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I'm pretty sure DH has had a fling. What do I do now?

(154 Posts)
HmmmWhatAMess Tue 19-Feb-13 07:42:39

Firstly I have namechanged. I haven't told a soul about this and from my posts under another name I could be identified.

Ok, DH works in the UK but regularly travels abroad. I have never had any reason not to trust him, whilst here and when he was away. He's always been a good dad - although sometimes has a short fuse. With me if has always been my biggest fan, even though we have had some tough times adjusting to becoming a family.

This time if was gone longer than normal and tbh I was a bit concerned how he would cope without the dc's and I. I needn't have worried. In fact he even said on the phone how much if was enjoying it/been out drinking and clubbing with 4 girls from his hotel (alone) and also mostly with the group of men that he was working with. I encouraged him to make the most of his evenings because due to childcare he doesn't get out much. Also, I have a close male friend so I thought it couldn't be one rule for one and not the other.

So if has come back. Has about 5 photos on his phone of him and a young woman. A few are close ups of her face (in one she is wearing his hat). Others are taken in the hotel she works in (the one in which he stayed) with their arms around each other. He showed me these saying he had nothing to hide.

His phone hasn't left his side for the week that he has been back. I have discovered that he wiped messages from his work mobile that he sent to his personal and left just one with her email address on. If has also signed up to WhatsApp and deleted all old texts. He has received 120 and sent 65.

HmmmWhatAMess Fri 01-Mar-13 10:40:35

Thanks for thinking about me. Its a strange place to be at the moment. DH knows in not happy wit what has unfolded in the past few weeks although I think he thinks he is off the hook.

I have confided in someone and they were in shock as much as me. My DH has always been my champion and biggest fan. Yes, we have had ups and downs but they thought we were tight and are in as much shock as me.

With my limited tech knowledge I can see that they are corresponding on WhatsApp. Their status' correspond. Its almost like a cryptic code that seems innocent but its not. If also updates his status as to what he is doing (eg. "busy at work") so I'm guessing that this gives his location thus letting her know he is contactable. All there stupid status' - he's on fb and never updates those. Interestingly a few weeks ago if took the photo of the both of us off his fb profile and changed it to one of himself.

He has also signed up for an instant talk message app on Monday which he deleted when he got home. Whether he sets this up at work to chat and deletes when he comes home I don't know. She also has a picture on twitter of the two of them - the one with them looking so happy and comfortable in each others company.

I think abit you asked if she was a sex worker. She is a married barmaid who is aware of the kids and myself. She has a 3yr old.

Oh angel, I'm sorry that you are going through similar. Its good that he has been honest. I foot want to put a negative spin on it but my DH's 'honesty' hasn't been honest. I have a feeling that some men will fess up and some do damage limitation. Please keep your wits about you. This snooping thing is consuming but I feel that its the only way to get the bigger picture. Please feel free to keep posting on here if you want and do read everyones advice. It really has been a good outlet for me, and the advice -as much as I knew it was - is right. You could set up your own thread if you would prefer.

I had a chat with him the other day. I told him that should she make any contact in any way I must know. I explained anything else is unacceptable to me. He agreed. Its my way of laying down the boundaries and my justification for kicking him out. As posters have said its the only way. I am sitting back, collecting my evidence and waiting for him to hang himself.

I feel stronger by the day; although I still feel very vulnerable . I'm not scared of being a lone parent or not having a man and he will realise this soon enough.

Thisisaeuphemism Fri 01-Mar-13 10:54:07

Oh hmm, this is sad.

How painful this must be for you. Its evident from your posts that you have moved from "I love him no matter what" to "I will not be treated like this" and its really sad to read the change you have had to go through.

What a twat he is, to put you through this, to throw away the love and trust that you once had. I really dislike the fecker.

I'm glad you have confided in a friend. RL support is so important. Its good you are feeling stronger. Knowledge is power isn't it. But what a shit thing to know sad

Hope you're gathering all the financial/legal info you need too.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 01-Mar-13 11:52:34

Sounds like he is so absorbed into his fantasy list fuelled bubble, addicted to OW's ego strokes. It must be so hard watching him disrespect your boundaries and throwing away everything - please don't leave it too long before confronting him.

angel1976 Fri 01-Mar-13 13:15:42

Hmmm Just a short post from me. I am glad you came back and posted. Even though my DH has 'ended things' with the OW. I don't feel his heart is in making us work. However, we had a really honest talk last night and we both know we owe it to us and to our children to at least try. He has promised that we will maintain status quo (in as much as me staying in the house and him providing as much as he can financially so the kids 'don't suffer' while we work things out) if things do end up that way. I feel more assured about it. I know at the end of the day, I will do all I can to not hurt my children.

The in-laws got told yesterday of their DS's behaviour and though I know their loyalty will always be with him, they have already messaged me pledging their support to me and to us regardless and I am grateful of that.

I am more accepting today of eventualities. I have told another friend and she is shocked but again, I feel very lucky I am surrounded by people who love and support me and I feel better about coming through this stronger regardless of the conclusion. Fingers crossed for you. It's hard to be in limbo. On the positive side, I haven't eaten all week and I have the flattest stomach since I got pregnant! grin

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