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Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 17

(1000 Posts)
foolonthehill Sun 17-Feb-13 13:51:10

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans – He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out – You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change…please don’t give him the link…print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

yummytummy Fri 22-Feb-13 12:38:01

leclerc that is awful these fw's really are messed up in the head and they actually do believe all the crap they come out with.

as for me i am weakening again as he actually said bye to me this morning which is a big deal as he has been blanking me since the hairbrush incident which of course was my fault. its awful as anything which is vaguely normal feels like heaven after a bad few days so you lap it up. i feel bad that i will be hurting him by getting an injunction order etc even though i know what he does isnt right but you just get used to it so it becomes your normal.

any strength or empowerment i had yesterday is gone and i feel firmly in my place again am annoyed with myself for being so weak.

TisILeclerc Fri 22-Feb-13 12:59:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FairyFi Fri 22-Feb-13 13:07:23

with you on that sentiment Yummy right back there now too. I am saying to myself that he talks shite and is just very good a put downs and putting me in my place, and its time I didn't stay in any place that he thinks I should be in!!!! aaaghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr......

DoFuckOffDear Fri 22-Feb-13 13:36:28

Leclerc what was your fathers response to the email, presumably fw doesn't know that his rant was overheard?.

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 22-Feb-13 18:14:46

skips to end to comment on leClercs Fw's email.

The course 'helps to change me, and come to terms with my behaviour'

It's actually the behaviour he needs to change; plus there's an awful lot of comment about his poor old anger issues that he now realises made him that way.

Not Taking Responsibilty.

CharlotteCollinsislost Fri 22-Feb-13 19:39:55

Yes, I too thought that "come to terms with my behaviour" sounded like "I have reconciled myself to the fact that I do some awful things." hmm

Funny, though, his timing writing this so soon after that crossed line he doesn't know about!

Hissy Fri 22-Feb-13 20:06:30

LeClerc, what age is DS1? Does he have poo issues, holding then not being able to stop them coming eventually? My DS does, - think it's a side effect of DV on a child, a dstress signal. DS is getting there, gradually, but we are 2 years out.

Please, if this man beats your babies, for things they struggle with, he needs to Fuck the Fuck off, and not be allowed to see them. Until the DC are stronger.

His letter is continuing on from his overheard convo with his mother. He's appealing to your DF to get you back under control, because YOU are not able to run your own life, make your own decisions. It's YOU he needed to win over, you he has to prove himself to.

He's just trying to marginalise you, isolate you and get you pressured by yet another man, on his behalf.

Tell your DF that you'll handle this yourself, that he's heard the TRUE FW, and this is all smoke and bollocks.

Get this vile, dangerous man away from everyone around you!

BreatheandFlyAway Fri 22-Feb-13 21:07:07

Third time lucky! I keep losing my posts....

Sorry I've been awol, horrible noro like virus and very grouchy kids all half term. Poor dcs have been climbing walls as I've been lying on sofa groaning!

My previous lost post was basically strongly in support of you all, specially Pony as you sounded so sad. You're an inspiration and such a lovely person just on this thread, you must be a superstar in RL! Your kids are so very lucky they have you. smile

Leclerc, what all the others said re your fw's email. I'm glad your df had the accidental voicemail to measure against.

My fw was strangely supportive during my illness, he seems to be at his best when I'm down and broken- hmmmm funny that. Luckily now he is reverting to proper behaviour and has started ticking me off about doing things wrong etc so all good for me grin difficult to be hard nosed when someone's being pleasant and supportive. Also spoke to WA and enrolled myself on FP to keep myself strong and learning.

EternalRose Fri 22-Feb-13 21:57:09

Hi everyone,

sorry I have been awol a bit since last post. But been trying to get my head together, which is so difficult when I am still living under the same roof. I feel so confused in my head. I feel excited at the prospect of being on my own, a fresh start, but then I look at him sometimes and think maybe it's all in my head and I really have been the problem all along and maybe I could make it work, and on and on it goes. I can feel myself emotionally detaching and it's a very, very, strange experience indeed. It's almost as if I am outside myself if you know what I mean?

I hope everyone is well this evening.

BreatheandFlyAway Fri 22-Feb-13 23:02:41

Hi Eternal yes it is such a complex process. I recognise everything you say from my own experiences and I am sure many here do. Otherwise, intelligent women like us wouldn't stay in this situation. People on the outside do not realise the complexity of an EA relationship, being prisoner in one and the difficulty of leaving one. So once we start telling people in RL we have the added pressure and stress of their disbelief that we don't just walk away.

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 22-Feb-13 23:18:07

Either that or they think it's six of one, half a dozen of the other. At some points during the last year, I felt my 'truth' was only known by me and those on this thread, even close friends could not really get it. Thank goodness FW only got worse, thus helping in the process of unravelling spaghetti head...

EternalRose Fri 22-Feb-13 23:38:29

Oh my, I am just reading a preview of the 'Why does he do that' from lundy bancroft, I will definitely be buying an online copy on Monday! Wow, let's just say from what I have read the little doubts I had about whether my relationship is abusive or not has just gone poof!

I think for me, the last few days I have been intensely reflecting on everything and I can see that for a long time I have chosen to ignore things, or my gut instinct For example, in December I joined the dating thread on the relationships board, not because I am dating myself, but because I enjoyed reading about women meeting new men and having intimacy. I even read an affairs forum last year, not because I wanted to have an affair but because I enjoyed reading about other people having intimacy with men and it felt like a different world to the one I am living. It's almost as if I am 'living my dream for intimacy through others' I have only just realised this...

And then there is the endless planning into the future as a single mum. I have never planned for him being in my future, always taken a 'single wage' into account when thinking about potential mortgage affordability etc. And then there is the sick, nagging feeling I got when people would ask me about what my partner is like and I would come out with the same old 'he is a great father' line.

The hardest part of all this is admitting that I have been unhappy for a very, very long time and that I don't think I have ever had intimacy with this man which is sad. Laugh we can do, yes. Cuddle, yes. But full on snogging has only occured 2/3 times in 5 years because I learnt very on I really didn't like it. So since then it's just been kiss on the lips, cheek etc. We can talk about certain topics, well kind of - only if I am agreeing with everything he says, but talking about the relationship is a BIG, NO NO!

And the reflection continues...

BreatheandFlyAway Fri 22-Feb-13 23:41:08

Yes Silver it's strange reaching the point where we applaud the fwittery as helpful grin I actually found myself thinking "thank you" many times recently as he couldn't but help slip back to customary fwittery after brief periods of supposed decency after his so called "wake up call" (which came about three years too late). Because it's never going to change, long term, as we painfully discover!

BreatheandFlyAway Fri 22-Feb-13 23:44:29

YY to kissing eternal. Before our split, my fw would occasionally try to kiss mouth to mouth while we DTD. Despite sleeping with him and sometimes enjoying it, kissing him deeply made me recoil. I guess it's the toothbrush test of the EA marriage!

FairyFi Sat 23-Feb-13 00:03:56

well hello ladies... i'm just back from eve with another family, and my girlfriend was telling me about her sister and the 'awful man' FW that has moved in with her, she never liked him and neither did her husband, but the daughter has stayed there and watched him treat her dog so cruelly and is scared of him and the little boy (the sister's DS not the FW P) has disclosed to his aunt that he's scared and prayed to stay at theirs and not go home sad. Friend has begged her sister to leave him, sister can see nothing wrong (but she's not allowed to go anywhere to the family without him and their mother refuses to have anything to do with him, will not visit - so her sister now getting isolated too)... all these bells ringing for everyone! She doesn't seem to speak in front of him anymore, and does as she's told, will not hear anyone say anything against him. What it did help me with tho, which you've been discussing here this eve, is the getting across of how the slow insidious manipulations start to get you doubting yourself and believing it the victim thats at fault all the time. We chatted for ages about it, her sister and my situation. So I now have one other in RL that is really getting whats been going on. I've been bombarded with insulting nasty emails again. Can't believe how difficult they are to just dismiss without disaappearing back down that hole again. FUCK FUCK FUCK

Not there now, but why am I still fighting this!?!?!?!?! grrrrrrrr!!! Why even listen for a moment, cos its crazy making shit, when I read it back I realise it was him in a fucking stew again all night, phoned me, hung up, then spent the evening sending emails here and there until gone 11. Crazy crazy fuck he is. Why is he my poor DD's father. Where was I at when I thought, hey yeah, lets do this,!!! Well actualy I had left him b4 conceiving, but life catastrophe and shock of that. ... blah blah the rest is history as they say... and hadn't planned on the conception and then grimly seemed to stick with it [the relationship - loved the baby always, never a doubt].

so sad to hear of friend's distress knowing her sister is in this situation and cannot seem to do anything to help her realise the way he is isolating her and abusing her... and I hate that FW still has any impact on me atall Fing FW!!!

FairyFi Sat 23-Feb-13 00:50:20

had a sudden pang of have we heard from Maggie ?

MaggieOnTheSofa Sat 23-Feb-13 00:53:10

Hi all, just checking in. Lots of FWerty here, too much to explain..drained sad. Dmum and Dbro coming next week to help me get more stuff into storage and have solicitors appt too. Lots of in-law visits happening though sad so poker face firmly on to avoid FW having a fit. Post properly soon. Love and strength to all with everyones elses FWerty going on too x

PS - Fi Sorry to hear about your friends sister....another lady to invite to the commune. Hope she doesn't take as long as some of us have to come to terms with what is happening to her and try and get out. How many more out there...

MaggieOnTheSofa Sat 23-Feb-13 00:53:58

Hahaha Fi!! Just x posted xxx thank you so much for thinking of me xx

FairyFi Sat 23-Feb-13 00:55:54

hey! hi! your busy plans all sound good good good! Keep going lovely lady, you doing so so well! ((big hugs)) xx

BreatheandFlyAway Sat 23-Feb-13 00:56:47

Hi Leclerc, so sorry to hear about your friend's dsis. How horrible for her, for her sister and the little boy. And pretty traumatic for you to listen to, I imagine.

Also sorry to hear about fw's emails. Thank God you have the strength to see them for what they are and also to protect your dcs as much as possible.

MaggieOnTheSofa Sat 23-Feb-13 00:58:01

Massive hugs back!!! (to all ladies) smile

BreatheandFlyAway Sat 23-Feb-13 00:59:26

Fi I got mixed up- am on phone and not very clever grin ha ha I morphed you and Leclerc!

BreatheandFlyAway Sat 23-Feb-13 01:02:54

Maggie hi! So glad to hear things are going forwards but sorry to hear ILs are looming around!

FairyFi Sat 23-Feb-13 01:05:43

hi Fly ha ha! grin grin We have Fws to tell us rubbish! so not having the 'not v. clever' grin

Knowing what I/we know, finding it hard to even know what to say to her?! so mad!

late Friday night booty call? [childish sniggering]

MaggieOnTheSofa Sat 23-Feb-13 01:08:50

Hi Fly grin hope you are ok and no more midnight visitors to your bedroom - ugghh. Yes I wish ILs would just piss off to put it politely! Going to try and get some kip now, FW awol as usual for a weekend night, in the last 48 hours he has only seen kids for about half an hour. He will then be playing his role of father of the fecking year when we have the next ILs visit - bastard!

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