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Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 17

(1000 Posts)
foolonthehill Sun 17-Feb-13 13:51:10

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans – He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out – You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change…please don’t give him the link…print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 17-Feb-13 13:52:58

As usual, thanks to fool for new thread.

This thread can change your life!

ponygirlcurtis Sun 17-Feb-13 14:09:24

Coolio, thanks fool, you are a star. grin

scarred, didn't get a chance to reply to your last post, but wanted to echo the thoughts - v glad you are out of the relationship, if not yet away from him altogether. If you have to be around him for work, is there anything you can do to work on building yourself back up, like counselling?

MatchsticksForMyEyes Sun 17-Feb-13 14:18:50

Thanks fool. Welcome scarred I speak German, although it's been a while...

Noonelistens Sun 17-Feb-13 14:31:30

I'm on board too. Hoping by the end of this new thread that things may be a little different and that I will have actually started to move on grin

arthriticfingers Sun 17-Feb-13 14:35:07

thanks fool smile

Lahti Sun 17-Feb-13 14:38:25

Thanks fool

Just had a discussion with H. He has suggested RELATE again. He says he doesn't mean to be rude and it is because he hates his job that it is silling over into home life. I mentioned the EA and the fact that his friend stayed here overnight without my knowledge, he says that it was because her partner had thrown her out and beaten her up. Now I feel really bad as he was actually going something good although in completely the wrong way. AAARGH. Have got him to agree to leave me in peace re sex though phew. Gotta go he is back.

MrsMorton Sun 17-Feb-13 14:46:17

noone maybe that should be our resolution? It's always good to have an aim? By the time this thread reaches 1000 I will have.....

H still convinced I'm having an affair. I do love him though, why can't I get over that? I hate him when I'm lying awake at night or when he's texting me shit but then I see him, he puts his arms around me and I'm in love again.

FairyFi Sun 17-Feb-13 14:59:19

thanks fool lovely link and new thread smile

very welcome SBC to our new thread - sorry you find yourself in this boat with us, hopefully steering a good course now for the future... especially that you have now found the answer to your confusions and that the convo here has given you much needed clarity for yourself. welcome.

Kissing one side of your face MrsM and slapping the other, huh? mmmm.... tis so hard. Is the kiss worth the slap? It took me a long time to decide not!

glad you at least have peace on the sex front lahti thank goodness for small mercies.

Ta's pony enjoy the sunny park! smile

MrsMorton Sun 17-Feb-13 15:01:56

fairy that's exactly what it is and no, the kiss isn't worth it but it's all so difficult isn't it. The momentum continues to build.

fool thank you for new thread, I'm going to try to keep up with this one but they move so fast and so much time I'm not allowed online!!

scarredbutalive Sun 17-Feb-13 15:05:32

silver, fool, pony : Thank you so much! I´ver never ever posted online and I´m still shaking - the mere sensation!
Well, yes, I am not his GF anymore, I´m damaged goods. But up until last night, I felt I had failed and wasn´t lovable. My mother used to tell me she should have crashed me against the wall as a newborne (they did that to cats in the country, to keep the numbers down) because I was never going to be any good. So when I started hearing similar stuff from Ex- FW, that sounded creepily familiar ... maybe there was something to it.
As far as the job is concerned: yes, I will have to work with him this summer. And I probably never would have left, no matter what. Firstly, yes, it´s far from being easy to find jobs, too many people around thinking:"The Oscar is waiting!" Combine that with my completely devastated sense of self- respect and you can possibly imagine my utter horror to leave. Also: I have spent 18 years of energy, time and deep devotion for that place - him gaining the reputation and the money, me doing all the jobs he didn´t want to do (including casting actors, can you believe it? How stressful!!) I felt I had a moral right to stay.
But during last night I have made my decision. I will tell him: this is my last summer! (He always used to threaten firing me, anyhow) And tomorrow I´m going to call a GP to ask for whatever assisstance. I´m scared to death about the consequences, but reading all your stories made me so sad and so angry. And I thougt: "Jesus, you don´t even have kids with this FW, so get off your arse, finally!" (Btw: after learning from his then Gf she was pregnant, FW got so scared to be confronted with suddenly having responsibilities that he went for sterilisation right away, so that would never happen again!)
One last way regarding children (I won´t go out on a limb and say too much as I have unfortunately no idea): my parents stayed together till the bitter end (=my father dying, mother unhappily still alive). They screwed all of us 3 daughters immensly, and even as children we begged them to split up. I can only assume on what is involved, but I firmly believe if you show your child it´s loved, wanted and safe, a huge chunk of groundwork is laid. And having read all your posts, I can only deeply admire you for the guts and strength and love you all show. Thank you again!

scarredbutalive Sun 17-Feb-13 15:15:34

I´m far too slow: thanks to everyone welcoming me thanks

TieredConfusedMummy Sun 17-Feb-13 15:45:27

Thanks for the new thread fool I'll post later.

FairyFi Sun 17-Feb-13 16:02:18

I wonder scarred whether you might have found this thread yet? (re: the parenting issues - another road leading to understanding and support for me, you might find it makes useful reading for you too).

You are already making good decisions. warm wishes

DoFuckOffDear Sun 17-Feb-13 16:16:17

Reading the links in the op and Fairy's link, I realise I married my mother .

I cut ties with her, I'm sure I can find a way out of this marriage too.

scarredbutalive Sun 17-Feb-13 16:32:08

Thanks fairyfi, for pointing that out to me.
And yes, dfod, sounds familiar. In the very beginning, I would have sworn he was the exact opposite. Now at the end, I´m just amazed how good he is at wearing a very misleading mask.
Having been awake for more than 35 hours now (? hours in the net) I will try to catch some sleep now. Am curious of what I´ll be dreaming smile
Thanks for letting be roam arond here for a while! thanks

foolonthehill Sun 17-Feb-13 16:34:01

Clarity is a valuable thing...use it wisely and don't get sucked back down into the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

Our situation prior to getting out from our EA relationship reminds me of the recent DR Who episode <sad geek emoticon> where the DR and his companions see the monster (??the silence) then as soon as they stop looking they forget the monster even exists and are just left with a strange sick feeling. When our FWs are nice it's easy to excuse, dismiss and minimise what they do and who they really are.

It may be hard out of an EA relationship but it's nowhere near as hard as losing oneself inside it.

TisILeclerc Sun 17-Feb-13 17:03:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MatchsticksForMyEyes Sun 17-Feb-13 19:51:39

Anyone seen the They aren't worth it thread just now in Relationships? I felt compelled to post a reply as it just shows how little people who have never experienced an abusive relationship understand about them.

arthriticfingers Sun 17-Feb-13 20:00:01

All I could think of posting was 'bully for you' - but I did not think that was very helpful, so, reluctantly, I didn't. I can post it here, though grin

MatchsticksForMyEyes Sun 17-Feb-13 20:02:43

I think other people telling me " You shouldn't put up with that!" or " You should do X,Y or Z!" was the hardest thing as it made me feel weak for being unable to.

arthriticfingers Sun 17-Feb-13 20:15:08

Hope it was clear that 'bully for you' was what I wanted to say to the OP on the 'They aren't worth it' thread blush
It really is an example of our worst nightmare - as many are pointing out.

MatchsticksForMyEyes Sun 17-Feb-13 20:32:01

Yeah, don't worry I knew! smile

TisILeclerc Sun 17-Feb-13 20:45:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TisILeclerc Sun 17-Feb-13 20:46:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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