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They aren't worth it...

(181 Posts)
Tasmania Sun 17-Feb-13 17:31:58

Why do some women end up in a relationship with guys - have kids with some even - who are not worth it?

I've met women who despite all the warning signals were completely blinded by... lust (can't be love, surely?). These were men who already showed signs of being abusive while dating.

Why don't people just turn their backs on them, and move away?

Not being controversial. Just wondering what goes on in people's head. My head is automatically guided by logic, and I don't know why, but I spot such guys from miles away, and just never tend to like them...

NettleTea Sun 17-Feb-13 21:32:44

ahh, but see, maybe you did come from a cuture where chidren are brought up such as SGB expained a few posts up, then you really wont get how fucked up so many Brits are - what with our prudish victorian principles mashed up by overtly sexualising everything connundrums. It's really done us no favours. And generations of uptight parents not sparing the rod, keeping things in the closet and brushing them under the carpet, stiff upper lip, dont talk about what goes on behind cosed doors, children seen and not heard, and good girls quiet and demure. Real mens men, class, entitlement, public schools, knowing your place plus celebrity kiss me quick culture.
Its no surprise really

Lueji Sun 17-Feb-13 21:33:33

My mother was like that, I didn't hook up with anyone until late and yet it turned out to be the wrong person.

My brother almost married the wrong woman too.

Also wishing your dp good luck, btw. smile

On the other hand, my dad has been what I'd call a good husband and dad. For over 40 years. Yet, he lied about something fairly important to my mother before they got married. No doubt you'd have dumped him.
It's not all black and white, you know.

KaraStarbuckThrace Sun 17-Feb-13 21:41:07

Totally agree with SGB. I thought I was a failure and worthless because I didn't have a boyfriend when I was younger. Ended up in a three year relationship with a total wankstain who subtley and not so subtley eroded what little self-esteem and confidence I had. It was only when I started my first job and spoke to colleagues about him I woke up to how badly I was being treated and they helped me leave him (it was a small, family run form and we all looked out for each other).
I still look back at that time and wonder WTF I was thinking. But I was young and stupid.

ArtVandelay Sun 17-Feb-13 21:41:09

Okay, so really all that's going on here is that you think in a particular sort of way and can't get your head around people who think differently - why don't they think like you? Because you so clearly think you are clever and right. So being friendly in an email is a stupid waste of time, letting some man abuse you is also stupid.

I think its a shame you decided to post this on a forum where people come for support though. Couldn't you amuse yourself another way?

KaraStarbuckThrace Sun 17-Feb-13 21:41:58

Sorry just to clarify, my first proper job when I left Uni, so I was 21.

Tasmania Sun 17-Feb-13 21:42:12

FairFi - define "foul up"?

Tasmania Sun 17-Feb-13 21:47:09

ArtVandalay - if people are meant to do their jobs, and are getting paid quite well for it, you shouldn't HAVE to beg them to do it... [hmmm]

Tasmania Sun 17-Feb-13 21:49:00

ArtVandalay - and I was thinking of putting this into "Chat", but "Relationships" was the obvious place to put it in... because it is about relationships?

ScentedNappyHag Sun 17-Feb-13 21:53:00

Saying please isn't begging though really, is it?

Tasmania Sun 17-Feb-13 21:56:52

ScentedNappyHag I say please already - apparently, that's not enough. Hence, the need for a paragraph.

TisILeclerc Sun 17-Feb-13 22:15:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FairyFi Sun 17-Feb-13 22:16:46

walk in anothers shoes before judging. tbh I think our culture, or expectations around whats rude (or begging?!?!) are pretty simple to follow to avoid upsetting other's cultural norms within a fairly short space of time.

Working out how men manipulate women into abusive relationships however, would be more tricky and not something thats going to be answered here from some personal assertions from the other side of the fence.

Tasmania Sun 17-Feb-13 22:22:07

TisILeclerc Am I not just challenging an assertion, too?

FairyFi Tbh - I find it rude when people don't do their jobs that they are being paid for (a lot more than the average UK salary, may I say), and on time. But to each their own. No wonder, we have cowboy builders around...

Teeb Sun 17-Feb-13 22:25:46

Following on from SGB earlier post which explained things very well, I would add that women will always have a pressure of a 'ticking clock' re fertility hanging over their decisions. Do women have the time to always think there is someone better or more suitable for them to come along? Can we afford to not give men a second chance if we've already committed months or years to them? If we have the desire to have a family, then I think that will always be at the back of many women's minds.

Tasmania Sun 17-Feb-13 22:29:16

Solid point, Teeb! It's a little annoying that men don't have that problem. Unfair that nature didn't really make us equal...

ArtVandelay Sun 17-Feb-13 22:29:32

What have cowboy builders got to do with being polite? (leaves thread as its getting surreal) smile

TisILeclerc Sun 17-Feb-13 22:30:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Sun 17-Feb-13 22:36:01

Oh dear

I am reminded of that ole truism "pride comes before a fall..."

FairyFi Sun 17-Feb-13 22:37:39

I don't think you're getting very far at actually learning anything, which doesn't suprise me. Agreeing with fool wasting time now.

TisILeclerc Sun 17-Feb-13 22:41:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tasmania Sun 17-Feb-13 22:44:30

ArtVandelay Polite is saying please, and expecting the person responsible to do the job they are actually paid to do. It is rude, however, for that person to be paid, not do their job and then expect to be asked nicely to do their job. How do you feel about cowboy builders coming to your home, you paying them a lot of money, but then, you still having to "ask nicely" for them to do their job - and finish on time. How polite would you be to that cowboy builder?

If people volunteered for something, yes - they can expect so much more than a please and a thanks from me. Gosh - I'd get them presents.

Tasmania Sun 17-Feb-13 22:46:08

FairyFi - what's wrong? I agreed with Teeb? What she said made sense?!?

ArtVandelay Sun 17-Feb-13 22:52:03

I simply do not employ cowboy builders, my head is automatically guided by logic and I can spot them from miles away.

(really have to leave smile )

Tasmania Sun 17-Feb-13 22:57:26

Neither do I. But can't change my company single-handedly though, can I?(which isn't a building company)

Good night wine. Leaving this now, too.

Midwife99 Sun 17-Feb-13 23:00:01

Read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry & controlling men" OP. It is written by a man by the way who has worked with thousands of abusive men. In it he explains that these men are extremely charming, loving, passionate & attentive until they have their bait trapped usually by motherhood. Then they change. It's isn't the fault of the women they catch. These women are often vulnerable it's true, but they are not silly, or in lust or in any way to blame for not spotting them a mile off as you seem to be able to. God forbid you ever slip up eh?!

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