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Just told DH I don't love or fancy him, and I don't want to be his wife anymore....

(24 Posts)
scarednow Sun 17-Feb-13 21:11:23

And now I'm shitting myself! I think it's true, I haven't felt anything except mild annoyance over him for a while now, but now I have said it out loud before I meant to because he pissed me off tonight. And I can't take it back now it's been said.

We are broke, both earn peanuts and there is no way either of us can manage on our own - we are overdrawn and have a 4k cc bill. Wtf was I doing telling him now? I mean, we are getting out of debt, managing all payments and have clawed back almost half the overdraft in the last 8 months by tightening our belts (we had no Xmas presents except small things for the kids and I had my hair done as a birthday present, that was it, not even a card and nothing for Valentines Day to save money). In another year or so it would have been fine but not yet.

We get lots of TC and I would get more still if he left, but he has no money to pay maintenence unless he wants to live in a cardboard box, which I'm not having - he is the father of my kids and I am fond of him and won't do that to him or them - but how can I run the household without his income too? I mean it isn't much but it's a shitload more than nothing. And we own the house, so no chance of help towards the mortgage (which is cheaper than renting round here anyway). And I have 23p in my savings account. Oh, and 44p in my paypal account. Shit. What have I done? Why didn't I just keep pretending?

I'm sitting here with my heart pounding. The daily grind of it all, plus the running round after the kids (and DS3 takes a LOT of running after!) had just worn me down and I just snapped. I was going to wait until the stress of money worries had eased, by which time hopefully DS3 wouldn't be so full on, and then work out whether I still wanted to be in this relationship or not. Now I don't know what will happen. Should I pretend I was just cross and wanted to hurt him? Hell, that might be true for all I know. I can't work it out. I just wish I hadn't said it.

Anyone else done this and recovered things? Any advice? What I have donesad

nilbyname Sun 17-Feb-13 21:19:00

Didnt want to read and run.

I have not much to say by way of advice, except is it worth trying cou

nilbyname Sun 17-Feb-13 21:19:51

Realtionship counselling, worth a try?

ImperialBlether Sun 17-Feb-13 21:21:36

Do you think it's the stress of all the debt etc that's caused you to grow apart?

VBisme Sun 17-Feb-13 21:24:03

If you didn't really mean it you have to tell him, don't just hope he'll think everything will be okay, he needs to hear it from you.

I also agree with couples counselling, it sounds like you have been through a very tough time which will put pressure on a relationship but might have something worth saving.

FlatsInDagenham Sun 17-Feb-13 21:29:14

It sounds like there is an awful lot of external pressure on your marriage - debt, demanding children - that could be causing the loss of romantic feeling towards him.

It might be possible to explain your words away and try again but he is probably pretty shocked and you will need to give him a lot of reassurance. And if you are only backtracking because you are worried about losing his income, then please, don't string him along. Not fair. You'll work out the finances if you have to.

izzyizin Sun 17-Feb-13 21:31:09

Stress can cause people to say what they don't mean and constantly worrying over every penny is one of the biggest stress inducers around.

Maybe what you've said has given him pause for thought but, if not, I suspect your words can be erased to some extent by a physical demonstration, such as a hug or a cuddle, to show you do still care for him - and you do, don't you?

If the daily grind, and the sheer slog of it, gets to you it's time to find ways of putting joy back into your life.

flippingflup Sun 17-Feb-13 21:31:28

Yikes! You could always try saying 'sorry, I was angry, that's how I felt at the time, but of course I love you really.'

BUT actually, how about talking to him about your real feelings? I think a bit of honesty isn't necessarily a bad thing and maybe you should have a chat about how you don't feel your relationship is ok. That way, you can stay together for now (sounds like you think you have to anyway?), work on improving your relationship, then when the financial stress has eased you will have given the relationship a chance and should have a clearer idea of how to continue.

But what do I know? I've had to bite my tongue tonight not to tell my dh the same things!

flippingflup Sun 17-Feb-13 21:32:11

Yikes! You could always try saying 'sorry, I was angry, that's how I felt at the time, but of course I love you really.'

BUT actually, how about talking to him about your real feelings? I think a bit of honesty isn't necessarily a bad thing and maybe you should have a chat about how you don't feel your relationship is ok. That way, you can stay together for now (sounds like you think you have to anyway?), work on improving your relationship, then when the financial stress has eased you will have given the relationship a chance and should have a clearer idea of how to continue.

But what do I know? I've had to bite my tongue tonight not to tell my dh the same things!

scarednow Sun 17-Feb-13 21:37:09

Well the stress isn't helping, for sure. We moved house when I was 38 weeks' pregnant with DS3 (I know, I know, mad or what, but we didn't plan it that way!!) and since he has been born he has been very full on! He is nearly 2 now and we have 2 other DSes who are older and much easier.

The finances has just been recently tbh, we had some money left over from the move to do some work on the house, which was really needed as it is a few hundred years old and very neglected by the previous owners, but we had a bit of a 'moment' and kind of got used to just being able to buy stuff without checking the balance.....and then got a nasty shock! It's nothing we can't get out of in time, and we have a lot of equity so absolute worse case we could sell, but it won't come to that (if we stay together anyway).

It's also the same thing that I see on these boards all the time. Sex. Or lack of. Thing is, I don't really feel like it often, and he does. He never pushes, huffs a bit on occasions but is adamant that I shouldn't pretend and just do it 'cos it's easier, which I am pleased about and don't do anyway. He just thinks I should want it more. I am actually happy not be having it more atm as it is not a priority for me. He wanted to see a counsellor to sort our sex life out, but somehow I think he means to get me to want it more, rather than him to want it less.....I am still breastfeeding DS3 once a day most days which I don't think helps (hormones or something?) but sex is yet another cause of the stress.

I do like him, mostly. He isn't perfect, and I certainly am not either! But after 12 years together I reckon we know each other pretty well and most of the time I feel OK about being with him. Everything is just such hard bloody work.sad

I'm not bothered about being alone, I don't need a relationship - the 2 years I lived alone years ago were fab!! But I don't want to take the kids' dad away from them on a nasty comment made in haste. If it does happen, it should be after a long conversation and agreement from us both, after trying everything.

Thing is I don't actually know if I still love him. How can you tell? I would be upset if anything bad happened to him - he was in a car crash 4 years ago and the police called me at work and I broke down completely. (All fine in the end). But love? I don't know either way - and I should, shouldn't I?

frustratedashell Sun 17-Feb-13 21:42:19

What was his reaction?

hermioneweasley Sun 17-Feb-13 21:42:25

Orgasm releases oxytocin (the bonding hormone) so if you have more (good) sex then you'll probably start to like him more. Also sex is free if you're having more month than money.

scarednow Sun 17-Feb-13 21:43:30

Don't know his reaction, I stropped off and slapped the door. (Mature or what?) He didn't come after me, but that is probably because he knows by know that it would have been a bad idea - I need time to cool down when I blow my top and he knows that.

Mumsyblouse Sun 17-Feb-13 21:49:43

I don't think that asking 'do I love you' is really the right question when you are only 2 years after having a little one (plus breastfeeding which does dampen libido), plus debts, plus moving, it doesn't sound like you are at all sure you don't love him. I don't think great certainty is always there when you are in the rollercoaster of little children, and it does sound like you care for him a lot. I don't know where this leaves you, other than perhaps seeing a therapist by yourself to sort out what you want.

FlatsInDagenham Sun 17-Feb-13 21:51:58

I actually feel for him on the sex issue. He wanted counselling and you saw it as him putting pressure on you to have more sex. In fact, the only reason you would have agreed to it would have been to make him want less shock

He is entitled to want more sex (doesn't mean he is entitled to get it of course!) and at least he's willing to find a solution to your current problems through counselling.

And now you've told him you don't even fancy him. Bet he feels brilliant sad

How does he feel about the marriage?

MajesticWhine Sun 17-Feb-13 21:53:58

You said it in anger, presumably to hurt him because he had pissed you off, so it's not like it was a well thought out decision. You need to talk to your H about what's been going on between you. And yes, agree to the counselling. It sounds like its worth trying to improve things rather than just giving up. And yes breastfeeding will be dampening your sex drive.

scarednow Sun 17-Feb-13 22:03:53

Flats - that's not quite how it went actually, although I appreciate it probably looks like it from what I have posted. He only mentioned counselling about 2 days ago, well actually he said 'a sex therapist to find out why I didn't want it much'. I just said let's just wait a bit, not least because we can't afford to be paying for things like that at the moment. And yes I completely agree he is entitled to want more, although I also think I am entitled to want less. How we solve that however is for anyone to guess....

He hasn't spoken about marriage counselling, only the sex therapist!

Interesting point about a therapist by myself, I hadn't thought of that. Although I would expect I would need to pay, yes? And we are eating leftovers and veg with the bad bits cut off at the moment, so I can't see where the money would for that come from. sad

MrsFrisbyMouse Sun 17-Feb-13 22:07:07

Relationships are hardwork. Attraction and desire wax and wane over the course of long term relationships. The reality of a change in a relationship post children is a hard one for most couples to adjust to and move through.

We as a society have hugely unrealistic expectations of what love is. But I think in long term relationships it's sometimes more about doing the dishes, or doing something nice for each other. Not romantic roses and all that stuff. Read the answers in the now do you and your partner decided to have sex thread! It's not all sexy whisperings and much more ok do you fancy it tonight luv!

Remember that you won't be living alone. You'll be a single parent of 3 children, sharing care with their father and all of the difficulties and challenges that brings.

Maybe you need to try and remember why you did fall in love with him, look at your life you have built with your children. Find some time to make some small changes to reconnect with your husband. Go back, reread your wedding vows. And work to find common ground and a sense of intimacy post 3 children!

Oh and yes, breastfeeding can kill libido (It did for me!) all that oxytocin release for my baby... But skin on skin with your H can help to recreate that intimacy. Sower together, massage anything really that gets you touching. I think it's one of the things we forget in long term relationships is making time to hug, cuddle and just touch.

Beaverfeaver Sun 17-Feb-13 22:11:51

We were once in about £30k's worth of debt at under 25 years old.

I hated the years struggling to get sorted financially, but we got through it and are now stronger than ever and able to make up for all the fun we missed out on back then.

It can get better

scarednow Sun 17-Feb-13 22:12:42

I did try the intimacy thing MrsFrisbyMouse, but to him that means sex. Even if we agree just to cuddle or shower together and agree in advance that will be all, he still then asks about sex or tries it on. If I make it really clear at the start that sex isn't on the menu, he doesn't bother and says what's the point.sad So unless I want sex I avoid touching. Then I suppose because I avoid it, it makes it worse, and on it goes.sad

Good comments from you all, thank you. Food for thought. When he comes up to bed I will have to talk to him, though god knows what I shall say.

Damash12 Sun 17-Feb-13 22:24:15

Oh I could so have written this post, my heart goes out to you as it is an awful situation to be in. For the past 3 years I have had on/off doubts about my marriage to the point of having anxiety attacks about leaving and ending the relationship, running parallel to all this is 3 years of shit, job losses, equaling financial strain and now debts, miscarriages, death of mum, dog and all other kinds of bad luck. We have a Ds age 4 and another of 4 weeks! My husband is mostly great and in the beginning I was so happy and felt I had everything I ever wanted. Now, I have episodes of yeah it's going to be ok to times where the doubts/niggles get soooo bad I explode and tell him I just can't carry on. This all came to an head last week a good friend came to see me and baby and I just broke down and said I couldn't carry on, we had a good chat and I even went to stay the night a few days later and really got it out. Basically for me, I feel soooo neglected, unappreciated and unloved. My husband can be very sarcastic and what was once funny is now blood boiling. I really want my marriage to work but I need to feel loved and valued. I've told him before I get all my affection from ds1.
I've read " I love you but I'm not in love with you"and it's very true only problem was other half wouldn't read it!!! H has been really trying this past week or so. i hope it continues as it as showed me I do still love him very much but it's lost under years of external crap and lazy attitudes. Basically, you saying it is probably not a bad thing as when it festers you can get pretty ill with it like I have. Good luck Hun, keep me posted.

kicker Sun 17-Feb-13 22:39:24

This site could be useful for you both so you can get out of the sex impasse.
Written from a male POV. Hope you sort it out.
(Obviously the site discusses sex)


typographicerrors Sun 17-Feb-13 23:42:04

i am in your situation - and told my partner that i wanted us to separate at the end of jan, but like you the financial reality of that is hindering our next steps - we are both currently living in the house, not really sure how or what we do next.
counselling is a useful support and some places you pay on a means tested basis - it is still a lot of money but if it can help you work through the way that you currently feel then it is worth every penny of money (that you don't have...)
i have been struggling with the question of what is 'good enough' in a relationship for a long time. I think there was a point when our relationship went from being indifferent to actively unhappy and for me that signalled the end. since i said i wanted us to separate then there has been an openness and honesty in our dealings that i dont think was ever there before. I dont know if that will change what ultimately happens for me; but if things are that bad then you need to be honest and see if you can try and salvage/fix...

very happy to talk more/support...

badinage Sun 17-Feb-13 23:49:01

I think you need to apologise and mean it, because I'd have thought your husband feels totally crushed at what you said and how you delivered your thoughts.

It does sound as though you need some help communicating your expectations of eachother, but counselling is expensive and would seem a luxury when money's that tight. You'd probably be better off buying/downloading some books and doing some intimacy or communication exercises together.

Debt and breastfeeding are real passion-killers but seeing as you've both proved to be talented at debt reduction and cutting your cloth, neither will last forever. Maybe your feelings won't change, but just maybe they will when life gets a bit easier and your pressures let up.

I'd start simple. Get into the habit of doing random acts of kindness and consideration for one another. Make talking a priority. Start actually looking at eachother again when conversing.

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