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teenage dd - out of my depth

(39 Posts)
schooldays Mon 18-Feb-13 18:05:16

have tears in my eyes - feel totally out of my depth with my dd. shes 14 and has turned into a complete brat. i cant get her to do anything i ask. no matter what i ask or how small a task she has a default answer of 'no mam'. she argues back constantly, either that or shes in her room on the internet.
i lost about two hours sleep last nite due to her phone vibrating i had to get up to her 3 times to ask her to turn it off. its like she is a walking zombie. never apologises for anythign. i literally couldnt get her out of bed until 5pm on sat - she just refused and in fairness seemed so tired.

so anyway just now i told her she was to leave her phone out of her room by 9pm on a weeknight and no internet access after 9pm. she lost the head and started shouting i hate you (the ususal teenage stuff) when she said i am going to bang this door and i dont give a shit. she was literally roaring at me. so she started banging the door over and over then nearly took the stair down with the stomping and then banged her bedroom door.

havent seen her since and haven't a clue how to deal with this. instinct is telling me to take her phone, laptop, tv. is this enough or too much.

Help!!! this is literally driving me mental - feel i am not able to cope with her anymore

plinkyplonks Mon 18-Feb-13 18:12:59

Have you asked what's bothering her - anything in school etc going on?

Otherwise it's a case of punishment and reward. She's forgotten who the parent is. So next time she does do as she's told, the internet goes off for an hour. Next time, it will be off for the day. Rewards, well if she does what you want then great - awesome. After fortnight of being good, maybe go out for a meal / shopping whatever.

But the more you give in to the tantrums, the less incentive to do as she's told.

titchy Mon 18-Feb-13 18:13:22

Take the lot! No Internet access beyond 9pm at weekend/holidays. 8pm on school nights. Give her stuff back only when she behaves civilly for 24 hours. Then three strikes and you're stuffs remived system

plinkyplonks Mon 18-Feb-13 18:13:37

*doesn't do as she's told

yellowbrickrd Mon 18-Feb-13 18:19:06

Hi op, you should find some support and commiseration here

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Mon 18-Feb-13 18:22:05

I know it seems awful she your first DC to get to this stage?

A total lottery, there seems to be about a 50% chance that they go through this, IF MINE WERE ANYTHING TO GO BY.........

Internet access is top priority for a 14 year old................

Router/hub.. off it goes, no data plan on phone.

Almost unbelievably, she will be back to normal in a couple of monthsyears

izzyizin Mon 18-Feb-13 18:31:51

Your dd is going through a phase which afflicts a fair number of teenagers. It's a kind of rite of passage for their dps and your mantra should be 'this too will pass', but you can speed its passing by imposing certain boundaries and convey the new rules to her in a calm and reasoned manner.

Take her bedroom door off its hinges and tell her it'll only be put back when you can be assured she won't bang your doors again.

Ration her use of the net as suggested by plinky commencing with no internet tonight - but if this means your use of the net will be restricted, remove her laptop and tell her its confiscated until such time as you see an improvement in her attitude towards you. If she needs it for homework, she can do use it downstairs/under your supervision.

Who pays for her phone?

Where is she now?

YippeeTeenager Mon 18-Feb-13 18:43:05

I sympathise so much - I've had a pretty rough ride with my 13 year old DD today too - I booked a haircut for us both and she suddenly declared she wasn't going and just started walking off home - had a real scene in the middle of the high street! It's scary when they just point blank defy you but I am finding that threatening to take the ipad away gets her back in line.

My DH reckons that it's the same as in selling techniques, you have to find the customers 'hot spot' and push it for all you're worth. Same applies to teenage girls, know what the best 'hot spot' deterrent is i.e. internet, seeing friends etc etc, threaten to withdraw it and then see it through if you have to. But above all, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I bet there are thousands of us that have had days we'd rather forget today thanks to our teenage, hormonal, stroppy DDs!! sad

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Mon 18-Feb-13 18:45:23


PMSL at taking her doors off its hinges...... grin

Mine would quite literally have killed us while we slept..........

izzyizin Mon 18-Feb-13 18:58:09

You'd have been in no danger if you'd reinforced your bedroom door with tamper proof hinges/steel plates/iron and a Banham lock, Thing grin

Or you could have upgraded their bedroom door and made sure they were securely behind it before you went to bed.

Where there's a will, there's always a way smile

AnyFucker Mon 18-Feb-13 18:59:47

Ah, I remember the days I used to put the laptop in the boot of my car when I went out... (before the days of I-phones etc)

Flojobunny Mon 18-Feb-13 19:07:30

I agree, door off hinges if she continues to bang. Phone confiscated if it continues to vibrate in the night or if she continues to defy you and hub unplugged at 9pm.

Overthehillmum Mon 18-Feb-13 19:15:34

I actually did take my daughters bedroom door off, mainly as it was a complete tip and she refused to do any tidying up. She eventually got it back, but I swear to god I wanted social services to take ME into care she was that bad. I got through with a mixture of punishments, as in grounding, for no more than two days at a time, otherwise it was just torchering me, taking her SIM card off her, and rewarding her on the occasions she didn't manage to piss me off by buying her something, magazine, some make up, etc. You have my sympathy, I wouldn't have got through it without lots and lots of wine and fags!! Since she's grown up I don't smoke and hardly touch drink grin

independentfriend Mon 18-Feb-13 21:27:41

If she's actually tired, more than you'd expect for the beginning of half term, then it's maybe worthwhile her seeing her GP [I'm thinking mensuration leading to anaemia].

Then I'd say pick your battles and only fight about the important stuff. If there's nothing pressing for her to do on a Saturday why shouldn't she sleep for the day? Maybe stop asking her to do things and let her live with the consequences of not having done them?

Can you help her with expressing anger/frustration/annoyance in words and not actions (like door banging)? Lots of societal messages make it harder for women to express anger effectively. Can you help her direct her strong feelings into actions that don't impact negatively on other people in the house? (going for a run? listening to music through headphones? punching something inanimate? etc)

If you must think about removing her bedroom door, do think about putting a curtain/sheet or something up for privacy. I can see why it seems a good response to someone banging a door, but it's better to avoid potentially humiliating her by leaving her with no privacy at all, particularly having to get dressed/undressed where she could be seen by other people walking past her room. And if that door is removed, what's to stop her banging all the other doors in the house? You're hardly going to remove them all.

ImperialBlether Mon 18-Feb-13 23:59:38

I remember yelling at my daughter, "I hope when you grow up you have a daughter just like you" and she screamed, "That's not very nice!" before realising what she'd said.

SquinkiesRule Tue 19-Feb-13 05:17:57

Take the door, she can dress/undress in the bathroom. I'd also confiscate the phone and laptop each night and if she doesn't improve her behavior, remove them for the day or week or whatever is appropriate. I went shopping with the X-box controllers in my car grin works like a charm.

ImperialBlether That is so funny that she didn't realize what she had said.

schooldays Tue 19-Feb-13 15:43:04

thanks for all the replies .

she is my first so totally new to this.

after she stormed up to her room banging doors etc i didnt go near her for about an hour and a half. i needed to calm down first. if i had gone after her i would have lost the head and taken all her stuff and i dont want to frighten her with my anger. (ps i would be known for being very calm but she really manages to push my buttons)

anyway eventualy i went up and took the laptop i asked her for her phone but she refused to give it to me. she literally lay on it and unless i was goin to use force there was no way she would give it. so again i stayed calm and told her if that is the way she wants it thats fine and i walked out. went back in an hour later and she handed me the phone and said she was sorry. she seemed really vulnerable and upset, so i said i accept her apology but i wont put up with that behaviour that i lover her and always have her back and am here to discuss anything she needs to etc etc -but i have my boundaries and she crossed them. so i said i would think about the phone and laptop and we woud talk about it today.

so i think i wil let her have her phone and use the laptop until 9pm but i want both left out on landing by that time.

anyway, i looked up the history on the laptop and saw a link to a particular chat room that allows people to post anoyn. it was her friends profile (is that what you would call it?). anyway to say i was shocked is an understatement. the poor girl (my dd's friend) has all these messages to her saying she looks ridiculous, is a lesbian, and then others saying shes shes gorgeous and a beautiful person, and others still saying this lad is a pr*ck etc etc. - dont think my dd is on this site but jesus i was shocked that this is what she is reading and this is what teenage girls speak like. any wonder they are all so angry and conflicted if this is what they are being surrounded by/involved in.

Lemonylemon Tue 19-Feb-13 16:09:43

You need to put parental controls on her laptop if you haven't already. Look in the internet history. I'll bet that website is IMVU or Facebook..... They both seem to be really popular.

My DS is 15, nearly 16 and has been a right pain for the past 3 years. It will pass.

izzyizin Tue 19-Feb-13 16:33:49

If you see cyberbullying anytime, anywhere, PLEASE bring it to the attention of the relevant authorites such as the site owner/host and the police as it has contributed to the deaths by suicide of numerous youngsters.

In the case of your dd's friend, I would suggest you talk to your dd about the unacceptable content of these entirely unwarranted messages and alert the girl's dps and/or her school.

I would also suggest you search to see if your dd has posted a profile on the same or similar social networking site and check out what messages she's received/is receiving.

plinkyplonks Tue 19-Feb-13 16:48:23

I would tread carefully here - as privacy is a big thing for a 14 year old.

It's definitely worth a weekend away somewhere or even just an afternoon away with just you and her - no mobiles, internet or anything, where she feels she has the space to tell you what is bothering her. I think if you tell her in the house she will feel you are snooping on her and may try and hide things more for you.

If you are getting to the point of being extremely concerned, and you can see that it's starting to have a big influence on her behaviour, then in a neutral setting i would ask her about it.

I can still remember my thought processes and various arguments with my parents from when I was 14. She is probably more grown up than you know, but still vulnerable without the life experience to put those horrible comments in context. It's fuzzy line between giving her enough space and privacy to come to you as an adult with her problems and feelings, and the role as a parent to help protect her and guide her through the big changes in her life.

Best of luck smile

dietstartsmonday Tue 19-Feb-13 17:02:22

I took my dd bedroom door off, it took her 2 months to earn it back but she hasn't slammed a door since.

DS1 is also on a technology ban atm no xbox or laptop and he has magically turned into an almost human being. Makes me wonder if i should just get rid of all gadgets for good.

All 3 only have basic phones ( though moan about a lack of blackberry) but at 12, 13 and 15 i don't think they really need one.

She will improve i have started to see small improvements in all of mine. Its not a nice age

dietstartsmonday Tue 19-Feb-13 17:05:17

And yes having read your latest post, put parental controls on. Mine still have them ( though DS1 is a whizz on the pc and i am sure he turns his off)

amillionyears Tue 19-Feb-13 17:21:10

As regards the door,I would expect her to pay if she does any damage around the house. And make sure she knows that that is what is expected.

izzyizin Tue 19-Feb-13 17:29:51

The scourge of cyberbullying is a recent phenomena which causes untold misery to thousands of victims who become increasingly distressed and/or are unable to defend themselves in the face of an onslaught hateful and hurtful messages from so-called friends and strangers alike.

The truly frightening aspect of cyberbullying is that many parents have absolutely no idea it's happening to their children until it's too late.
Bugger pussyfooting around for fear of transgressing the supposed rights of our children to a certain degree of privacy in which to engage in virtual social interaction.

It's incumbent on all of us to police our dcs' use of the net and, where it rears its ugly head, flush cyberbullying out in the open and call it what it is, which is sheer bloodyminded nastiness on the part of bullying cowards and other lowlife who hide behind the relative anonymity of the worldwide web angry

Montpellier Tue 19-Feb-13 18:24:56

Absolutely take away anything that gives comfort to her life, if she treats you so horridly. You housed her, fed and raised her, she should be grateful you don't kick her out. The snotty brat! And don't cook her meals either you are not her servant.

It also seems to me she's addicted to entertainment and the sooner you break the addiction the better. She should only be focusing on her schoolwork. She'll thank you later.

This coming from a childless 21 year old woman who was once a former brat. blush

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