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Absolutely disgusted/stunned this ever happened to anyone else?

(75 Posts)
frankycard Sat 16-Feb-13 11:10:44

Way TMI is coming but I have name changed and need to get this off my chest.

Internet dating...First weekend with new man, respectable, 50's polite and somewhat shy.

In bed for the first time.

He pesters me relentlessly for an@l, insists his ex loved it? and offered use of a douche, whipped out 3 vibrators, and suggested I use one on/in his backside.

I obviously left but still in a state of shock, he accused me of being repressed.

WTF is all I keep thinking

Blackden Sat 16-Feb-13 12:01:59

Definitely don't agree with maleview. Lots of men like anal stimulation.

However, the pestering here is very disturbing.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 16-Feb-13 12:04:20

I'm not commenting on his different preferences. I'm reacting to the aggressive pressure, coercion and then nasty accusations that followed. Any man that thinks that is a normal or acceptable way to treat a sexual partner is bloody dangerous.

ErikNorseman Sat 16-Feb-13 12:07:28

Nothing weird per se about any of the sexual activities he suggested. However, they require both trust and enthusiastic participation of both parties. This man was a bully and a potential sexual abuser - trying to coerce you into anything whatsoever is a huge red flag for abuse. He's also clearly a terrible lover who sees sex as all about him doing what he wants to another body, not a mutual and reciprocal fun time.

badinage Sat 16-Feb-13 12:12:21

Cog no, not just you. The type of sex requested is neither here nor there.

What's important in this is that we're talking about a man who's got no respect for boundaries or consent. Nasty little fuckers like him use coerced consent as a tactic to avoid an allegation of assault. Who knows how many less confident women have agreed to stuff they didn't want to do, for fear of being called names? But don't report it to the police because at the time they appeared to 'consent' and so don't think they've got a leg to stand on?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 16-Feb-13 12:15:17

Are you OK OP?

Schlock Sat 16-Feb-13 12:18:57

Wanting something shoved up your arse as a man has absolutely nothing to do with being gay unless you would like a man do to the shoving, what a stupid assumption hmm

He does sound like a self entitled tosser, that said. I hope you give him a wide berth from now on.

retrocutie Sat 16-Feb-13 12:21:17

An 'Anal Douche'... you really learn something new every day on Mumsnet, don't you?

OP, poor you. That sounds like a horrible experience. Move on.

Scrazy Sat 16-Feb-13 12:22:00

Nothing wrong with what he was wanted to do but to call you names for not wanting to is wrong and for the first time, really wrong.

You need to build up to this type of thing in a mutually good sex life with someone first.

Take it you will dump him and move on.

AugustaProdworthy Sat 16-Feb-13 12:22:39

Yuck. What a wanker. Glad you told him where to stick it, if you'll forgive the pun

SarahBumBarer Sat 16-Feb-13 12:24:20

Not loving the use of the word "normal" tbh. It's not ABnormal to want anal sex.

It is abnormal to pester for it and criticise someone who does not want it because it IS a matter of preference (as is everything) and that should be respected.

It's perfectly "normal" but not for everyone

Hope you're OK OP.

SolidGoldBrass Sat 16-Feb-13 12:56:01

Yes, let's be very clear, it's not what he wanted that's the problem. Even if his desires had been in the realm of dressing up as a hobbit and wanting you to tickle his ears with a lettuce, that would still have been 'whatever turns you on.'

The problem is that he was rude and snotty about the fact that you weren't into his style of sex - and I do actually think he may have form for coercive behaviour. However, you can't report a man to the police for being rude to you in this situation.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Sat 16-Feb-13 13:31:20

Agree with Cognito and also what Erik wrote... I'd be quite shaken up by that OP, are you feeling a bit shaky?

CabbageLeaves Sat 16-Feb-13 13:35:51

I'm very pleased you dressed and left. I suspect he's managed to harangue a few women into doing what he wanted...and they felt really upset and abused for a long time afterwards. Nasty piece of work

frankycard Sat 16-Feb-13 20:34:28

I'm ok thanks.

I suspect he was a big porn user actually.

Cerealqueen Sat 16-Feb-13 20:43:35

I'd say he was looking for a woman to re-enact his favourite porn scenes, the person didn't matter, just a body to perform, to be performed on/with.
His issues, his problems.
Glad you are ok and hope that it hasn't put you off internet dating.

millymae Sat 16-Feb-13 22:01:10

apologies for my bizarre post a minute ago - too much wine and I can't stop laughing at the thought of tickling a hobbit with a lettuce!!

millymae Sat 16-Feb-13 22:04:22

even more apologies from me now - there's no bizarre post from me earlier. I must have pressed the wrong button. Oops!

chickensarmpit Sat 16-Feb-13 22:04:48

I still have no idea what a douche is.

smallandimperfectlyformed Sat 16-Feb-13 22:27:43

My curiosity got the better of me so I googled anal douche - didn't see any pictures though thankfully!! It is basically an enema so is recommended to do this before anal sex in order to ensure you are nice and clean in case of leakages! I know some women like anal but personally leaves me cold ... He sounds a right twat to say the least op, glad you got out of the date x

GinAndT0nic Sat 16-Feb-13 22:29:42

sounds like an awful night out. what a weirdo. lol at poster saying he'd be repressed about a gang of men having anal with him, how about a gang of prisoners? no? repressed.
definitely a porn user looking for a body not a person.

GinAndT0nic Sat 16-Feb-13 22:31:13

I don't get the idea of anal at all. wouldn't it hurt like *&^%. i don't mean tip of a finger but you know, a penis up your bum. That would HURT.
Give me vanilla. Not ashamed to say it. I'm angry on your behalf OP. what a fucker. it's so scary trying to get out there. You did it, and this is what landed on you.

SpicyPear Sat 16-Feb-13 22:31:20

I'm with cogito on this. The acts requested are by the by. It's the relentless pestering and insults on refusal that are the big red flags here. Sounds like he has a very unhealthy attitude towards women. Well done for walking away.

chickensarmpit Sat 16-Feb-13 22:31:32

How very odd. You should of twatted him round the head with his dildo.

frustratedworkingmum Sat 16-Feb-13 22:34:17

two words : lucky & escape grin

FastLoris Sun 17-Feb-13 03:11:44

Not sure about the porn thing. I think it's pretty unusual for porn (straight porn, at least) to feature men having things shoved up their own bum. At the very least it indicates a general liking of anal, rather than the stereotype of "anal as misogynist aggression against women".

But I agree with previous posters that I wouldn't want that kind of pressure on a first date - or a relationship with someone who thought it was appropriate. Sex is very personal and noone deserves to be made to feel there's something wrong with them by their partner for what they want or don't want.

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