Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

It's possible that I've been reading the relationships board for too long, but would you think this was odd?

(194 Posts)
ScentedNappyHag Fri 15-Feb-13 17:00:42

DH has gone to a friends house for a gathering this evening, told me he'd probably be dropped home in the morning or at the very least about 4am.
I've just received a text saying 'Hi baby, I'm at [friend's name]'s, see you soon xx'.

It just rings wrong to me (referring to the 'see you soon', as obviously I won't be seeing him soon IYSWIM), would it cross your mind he'd sent it to you by mistake?
Our relationship hasn't been great recently, but I've had no reason to think he might be cheating. The message just seems... Odd.
I don't want to accuse anything in case I'm batshit but felt like MN was the place to come.

fluffyraggies Fri 15-Feb-13 17:47:04


I never ever post with 'i'd be suspicious'. There are always plenty of wise MNers who know what they are talking about and give good advice.

But, scented, when i read your OP and your replies about your H, i felt i had to say i'd be worried too. I'm sorry.

It sounds as if you deserve much much better than the way he is treating you. Have you a friend you can call on this evening?

Teeb Fri 15-Feb-13 17:50:22

I agree with others, I genuinely do not believe that message was intended for you. In which case, who is he calling 'baby' and putting multiple kisses after a message about seeing them soon? Totally inappropriate.

ScentedNappyHag Fri 15-Feb-13 17:52:32

Thank you avon that's very nice of you to say smile
hoaz, they work sun-thurs (if I'm outing myself, please don't say anything) so have just decided to do it the evening the week, not sure why.

I know it sounds awful that I haven't just left, it always does online, but I've just been trying to get my thoughts together so we can have a proper chat about it and hopefully work it out. I suppose I've just been hoping that he doesn't realise just how much time he doesn't spend with me, and how much he takes me for granted.
Then this text...

Sorry, on phone so can't remember who asked, but no, no friends that I could ask over tonight. I only really have two, and both are busy. I wouldn't want to run the risk of sounding like a jealous weirdo yet either blush

KnittedCharacter Fri 15-Feb-13 17:53:18

Would these friends of his condone to an affair if this was the case? Know it may sound stupid but cud the text have been a silly text meant for one of his male friends. My 18 year old nephew addresses his male best mate as "luv". plus they put kisses on their texts and he isnt gay! otherwise i am sorry to say but i dont think that text was meant for you. With regards texting 30 mins later he didnt say he had just got there did he. perhaps cud have been there 20 mins before sending the text out?

fluffyraggies Fri 15-Feb-13 17:55:59

I asked about friends smile

If a friend of mine told me about this i wouldn't say she was being a jealous weirdo. We'd have a good chat about what the next step is.

fiventhree Fri 15-Feb-13 17:57:18

"I wasn't invited as they aren't my friends, and I never am."

Separate friends who are also not 'friends of the marriage' is a bad sign.

His going out every single friday is another.

His nastiness is a third.

The text is a fourth.

If you decide to confront, and please do not, I think he will deny and reassure, and you will never know. I would dig deeper, at the very least.

MadBusLady Fri 15-Feb-13 17:58:12

Ok, well I've just read the thread where he needles you into an argument about your mostly-conquered eating disorder which culminates in him saying you're weird about food and a patronising bitch, and storming off with slammed doors.

That was last May.

Whatever is going on here, it needs to stop, yes?

MadBusLady Fri 15-Feb-13 18:00:32

Sorry, that sounds like I'm being harsh AT you. Didn't mean it to sound like that! I am just a bit shock.

I agree not to confront. As you dont have anything concrete it would be very easy for him to gaslight you.

I also think you should dig deeper. How I dont really know.

ScentedNappyHag Fri 15-Feb-13 18:03:59

It's ok madbuslady ( I smiled writing that smile) I knew what you meant smile
I know it needs to change, I do. But I worry that maybe after this arguments I'm remembering them too one sidedly, and that maybe I'm over sensitive or not recognising properly where I'm at fault.
fluffy you sound like a nice friend smile

MadBusLady Fri 15-Feb-13 18:19:08

Well I'm glad you've had one smile this evening smile

What you're describing sounds a lot like that fog of self-doubt one gets into with nasty people. (Plus a dose of toddler sleeping pattern, of course!)

Do you have a plan for having this chat? Have you tried to have it before?

ScentedNappyHag Fri 15-Feb-13 18:23:10

I have tried before, but it always end up in a big row about 'you always' 'but you always' etc. that's why I've been trying to get my head together about how to phrase my issues properly. I know I can come across as a bit grumpy. He does sometimes say that he knows he spends too much time on his pc and that he's sorry, but nothing changes.
I don't know. I just want him to see that I can't spend my twenties feeling like this, but then I worry that he does see but just doesn't care.

AmberLeaf Fri 15-Feb-13 18:26:52

No one should have to put up with this sort of crappy relationship stuff, but honestly, you are too young and gorgeous to spend your 20s with an arse.

He doesn't seem to sound that bothered about it all?

AvonCallingBarksdale Fri 15-Feb-13 18:33:00

but then I worry that he does see but just doesn't care

I think you could be right, there, OP. Whatever is going on - whether it's an addiction to the PC/Gaming, an affair or that he just doesn't really care enough, this doesn't sound like a relationship that you're getting much out of. Would you agree? You're right in that you can't spend your 20s like this - well, you can, but you don't have to.

AnyFucker Fri 15-Feb-13 18:35:19

It doesn't matter what he thinks about how you "spend your twenties"

Is this how you want to spend your twenties ? It would be a right fucking waste if that were the case.

MadBusLady Fri 15-Feb-13 18:42:47

You're not going to suddenly find the right words to express your concerns which will magically make him take notice of you. If you've tried all sorts of different approaches, if you've tried reigning in "grumpiness" etc, and it hasn't happened so far, it isn't going to happen in the next sit-down, or the one after that.

rockinastocking Fri 15-Feb-13 18:51:14

You are gorgeous.
He doesn't know he's born.
Someone out there will realise how lucky he is and will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Ashoething Fri 15-Feb-13 19:03:02

I was also coming on to say you are stunning and could do much better! Honestly you are only in your 20's-get out now! You could have a great life without this twunt. Dont be like me and be approaching 40 in a shitty relationship-you are worth more.

Ashoething Fri 15-Feb-13 19:04:44

Btw if your dp is the guy in the wedding pic then he is punching well above his weight and wants to fucking know it!

ScentedNappyHag Fri 15-Feb-13 19:10:28

Rockinastocking Ashoething, you're both very kind, thank you. I've gone up two dress sizes since the wedding unfortunately though- a mixture of having DD and donuts smile
I know you're all right. I hate it, but I do know. I just don't think I'm in a place where I'm ready to go yet. I completely recognise that I'm probably wasting my time, but for some reason I feel like I need to at least give this chat one more try. I'm the worst kind of Relationships board poster aren't I?
I'm sorry if anyone feels I'm wasting their time, I really appreciate the advice, I do.

Dozer Fri 15-Feb-13 19:11:10

You've tried to explain, he hasn't changed, and isn't nice to you.

YOU are responsible for how you spend your twenties, sounds like they'd be better without him, whether or not he is having an affair.

Scented, you are married to this man. You have a child. No one thinks you are wastimg their time. Its a big decision and very natural to want to make sure you have given it a proper chance!

MajesticWhine Fri 15-Feb-13 19:14:54

OP, just want to say, please don't feel ashamed about not wanting to leave right now. You can only do it when you are ready. And feeling ashamed / inadequate about not doing it would just contribute to your overall unhappiness and insecurity. Just tell yourself, that you will decide what to do when you're ready, and you don't have to decide right now.

Having a relationship with this guy, or rather not, is the first thing I would be sorting out. Life is too short for relationships with unnapreciative idiots!

ScentedNappyHag Fri 15-Feb-13 19:39:48

Thanks everyone for being so kind. I've now had another text from him that makes me think he's probably half cut now- can't help feeling a little bit sad that he's having fun with other people but never seems to have fun with me. <sigh>

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now