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My Family Hate My Boyfriend(35 Posts)
Just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to approach & deal with this. I am 18 weeks pregnant tomorrow, 18 years old & my boyfriend is 22.
We're in a great relationship & have been together for over a year, his family have been great & so supportive of the both of us, but although my family have been supportive of me, they seem to have turned on him. I am the youngest child & my two half sisters (always considered full sisters there's no half in it) are in their 30's, married & moved out with no children due to fertility problems & we have always had a close relationship but since finding out I'm pregnant the eldest sister & her husband have tried to control everything, they, along with my dad are constantly putting my boyfriend down & making horrible remarks about him, no one else in my family sticks up for him & this is starting to really upset me. I get the impression that they don't think he is good enough for me, he is unemployed with very few qualifications & is not very academic due to him having dyslexia & dyspraxia, he is also not very athletic due to problems from birth with his hips & legs however I see past this to him as a person, I think we are great together we rarely argue, we have so much in common & he treats me fantastically well. My brother-in-law is in the army & seems to disregard him as a good person because my BF is nothing like him, but I have had enough now & am fed up of their horrible comments & feeling like I am the only one sticking up for him, how do I get my family to realise that he is part of my life now & the start of my new family? If they continue how they are being I don't want them to be part of our lives but I don't want to cut all ties.
God I must sound so immature & naive in this, but this is really upsetting me & stressing me out now & it's the last thing I need. Any advice?
" I just wish they would take a step back & let me make my own decisions."
When you are going to be so reliant on your family and your decisions are going to have a direct impact upon them, you can't tell them to butt out. Sorry, but that's the reality of life when you are dependent on people. If you were truly independent and 100% responsible for yourself with no support you could tell the world and his wife to take a jump & do your own thing regardless.
Has your boyfriend ever worked since leaving school ? How lacking in skills is
he. You say he is taking a course in CAD, English and Maths. What does he intend to do with this when the course is finished.
FellatioNels0n I still live with my parents because before I found out I was having a baby I was a typical 18 year old, I saved a little of my money, but most of it went on holidays & myself & I admit I was very selfish. My baby is changing my life already as soon as I found out I started saving this money for him/her. I never intended beforehand to move out until well into my 20's as I am comfortable at home, I don't know many other 18 year olds that have moved out & I think before this my mom would be appalled at me moving out this young as she'd feel like she'd done something wrong, also since I was 16 I have been paying board money to my parents, this is not as much as rent but I pay for myself. I don't just work in a shop, I also have a full time job with a good maternity package ahead of me. Although having a child is expensive which I know & expect I have planned & budgeted costs over the last few months. With minimal help from my family I can afford this, yes it will be a stretch & I will have to be careful with my money but it is achievable.
mollymole he has been in & out of employment, has had many temporary jobs or worked for agencies, he had a very reliant job in a hotel when I met him about 20 months ago which he was made redundant from last summer when the hotel was taken over by another brand. He wants to go into a job in that industry, he enjoys working with computers & is already looking at starting level jobs in design, also this course works with employers to find jobs for the people on the course however this doesn't finish till June.
I think they are more worried about your financial security that any personal grudge against your boyfriend as a person. You are very young. How are you and your boyfriend intending to support yourselves and the new baby. This is probably at the root of the problem. And don't like to see you at the age of 18 with all this responsibility on your shoulders.
You sound sensible.
But I worry that your DP is a bit drifty with regards to work. Been doing courses since 16 and 6 yrs later still not got his Eng or Maths? Which many training schemes add in automatically for people on them.
He needs to get these ( which he can do without paying for them unless he's squander opportunities previously).
Getting the basics really will open up other opportunities like NVQ's in the hotel industry etc. So he can start at the bottom of his chosen field and work up. He is willing to work upwards isn't he from the bottom and not one who just expects to walk into a fantastic role with no experience?
Hopefully the baby may help him to focus. Lots of luck to you. And really hope it all goes well.
I had my first baby at 35 needed it all. Second baby at 38 due next week, heading to my mums afterwards for two weeks....bigger house, another pair of hands etc. Having a baby is a massive adjustment at any age no matter how "sorted" you might be and its great that your family are so supportive. But if they are supportive, they will be worried sick, any parent would be. You sound responsible and sorted out with your own job but you would have an enormous amount on your plate if you are also the only provider.
In terms of finances, your bf WILL absolutely need to step up. Its good that he is taking courses...a job may well be v difficult at this very minute given his lack of qualifications and the competition for jobs, but there is bound to be something for him and i think he will need to be SEEN to be taking this situation seriously before your parents can relax. its about reassuring your parents and providing for you.
(the "in one ear" comment was about my bf, not about yours, no offenxe intended at all btw)
There`s a big difference between being concerned, and being downright nasty. Of course your dad will be worrying himself silly about you, but mocking the father of your child is not helpful. He needs encouragement to try to overcome his difficulties, and find his place in the world. I imagine he is already sadly lacking in confidence. You can only keep trying to explain this to the ones who are being so hurtful to him, in the hope that they will see he needs support, just as you do.
If you were my daughter, I too would be very concerned, but I would also be proud that I had brought up someone who, albeit very young, is also mature, and forward thinking. I have no doubt that you will take control of whatever life throws at you, and deal with it as it happens. I wish you well.
When I said "he would hold you and your child back, and that you would start to resent him." I meant this in financial terms, not having what other partners and their children have - nice holidays, a nice car, nice house, up to date kids toys/gadgets, family days out etc etc.
I know this is all shallow stuff really and that a strong loving family is much more important, but you can't get away from the fact that this won't wear you down at times, especially when your child is old enough to see for himself the differences between himself and others. It is human nature.
Having said all of that, you really do sound amazingly switched on and determined, and I really do genuinely wish you all the best for your future, I am sure YOU will get there and I really hope he does as well.
Good luck x
Thanks all, I am seeing BF later tonight so will be giving him another push. As for my family I have discussed my concerns with my mom & she has told me not to concentrate on them & just focus on my new family, she is going to have a word & tell those making nasty gestures & comments to stop. I very much agree with autumn I am grateful for their concern, I understand I'm the little girl of the family & they are worried about me but there is no need for them to be nasty to him.
Thank you for all your views & comments.
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