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I'm pretty sure DH has had a fling. What do I do now?

(154 Posts)
HmmmWhatAMess Tue 19-Feb-13 07:42:39

Firstly I have namechanged. I haven't told a soul about this and from my posts under another name I could be identified.

Ok, DH works in the UK but regularly travels abroad. I have never had any reason not to trust him, whilst here and when he was away. He's always been a good dad - although sometimes has a short fuse. With me if has always been my biggest fan, even though we have had some tough times adjusting to becoming a family.

This time if was gone longer than normal and tbh I was a bit concerned how he would cope without the dc's and I. I needn't have worried. In fact he even said on the phone how much if was enjoying it/been out drinking and clubbing with 4 girls from his hotel (alone) and also mostly with the group of men that he was working with. I encouraged him to make the most of his evenings because due to childcare he doesn't get out much. Also, I have a close male friend so I thought it couldn't be one rule for one and not the other.

So if has come back. Has about 5 photos on his phone of him and a young woman. A few are close ups of her face (in one she is wearing his hat). Others are taken in the hotel she works in (the one in which he stayed) with their arms around each other. He showed me these saying he had nothing to hide.

His phone hasn't left his side for the week that he has been back. I have discovered that he wiped messages from his work mobile that he sent to his personal and left just one with her email address on. If has also signed up to WhatsApp and deleted all old texts. He has received 120 and sent 65.

HmmmWhatAMess Tue 19-Feb-13 07:45:58

Sorry. Posted too soon.

The names in his phone are men's names. Not hers.

What do I do now? We have 2 dc's that are young. We are both in our early 30s and married for 13 years. Could this be the end? Should it be the end?

Tbh I could cope with a snog or even a drunken fumble. But to keep contact like this makes me think emotions are involved and that's worrying.

Sorry for the ramble.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 19-Feb-13 08:13:44

You have to tell him that you're not happy with all of this and it looks very suspicious. I don't think what you're describing is 100% cast-iron proof of an affair but it sounds like inappropriate behaviour for a married man. If you've known him for a long time you should be able to read in his face if he's lying or being evasive when you ask about it.

HmmmWhatAMess Tue 19-Feb-13 08:18:22

He's lying to me. I can tell with eye contact alone. I didn't sleep a wink last night as everything was slotting into place. He looked at me this morning and started crying but had a convenient excuse of something else.

I just don't feel ready so say something yet. I just feel numb.

ComradeJing Tue 19-Feb-13 08:31:26

Oh hmmm that doesn't sound good.

It sounds like the best thing is to have a frank and honest chat with him. Perhaps you can nip it in the bud and deal with it now instead of waiting for evidence and the affair-emotional or physical- getting worse.

Best of luck.

Thisisaeuphemism Tue 19-Feb-13 09:15:03

I would go in hard - I'm afraid. Appointment with solicitors, csa website, etc. prepare for the worst.
Sent 65 texts? I bet you've had 5 in that time. Plus, the hotels, intimate pics, deletions etc, etc. Too late to nip in the bud I would think.
I'm sorry.
I would say that I know - get him to come clean - and then, whether he does or not, get him out. you sound like you have great instincts and you know him inside out...for now tho he has to feel the consequences...

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 19-Feb-13 09:22:29

Your only chance of saving the marriage and forcing the issue is to confront him and say you know he has been cheating on you and that you deserve to be treated with love and respect. Then ask him to go away for a few days to give you time and space to consider your options.

LOSS is the only thing that motivates cheaters - feeling the consequences is the only thing that may bring him to his senses.

If he really wants to be committed to the marriage then he will have to fight for you and work hard - telling you the truth and taking full responsibility for his actions.

People are more likely to value things that they have fought hard for and your actions will increase his respect for you.

Hissy Tue 19-Feb-13 09:34:37

Absolutely what ^ they said!

He won't see what he's potentially lost until he sees it in the cold hard light of day.

bunnyearsahoy Tue 19-Feb-13 14:02:35

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HmmmWhatAMess Tue 19-Feb-13 14:18:21

Thanks for your advice. I know you are all right. Part of me feels like it was just a matter of time. Being together for 15 years from young is bound to create some issues. I think what upsets me more is the fact emotions are obviously involved.

I have discovered how to access his deleted messages on WhatsApp and will try to do this tonight when he is sleeping. I feel that I'm justified in doing this and when I know exactly what has happened I can compare his account and measure his truthfulness.

I will also make an appointment with a solicitor and cab to discuss my options. For once in our life everything was going along swimmingly. Our fertility problems have been dealt with successfully, our careers are taking off (mine slowly eve to the dc's), but still there is now money in the bank. I've made such an effort to love him - when at times I haven't wanted to / had the energy to - and its been going so well.

What about custody of the dc's ? Is it automatically 50/50? If it is them that would be a reason for me to stay.

How can I compete with a beautifully exotic girl, 10 years younger than me, probably more exciting in bed, not haggard from the kids/work/studying? I'm never going to. S**t.

HmmmWhatAMess Tue 19-Feb-13 14:22:00

I work 16 hours a week. Not sure how much help I would get.

Where has my dependable husband gone?

I haven't even cried yet. I feel like booking him a one way ticket to the other side of the world. They could do whatever the hell they wanted then.

NotSoNervous Tue 19-Feb-13 14:23:09

So sorry op. I think you need to confront him and try and get everything in the open.

You shouldn't have to compete with anyone, your his wife and he shouldn't be looking elsewhere

ErikNorseman Tue 19-Feb-13 14:32:40

Access will be as close to 50/50 as feasible, as long as it is in their interests. If you currently look after them during the days when he works then that will continue. It depends on their ages etc.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Feb-13 14:36:29

He looked at me this morning and started crying but had a convenient excuse of something else.

Yes, I believe it's gone too far to nip in the bud.

Someone said "go in hard". Yes, I agree with that.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Feb-13 14:41:14

I don't understand the flaunting of this exciting shag he has experienced.

Something very off here.

I think he wants you to throw him out , as punishment. I think he wants to relive and continue to cultivate the frisson as the drama continues to play out, to your detriment.

I suggest you do just that. Don't hang on by the skin of your teeth to someone who has done this, but more importantly, done what he has since he came back. It's not just the infidelity, is it ? He is taking the utter piss.

HmmmWhatAMess Tue 19-Feb-13 14:52:47

The dc's are 5 and 3. I work evenings.

Your right anyfucker its not so much the act - its this remaining contact that is carrying on. Even if he didn't sleep with her, which strangely enough seems almost irrelevant, its the emotional side of it that troubles me most.

Yes, sometimes you meet strangers and have a connection. I realise that. But why can't he just of left it at that instead of trying to cultivate this sexual attraction. I say that not because I think infidelity is acceptable, its not, but to me this seems far more dangerous.

plinkyplonks Tue 19-Feb-13 14:54:40

OP - big hugs Your husband sounds like an idiot. It's not about whether you were good enough. You didn't even come into the equation. Your husband is selfish - end of.

Don't compare yourself to anyone. Forget the pictures etc... you should never of seen them and don't think about them again. This now is about creating a strong team around you to create an even better life. This behaviour is not normal in a marriage, don't try to rationalise his decision - he has placed his own selfish desires above you and your family. He's not the person you thought he was because the person you loved wouldn't do this to you and you will never (even if he came begging back tomorrow) get that trust and dh back.

This now about the future. Concentrate on yourself and your children - this is should be your priority right now. Forget about him. Think about the life you want to build for your family. In regards to access, that is really a personal decision that only you can make. Do you trust him (and who he will have around with him) with your children at this moment in time? Time to get some legal advice.

It's never nice when these things happen - but I have yet to read a thread here about a broken marriage because of the oh's behaviour that hasn't led to a happier, stronger family at the end of it. You're in control of it now and although you may not see it - this pain will end and you will be stronger, more focused and determined at the end of it.

Good luck x

WaMMaW Tue 19-Feb-13 15:22:57

I couldn't read and not reply.
OP, I am so sorry for all that you are going through right now!
Your husband needs the wake up of his life.
If he was upset already, I think he is about to break. Tell him you know, and that you need him to explain it to you. I don't think he'll deny it.
Hopefully you can get an explanation and you can move on appropriately.
Big hugs.

bunnyearsahoy Tue 19-Feb-13 15:36:21

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AnyFucker Tue 19-Feb-13 15:40:04

Bunny, I do think you need to go have a little lie down

Infidelity breaks many rules of what is acceptable behaviour, but the last time I checked it wasn't a criminal offence.

OP is showing more dignity than you are, and she is the wronged woman here, on her thread. I don't think your over-emoting is going to be remotely helpful to her.

Sallyingforth Tue 19-Feb-13 16:18:56

The more I think about this, the angrier I get.

"Calm down dear, it's only MN"
The OP has strong suspicions, and she has to work through this. She doesn't need your anger, and she certainly doesn't need to REPORT TO THE POLICE.

bunnyearsahoy Tue 19-Feb-13 16:23:38

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AnyFucker Tue 19-Feb-13 16:25:18

Who said his behaviour was acceptable? RTFT.

rhondajean Tue 19-Feb-13 16:31:56

Bunny. There is no certainty yet he has a risky had sex with the ow never mind done so without protection.

I suspect you may have emotional issues around this to deal with yourself. Your first post suggests you knew what the dh here was thinking and I believe you are projecting hugely.

Although you mean well it's not helpful to the op and you should take a step backwards for a bit.

bunnyearsahoy Tue 19-Feb-13 16:43:30

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