He's also threatened to be unfaithful in a roundabout way...due to her being unable to fancy him atm.

He's not getting any stars.

badinage Wed 20-Feb-13 00:39:42

men are built to need sex.

And what are women built for? Flower arranging? A bit of light embroidery?

Or perhaps working long hours, caring for a 3 year old and having a broom up their arses so that they can sweep the floor as well?

This isn't about wanking. It's about a manipulative wanker who's put you on notice that when he cheats (if he hasn't already), he will consider it your fault.

Don't fall for it.

TheSmallerPenguin Wed 20-Feb-13 00:45:41

Focus on sorting out what has gone wrong in your relationship, not on the wanking. Wanking is normal. Not wanking is very abnormal.

differentnameforthis Wed 20-Feb-13 05:00:15

and has to resort to sorting himself out in order not to stray. he said to me he now understands why many men stray when in a relationship that does not satisfy them sexually as men are built to need sex

ALL that is crap. Men stray because they want to, not because they don't get it at home. A lot of men who stray DO get it at home! So tell him to stop making you feel guilty & to stop spouting crap.

Sounds like he is trying to justify/is already having an having an affair.

I don't see any issues with anyone sorting themselves out, it is completely natural. I do have a problem with his justification for doing so & also wondering why he felt he needed to point it out to you!

differentnameforthis Wed 20-Feb-13 05:09:41


I bet he is almost certainly NOT thinking all that! He is thinking he isn't getting sex & if he tells his wife that he has to "resort" to wanking because she doesn't have sex with him. The two are worlds apart!

If he was doing it for the reasons you state, he wouldn't need to inform op of the fact.

If we go through a dry spell, my dh just does what he has to. He doesn't feel the need to remind me that we aren't having sex, whilst carefully wording it as if he is doing me a favour, like, you know...wanking instead of fucking someone else!

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