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I'm pretty sure DH has had a fling. What do I do now?

(154 Posts)
HmmmWhatAMess Tue 19-Feb-13 07:42:39

Firstly I have namechanged. I haven't told a soul about this and from my posts under another name I could be identified.

Ok, DH works in the UK but regularly travels abroad. I have never had any reason not to trust him, whilst here and when he was away. He's always been a good dad - although sometimes has a short fuse. With me if has always been my biggest fan, even though we have had some tough times adjusting to becoming a family.

This time if was gone longer than normal and tbh I was a bit concerned how he would cope without the dc's and I. I needn't have worried. In fact he even said on the phone how much if was enjoying it/been out drinking and clubbing with 4 girls from his hotel (alone) and also mostly with the group of men that he was working with. I encouraged him to make the most of his evenings because due to childcare he doesn't get out much. Also, I have a close male friend so I thought it couldn't be one rule for one and not the other.

So if has come back. Has about 5 photos on his phone of him and a young woman. A few are close ups of her face (in one she is wearing his hat). Others are taken in the hotel she works in (the one in which he stayed) with their arms around each other. He showed me these saying he had nothing to hide.

His phone hasn't left his side for the week that he has been back. I have discovered that he wiped messages from his work mobile that he sent to his personal and left just one with her email address on. If has also signed up to WhatsApp and deleted all old texts. He has received 120 and sent 65.

Bluemary3000 Wed 20-Feb-13 22:01:25

My dh had a very drunken intimate night with someone last year. He came clean very quickly after it happened, I would never have found out. I chose to forgive him. I thought I would forget easily enough too. That however was a massive mis judgement on my part. I do check his phone from time to time, demand to know where he is. Remind him of his husband and fatherly duties. You may find that you do become the paranoid woman at home that gets jealous and reads into things that really don't matter. I trust by dh as I firmly believe that it would never happen again, so I know it's in my head. Just be warned those feelings might start. I'm working through it and it is better.
We too married v young and are nearly 20yrs down the line. The whole thing has made us re-evaluate our marriage, our friendship, what we want, expect and need from each other. I have also realised I'm much stronger in character than I thought I was.
Good luck to you, if you believe he is telling the truth and you both want to make it work. Take each day as it comes, be honest and time will heal the emotional wounds.

HmmmWhatAMess Thu 21-Feb-13 11:05:01

I'm still here and reading your posts. I must admit that it makes for uncomfortable reading because what some of you say may be correct. I hope not. I sway from one minute thinking it was rather stupid of him to be so naive in thinking it was a friendship to wondering when would it stop? There would have been no opportunity for anything physical to happen, she is on the other side of the world, but she would have supplied him with emotions that were wrong. I told him last night that I want the DS's and myself to be inside his head and heart - not her.

Its almost as if he at times thinks I have over reacted. When asked how his day went yesterday (as he came home looking glum) he said that he felt awful for her. I asked what the f**k about me?

She's on twitter. I know I said that I would not get obsessive about this but I fear I may. She refers to him in her tweets, asking for her friend to see if he is on MySpace, that she doesn't want him to go, that its `finished`. I'm not on twitter and neither is he but gathered that much. I also struggled with the Indonesian/Malay/slang. I have no idea if this is her imagination or the other.

He said about my male friend and that he was fine about it. I showed him my messages from him; which were just "have a nice trip away, see you when you get back. X" kind of thing. I don't delete them. I also said that I don't find him attractive and he doesn't me. If that was the case the dynamics would be different/dangerous and our friendship would not have developed.

I could contact her easily but would she even tell me the truth? It would certainly make me look desperate. I may monitor twitter as DH doesn't know that I am aware of that.

As for buying another phone, I tightly control the purse strings. He gets a couple of quid for lunch a day and that's where it ends. Also,it would be really difficult for him to establish that type of relationship at work as he works with far to many people that would have my best interests at heart.

I have sticking it out for the rest of the year in my head. I will not stay in a marriage that is not healthy for me or my children. I can't walk away without giving it my best shot either.

Thanks to those who have said I'm nice. I'm on my phone so can't acknowledge you. I can be a PITA at times!

perceptionreality Thu 21-Feb-13 11:21:12

'When asked how his day went yesterday (as he came home looking glum) he said that he felt awful for her.'

WTF?? I cannot believe I am reading this. If I were in your shoes I would send her a message saying 'you do realise he's married with children, how about you fuck off?'

perceptionreality Thu 21-Feb-13 11:22:28

'I tightly control the purse strings.'

He cannot be trusted with money?

Callthemidlife Thu 21-Feb-13 11:48:26

I'm really concerned for you, OP, as I don't think you understand the dynamics of these types of trips. I've travelled all over the world on business and lived in Asia and Africa.

There is a method of conducting yourself on business trips that it pretty standard. When you are staying in New York, Frankfurt, Brussels, those kinds of places, you aren't really on your guard. There may be the odd approach from a prostitute in the hotel bar but the blokes wouldn't generally dream of taking them up on it. A trip to a lap dance bar might happen, might not. All pretty safe. You only get mixed up with a woman if you are actively looking for it, but you'll probably happily chat to random strange women in the bars/hotels (with nothing coming of it).

Different story in many Asian cities (including the more cosmopolitan ones like Tokyo). Generally even the well-brought up educated girls are desperate to hook up with a western man. They have the reputation of treating them nicer than men in their own countries, and are generally wealthier. I've seen men hit on by women within 5 seconds of my getting up and going off to the loo or whatever. It happens in even the best hotels, and gets more rampant in the local bars. All the businessmen I know are 100% on guard against this kind of thing. They know that free sex is on the cards (that night, within 30 minutes of meeting if they want it), and because of this they don't even get involved in conversations with local women, certainly not 'friendships'. The only exceptions are the very few sleazebags who want to shag their way round. And the one or two single guys who actually are looking for girlfriends at the time. I know a couple of chaps who've even married local girls due to these kinds of relationships (and they're happy).

Which is all a very roundabout way of saying that (a) I am 100% convinced she's done everything in her power to make him fall for her (including trying to sleep with him), and (b) I am 100% convinced that he did not naively fall into this 'friendship'. No-one who travels regularly would fall into a 'friendship' in the way he is suggesting. They would have done it with eyes wide open.

To be honest, I am more angry at the way he is trying to fool you about all of this than whatever it is he may have done with her. And I think he is speculating on what he's missed out on by coming back to wifey.

He's your husband and you know him and we don't, but that's the honest view from someone who's been in and out of business hotels for 20 years. Everyone involved knows what's on the cards when they start flirting with local girls.

HmmmWhatAMess Thu 21-Feb-13 11:50:29

I know perception. Should be our best interests at heart.

He can be trusted with money. He just has no interest in it. So I sort out all that side of things so we know where we are IYSWIM.

I have just emailed my solicitor to ask advice. I need to safeguard the kids and myself just in case.

Thisisaeuphemism Thu 21-Feb-13 11:54:02

Yes, his attitude is driving me mad- I can't imagine what it is doing to you.

She is sending zillions of texts saying she misses him, he has ooops deleted everything, she is tweeting that 'it's finished', he is so sad at how it's affected her, and yet they were 'just good friends'. It just doesn't add up.

Nobody is that naive - or if they are, then it's combined with a staggering level of selfishness....

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 21-Feb-13 12:06:04

When asked how his day went yesterday (as he came home looking glum) he said that he felt awful for her. I asked what the f**k about me?

How dare he say that? I would be livid too. What was his answer?

This shows he is putting her needs first and that he is far more emotionally engaged to her. I am now convinced that they have shagged - sorry sad

He has become addicted to her ego strokes and attention needs to be shocked out of this bubble. The only way to stop this ambivalence is to provide a dose of hard cold reality...

HmmmWhatAMess Thu 21-Feb-13 12:09:54

midwife I know exactly what you are saying. I have been to Bangkok and seen the girls. Ironically we called them 'dirty dicks'. I told him she would have been after money and a life over here and people would have seen them together and thought what I twat he was.

Yes,thisis she has absolutely no reason to fabricate or exaggerate the events on twitter. It is not wrote on there for him or me.

fiventhree Thu 21-Feb-13 12:11:57

"he said that he felt awful for her."

That was so not just a bit of company. His emotions were involved.

And at the very least, she saw it as a developing partnership too, and one wonders why?

I would lay money on it you are not getting the full story.

And he can say that to you, and also imply you are overreacting? I cant see that he is very self aware, and certainly not aware of your feelings.

HmmmWhatAMess Thu 21-Feb-13 12:23:09

I do feel sick about all of this. If only I could see those messages. It's not about him sleeping with/kissing her. It's his emotions and, like you say five they are.

Please, if anyone recognises me from this,don't even let on to me you know about this.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 21-Feb-13 12:28:57

Oh no! Feelings for her rather than you.
When I said to my exDH we should give it another go but he had to finish it properly and talk to her about it.
I came back and asked how it had gone.
He said 'She didn't take it well to be honest. She was crying etc....'
So I said 'Well what did you say to her then?' (This will out me!)
He said 'I told her I have a duty to your and our DD'
A DUTY!!!! Really!!??? Well that was the end of our relationship!
I did not want to be anyone's DUTY!
Your story is sooooo like mine it's scray.
Just wanted to share so you understand what might be going on in his head?
Well done on contacting the solicitor, always best to look at every option.
Keep us posted though!

HmmmWhatAMess Thu 21-Feb-13 12:36:08

Thanks hells for sharing. I'm sorry you have been through similar. It's me that is the one usually concerned about peoples welfare, not him.

I'm also going to start squirrelling some money away.

HmmmWhatAMess Thu 21-Feb-13 12:37:16

Should I contact her?

catlady1 Thu 21-Feb-13 12:41:28

I also have a similar story, with the being "open" with pictures, yet deleting texts, and him feeling sorry for the other woman, etc, and reading this has made me feel a bit sick to be honest. Please, make him leave so you can sort out properly how you feel about it, even if just temporarily, and if you do decide to stay together, you need to really put your foot down about this kind of thing. If he's showing you pictures and talking about her then he's obviously feeling pretty proud of himself and he has no reason to change! I know it must be so difficult to face losing your husband and the father of your children but you don't deserve to live with the constant paranoia and low self esteem while he swans off and shags other women, and it's doing your children no favours either.

Coconutty Thu 21-Feb-13 12:47:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 21-Feb-13 12:47:38

Hmmmmm - I really don't know if you should contact her.
If you believe you will get answers then it might be worth a try.
But you really need to be prepared for what you might hear.
And, do you know if she is really telling the truth. She could lie in order for you to throw him out so he goes running to her!???
Actually writing it down, I don't think you will gain much by talking to her!
Keep strong, keep doing what you are doing and don't write him off just yet.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 21-Feb-13 12:58:40

If you need a good book on this topic, get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends.

And I would not talk to her - in case she really is one of these predatory women and anyway she will only tell you what she wants you to hear.

slipshodsibyl Thu 21-Feb-13 13:10:52

If it was in Asia, then what has been said is very true, but I think it is very very easy (if unbelievable) and incredibly common to be pathetically flattered by the attention. It seems to bring out some kind of 'hero/rescuer' complex as these girls are often in straitened circumstances. Don't bother to contact her- it will only bother you more as she is not interested in your well being.

You mention a recent bereavement. I think this kind of event very frequently leads to the kind of aberrant behaviour your husband is displaying. Is this a possibility?I think he is living a little fantasy. Can there be any real likelihood in his head that this girls from so far away and from a different culture is more than a flattering diversion?

HmmmWhatAMess Thu 21-Feb-13 13:22:25

cat I'm not sure if I can take that strong stance. I don't know if I have the strength, energy or courage to do it. Not yet anyway.

For those of you who mentioned not to contact her, yes she could make things up about what happened to try and get her man.

Had he kissed her or been intimate with her then I would see that his chase was led by a strong sexual attraction that almost like a drug. He said they were not intimate so why f**king bother?

slipshodsibyl Thu 21-Feb-13 13:28:17

Because it is just a fantasy.

AgathaF Thu 21-Feb-13 13:37:33

Chances are there was some kind of intimacy. Like slipshod said though, it's a fantasy - with or without intimacy.

It's worrying that he doesn't recognise where his boundaries should lie, or worry about going over them.

TBH he sounds like a love-sick school girl.

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 21-Feb-13 13:40:42

I'd be concerned that if she is talking about this openly on Twitter, other people know.

Only two types of people would post "it's over" type messages...attention seekers who want to be asked what's wrong, and people who are talking to those who already know.

Contacting her could go either way. I wonder what your DH would say if he thought you had talked to her?

HmmmWhatAMess Thu 21-Feb-13 13:49:06

He asked me not to caja. That speaks volumes.

Its not looking good.

I hope you don't mind if I step away from posting on this thread for a little. I need to collect my thoughts. Maybe its just a bit too painful writing this down and making it more real. I will keep reading though.

Thisisaeuphemism Thu 21-Feb-13 13:58:25

Oh hmm what a horrible position he has put you in.

He is so much more concerned about her than you right now

Take care of yourself xx

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