Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I'm pretty sure DH has had a fling. What do I do now?

(154 Posts)
HmmmWhatAMess Tue 19-Feb-13 07:42:39

Firstly I have namechanged. I haven't told a soul about this and from my posts under another name I could be identified.

Ok, DH works in the UK but regularly travels abroad. I have never had any reason not to trust him, whilst here and when he was away. He's always been a good dad - although sometimes has a short fuse. With me if has always been my biggest fan, even though we have had some tough times adjusting to becoming a family.

This time if was gone longer than normal and tbh I was a bit concerned how he would cope without the dc's and I. I needn't have worried. In fact he even said on the phone how much if was enjoying it/been out drinking and clubbing with 4 girls from his hotel (alone) and also mostly with the group of men that he was working with. I encouraged him to make the most of his evenings because due to childcare he doesn't get out much. Also, I have a close male friend so I thought it couldn't be one rule for one and not the other.

So if has come back. Has about 5 photos on his phone of him and a young woman. A few are close ups of her face (in one she is wearing his hat). Others are taken in the hotel she works in (the one in which he stayed) with their arms around each other. He showed me these saying he had nothing to hide.

His phone hasn't left his side for the week that he has been back. I have discovered that he wiped messages from his work mobile that he sent to his personal and left just one with her email address on. If has also signed up to WhatsApp and deleted all old texts. He has received 120 and sent 65.

Exactly Coppertop! It is soooo much easier on the children to try and act normal and in love whilst you work through the reasons why your husband cheated, and trust is such an easy thing to gain back quickly. hmm

Mimishimi Sat 23-Feb-13 22:23:03

Sorry but if he's asked you not to contact her, it sounds like he's more worried that she will find out about you than he is worried you will find out what shenanigans they got up to. She quite probably doesn't know you exist.

AgathaF Sun 24-Feb-13 07:58:32

Have him checked regularly - like taking the dog to the vets for his yearly check-up and vacc? That kind of thing? FFS.

perceptionreality Sun 24-Feb-13 10:31:34

I expect Rob will be going back to school on Monday...

Abitwobblynow Sun 24-Feb-13 12:40:22

Yeah, Rob, I know you would love it if your other half dolled themselves up for a bit of sex worker trade.

She might even give your boss a blow job! Your colleagues would know what her snatch looked and felt like. Your friends could give her one from behind. The money would come in handy...

I mean, it doesn't mean anything, does it!

RobDile197 Sun 24-Feb-13 20:02:01

There is obviously a desperate campaign on this forum to silence my voice. I am not allowed to say my say without being culled off. How democratic is that?! Okay, I accept this may be for single mums and all that, but I am certain that there are people who are willing to read my posts and decide if I am wrong or right. How will you earn the respect of people whose views you want to kill at all costs? Any wonder why there is so much hatred and acrimony in relationships?

RobDile197 Sun 24-Feb-13 20:02:47

Perceptionreality, I am indeed going to school. To teach.

Thisisaeuphemism Sun 24-Feb-13 20:51:15

Hi hmm, hope you doing ok and there is more clarity...

LineRunner Sun 24-Feb-13 21:55:14

Just report to MNHQ if people break the guidelines and let MNHQ do the rest.

NanaNina Sun 24-Feb-13 22:18:26

RobDile I am glad to see that MN HQ has deleted your post. There is no "desperate campaign" on here to silence your voice, but there are posters who are going to take issue with your comments. MN are very clear about which posts are deleted and they have seen fit to delete yours. In your post above, you make another offensive comment "OK I accept this might be for single mums and all that..........." You appear to be differentiating between single mums and married ones and that is discriminating behaviour, which is in fact unlawful.
I think if you are interested in people respecting each other's views, may I suggest that you desist from make inflammatory comments and trivialising the position of women who are in distress related to their relationships.

How concerning that you are a teacher - what do you teach "medieval history"

LineRunner Sun 24-Feb-13 22:20:31

Just ignore it.

NanaNina Sun 24-Feb-13 22:33:35

Yes LineRunner that's our usual tactic and I'm definitely in favour as it detracts from the support we are trying to give to the OP.

HmmmWhatAMess Mon 25-Feb-13 14:40:33

Its much the same here. They are definitely in contact. I couldn't sleep and checked his WhatsApp in the middle of the night. He then called me to tell me if knew I was snooping in the early hours. The only way if would know that is if someone had gone into his individual profile. Also, I was drying my hair upstairs so left the dryer running but sneaked a look at him downstairs (with the help of a mirrored photoframe on the stairs). If was on WhatsApp and then was looking at a photo of her.

I know the twitter ruled because IGoogle searched the first past of her email. Its definitely her and I know that he is not a follower because they all mainly seem to be Asian young women. I don't want to contact her on there because it feels like some of the things on there are adding evidence to my case IYSWIM?

He said that he is worried about this consuming me. I told him that I was checking for his messages that he deleted to prove his innocence. There was only one way to remedy that and to ask her to email the conversation. He said I asked him to sever contact so its not a possibility. I said that as far as I was concerned it was an admission of guilt.

The dc are 5 and 3 nana. So far they are faring well. To be honest I don't think they realise anything. This May be the end of our relationship but I do not want to give them any ill feelings towards their dad or for them to see any tension at home.

I wish I was coming on here being super strong and following but of your excellent advice but I can't and haven't. Not yet anyway.

HmmmWhatAMess Mon 25-Feb-13 14:42:18

Sorry about the typos. Its this flippin phone.

Littleturkish Mon 25-Feb-13 14:47:07

Hmmmm this sounds bad- I didn't quite follow the still in contact part- are they still messaging each other?

Did you tell him you saw him looking at her picture?

I am so angry for you.

I think you need to ask him to leave.

Me23 Mon 25-Feb-13 14:54:53

I have been following your thread. You deserve to know the truth I think it's clear something has happened and the face he is still contacting her behind your back shows it was more than a friendship you can't let him get away with this. Also angry on your behalf.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 25-Feb-13 15:06:22

Oh dear...he is taking the piss isn't he.

This is because he thinks he can get away with it and has lost respect for you - you need to take control, tell him that you deserve to be loved and respected and that he needs to go to give you space to consider your future.

This is your only chance of bursting that lust fuelled fantasy bubble - he is far too addicted to ego strokes of OW and needs to feel real consequences.

NanaNina Mon 25-Feb-13 16:12:23

Agree with you MAHC - sounds like he is infatuated and cannot resist the flattery of another woman, especially if she is younger. Maybe she thinks she will get money from him if she keeps up the flattery as it did sound like she was maybe a "sex worker" in some part of Asia. Didn't really understand all about apps and twitter but that's just me. BUT this is going nowhere isn't it if she is on the other side of the will fizzle out no doubt when one or other gets tired of the only communication they can have. BUT where does that leave you............he will most certainly have lost any trust you have in him and in some cases that is never restored and that in itself can bring about the break up of a relationship.

Trouble is about taking control is that when you are emotionally very vulnerable and anxious that's the time when you are least able to be calm and rational and take control. THat's why you can't come on here feeling super strong and following advice - ye know what - it's called being human!
You must feel like you are in some sort of mad maze that yu can't get out of.
He thinks this is consuming you - sounds like classic projection to me. Well in a way you are both consumed but in different way, him in keeping up contact with this woman and you in trying to find evidence.

Yes I agree it is an admission of guilt for him to say you want him to sever contact and that's not possible of course it's bloody possible - he doesn't want to do it.

Glad the little ones aren't getting caught up in this though they usually sense more than we realise.

Keep posting if it helps......and I wish people would stop telling you to "get rid" or whatever. That is easy to tap onto a screen but life isn't that simple. Mind I suspect the end for you might come later when this is over and you will never trust him again.

AgathaF Mon 25-Feb-13 17:23:20

How awful for you. You must feel very frustrated to still not have the full truth from him.

Does he understand why this is consuming you?

What do you plan to do next?

Thisisaeuphemism Mon 25-Feb-13 17:59:46

I'm sorry to hear this, hmmm.

He says its consuming you, yet he persists on contacting her? Dreadful.

It sounds like you feel you need proof before you make a move. The contempt he is displaying for you right now though is certainly a valid reason to suggest he goes, if that's what you want, of course.

Stay strong.

Abitwobblynow Mon 25-Feb-13 18:12:25

Oh dear, this is bringing back horrible memories. They have definitely f-ed, and he is addicted to her.

Whilst he is in the thralls of lust-crazed dementia (and choosing her), there is nothing you can do, not do, say, not say to get him out of it.

Time to throw him out, Hmmm. And let his work know.

My advice to you? (which I am doing 3 years too late). Live as though he is never coming back. WHATEVER he is doing.

Me23 Thu 28-Feb-13 17:05:26

How are you hmm have you and dh spoken any more about this?

cjel Thu 28-Feb-13 18:49:59

Hmm, hope you are ok?

angel1976 Thu 28-Feb-13 21:49:48

Hmmm Just wanted to say you are not the only one going through this. My DH has just admitted to having 'a spark' with someone he works with, I call it an emotional affair. Our marriage hasn't been great for a while but I never thought it would come to this. To his credit, he has instigated the ending of all contact with the other OW on Monday. But I am so angry he let is it get to that point. My DCs are 5 and 3 too. DH is in his early 30s, I am in my mid 30s and we have been married coming up to 10 years so your situation resonates with mine. I really hope you will come back on here to tell us how you are getting on. DH and I have been absolutely honest with each other and there have been so very emotional chats and right at this point of time, I am hoping we will make it but I am not sure we will. Hugs to you.

cjel Thu 28-Feb-13 22:02:35

so sad angel. hugs to you too.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now