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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DB has cancelled his wedding because of my mum

43 replies

VPNerror · 15/02/2013 12:22

My mum claims to have a really straightforward attitude to weddings. She prefers them simple, thinks that the couple should be allowed to do what they like without interference and doesn't generally approve of ostentatious spending and "sentimentality". She isn't religious or traditional in her outlook.

In reality it's a completely different story. With all the hassle she created, I had nightmares for months about my own wedding day to exH a decade ago, but later put it down to her subconsciously not liking exH.

Now my brother is getting married to his long-term girlfriend who is lovely and we all like very much. My mother became increasingly obsessed with their wedding (which they were organising and paying for themselves) and seemed to have ideas about it which were nothing like what DB and his GF were telling me.

Last week DB called me to let me know that the wedding was cancelled as they just couldn't take the interference any more. They've rescheduled a v. small registry office do and meal in a pub near their house.

My mum has been on the phone to me every night since, completely livid but unable to articulate why. They gave enough notice that no one has lost out in terms of room or travel bookings and had only sent out informal "Save the date" emails rather than formal invites. I'm just baffled and uneasy for future SIL as my mum has begun to imply that it's somehow all her fault.

What on earth is going on in her head? Or am I completely missing some very important point here? Can anyone shed any light?

OP posts:

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purrpurr · 15/02/2013 12:25

Your mum sounds like a terror. It's interesting that she believes she has an open, straightforward approach to weddings, but that the reality is the opposite. So she may not even be aware of her own behaviour. Is she trying to make up for her own wedding?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 15/02/2013 12:26

completely livid but unable to articulate why.

Because she lost control of what she thought was her bauble.

BobbiFleckmann · 15/02/2013 12:28

are we related? that's precisely why after 11 yrs / children we are still just engaged....

theoriginalandbestrookie · 15/02/2013 12:31

Your mother is a motherofthebridzilla. Have you told her how dreadfully she is behaving?

VPNerror · 15/02/2013 12:34

Yeah, her own wedding day was a complete trainwreck where she (apparently) wanted something very simple and religious / traditional family members on both sides wouldn't play ball. The specifics are so bonkers that it could be the subject of a black comedy film. But I would have thought that having been on the receiving end of this would make someone more sympathetic to others in the same situation. Clearly not...

BobbiFleckmann: I hope we're not related - I do have extended family on here but namechanged in case any of them hadn't been notified personally about the cancellation yet! If you are my cousin, DB will be in touch to explain once our mum gets off their phoneline...

OP posts:

BlueberryHill · 15/02/2013 12:35

Is she worried that people might think it was her fault it was cancelled and is looking for someone else to blame? I'm assuming that your brother isn't telling everyone why they have changed their plans.

FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra · 15/02/2013 12:38

Bravo to your DB and SIL! We did the same thing and four and a half years on haven't been forgiven. I suspect from your DB's viewpoint his relationship with his mother is soured already, but she will (most likely) never forgive him.

My mother blamed me and DH for what we did. She sulked and complained to family members about what we had done - who then sent letters telling me how disrespectful I was to the family and the family was awash with the "Foxtrot Effect". It was hard.

I think my "D"M is a control freak, and that's why she shoved her oar in. She's also very big on appearances - so wouldn't have anything "cheap" (and got us up to a projected spend of tens of thousands of pounds of our own money with her demands). Every time we said we would do something she didn't like she'd say it reflected on her as the host, which I think was a big part of it. Moreover, I think she was used to getting her own way, and that her natural response to things was "no". She didn't modify her normal, spoilt and entitled behaviour for anything, let alone someone else's wedding. So in a nutshell, she's not very nice!

Your mother may be none of these things, but that was my experience.

One other thing - how was your DM's wedding? Mine bemoans that her father took over hers and she had/didn't have blah blah blah, and then she took over and ruined both my and my DS's weddings - almost as if she thinks it's what she has to do to validate her own issues with her wedding. Have you asked your DM about her wedding?

VPNerror · 15/02/2013 12:38

Motherofthegroomzilla, I think. Rarer than Bridezilla or Motherofthebridezilla but still clearly formidable.

I've told her that her reaction is unreasonable, over the top and unfair to DB and GF. She responded by asking how I would feel if it was my own DC doing this to me. "Doing what, though?" No answer and long silence on the phone. Phoned back again the next day with exactly the same tirade.

OP posts:

VPNerror · 15/02/2013 12:40

No, DB is telling everyone (except me, his best man and GF's bridesmaid), that there was a mix-up with the booking at the venue and they couldn't find another date to suit...

OP posts:

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 15/02/2013 12:43

almost as if she thinks it's what she has to do to validate her own issues with her wedding.

Precisely.
Trying to process a traumatic experience by repeating it.
Doomed to failure.

HecateWhoopass · 15/02/2013 12:45

Why not tell her that you aren't surprised they did this. You considered yourself because she just wouldn't stop interfering. That she is a nightmare in this respect and takes over and ruined it for you and was ruining it for them. And their wedding is not about her.

I know that sounds a reall harsh thing to say. And it will hurt to hear it. But maybe she needs a really big shock. She may hate you for it in the short term, but perhaps she really needs to hear it.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 15/02/2013 12:45

Whoops VPN - yes motherofthegroomzilla.

Your mother has had a lucky escape if your DB isn't make this public.

If she is normally normal then I guess keep trying to bang some sense into her. Weddings do weird things to otherwise normal people.

On my wedding day I ended up having to comfort my mother as she was upset with a relative that was there and when walking to the aisle my Dad decided this would be a great moment to tell me how concerned he was about mums stomach problems. Sheesh just for once I wanted it to be my day.

Just try and get her through the hump and keep sticking up for FSIL. Sounds like you are doing the best you can.

Catsdontcare · 15/02/2013 12:45

Just keep repeating the question "doing what to you?"

She sounds bonkers

Catsdontcare · 15/02/2013 12:46

Or like Hecate says just tell her why it's happening.

Katisha · 15/02/2013 12:57

Tell her why before she starts the general impression that it's the soon-to-be-SIL's fault.

purrpurr · 15/02/2013 12:58

Sounds like it could do you all a favour if you followed Hecate's advice. Otherwise your DM may decide to wage a war against DB/SIL (more directed at SIL by the sounds of it), even if it's a war on a very small scale.

DontmindifIdo · 15/02/2013 13:07

Yes, tell her the truth. She might strop up, but give her a harsh talking too, she needs to apologise to your SIL and DB.

Point out if she doesn't rebuild the bridges she has burned she shouldn't be surprised if they keep her away from any DGC on that side.

Teeb · 15/02/2013 13:13

I think some women have been raised to believe that a wedding day is actually about the mothers, and not the couple themselves, because that's what happened during their wedding day. I can understand why if you've been lead to believe 'You will have your day' when your children go on to grow up and it doesn't happen that way then it may be hurtful.

However, she needs to pull herself together and accept that it isn't about her, and there is nothing she can do to change the past. Do you think she could benefit from counselling to reconcile her feelings about what happened to her and how she needs to move on from it now?

VoiceofUnreason · 15/02/2013 13:17

If I was DB I'd have told mother in no uncertain terms: "our wedding, how we want it, if you don't like it, tough shit!"

FlouncingMintyy · 15/02/2013 13:18

I know some people really can be a nightmare to stand up to, but isn't your brother being a bit of a wuss about this?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/02/2013 13:20

That's sad, I hope DB and Sil-to-be have a good wedding day in spite of this. OP you sound very kind trying to stick up for the happy couple and at the same time attempting to see your mother's logic.

I can only guess if she had no control over her own wedding and you tolerated a degree of interference she hopes to exercise more control over your DB's day. Tbh I can see why some couples opt to get married abroad with very limited family/friend participation.

VPNerror · 15/02/2013 13:23

She knows there's more to it than a booking mixup. She keeps pushing both of us with random questions. Are they in debt? Had they argued over yhe venue? Has GF's very traditional father been interfering? (Hahaha - not a peep from him.)

If this continues DB will eventually crack and tell her the truth in very bald terms.

It may be better for me to do it first.

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theoriginalandbestrookie · 15/02/2013 13:27

Oh sorry I thought she knew what it has been changed.

It's not your truth to tell, but I would speak to DB and let him know she has been hassling you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/02/2013 13:30

"Actually Mum, considering they were paying for it themselves and organising it themselves, and her parents have let them do as they please, is there any faint chance you could have stuck your oar in and cocked it up?"

Maybe not.

FlouncingMintyy · 15/02/2013 13:30

Yes, she needs to be told.

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