Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Help- I'm struggling, feel let down yet again(30 Posts)
I've posted about this a couple of times, but am having such a hard time this weekend, can't rise through it, and have had to take to bed this pm with fed upness, despite two DCs, 8 and 10 who think I am even more lazy than usual.
The basic story is that I split from my alcoholic exP last march. He moved out then, but the relationship had been dead much longer.
All my energies had been devoted to persuading him to leave, he was angry and abusive as well as drinking, so it was a relief when he went. Although of course I feel so sad about the failure of what we had wanted to create, I also felt it was the beginning of a new liberty for me.
I am 47 now, work full time, and look after the kids almost all the time (exP looks after them before and after school one day, and occasionally on a Sunday pm).
So despite my liberty I do find it a hard slog.
So, there is a chap I know at work, have always liked him. In Sept he asked me if I fancied a drink. I couldn't make it that weekend. To cut a long story short we did go out a couple of times, he is always nice to me, but I didn't hear from him much - ie despite him being at work, he rarely contacted me re going out although we often needed to talk re work.
We then went out before Christmas, ended up with me going to bed with him. We had lunch at work the day after and all seemed good. In tandem with this, he has been having some severe financial problems (which may result in bankruptcy) which have been taking up a lot of time.
Anyway, over Xmas two weeks, I did not hear from him. I felt really upset, I had felt quite close to him before all this. I spoke to him after Xmas - and said I felt hurt, he said sorry I just have so much going on with the finances etc.
Since then he has continued to talk to me a lot, but only contact me sporadically- but really illogically- so for example he has given me lifts to work when it snowed, and taken me for the occasional lunch. It's been doing my head in as I think of him all the time and he obviously does not do the same.
This week I said to him, look. I feel like a fool, I am pursuing you and you just aren't into me. He said, it isn't like that, its to do with all the financial stuff. He said I wish I could wave a magic wand and it would all be ok, and my head would be in a different place, but at the moment I just have no emotional energy left. I said ok, I understand, and I need to get my head out of this place as its driving me mad.
Sorry-and thanks for keeping on going! The thing is, I know what is what- for whatever reasons, he just isn't that into me. I need to get over it, but am finding it so hard. I think it's cos I saw him as representing some fun and care in my day to day life. I feel so lonely and let down- and I know it's not really about him, but u was pinning all my hopes on a potential romance which really didn't get off the ground.
So please wise mumsnetters, how do I bring some sanity back, I feel so bloody miserable, and such a failure!
I actually believe this guy.. I think he `is' into you. Cut him some slack. Take it slow - you need to yourself, don't rush into something else after what you have been through.
Now get up have some fun with kids tonight and smile.
I actually think he wants to get his shit sorted out and not burden you with it - leave him to do that and meet up for nice lunches every now and again and in the meantime relax - you did a massive things leaving your ex, well done.
he sounds nice
you need to stop over investing in a relationship as a way of making yourself happy, though
try and find something you enjoy doing on your own account
and I say this as someone in a similar position to the one you describe, with a little less support from my ex (and minus the love interest)
Thanks for your comments. I think that's why I feel so down- its not really about him, it's about me and how much I had invested in it. I feel like for so long I have not really done any stuff that I actually like doing- and that's what I need to find. Otherwise I feel like I am waiting for a prince to come. Which is seeming a tad unlikely at my age!?!
yeah, fat bald flatulent prince with a shed hobby, or maybe that's just me. Do you like your job? what fulfils you?
Sorry Squeegle,I'm not convinced that he's as nice as he seems.Can't put my finger on it but something doesn't seem right.Anyway,please do not give him any money or access to your bank details.Hope that I'm wrong and you do get to enjoy a nice life together. < holds breath >
come on, be fair, he's not asking for money!
I definitely don't think he wants any money out of me, he has bought me lunch, and has not asked for any £££, and I certainly wouldn't lend him any. I tend also to feel something is not right- mainly as he just doesn't really contact me even on the weekends he doesn't have his kids. I wonder if he has anyone else that he sees.... In all honesty that is his business, but it makes me angry if he has just said to me yes I do like you, but my head is full with all this finance stuff. Actually the whole finance stuff is an indicator of him just putting his head in the sand- but also of him not being completely honest and upfront anyway. Even though he comes across as an honest bloke I am beginning to wonder.
It shouldn't be this hard, love
Whatever his issues are, they are not your issues
I suggest you withdraw and let him get on with it
Tbh, the sporadic contact and radio silence all over xmas tells me one thing only...he is married or certainly in a LTR with someone else
even severe financial difficulties are not wrestled with 24/7...stop letting him use this an excuse
AF thanks, I do agree, it just shouldn't be this hard. And yes, 2foes does seem a bit extreme. He has an ex wife and has kids every other week, but I wonder if there is someone else .....
At the end of the day to withdraw is exactly what I want to do- its just that I am finding it so bloody hard to get over.
And I think that's a symptom of me not him.
He's just not ringing true, is he ?
I think actually you should applaud yourself for acknowledging that.
It might be difficult, but you know what you have to do. You can do it.
Thanks for the encouragement. It's definitely not a relationship which is bringing me the fun I was looking for. I need out- but mainly to get him out of my head.
Now how do I do that?
How to do that ?
mean it is the first step
At work, make all contact purely professional
Never text him, call him, FB him
if he does to you, respond coolly with "I don't think this relationship is working out. I wish to remain cordial as we may have to work together, but any romantic involvement is finished"
throw yourself into your relationship with your dc's
your OP implied that is suffering...you know that putting a bloke before your children is crap...so put that right (it won't take long, because your kids love their mum, and no harm done)
spring is coming...get out and about with the kids and give your angsting a precise 10 min slot every day
when the 10 mins is up, give yourself a shake and do something useful
you can do it
Meaning it is the big one. Intellectually I know it's right - emotionally I am finding it much harder. I am so needy I think.
But I like your wise words- and will follow them to the letter, esp re kids - that is so right.
They deserve more.
A thousand times better thanks for asking!
Have dusted myself down, told myself it's his problem not mine. And hopefully am even on the way to really believing it
Have made pancakes for breakfast - And am going out for a walk. Ex will take kids out today, so I can have a bit of positive time for myself.
Thank the lord have a week off work next week which will give a bit of distance and strengthen the resolve for when I go back. I feel pissed off with myself for wasting so much time hanging around waiting for this fellow to fall for my charms!!! But I think I'm seeing much more clearly now at the very least.
Really appreciate your step by step guide- thanks!
Ah, glad to hear it. Do fun things with the kids next week (are they on half term?) and bolster your resolve for when you go back to work
Is the sun shining where you are ? Go out for that walk and appreciate all the things you do have. This man wasn't bringing good to your life, so he has no place in it. Only invite in the people who don't detract from your main focus which is you and the kids
There will be another bloke. And you will feel the difference when it happens.
You have passed a step in your journey in all thism this bloke is a transition man. He's here to show you something, but not to stay with.
He's shown you that you ARE ready for a relationship, that you KNOW you deserve more than he is giving you. You have also learned that when you 'invest' that person has to be worth it.
If you allow this all to potter on, you will be settling.
The NEXT person you meet may not be 'the one', but it'll be a step closer to it.
Relax. The bloke coming your way eventually WILL be worth it.
Thanks AF and Hissy, and all you wise mumsnetters. It is so heartening to feel you are out there and you understand - and so valuable that you can give a view with perspective cos you don't know the people involved.
Oh yes, I do hope there will be another bloke sometime! I feel sad as I thought this was just so perfect - he's at work, has kids the same age as mine, and lives nearby. It was a bit of a Brady Bunch fantasy which I think I was hanging onto despite all the dodgy signs on the way.
So, I'm not out of the woods yet, but I feel so much more energised (I had a great walk thanks), and encouraged due to your wise words and encouragement. Really glad it is half term next week, will be great to get away for a bit!
Thanks for thinking of me! Well, am on holiday this week- lots of nice people, to be honest am still feeling rather down- but am trying to stay positive, and we are having a nice time.
I am just feeling a bit tired of always picking myself up and dusting myself down- yet again! I know that's what we all do, but am just feeling a bit sorry for myself, and feel a bit sad that bloke was such a disappointment. I did invest too much, and I think that's cos I really want someone to care for/ to care for me. Oh well onwards and upwards- I don't really know how to stop myself being needy like this. I know all the theories, but just wish I could be a bit more robust in myself.
I really appreciate your pep posts- and encouragement. It makes a difference. I know my problems are pretty small compared to some, but you know how it is. Sometimes it gets you down.
Good thing is that I am not at work, so at least am not constantly being reminded of painful dalliance, feel like Bridget jones and Daniel cleaver (bloke does not look like Hugh grant by the way).
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.