Feeling betrayed

[stargirl1701]

I agreed with DH that I would spend a night with a relative last night to give me a break. DD, 5 months, has silent reflux so is a high needs baby and I felt I needed a break. Without any discussion, and following the advice of a friend, he decided to use controlled crying. She apparently screamed for half an hour. I feel so betrayed. I fundamentally disagree with CC. I know it is entirely unsuitable for babies under 6 months. I am stunned that he would take a major parenting decision without discussing it first.

So, he met me at the door to explain that was why I could hear her screaming (with real tears). We have had a major row. I now feel I can't leave her again.

[ImperialBlether]

I did CC with my son when he was about 4 months old, OP, and it did work. It took two nights - one night he cried for an hour and the second night for half an hour. The third night he went down laughing.

If he knew how to do it properly, that's one thing, but if he just shut her door and went to watch tv, then that's another altogether.

You have made a major parenting decision not to use it, haven't you? Did you have his agreement on that?

I'm not being harsh on you, but he is her father and presumably he wants what's best for his daughter too.

[stargirl1701]

I bought 'the no cry sleep solution' book and we decided, together, on a routine based on that. He decided not to use it last night. We have only been doing the routine 4 days. I don't think that's long enough to decide it doesn't work.

[ImperialBlether]

No, you're right then, if you'd both agreed on a routine.

Please don't feel, though, that you're the only one who can care for your child. I say that as someone who didn't go out with friends for several months! Maybe you will have to discuss how the evening will go before you go out without your baby and husband. It's really hard to relinquish control, isn't it?

[stargirl1701]

I just assumed he would carry on with the routine. He has never mentioned cc before. I trusted him. Totally and without question. Every decision, until this one, we talked about together before deciding. I am just stunned.

[frustratedworkingmum]

Ok, so he was bang out of order and i would be fuming, i too don't agree with CC. I would also be flaming that he did this in an underhanded way.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt though, maybe he just wanted to try as he is struggling too? That he is worried about you? He wants to help DD to self settle?

Try to forgive him becase he did wrong for the right reasons. Tell him that any decisions you make need to be made together and this means ANY decisions.

[dondon33]

I'm pretty much with frustrated on this subject.

Can I ask how the friend came to be involved though?
Did he specifically call to him/her for advice?

[stargirl1701]

She got locked out of her flat. DH asked her round while she waited for her DH to come back with keys for their flat. She told him that's what they did and it worked.

I understand his motivation. He wanted to help DD and me. I just can't believe he did it without lifting the phone and saying - what do you think? Should we give it a go?

[badinage]

What do you mean 'he met me at the door'?

Did you come home?

[stargirl1701]

I drove home (I was 40 miles away) this afternoon. He came out of the house so he could explain why she was screaming and he hadn't picked her up.

I immediately picked her up. Her face was streaked with tears and when she stopped she made those gulp noises that you do when you've been crying a while.

He said she wanted picked up and he wasn't supposed to do that anymore. She had to learn to self soothe.

[ledkr]

Trouble is they listen to their mates often untrue accounts of what they did. Dh once said that a bloke at work just never went in when his ds cried. I asked his wife and she said totally untrue and anyway he slept through most of the night wakes.

[dondon33]

Ah right so it was kind of on the spot advice then, not calculated/behind your back in any way.
I suspect he simply thought - hey why not give it a go.
I'm with you though - because you'd previously agreed not to then he should have okay'd it with you first.

[Kione]

do he did CC during the day? I thought it was used to help them go to sleep by themseves... but of course a 5 month will want to be picked up and cuddled during the day

[itsthequietones]

Self soothe at 5 months! I don't even know what to say to that. Doesn't he understand that this is what babies do? They wake up and cry to be fed, changed, comforted, they have no other way of communicating this.

[stargirl1701]

I think he interpreted it as don't pick up DD if she is crying. Which is, I know not CC.

I don't know how I move past this.

[badinage]

I think you get past it by you both acknowledging that new parents get it wrong from time to time and this won't be the last mistake either of you make. It wasn't done out of malice or to out-manoeuvre you was it? He was probably nervous at the prospect of being in sole charge for the night and took some flawed advice from someone with a short memory who probably had her mind on getting back into her house and away from a crying baby!

He fucked up but don't blow this out of proportion. It won't have permanently damaged your daughter or any future routines and there will be times when you'll have to agree as parents that the one in charge sometimes has to make snap decisions without consultation. Not about stuff like this, but about other things.

[stargirl1701]

No, you're right. It was done with the best of intentions.

And, you're also right regarding the future - plenty of parenting snafus to come!