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Relationships

He wont accept its over, feel trapped

38 replies

Bizkit · 14/02/2013 18:34

I know this relationship isnt going to work, big history of unreliablity, cheating(though he says he didnt as we werent actually together, although he was sleeping with me whilst lying about being with someone else), I cant write it all, I have posted previously about everything. After the lastest trouble things just are not the same, I can't forgive as easily this time and I think its just to a point where it cannot be sorted.

My problem is he moved himself back in even though I said I didnt want him to, but he insisted things would get better, roll on 7 months and we are back to square one. Ive told him numerous times I no longer love him and I cant see a future together, but he just says the love will return if I let him try and it WILL work. I think I have just lost all respect for him and have huge resentment, it cant be mended.

He says its not working because I wont commit to it, if I did we could move on quicker, but how can I commit to something I know isnt going to work with someone who I have lost feeling for? We have lived together again for 7 months now and been to counselling but he says I havent tried, which frustrates me alot! Also he makes me feel guilty as I will 'fuck up the kids if I dont at least try and give it a go'! I may not have been fully commited but I have tried to get along, but the negative feelings and resentment are just too strong.He says Im a naturally negative person and never see the positives, but Im negative I think because of all the hurt he has caused me, thats only natural

We privately rent both on tenancy. I know he will not move now and even if he would he has no money at all so has no where to go.

I feel trapped and the atmosphere is becoming unbearable. Any advice??, I work part time but also rely on Housing benefit to top up my rent, how can I get out of this situation, I worry how it will affect kids, but I now realise the way it is now will affect them more.
I dunno if my previous post can be searched for the history, but I really need some advice before I lose my sanity

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SolidGoldBrass · 14/02/2013 18:40

You don't need his permission or his agreement to end the relationship. Is your home rented privately or via social housing? I suggest going to Citizens' Advice and asking them about your options: you may be able to put him out of the house or they may be able to get you and DC rehoused somewhere.

The fact that he has no money is not your problem. He is an adult and can either go and get a job or sign on.

And finally, you do not have to let him have sex on you if you don't want to. If he is not taking no for an answer this is rape and you can involve the police.

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something2say · 14/02/2013 18:52

Can't be arsed to write about the money sorry!! But emotionally, cut him off. Avoid, ignore, don't speak, go to your room, go out, don't share food or washing etc. it doesn't matter if he won't accept it, you live the reality of the end and he will soon give up. X

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Flisspaps · 14/02/2013 19:03

YY to everything SGB says there.

How long is left on your tenancy? Are you able to afford private rent with HB top up on your own somewhere else?

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Charmingbaker · 14/02/2013 19:17

Whilst you choose to stay under the same roof as him he will see it as you choosing to be with him. This was how my friend viewed it when her DH ended their relationship but stayed under the same roof for financial reasons, she needed him to leave to accept the marriage was over. She is one of the most intelligent, emotionally adjusted people I know but couldn't see the wood for the trees during this period. However impossible it seems you need to find a way to live under different roofs.

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Lueji · 14/02/2013 19:26

Solicitor.

Or move out.

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Bizkit · 14/02/2013 19:28

I think it's me who is going to have to try and move, gods knows how, but even if he does go he will always see it as his house also like he did before, even when we separated he came and went as he pleased and all his stuff was still here, I could never move on.
The tenancy is joint and its like a roll on thing, I don't see how I could get into a new place on my own as I wouldn't have enough for deposits, estate agent fees etc.
I'm being seen as the horrible one now as I've got to a point of talking to him like crap, he probably would eventually leave, but it's going to have to take a great deal if arguing and unpleasantness to get there, an atmosphere I don't want my kids to have to live in

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SolidGoldBrass · 14/02/2013 19:31

You really don't have to live like this, but you will have to take action. Go and get some advice: CAB, SHelter or Women's Aid, they will go through your options with you. And if you move somewhere else you can refuse ever to let him into the house: it won't be his house. Even if DC are his and he wants to see them, you can still refuse to let him in, he can take them out or see them at his own house.

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Hissy · 14/02/2013 19:40

Go and get some advice, see what you are entitled to.

The fact that you have DC (he's not their dad iirc?) will give you greater need in terms of staying there. You could potentially ask that your LL remove him from the tenancyn or at least sound him out to see if he'd support you in this if he did miraculously leave.

Get advice and find out your rights. Then we can work out what to do with him!

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Bizkit · 14/02/2013 19:45

If I could move, what would be his rights?
He is their dad, we are not married but he is on both birth certs, I think he has just as much right to do the same should he chose to? Even though he is financially unreliable

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SolidGoldBrass · 14/02/2013 20:17

He has no right to any kind of contact or relationship with you. The law looks on it in terms of the DCs' right to a relationship with him, which generally means that he should get to see them one midweek night and every other weekend (though if he decides to fuck off or never turn up he can't be forced to see them...) He can be made to pay towards their upkeep even if he is on benefits: some of his benefit will be taken to pay maintenance though it won't be very much.
If he is a drunk or a drug addict, violent or neglectful, his contact with DC can be supervised or stopped altogether.

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Bizkit · 15/02/2013 22:21

Well we've had a massive argument this morning, I feel emotionally drained spent most of the afternoon asleep. No matter how many times I say I don't love him and I don't want this he just says I'm wrong and am being stubborn. He says he will not walk away from his family when we could have tried. The most frustrating thing is he keeps saying I haven't tried, I let him back after he cheated and lied, and have done before aswell, I've done things as a couple and a family and been counselling, how is that not trying?! Oh yeh it's because I haven't actually said I'm committed.
When I said I would have to look at getting some advise on me moving he said he wasn't gonna let me take his kids away from him etc, and if we did part he wouldn't be able to handle being a part time dad so would be gone for good therefore the kids won't have their dad.
I feel worn down again Hmm

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AnyFucker · 15/02/2013 22:25

that ole chestnut ?

if you dump me, I will be out of the kids lives forever ?

sounds like a win/win to me

call his bluff

what a sad fucking loser this little man is

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Lueji · 15/02/2013 22:39

What AF said.

You don't have to explain to him, or justify to him. You know in your heart you must leave for you and for the children, as it's not healthy to live in such screwed up relationship.

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Dryjuice25 · 15/02/2013 22:50

I'm absolutely frustrated for you.

He is difficult to get rid of just like my ex. Ex finally left after years of adamancy but he still wants to come and go as he pleases and even did the Valentines gimmick yesterday Angry even though he knows I will never reconsider.

This guy has no respect for you or your boundaries as a person. You have a right to live your life as you wish without some twat forcing themselves upon you nomatter how many times you rebuff them. I agree with AF. Call him on his bluff. It really is a win win. Ex got me depressed I even wished he would just vanish and leave me alone by refusing to leave and I totally get what you're going through. He is manipulating the kids situation and guilt tripping you into a situation and by saying he will leave for good, that shows he doesn't really care about the kids, does he? Confused

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SolidGoldBrass · 15/02/2013 23:34

Bear in mind that the DC will actually be better off without a lazy, selfish, unreasonable arsehole in their lives. Let him go - or rather, force him out. He can be made to leave. If he chooses not to see the DC it's his loss.

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akaemmafrost · 15/02/2013 23:46

Yes, my ex was like this. "I'm not gong anywhere, this is my home, I'm not leaving my kids" rant rant, bluster bluster. I wouldn't give in to his trying to wear me down and he attacked me out of frustration in the end so be careful, bullying men have a habit of turning physical when you don't fall into line.

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Bizkit · 15/02/2013 23:59

He's been being nice since the argument this morning, let me sleep, kept kids occupied, made me tea etc. He does do alot for me but I can't help it if I don't feel the same anymore. Maybe I rely on him to much though. I need to be strong. He's a fairly good dad so don't think he would just walk away he just trying to guilt trip me.
I do try and keep the peace sometimes and when I can see him getting frustrated I do tend to back down as he starts putting his fists through walls etc ( though not very often), I don't like it spiralling out of control like that so I back down and try and get along. I know this is wrong but at least he takes his frustration out on a door or wall rather than me or kids. This is the thing though it will spiral out if control if I ignore, tell him to go etc all the time and I don't think I can cope with it or he'll go off and do something stupid, so sometimes it just easier to plod along as best I can in the situation I'm in.

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akaemmafrost · 16/02/2013 00:00

Next time he starts flailing around and putting his fist through walls call the police! What a LOSER Angry!

Are you scared of him?

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AnyFucker · 16/02/2013 00:04

Erk

Putting fists through walls is threatening behaviour designed to make you STFU

and it's working

next time he does that...call the police, and keep calling them

he is a DV perpetrator, OP

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tallwivglasses · 16/02/2013 00:06

Plod on then. Waste your life. Let him suck all the joy out of you. Let him make the kids' lives a misery with his adolescent temper. Or dump the fucker.

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AnyFucker · 16/02/2013 00:08

Erk

Putting fists through walls is threatening behaviour designed to make you STFU

and it's working

next time he does that...call the police, and keep calling them

he is a DV perpetrator, OP

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Bizkit · 16/02/2013 00:32

I'm not scared of him.
I just feel guilty because the atmosphere isn't great here because I'm not happy and the kids can get snapped at( I'm guilty of that too) but he can lose his temper, punched something the other day because he was having a go at the kids who were bickering over something and I stepped in to diffuse as he has a habit of telling off my eldest but not my youngest, so he lost it cos I got involved. He's never hit me in 10yrs.
I've looked at houses in my area, no way will that happen as they are so expensive now, we are lucky to have fairly cheap rent compared most.

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Flisspaps · 16/02/2013 09:15

Please don't feel it's an achievement not to have been hit in 10 years. That's a basic expectation of a relationship, and a right as a human being!

Putting fists through walls or getting angry that you're getting involved in disciplining your children is not normal.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/02/2013 12:01

Your title says 'he won't accept it's over'. I think it's more accurate to say that you don't seem to think it's bad enough to kick him out. It really is. All of this stuff you lightly describe as 'losing it' is quite horrific to anyone that doesn't live with DV. You've been with him so long that I think you've lost sight of what is normal, acceptable, reasonable behaviour.

If you don't feel capable of showing him the door and bolting it behind him get some RL support from friends and family or talk to professionals, see a solicitor, report him to the police when he 'loses it'... whatever it takes. But please understand that what he's doing is appalling. Not normal in the slightest.

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Bizkit · 17/02/2013 15:43

I should of taken more action and not allowed him to come back after I found out he'd been lying about seeing/living with someone whilst we were separated, but that would of taken outside involvement of some kind I guess as he wouldn't go, but at least I still would of been living/claiming as a single parent. I'm so stupid.
I think I'll give CAB a go, see if its at all possible to maybe move area, as its unaffordable here plus I want to see my kids in a better school anyway. I can get deposits but its actually getting a place on part time income, also moving area would mean moving job which wont be easy

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