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H has decided to divorce as does not love me

(91 Posts)
Moanranger Sun 17-Feb-13 20:40:23

25 year marriage & kids now leaving home. H has always been a tricky customer, no DV or infidelity but hard to please, furtive, introvert. I feel I have tied myself up in knots trying to make him happy, but we are now at end of line. Just told 19 year old son, who offered me a hug & I blurted out "I just want to be with someone who treats me nicely" Says it all really. If no man will, then at least I'll have my friends & not have to be around such a downer. Pointless post, really. Hug from DS nice, though.

Moanranger Tue 19-Feb-13 12:38:27

Have just seen lawyer - 1 time meeting = £300. Full divorce package =£10k+ - yikes!! Big problem is valuing company we own.
It was interesting explaining our marriage to a lawyer and brings home all of the work I put in and how little he contributed. Rather sad - I think I tended to block that out.
I am going to have to speak to him tonight, not looking forward to it. I did not know grounds for divorce were so limited - I thought there was some sort of irreconcilable differences category, but will possibly have to go for unreasonable behaviour. Unless he has been unfaithful and wants to admit to it. Awkward conversation tonight. He has access to bank accounts and I will need to make it clear that he is not to touch any money without my permission.
I was very tearful and upset Sunday night, but not last night - just gloomy and down.

HorseDNAinJellyAndIcecream Tue 19-Feb-13 13:42:57

Can you move some in to your own bank account?

KatieScarlett2833 Tue 19-Feb-13 14:59:47

Another one who has read your thread and felt a "hooray" was necessary grin
Oh how much better your life will be without the joy-leech around.
Normally threads like this are sad hmm
This one is happy and positive, like you smile

tribpot Tue 19-Feb-13 15:03:33

Given your H is the one who decided to do you a favour and divorce, I would address your findings to him that way, i.e. 'so I went to consult with a solicitor to find out what my divorce options are, have you decided what grounds you'll be using to petition?' etc.

I think the cross-fingers-and-hope attitude to your bank accounts is a bit optimistic, esp as the hostilities are about to commence. Are these business bank accounts? Can you remove him from them?

Jux Tue 19-Feb-13 17:59:57

Hooray that you can now look forward to a happier life!

I second what tribpot said about protecting your bank accounts. Can you quickly get the bank to change things so that two signatures are required, one of them being yours, or something? Or putting a cap on withdrawals and transfers?

oldqueencrepey Tue 19-Feb-13 18:22:05

You need to protect your finances. What did solicitor think abou that aspect? ie freeze / reorder any joint accounts / caution on any jointly owned property etc..

If he's in dodgy health make sure you resolve things asap and make sure you finalise finances (ancillary relief) order before decree absolute. Divorce means you need to remake any wills and if you are divorced you wont be a widow for pension purposes if he drinks himself to death in the meantime.

Good luck. You sound as though you'll be fine. Agree re him doing you a favour.

HorseDNAinJellyAndIcecream Tue 19-Feb-13 18:25:06

For all his talk, you've been to a solicitor first! does the person who gets to the solicitor first be the one to say his/her behaviour was unreasonable? it seems mad that there isn't an irreconcilable differences choice.. because the last thing any divorcing couple needs is grounds for more blame/resentment, ie,who is the unreasonable one! confused really shocked there's not an irreconcilable differences. there must be in america though!

Moanranger Tue 19-Feb-13 18:47:51

tribot thanks for that - useful as I have yet to discuss with him. The solicitor did query was he likely to run off with money? I said I thought not, but will have to keep an eye on that. When I do discuss with him, I will say if it going to be an issue, I will contact bank re caps, signatures, etc so he doesn't get any ideas. We also have a book keeper who would spot anything re company accounts. If I thought he was likely to leave country, etc, I would be more concerned, but not his style.
Feeling quite anxious re getting him out of company - don't think I will be able to agree that without a solicitor fighting my corner. It will costsad
But at least now I know my options.
horse yes, the options for divorce seem quite limited & old fashioned - nothing to allow partners to say we have hit the end of the road - someone has to be the bad guy.
I am not too hung up on being the one to file. He seemed to make an issue of that, but at this point, best to get on with it.
On business front I now have an IT service company tee'd up ( he did that) and my bookkeeper to take over his finance duties.
Thank youall for saying I sound positive, I don't feel it, but I am happiest & less anxious when I am doing something to move things forward.
On good bit of news, offer on house I spotted has been accepted, so a home that I can call my own is soon in my future.

HorseDNAinJellyAndIcecream Tue 19-Feb-13 18:49:33

You will love it. Not listening for the sound of his key in the door! you can eat what you want, when you want, go out without a sulk, or an explanation. Decor to your taste and yours alone!

HorseDNAinJellyAndIcecream Tue 19-Feb-13 18:50:51

Trilbot, good points yes, because it's worthwhile not waving a red flag in front of a bull. picking the battles and all that. That is what I wwas trying to express!!

PureQuintessence Tue 19-Feb-13 18:59:26

Hi there. I just came across this thread, and I say hurray for you! This will be very uplifting times for you.

Re divorce. My friends solicitor had told him that it was best to just cite unreasonable behaviour and explain they had just grown apart after meeting and marrying very young, and that this in itself was unreasonable enough. Not sure it is good advice, but that was accepted in court, and he did not offend his ex wife in the process. But I am sure your solicitor can advice you.

Moanranger Tue 19-Feb-13 20:36:18

Pure Thanks for that, v useful, struggling mentally regarding unreasonable, didn't think "sour old git" would quite hit the mark with the courts.
Had The Talk tonight. Went ok, but he super-rational/cold about it all. I will defo need lawyer. He ok about providing paperwork.
He a bit "what's the rush" re filing, but I could just imagine trying to deal with him whilst he taking up Internet dating, etc. He accepts I want to replace him at work. Just breathe... Tomorrow I won't have to be in same house with him for 5 days-yessss....

MadBusLady Tue 19-Feb-13 20:56:01

Moanranger - I've only just come across this too. I'm sure it's all a lot more difficult in real life than you're making it look here, but wow, if this is how productive and assured you can be in three days after something so huge happening, imagine how much you're going to get done over the next 5/10 years without that deadweight dragging you down!

I have a feeling your next five days are going to see your spirits rise like a rocket, despite the legals.

(Also, sorry to be nitty-gritty, but if you suspect there has been infidelity while you've still been having sex please get checked out for STIs.)

HorseDNAinJellyAndIcecream Tue 19-Feb-13 21:08:57

He's probably surprised that you are taking it so well. I wonder if he's second guessing himself now because you're not wailing and begging him to change his mind.

Moanranger Tue 19-Feb-13 22:24:27

At the mo, do not feel as tho I am taking it at all well, TBH - stomache-churning anxiety, tho I do sleep, eventually. Thinking of all I need to do not to get screwed financially. I would not beg, he says he doesn't love me, so nothing to beg about. He has thrown wobblies in past & stormed out, tho usually returned with tail between legs professing undying love. This time is different & final.
Intellectually, I know I will be fine. I am someone who is happy doing things on my own - went to a film by myself this afternoon, although if you met me you would think I am an extrovert. Actually need time alone on a regular basis to re-charge. See what tomorrow brings, will get info together & instruct solicitor.

HorseDNAinJellyAndIcecream Tue 19-Feb-13 22:28:02

Change is very scary. But soon the changes coming will be what you'll be used to iyswim. I love going to the cinema on my own. When my x has the kids I sometimes go to the cinema. It feels like a treat.

catsrus Wed 20-Feb-13 00:38:09

OK - grounds for divorce. It doesn't matter who says what. Our solicitors (we went the collaborative route) said that in any marriage there are probably grounds for unreasonable behaviour somewhere. I told my exH that as he wanted the divorce it was only right that he found the grounds. He divorced me for unreasonable behaviour - I don't know what he said, I never read it, left that to my solicitor. Even now I have a copy on file but have not been tempted to read it - what does it matter? he wanted out and on reflection I wanted it too. It meant it cost him more in solicitors fees as he had to do all the negotiation with his - mine just did paperwork.

I was daft when it came to finances, too trusting - which is one way the collaborative route failed for me - and I got shafted on some assets. At the time I didn't care and wanted to be free as quickly as possible with minimum fall out. I had significant friendships with his family that I didn't want to lose - in retrospect it was probably the right route for me to take but the fact he walked away with more still grates.

Don't get hung up on grounds, try to see it as a means to an end. No-one sees what anyone says apart from the judge - all our friends, and his family, thought it was bizarre that he was divorcing me. Anyone who knew us was very aware of who was the unreasonable one. Being able to detach from the actual process of who divorces who will save you a lot of emotional energy I think.

My ex told me in Oct, we started the divorce process in Nov, he left in December, we had the decree absolute in April, he moved in with OW in March I think and was married to her in Sept.

Of course when he told me it was because he had fallen out of love and there was no-one else LOL. I told his best mate who it was the day after he said that smile

Moanranger Wed 20-Feb-13 01:42:31

catsrusthanks so much for telling me how it went for you. I have to say I am working myself up to a pretty lengthy narrative on unreasonableness. He loves to cast himself as the victim, but he is a pretty obvious dick, so people will understand what really went on.
Interesting about the collaborative route, not what I am choosing, mainly because I know in his fantasy world he was critical too my business. It will be easy to prove otherwise, and also divorcing will add costs for me in running my business. The backstop is that you can apply to the judge for a winding down order if he refuse to settle - in which case he would get nothing. I can feel myself working into a "don't get mad get even" mood, so I'll stop & go to bed.

Moanranger Wed 20-Feb-13 07:18:45

PILLOCK! I woke up this morning - am in DD's room to find a typed out agreement for splitting the flat, based on LAST YEAR'S valuation! How stupid does he think I am? I had already mentally prepared to get 3 estate agents to value it.
He also included a handwritten card with some "sorry it didn't work out, hope we can eventually be friends" rubbish on it. Ripped it up & tossed pieces on his bed.

tribpot Wed 20-Feb-13 07:23:52

Hopefully this will give you a good sense of his likely reasonableness about your financial split. It sounds like he wants to do it the laziest quickest way possible, although would you not both be disadvantaged by using last year's valuation? Or is there an advantage to him accepting an undervalued asset when negotiating his exit from your business?

Either way - focus on separating your business affairs before things get difficult.

Moanranger Wed 20-Feb-13 16:46:18

Tribot No, if we use last year's valuation I would receive £75k less! Your right re lazy! I have arranged 2 valuations next week & waiting for one more to confirm.
Basically he lives in a fantasy world, where he imagines that he is this chilled out, reasonable guy, not the shouty grump he actually is. Cannot believe he thought I would fall for that. I am totally civil & matter of fact with him ( gnaw on the woodwork in private) oh, and on here, of course!
Am worried about son - home alone this eve while H on wine tasting course - just the thing for someone with a failing liver!!

Moanranger Thu 21-Feb-13 13:44:16

update all pieces now in place for the moment. Flat valuations booked, and amazingly got ahold of my accountant on first ring - this never happens, so it must be karmic. Turns out he divorced in recent past so very up on what needs doing.he is one of the many professionals I rely on who H tried to alienate, so things should be better.
Have also started telling people in RL, which helps, getting a lot of support.
My mood changes from weepy to gloomy, but this is something I will just have to get through and come out the other side happier.
Reading up on asset splits, etc. Marilyn Stowe's blog v helpful. I have a better understanding, though the courts decide casa by case, apparently. Feel a bit better.

Jux Thu 21-Feb-13 23:28:03

Well done moanranger, you are being really strong. You are looking at a much happier, freer life, but it's small steps and slow at the moment. Keep going because it is going to be more than worth it.

Moanranger Thu 21-Feb-13 23:34:44

Email from H tonight, who now appears to accept that flat needs valuation. He will probably " lawyer-up" too - doesn't want to but splitting a business is complicated & no way would I do that without professional advice.
For example, accountant emailed me tonight re business " goodwill" & said that could be personal to me & not a shared asset. Who knew this stuff.
Still mightily upset at H who has thrown massive atom bomb into family. I hope it turns out better in long run, but doesn't seem like that now.

Jux Fri 22-Feb-13 00:57:22

It will, really it will.

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