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teenage dd - out of my depth

(39 Posts)
schooldays Mon 18-Feb-13 18:05:16

have tears in my eyes - feel totally out of my depth with my dd. shes 14 and has turned into a complete brat. i cant get her to do anything i ask. no matter what i ask or how small a task she has a default answer of 'no mam'. she argues back constantly, either that or shes in her room on the internet.
i lost about two hours sleep last nite due to her phone vibrating i had to get up to her 3 times to ask her to turn it off. its like she is a walking zombie. never apologises for anythign. i literally couldnt get her out of bed until 5pm on sat - she just refused and in fairness seemed so tired.

so anyway just now i told her she was to leave her phone out of her room by 9pm on a weeknight and no internet access after 9pm. she lost the head and started shouting i hate you (the ususal teenage stuff) when she said i am going to bang this door and i dont give a shit. she was literally roaring at me. so she started banging the door over and over then nearly took the stair down with the stomping and then banged her bedroom door.

havent seen her since and haven't a clue how to deal with this. instinct is telling me to take her phone, laptop, tv. is this enough or too much.

Help!!! this is literally driving me mental - feel i am not able to cope with her anymore

amillionyears Tue 19-Feb-13 18:52:50

You are only 21!
I saw some of your posts from yesterday.
Thought you might have be banned actually.

comingintomyown Tue 19-Feb-13 18:58:52

I could post War and Peace but in a nutshell I realised about 8 months ago that my DD and I were at each others throat the whole time and actually my behaviour left a lot to be desired too.

I decided as the adult I would need to break the cycle in our relationship and do things differently. Mostly this has been to listen, chat to her, see things from her point of view and not always assume the worst and speak to /treat her accordingly. It wasnt easy at first but its an utter transformation and life is sooo much nicer for us both

Have to say am in awe of those taking the door off the hinges - genius !

PhieEl06 Tue 19-Feb-13 19:12:15

Just wanted to post as a former bratty 14 year old, i'm 18 now & I will readily admit I was a horrible horrible teenager from about 13-16. Just wanted to let you know it doesn't last forever & regardless she still loves you no matter how she acts or what she says. What worked best for my mom was giving me responsibility, she gave me things I needed to be responsible for & didn't let up, if I did them properly & frequently I got rewards, (god this sounds like I was a dog) for example I had to make dinner for the family 1 night a week, I could have her help if I wanted/needed it but I was responsible for it, I didn't make it she didn't make me any dinner the next night, harsh but it worked, do it frequently enough & we'd go out for a meal the two of us on a weekend every now & again. Internet went off at 9pm every night, I kicked off at first but once I accepted it on weekends I got it back till midnight. Little gestures make all the difference. & try to talk to her about life in general, don't pry but make sure she knows your there & have an interest, it could turn out she's stroppy because someone (friend, boy, random person) has upset her, let her know that if she ever wants to talk your there.

& if it helps, it really does get better, my mom is my best friend now, we're really close & we look back at the "brat years" & laugh at each other.


Dozer Tue 19-Feb-13 20:15:42

There is a campaign called get safe online, and another one to help parents be alert to cyberbullying and help DC too.

Montpellier Tue 19-Feb-13 22:23:46

yesss amillionyears, apparently my opinions were "too strong" for that thread. I guess the truth hurts. But I digress.

Maybe op should send dd to a summer bootcamp. Someone yelling in her face every day and making her do a bunch of shitty jobs without pay might make her suddenly more pleasant to be around. I know it might be extreme but whatever does the trick eh. smile

Montpellier Tue 19-Feb-13 22:28:56

Maybe you should do what this guy did.

fiventhree Tue 19-Feb-13 22:42:50

That comment wasnt necessary, amillionyears.

My daughter was very tricky over a year ago, and I got in a very slow start. I could have kicked myself when I finally cracked down, that I hadnt started eralier, because she sorted herself out sharpish after that.

The strategy included pointing out that it was me paying for the phone etc, and that I was simply going to stop. I did, and pocket money too, when she kicked off later.

The thing is, phones etc are privileges. If she wont accept fair boundaries, with draw relevant privileges.

The number one rule is to mean it. They always always test for weakness and resolve, and only stop after they have established that you will go through it.

It is the same with boundaries for everyone, not just kids. If you dont let them treat you like crap, they wont expect to be able to.

amillionyears Tue 19-Feb-13 22:59:25

Which comment fiventhree?

Montpellier Tue 19-Feb-13 23:10:29


izzyizin Tue 19-Feb-13 23:11:48

Put it this way, fiventhree, when it comes to my next incarnation I've made a note to avoid Montpellier's womb wink

Montpellier Tue 19-Feb-13 23:18:12

I am childless by choice and gay. No worries.

izzyizin Tue 19-Feb-13 23:37:04

Last time I checked gay is no bar to motherhood and, by my reckoning, you've got c30 years to choose not to be childless, Mont.

Montpellier Tue 19-Feb-13 23:41:36

I also know I never want be a garbage collector. Some decisions we make early on in our lives.

theoldtrout01876 Wed 20-Feb-13 02:48:09

I had mine tied down tighter than a drum with parental controls on the web. I would physically remove the router when I went to bed.I refused point blank to get internet enabled phones, they are older and have them now,so just take Dd1's off her when shes being particularly tough. Every Pc and tablet in the house is password protected so if I take the phone she still cant get on line.

It doesnt stop her being a total witch.We just remove EVERYTHING and she goes quiet for a few weeks till we give it back,cue couple weeks of being ok, then me taking it all away again ( never had this with her older brothers) Shell learn respect/grow up eventually I hope

No phone= end of universe/social suicide

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